Cigarette Budget
By Dixxy Mouri

It was a terrible sound that rang through the ship and everywhere in a three knot radius.

Sanji had gone to take a shower and, upon returning to the men's quarter and dressing, discovered that his third worst fear had come true. Fear #1 - starving again. Fear #2 - dying a virgin (though that one had been taken care of). And then there was Fear #3.

"SOMEBODY STOLE MY FUCKING CIGARETTES!"

By the time those who were concerned arrived on the scene (Franky and Usopp), the men's room had already had the wrecking ball that was a nicotine-deprived Sanji blow through it. Drawers had been pulled out and emptied, furniture had flipped over, and the cook was standing in the middle of it all, panting and looking around like a madman.

"WHO TOOK THEM!?" he demanded.

"Sanji, bro, calm down!" Franky said, holding up his hands as he approached the panicked man to try and settle his rage. "I'm sure they'll turn up. Why would anyone steal your cigarettes? No one else smokes on the ship – now stop making a mess out of Sunny before I blow your head off with a Coup de Vent!"

Franky was promptly defeated in a flurry of angry kicks and poor Usopp was caught in the crossfire.

And so Sanji stormed off to find the thief. Chopper would fix the treacherous robot and the long nosed idiot later. Provided the good doctor wasn't the thief. If he was the thief, well, they would be having venison for dinner.

"Oh Sanji-kun!"

Sanji turned to face his lovely angel of the seas when he saw, much to his horror, Nami was holding his last carton of cigarettes over the side of the boat. "Nami-san," he said, sobering immediately and holding up his hands in defense. "Please don't do that. Just put the cigarettes down on the deck and I'll . . . think of something to make it worth your while."

Nami looked between Sanji and the carton, biting her bottom lip before she tossed the carton overboard and Sanji felt his stomach sink.

"NAMI-SWAN! THOSE WERE MY LAST ONES!" Sanji rushed to the side of the boat in time to watch the carton bob in the water for a second before beginning to sink into the ocean below. He was ready to jump after them before Nami grabbed his collar and begged him to stop. "MY CIGARETTES! NO, MY CIGARETTES!"

"Sanji-KUN!" Nami said, yanking him backwards and slapping him across the face. Sanji stared at her in shock and surprise, rubbing where she'd smacked him. "Do you realize how much money your smoking habit is costing us? With your two pack a day habit we're buying over sixty packs a month and at almost seven hundred berries a pack that costs us over half a million berries – we don't have that kind of money!"

"You threw my cigarettes overboard!" Sanji said. "I NEED them!"

"No you don't and neither does our budget!" Nami crossed her arms.

"Those were my SMOKES! I bought them with MY money!"

"Money that YOU owe ME!"

"I pay you back plenty every month to keep on top of the interest and you know that!"

"Well you still owe me more!"

The fight was getting intense as the two combatants were now face to face, growling at each other. Sanji was normally a gentleman but here Nami had just . . . had just . . . it was one of the cruelest things she could do to him! She threw his CIGARETTES overboard! His wonderful, calming, addicting smokes! Some days they were the only things keeping him from going batshit insane on their ship!

And she just THREW THEM OUT!?

"What am I supposed to do NOW, Nami-san?! What am I going to do NOW?!"

"Get over it!"

"HOW AM I GOING TO DO THAT!"

"Spend some of that energy you're using yelling at me and do something else to keep you busy!"

"Oh yeah? Like what, Nami-san? Like what?"

Nami wasn't sure where the suggestion came from. In all honesty if she hadn't been so damn angry with him it might have not happened. But somewhere in their argument one of them made a crude joke about what Sanji could do with all that pent up energy and they ended up carrying out the suggestion below deck.

There was no question in the navigator's mind that EVERYONE had heard them.

Author's Notes

Yes another one from 30 Pieces back in 2009. Not much got edited here. *shrugs*

Dixxy