Chapter One

...

Zetsu attempted to keep his expression sombre as he broke the news of Pain's death, but he couldn't stop a sly smile from appearing on the dark side of his face. The Akatsuki were in need of a new leader and he believed himself to be just the man (men?) for the job!

Kisame and Tobi sat quietly for a moment, letting the information sink in.

"So another Akatsuki member is dead." said Kisame. "It's hard to believe that just us three are left, isn't it?"

"Leader-sama is dead?" Tobi shook his masked head in disbelief.

"He is." Zetsu confirmed.

"Really?"

"Yes."

"All six of him?"

"Yes, the Paths of Pain were defeated and Nagato foolishly gave his life to resurrect all the Leaf citizen's he'd just killed."

"What?" Tobi scratched his head in confusion. "Who is… Nafato?"

"Ugh, I hate explaining things to you. You're so damn stupid." Zetsu grumbled."But you're adorably stupid." his white side added

"Did you record Pain-sama's last fight?" Kisame asked eagerly. It was always entertaining to see him unleash the destructive powers of the rinnegan.

The green-haired man nodded affirmatively.

The three huddled together on the couch, with Kisame and his giant sword Samehada taking up most of the room.

"That was awesome." Kisame said enthusiastically once the video had ended. "I was very impressed with the nine-tails jinchuuriki; the little brat has improved greatly. I need to fight him one day."

"Gi Gi Gi." agreed Samehada.

Tobi was crying. "That was so romantic. The pretty girl stood up to Leader-sama and tried to protect Naruto-kun with her life, and then she confessed her love in front of the whole village."

"This is still cold in the middle." complained Zetsu, munching on a foot. "I should have let it defrost in the microwave for a while longer." He always liked to snack whilst watching TV.

"I suppose we should drink to the memory of Pain-sama." said Kisame.

"Can Tobi have a drink?" asked Tobi.

"No way." said Zetsu.

"Kisame-san, pleeeease can Tobi have some sake too?"

"Sure." Kisame answered.

"Woo hooo!" shouted Tobi, running into the kitchen for some bottles of sake and three cups.

Kisame was chatting with Zetsu about his new plan to become a shark-sage when Tobi returned. He poured out some sake for everyone and they all raised their cups and drank a toast to Pain. Tobi turned around before lifting his mask to drink so nobody could see his face. None of them were particularly close with Pain; however his death left an urgent matter to see to.

"We need a new leader." said Zetsu.

"Tobi nominates Tobi to be the new leader." the swirly-faced ninja said cheerfully.

"No!" said Zetsu emphatically.

"Definitely not." Kisame said.

"Awww, I reeeally wanted to be in charge." said Tobi, saddened by the swift rejection. Then he giggled. "Maybe Tobi is actually the secret leader and Leader-sama was just a fake leader."

"Don't be silly Tobi."

"It's quite amusing just thinking of you in charge of Akatsuki." Kisame smirked.

"I think I'd be a good boss." Tobi sulked.

"What would you do if you were our new leader?" asked Kisame.

"I'd recruit lots of pretty girls and we'd have tea parties every day." he replied and carefully refilled everyone's cups. He smiled as he imagined serving tea for cute girls in frilly dresses.

"I vote for Tobi." "No I don't." said Zetsu.

The three criminals sat around drinking and discussing which kunoichi they'd like to invite to a tea party. Kisame mentioned his long-time crush, Mei Terumi. Tobi decided on Hinata Hyuuga and Zetsu couldn't come to an agreement with himself (his white side is gay). Eventually they got back on track to discussing the future of the Akatsuki.

"I don't want to be stuck behind a desk and have to deal with clients and paperwork all the time." said Kisame. "Really, being the leader is too much responsibility. I'd rather just go on missions and fight." The thought of fighting brought a wide grin to his face.

"So you don't want the leadership and Tobi…" "He's too stupid to be put in charge." "Hey, don't insult my best friend." "I just said what you were thinking."

"Yay, I'm your bestest friend." A slightly drunk Tobi tried to hug the cannibalistic plant-man but got shoved away by his black side.

"Anyway…" Zetsu continued. "I guess that leaves me in charge."

Black Zetsu began to laugh. It was a laugh that can only be described as evil.

"I'm scared." whimpered Tobi.

"The first thing I'm going to do as leader is to get rid of this uniform."

"Yeah it does look stupid, especially the hats." said Kisame.

"Aw no, I love my cloak." said Tobi. He'd wanted to join the Akatsuki for a long time and when he finally got in he was so proud of his cloak that he never wanted to be parted with it.

"So we can wear whatever we like?" asked Kisame.

"No." said Zetsu. "You can't wear any clothes at all."

"Noooooooooooooo!" screamed Tobi dramatically.

Zetsu removed his cloak; he was naked underneath. "It feels so good to let it all hang out. Everybody, get undressed."

"I'd rather not." said Kisame.

"That was an order." Zetsu glared at him. "And take those bandages off Samehada, it should be free as well."

Grumbling, the blue man stripped down to his underwear and unravelled the bandages from his sword. The sentient weapon flexed its scales and gave a sharp toothed grin.

"Gi?"

"No Samehada, we're not in a fight so be good and don't absorb anyone's chakra."

"Please." begged Tobi. "Don't make me do this."

He was panicking. The masked man was always careful not to let anyone see even his face and now he was ordered to strip completely naked.

"Fine, you can remain dressed for a while longer." his new boss relented.

"Thank you." A relieved Tobi said.

"Bring me more sake!" Zetsu demanded.

Tobi scurried off to get another bottle.

"Good idea." Zetsu told himself. "If we get him really drunk then it will be easier to persuade him to part with his clothes."

Zetsu then turned his attention to the shark in underpants.

"I see you didn't fully comply with my order."

"Why are you so eager to see Little Samehada anyway?" asked a smirking Kisame.

"I wouldn't call it little." noted Zetsu while eying the large bulge in Kisame's briefs.

A trickle of blood came out of white Zetsu's nostril.

Tobi returned bottle in hand "I have the sake Zetsu-san."

"Zetsu-sama." he was corrected.

"Y-Yes, Zetsu-sama." stammered Tobi, whilst pouring the drinks.

"Are you going to make us wear nail varnish, like Pain-sama did? Kisame asked.

"Actually that was Konan's idea." Zetsu informed him. Then he glanced down at his hands with the fingernails painted pink. "But I think it was a great idea, we'll continue this tradition."

"Tobi misses Konan-chan. Why did she abandon us?" asked Tobi.

"I guess the only reason she was with the Akatsuki was because of her boyfriend." Zetsu speculated. "And now he's dead."

"He always was dead. Pain-sama was just one of the corpses controlled by that guy called Nagato, right?" said Kisame.

"True."

"A zombie boyfriend… that's just weird."

"Not as weird as you."

Kisame looked dejected. "Is it because I'm strangely coloured?"

Tobi inched closer to Samehada and when the others weren't looking he poured the remaining sake into Samehada's mouth. He then tackle-hugged Zetsu and proclaimed him to be the weirdest person here. This didn't cheer Kisame up, who was still sulking.

"Get off me you stupid lollipop." black Zetsu shouted.

"Awww, Tobi loves hugs." he said and then drunkenly threw his arms around Kisame instead. This cheered Kisame up a little, who secretly loved hugs as well.

"So, Zetsu-sama." Kisame smirked. "What plans do you have for the Akatsuki, besides from making us run around naked?"

Tobi whimpered and cuddled up closely to his blue friend, hoping to be protected from the crazy nudist.

"I demand breakfast in bed every morning." "Chewy people are my favourite." "I also want you to bring lots of puppies and kittens for me to snack on."

Tobi gasped. "You shouldn't eat any kitties; they're too cute to kill."

"Don't tell me what to do, I'm your boss now."

"Tobi is sorry."

"Anyway…" Zetsu continued. "The Akatsuki are now an organisation devoted to protecting the environment. We shall cull around two-thirds of the humans; they truly are the worst species on this world. Err, no offense meant Tobi."

"I'm human too." interjected Kisame.

"Sure you are." Zetsu chuckled. "You will be in charge of protecting marine life. Tobi…"

"Yes?"

"It's your mission to slaughter all the lumberjacks."

"Yes sir!"

"I think that covers everything..." "No, I'll make a list of rules tomorrow once I've sobered up."

"You won't be making up any more ridiculous rules." Kisame told him.

"What?"

"I think I'll be in charge of the Akatsuki for now."

"I didn't think you wanted…"

"I don't. But you turned out to be a complete nutcase and I don't want you to be the leader anymore."

"Tobi votes for you." said Tobi cheerfully to the former Hidden Mist ninja. "You're not going to make me take my mask or anything off are you?"

"No, of course I won't"

"Yay!"

"I vote for myself." said Zetsu. "So do I." "So that's two votes for me and two for Kisame." "I guess we'll have to share the leadership." "Sharing is good." "No it isn't."

"Why do you get two votes anyway?" asked Kisame.

Zetsu just stared at him.

"You know what, its fine. But I think Samehada should have a vote as well. What do you think?" he asked his sword.

"Gi Gi Gi Gi".

"Samehada votes for me."

Samehada began to drunkenly wiggle around on the floor, making serpentine twists and loops.

Kisame poked his sword. "What are you doing?"

"I think it's dancing." Tobi giggled.

"Your stupid sword shouldn't get a vote." complained Zetsu.

"Don't you dare insult Samehada!" Kisame snarled.

"Ok. It's actually the smartest sword I've ever met, but it's not an Akatsuki member and so shouldn't get to vote."

"Forget about voting. We're going to fight for the leadership." Kisame grinned.

He stood up and grabbed Samehada but the drunken sword couldn't stay straight and flopped over.

"Can't keep it up." Zetsu sniggered.

Kisame chuckled in amusement and dropped his weapon. He then slammed into Zetsu, knocking him to the ground. Zetsu didn't really stand a chance in a wrestling match against the much stronger man. However his white side was enjoying himself a lot, especially since his muscular opponent wasn't wearing much at all.

Tobi, thinking that if he won they'd let him become leader, decided to join in. He ran into the kitchen, grabbed a frying pan and quickly returned to the fray. Kisame managed to get Zetsu in a chokehold but the plant ninja grew out his two venus fly-trap extensions in an attempt to protect his neck. Then the frying pan came crashing down on Kisame's head. He released Zetsu and turned on Tobi.

"What do you think you're playing at? Give me that!" He said angrily and snatched the frying pan out Tobi's hands.

His attempts to whack Tobi proved futile as the evasive ninja dodged every blow. He then decided to beat up Zetsu, although his venus fly-trap somewhat softened the blows raining down on his head.

Samehada wiggled up to Kisame and entwined around his legs, causing him to fall over. The sword then nipped its owner a few times.

"Gi Gi!" it said angrily.

"Get off me Samehada! You shouldn't be jealous of a frying pan, I promise not to use any other weapon besides you as long as you're a good sword." He let go of the frying pan.

"Gi." Satisfied, the shark-sword released Kisame from its constricting grip and slithered out of the way.

Recognising Kisame as the strongest fighter, Zetsu had started kicking him while he was down. "Tobi, we need to work together if…"

WHACK

Tobi had picked up the discarded frying pan and hit Zetsu square in the face.

"I am going to EAT you." the enraged cannibal threatened.

Tobi screamed and ran away. However, he was quite drunk and didn't get very far before tripping up. As he fell to the ground Zetsu dived on top of him and bit down hard into his shoulder.

"Help! Tobi doesn't want to be eaten."

Kisame had gotten up, collected his drunken sword and wandered over to the cannibal and his reluctant meal.

"Why don't you enjoy their chakra, Samehada." he said and dropped his sword onto the two bodies on the ground. Greedily Samehada drained most of Zetsu's chakra. Tobi however had fire-type chakra which the sword hated, so instead it just bit deeply into Tobi's side. The masked man let out another loud scream.

"Alright, I think that's enough. Stop trying to eat Tobi-chan" said Kisame, nudging them apart with his foot.

Zetsu, dangerously low on chakra and having had a bit too much to drink, knew when he was defeated. He looked up from his position on the ground at the tall man looming over him. "Ok, I can't fight anymore. I guess that means the new Akatsuki leader is…"

"Samehada!" Tobi shouted. "It fought the best out of all of us."

"I don't think so." said Kisame.

"Gi Gi Gi."

"Whatever. We'll continue this tomorrow. Maybe you two will put up a better fight when sober." he said, slinging his floppy sword over his shoulder and leaving the room.

"Zetsu-san, you're not mad at me are you?"

Zetsu sighed. "No Tobi, I guess I wasn't being very nice to you today. I understand why you wouldn't want me as your leader."

"Tobi is glad you're not angry. Are we still bestest friends?"

"Sure"

"Yay!" Tobi threw his arms around his friend.

"Stop doing that. I hate hugs." "It's way past your bedtime. You should go to bed."

"Alright. Will you tuck me in and read me a bedtime story?"

"No fucking way." Zetsu tried to prise off the clinging ninja but failed, he ended up carrying his drunken friend to his room and tucking him snuggly into bed.