This is not a new story, but a repost of one that I wrote last month. I wrote it in a hurry and I found that there was a lot of mistakes (I hate mistakes), and I found that it was easier to repost it in one chapter than it was to do it in two.
I want to thank those people who read and reviewed it the last time, and the things that you told me touched my heart. Thank you for sharing them with me.
The title is from the Tim McGraw song of the same name which is featured here. This is a tragic story, but if you know me, there is always a happy ending.
Disclaimer: Not mine
Blank Sheet of Paper
Richard Castle looked down at the piece of paper that was sitting in front of him; he wasn't used to writing anything with a pen, but he needed this to be more personal than something typed. He wanted- no needed- to send Kate a letter telling her how sorry he was; he needed to tell her that he did what he did was for them. Rick picked up his pen and twirled it in his fingers before tapping it on the paper, thinking about how to begin. He tried to think back to where they began and where they went wrong.
He and Kate had been dating for a year and he had finally convinced her to move in with him after months of begging. Alexis had been at college for two years now and his loft was too big and empty for him alone.
"Come on, Kate," he pleaded, "move in with me. We spend every night together anyway."
Kate sighed, "It's not that I don't want to, it's that I like my space. I like knowing I have somewhere else to go if I need to just chill out."
"I can give you space, Kate. Just say the word and you'll have it. Please, do this for us Kate."
She thought for a moment before nodding her head, "Fine, don't make me regret this."
Rick drew her to him and kissed her passionately, "I love you!" he told her.
Kate let out a short breath and ran her fingers through her long, wavy hair, "Yeah."
Rick looked at the piece of paper again; it was still blank. He couldn't put into words the emotions he was feeling. He glanced around his office and saw remnants of her around him. Pictures, artwork that they bought together, even one of her leather jackets was still flung over the back of the couch. He couldn't bear moving it back to her wardrobe just yet; it would make their separation harder to handle than it already was.
Three months after Kate had moved in with him, he figured it was time to make things official with her. He had gone to Tiffany's a few weeks earlier and bought a two-carat princess cut diamond platinum engagement ring. He knew her enough to not make a big deal of the proposal, so he decided to do it after they had gone out for a quiet dinner.
"Care for a walk around the park?" he asked her.
Kate smiled and linked her arm through his, "Sure. That sounds lovely."
They walked around Central Park until they came to Strawberry Fields. Kate was a huge fan of John Lennon and would often just sit in that part of the park reading a book on the days where she needed to relax. As she took in the beauty of the area she failed to notice Rick, who had gone down on one knee beside her. "Kate," he touched her arm lightly and she turned round to see him looking up at her. Her hand flew to her mouth in shock.
"Kate, I just want you to know how happy you've made me. The last fifteen-month together and the three years before have been some of the best of my life. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me- except Alexis- and I want to make this between us permanent. Kate, will you do me the greatest honour of becoming my wife?" he opened up the ring box and held it out to her.
Kate was speechless and could only nod in response. Rick smiled, "Was that a yes?" he asked hopefully.
She nodded again and whispered, "Yes." Rick stood up and slipped the ring on her finger before kissing her.
"I love you, Kate," he said as he stroked her cheek.
Kate smiled, "Love you too."
This was the validation that Rick needed in their relationship. This was it for him; he wanted to be married to Kate forever.
Rick smiled at the happy memory as it was replaced by an even happier one; their wedding.
His marriage to Kate started off simply; she didn't want anything big or fancy, just something small and intimate. They hired a small chapel outside of the city and invited their immediate family and friends from the precinct. Lanie and Alexis were her bridesmaids and Ryan and Esposito were his groomsmen and Jim walked her down the aisle. She wore a basic ivory strapless dress with a diamond tiara to hold back her curly hair. Rick loved her curls. The ceremony had gone off without a hitch. He had even organised Paula to send out the wedding announcement in the paper after they had gone on their honeymoon.
Rick smiled again; they really did have some happy times; that is until it all went to tatters about a six months later.
Rick had been at meetings with his publishers all day while Kate was at home. She had finally gotten a day off but he wasn't able to spend it with her. She had been sick on and off for a couple weeks and was planning on going to the doctors; Rick couldn't wait to get home to see what they had said. She sent him a text message earlier telling him that everything was alright and that they needed to talk.
Need to talk. Those three words struck fear into every man in the world when spoken by a woman.
It was late evening by the time Rick arrived back at the loft and he found his wife curled up on the sofa asleep. The television was on in the background so he turned it off and sat down next to Kate, stretching her legs over his lap before shutting his eyes and letting his exhaustion take over.
He woke up sometime later in the night, his stomach practically yelling at him. Kate had also awoken and was staring at him lovingly.
"Hey," he croaked, his voice hoarse from sleep.
"Hey," she replied with a smile. "I missed you today," she told him.
"Mmm, me too. Meetings suck."
Kate laughed softly and scratched the back of his head before kissing him softly. "You hungry?" Rick nodded. "I'll go heat your dinner. Save my spot."
"You can count on it."
A few minutes later she returned with his dinner and he hungrily dug in. "How did you go at the doctor's today?" he asked after a few mouthfuls.
"Good. The doctor gave me a diagnosis of my illness."
"Really? What's wrong?" he asked in concern.
"Nothing's wrong per se." She wanted to drag it out and he looked at her intently.
"Well? What is it?"
"I'm pregnant," she told him nonchalantly.
Rick almost spat out the food that was in his mouth. "Pregnant!"
She shrugged, "That's what he said."
Rick put his bowl on the table before scooping his wife up in his arms, "God, I love you!"
Kate laughed, "I love you, too."
Everything was going well with Kate and her pregnancy until she hit her fifth month. She had been put on desk duty at work since the start of the start of her second trimester; they didn't want to take any chances. It was coming up on Halloween and it was the time for all the crazies to come out. The precinct was full of criminals getting processed and the officers occasionally had troubles detaining them.
It was quick and almost instantaneous; one of the criminals had gotten away from his arresting officer and was running through the bullpen and Kate, on reflex went to try and stop him. She stuck her foot out and he tripped over her but as he fell, he grabbed a hold of her and pulled her down with him. She landed awkwardly and slammed her stomach into the side of the desk. Kate doubled over in pain and officers rushed over to keep control of the man and to see how she was.
"Beckett, you ok?" asked Esposito who was one of the ones who had come over.
Kate groaned again and held her stomach, "No."
Esposito looked down and noticed the pool of blood that was forming beneath her, "Kate, look at me. You're bleeding. I'm gonna have to get you to the hospital, ok?"
Kate nodded, "Ok...need Rick."
"Yeah, I'll call him. I need to get you to the hospital first."
Half an hour later, Rick rushed into the hospital, frantically calling out for Kate and the boys. "Excuse me," he approached the front desk, "I was told my wife was brought here. A Detective Kate Beckett, where can I find her?"
The receptionist typed away on her computer, "Says here that she just went into surgery."
"Surgery?" Rick choked out.
"Yes, that's what it says."
"Which floor?"
"Fourth."
Rick raced to the fourth floor where he found Ryan and Esposito already waiting, somber looks on their faces.
"What happened?" he asked.
Ryan spoke up, "Perp got loose, Beckett tripped him and he took her down with him. She landed on the side of the desk."
"The baby?"
Esposito shrugged, "There was a lot of blood and we got here as fast as we could." Rick slumped down in the chair next to them and buried his face in his hands.
"I can't lose them."
Esposito patted him on the back, "I know, man. I know."
Three and a half excruciating hours later, a doctor came out in scrubs that were covered in blood. Rick visibly paled. "Family of Kate Beckett?" he asked
The three men and Lanie, who had arrived shortly after Rick, stood up.
"How is she? How's the baby?" Rick asked nervously.
"Kate is going to be fine, but we couldn't save the baby. I'm sorry. She was hit so hard that it ruptured the placenta. We had to do an emergency caesarian to get the baby out and stop the bleeding. Your wife is very lucky; five minutes later and we would had lost them both."
Lanie burst into tears and Esposito had to sit and comfort her. Rick just nodded, not allowing the tears to fall.
"Can I go see her?"
"Yes, she should be waking up soon and I will be in to check on her later." The doctor placed a hand on Rick's arm, "I'm sorry about your loss."
"Was it a boy or a girl?" he asked the doctor.
"A boy," he replied, "her room is the second on the right."
"Thank you." Rick moved down the hall where the doctor indicated Kate was and stepped inside. She looked pale from the blood loss but to Rick she was beautiful. He pulled up a seat next to her and sat down, claiming her hand in his.
A short while later, Kate started to stir awake. She groaned in pain and turned her head to see her husband at her bedside.
"Where am I?"
Rick looked up at her and smiled weakly, "Hey, honey. You're at the hospital. Do you remember what happened?"
She nodded, "Fell. Hurts."
He stroked the palm of her hand lightly, "I know."
She was silent for a little bit longer until she asked, "The baby?"
The tears that were threatening to fall suddenly gave way and Rick started to sob, "I'm sorry, Kate. I'm so, so sorry." Kate pulled away from Rick and fell silent, unable to comprehend what had happened. Rick wiped his eyes and tried to get her attention, "The doctor said he's be in soon. Talk to us."
No response.
He tried again, "The boys and Lanie are outside. Mother and Alexis will be here tomorrow."
Again, no response. Rick sighed. He hoped he could get her to talk to him soon.
Kate was as unresponsive in the weeks following as she was when she first came out of surgery. Answering only yes or no to questions, eating very little and sleeping just as much. She didn't cry at the small funeral and didn't help in naming her son. Rick named him William- the protector- he hoped that somehow their son would live up to his name in spirit. By the end of the second week, Rick was at his wits end trying to get Kate to open up, so he tried the all out approach.
"Kate, I need you to talk to me. You can't keep living like this; I can't keep living like this. We need to work together to move past it all," he pleaded.
Kate looked at him blankly, "What if I don't want to move past it?"
"You need to Kate. We need to be happy. I know it's hard right now, hell, it's going to be hard for a long time, but we need each other Kate. For better or worse, Kate. I need you not to give up."
Kate said nothing and instead walked into their bedroom and locked the door behind her. Rick flopped onto the couch in defeat and let the tears flow.
By the end of the month, Kate's behaviour remained the same and Rick was at a complete loss; he even asked Lanie for help.
"I just don't know what to anymore, Lanie. She won't talk to me and she ignores everything I try to talk to her about. I get that she's grieving but I am too. I need her."
Lanie pulled him into a hug, "Aw honey, I'll see what I can do ok?"
"Thanks Lanie."
Lanie went into the bedroom and found Kate lying curled up in a ball, hugging a soft bear. She crawled up behind Kate and rubbed her back soothingly.
"Kate, honey. Can we talk?"
Kate rolled over to face her friend, "Rick sent you." It wasn't a question.
"He's worried about you. He said you won't talk to him and that you're shutting him out."
"Can't. Too hard."
"What's too hard?"
"Everything."
"And you're just giving up? That's not the Kate Beckett I know."
Kate rolled back over to the other side, "The Kate Beckett you know no longer exists. You can leave now."
Lanie sighed and walked out of the room and found Rick. "I'm sorry, she won't listen. Have you tried her dad?"
Rick nodded, "He couldn't get through to her either."
"I'm sorry Castle. Don't give up." Lanie left the loft and Rick went off into his office; the only place he could call his sanctuary.
Another month passed and Kate was still the same; she was functioning and Rick wasn't much better. He had finally given up; he had tried every avenue to get her to talk, psychologists, his mother, Alexis, friends; nobody could get through to her. He had even moved into the guest room because every time he had tried to touch her, she would quickly pull herself away.
One morning, after the second month had passed, Rick got up, packed her suitcase and dumped it by the front door. He then went back into her bedroom, physically picked her up and dumped her in the shower. After washing her and then dressing her he led her down to the garage under the building and placed her in the car. Rick sped out onto the streets and headed out of the city.
Ten hours later and not one word spoken between them, he pulled up at a house that was somewhere in South Carolina. He grabbed her suitcase from the trunk and led her to the front door and he knocked. An older woman with greying hair answered and greeted them warmly.
"Good evening, you must be Rick and Kate. I'm Rosemary. Come inside and I'll get you some dinner."
"Thank you," Rick replied and they followed the woman in.
After dinner, Rosemary showed them to their rooms. Kate was in a room inside the house whereas Rick was shown to a small one-bedroom apartment at the back of the house. The house was a respite for women. They catered to all women who were going through all sorts of battles, from depression to escape from abusive homes.
Rick spoke to Rosemary as she showed him his room that he would be staying in for the night. "Thank you for taking Kate. I just didn't know what else to do."
"You're welcome. We're happy to help."
"I just hope she won't hate me for this."
Rosemary shook her head, "She won't. You are a wonderful husband. Just give it time."
"Yeah, thanks." Rick was only staying for the one night and heading back to New York the next day. When he spoke to Rosemary originally on the phone she had told him that their separation was key to getting her to open up. It would take some time and he would not be allowed to see her until she had.
The next morning, Rick kissed Kate sweetly goodbye and then got in his car and drove away.
Rosemary looked at Kate who was staring at the tail end of the car, "Come on, dear. Let's get you settled in."
It had been two weeks since Rick had dropped Kate off in South Carolina, and he was sitting in his office trying to come up with the words to explain his actions. She had broken his heart but he understood how she felt. They just expressed them in different ways. He just didn't know what to tell her, so he just stares at the paper on his desk and taps his pen. He sighed. He would try again tomorrow. Perhaps then he would know what to say.
I'm just a blank sheet of paper
This fool's about to write you a letter
To tell you that he's sorry
For the way he did you wrong
To ask for your forgiveness
For leavin' you alone
He's been lookin' down at me
Seems like forever
He takes the top on and off his pen
It's like he can't decide just
What he wants to say
If he'd just tell the truth
I'd be on my way
But he just stares at me
I just stare at him
He don't know where to start
To say he doesn't want it to end
And Now its one hour later
And I'm still a blank sheet of paper
Sunlight is shinin' through the curtains
He's almost asleep pen in hand
There's a tear in his eye
That refuses to fall
If it would land on me
That would say it all
But he just stares at me
I just stare at him
He don't know where to start
To say he doesn't want it to end
Now it's four hours later
And I'm still a blank sheet of paper
And he just stares at me
I just stare at him
He don't know where to start
To say he wants it back again
Now one broken heart later
Kate sat in the back garden of the house in South Carolina with her feet swishing in the water of the pond. She had been here a month now and she felt like she was slowly putting the pieces of herself back together. She knew she still had a long way to go but she was making positive steps. Her initial anger at Rick for dumping her there was fading but the feeling of abandonment still lingered.
The back garden would be the place where Kate would come when she wasn't in the counselling sessions; it was there she found solace and space. Everyone in the house knew to not disturb her when she was out there unless there was something urgent. Kate would watch the fish swim in the pond and dream about her son. This particular day was the three-month anniversary of his death and she was finding it harder to deal with her emotions. She saw her tears drip into the water and angrily brushed them away. She wanted to stop crying, but once she had finally started, she couldn't stop. It had taken her two weeks of daily counselling to finally break down and verbalise her pain.
"Why? Why does it always happen to me? Am I not good enough? Have I not paid my penance yet?" So many unanswerable questions, she knew that, but Kate had to ask them anyway. She curled up in the armchair in the bright room and avoided eye contact with Rosemary.
Rosemary had taken it upon herself to take care of Kate personally. The desperation she saw in both Kate and Rick pulled at her and she felt within herself to see it through to the end.
"Kate, honey, tell me why you don't think you're good enough?"
Kate thought for a moment, "Because I lost my mother. I lost my son." She paused before choking out, "I lost my husband! I lose everyone I love."
"Kate, you may have lost your mother, but she's still with you in your heart. You became the woman you are today because of her. And even though you may not have known him for very long but he will always be there to protect you. You need to live for him and his memory. Now, as for your husband, do you think you have truly lost him?"
"He left me here," she cried out, "Of course I've lost him! He doesn't want me any more; I'm broken."
"I don't think you really believe that."
Kate huffed, "Then what do I believe?"
"I can't tell you that, Kate. Why don't you think about that for a while and when you know, you can tell me."
Kate did do a lot of thinking but she still didn't know what to believe about Rick. She hadn't heard from him in nearly a month and she was honest with herself, she missed him. She missed his smile, his laugh, the way he made her feel loved just by looking at her and she missed his touch. Kate wrapped her arms around herself, trying to remember the way she felt when he kissed her and when he made love to her.
Her tears continued to fall down her face and she couldn't wipe them away fast enough and her vision blurred but she could make out the form of Rosemary walking towards her. She knelt down next to Kate and handed her an envelope.
"This arrived for you this morning; I thought you might like to read it."
"Who's it from?" she asked.
"I'm not sure, but why don't you open it and find out. I'll bring some lunch out for you when it's ready."
"Thank you." Rosemary smiled at her and stood up and walked back to the house.
Kate sat staring at the envelope, tossing up whether or not she should open it. Not many people knew that she was in South Carolina so it could only be a handful of individuals that could have sent her the letter. It took her twenty minutes and half a sandwich to find the courage to open the envelope and pull out the letter. It took another twenty minutes and the rest of her sandwich to unfold the letter and start to read it. She sucked in a breath when she saw it was from Rick.
To my dearest Kate,
I'm sorry it has taken me this long to get in contact with you; I know it's no excuse, but I just couldn't find the words to express my feelings. I don't want you to hate me for sending you to Rosemary, but I understand if you do. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, Kate, but I just didn't know what else to do. I needed you to stop shutting me out and to start healing and I am ashamed that I couldn't be the one to do that. I'm your husband, Kate; I should have been strong enough to break through your walls.
I know that losing William brought back memories of losing your mother and so you closed yourself off emotionally; I just didn't realise that until now. I've done a lot of thinking over the last month and I'd like it, when you're ready to come home, we go away for a while. Together, just you and I reconnecting. We need to grieve together. I want you to come and meet William. I've been going to visit him every day and telling him stories about his mommy, I think it has really helped. I still miss him though, as I'm positive you do as well.
I want to tell you how much I love you. Don't ever doubt my love for you; there is no one I love and miss more than you. I miss your smile, Kate. That, and your laugh; your laugh is contagious and the way your nose crinkles when you do is absolutely adorable. I need to see that again. This tragic event in our lives will make us stronger, that I'm sure of.
I also want you to know that I have been calling Rosemary at least twice a week to see how you were, so don't think I completely abandoned you or forgot about you. Next time I call, I'll ask her if you want to speak to me. Don't feel obliged to come to the phone if you don't want to, I will understand.
I love you, Kate.
Yours always and forever,
Rick
PS. They boys and Lanie send their love.
Kate re-read the letter at least half a dozen times; her question had been answered. She didn't lose her husband; her husband had lost his wife for a period of time. She understood that now. When Rick rang she made the decision to talk to him.
It was two days later that Rick finally rang and within that time she had read his letter over and over again and was ready to speak to him.
"Kate!" Rosemary called out to her from the back door of the house. Kate was sitting by the pond again and turned around to look at the woman. "Would you like to talk to Richard?"
Kate nodded and made her way over to where Rosemary held out to her. "Will the reception reach the pond?"
"Yes, it should."
Kate smiled and took the phone off Rosemary and walked back over to where she was sitting previously.
"Hi," she breathed into the phone.
"Hey," he sounded as unsure as she did.
"I got your letter."
"Did you read it?"
"Yeah. I did."
Rick paused a moment, "I'm sorry, Kate."
"It's ok, I understand."
"Really?" It wasn't accusatory.
"Yeah. You did it for us." She had come to that realisation late the previous night, which set off her tears again, but this time they were tears of love.
"Always for us, Kate."
"I want to come home, Rick," she blurted out.
Rick chuckled lightly, "Then I'll be there tomorrow. I'll let Rosemary know."
Kate got quiet; "I want to go away with you, like you suggested. It'll be good for us."
"I want that too. I'll organise everything when I finish talking to you."
"I love you," she told him timidly.
"Oh, Kate, honey. I love you so much," he replied.
"So, I'll see you tomorrow?"
"You will."
Rick drove through the night and reached the South Carolina house by mid-morning. When he knocked on the door he was greeted by Rosemary who led him through the house and out the back door.
"She's by the pond." Rosemary pointed to Kate who was lying on her stomach and dragging her fingers through the water. Rick slowly walked up to her and sat down beside her, running his fingers through her hair. She had cut it again, and it was the same length as it was when he had fist met her.
"Hey, honey." Kate looked up and smiled at him. It was the first one he had seen from her in three months.
"Hi. You're here early." She sat up and practically crawled into his lap, desperate for his touch. "I missed you."
Rick kissed the top of her head, "Missed you, too." The couple sat in silence for a while, relishing the contact that they were finally able to share again. "You ready to get out of here?" he asked.
"Yeah. Where are we going?"
"Anywhere your heart desires. We're going from here to the airport and you're going to pick our first destination."
"Sounds like fun." Kate extricated herself from Rick and stood up, holding out her hand to him. They laced their fingers together and walked back into the house. Kate already had her bag packed so all they had to do is bring it down stairs and out to the car.
Kate bid a teary farewell to Rosemary and hugged her tight. "Thank you so much for everything."
"You're welcome, dear. Don't forget to keep in touch."
"We won't."
Kate and Rick spent another three months travelling around the world and reconnecting with each other. Their first stop was New York and Kate finally said hello and goodbye to her son.
"Hi, William. I'm your mommy. I'm sorry I couldn't come and see you sooner but I know your daddy has been telling you all about me." Kate placed a bouquet of white lilies beneath the headstone, which read: William James Castle. A son we barely knew, but one we will always love.
The couple walked hand-in-hand away from the cemetery; it was their time to grieve together.
*One year later*
Rosemary sat down in the back garden, dangling her feet in the pond and reading a letter.
Dear Rosemary,
We will never forget what you did for us. You gave us the opportunity to become stronger and to open up to one another. You have a gift and we wanted to do something in return. Enclosed you will find a few photos of our daughter, Rosemary Johanna Castle.
Thank you again,
Rick and Kate
Rosemary looked at the photos of the baby being held in the arms of her smiling mother, all wrapped up in a pink blanket. This was the reason why she did this job.
I hope that flows a lot better than it did the first time. I didn't like splitting this story up and now I think it works a lot better than it previously did.