Children of War

by Michaela Wills

I met Heero Yuy on a beach during the war. I was on my way home and I found him facedown in the sand. He hid his face and ran from me, yet for all his running, we always seemed to meet again. Sometimes by my design, but just as frequently by fate alone.

I met Duo Maxwell on a pier during the war. He, the knight in shining armor, me, the princess staring down the barrel of a gun. He shot Heero Yuy to keep him from shooting me. Though I never thanked him or even appeared thankful, Duo Maxwell has always had a smile and a kind word for me.

I met Trowa Barton in Antartica during the war. He was the travelling companion to Heero Yuy when I threw myself in Heero's path to offer him his humanity. Though the meeting was brief, I came to recognize the virtues and prowess of the mysterious pilot 03.

I met Quatre Raberba Winner in the Sank Kingdom during the war. Once again, he was in the company of Heero Yuy. Stepping off that plane into my world, he offered a helping hand and a smile. Quatre Winner has always been a dependable young man and I have much admiration for him. As much as he has for me.

I have yet to meet Chang WuFei, and the war is over.

Perhaps that is the reason I sit here, instead of at the other table. I met the other four pilots during a war, most of them, ironically, through Heero's antics. We have all felt the affects of war on our lives, something we don't want to experience again. In the end, we are all children of the war.

I'm a child of the war. My life was scrambled and torn completely away by political and miltiant infighting. How many times have I wondered what my life would be like if the Sank Kingdom had not been destroyed? A hundred? A thousand? More? Would I have been happier? Would I have been more spoiled than I was? Would I be in love, real love, with anyone? Would I have had a caring relationship with my brother, instead of the shallow puppetry we play together?

With all this behind us, even the political aspects, I want the rest of my life to be different. I want it to continue without these haunting questions. And right now, the only way to do that is to keep what is the war as far out of my life a possible. That is why I can't join the pilots. Those four boys, Heero, Duo, Trowa, and Quatre, they are all part of the War efforts in my mind. I met them in the throws of battle, when it controlled every aspect of their lives and mine.

And WuFei . . . To walk over to that table and let Heero, Duo, or even Quatre introduce me to him is to connect him to the mist of that awful war. It's making him a Gundam Pilot all over again. And for some reason, I don't want that. I want WuFei to belong to the world after war in my mind. I want him to be part of my peace.

Perhaps, I'm afraid of what it will do to me intimately. I know what others, especially Dorothy, think of my feelings for Heero. And it's true: I've never denied I felt something for him. Heero was the first of many truly remarkable and talented young men to ever enter my life. The world and all its society paled when he was near.

But for all that Dorothy does see, she can't see how deeply the Eve War has affected my heart. Because of it, I don't think it's possible for me to see Heero as more that the Gundam Pilot that invaded my life and gave me the courage to follow his footsteps. The courage to challenge the world. My path, of course, took a different form than his own. I tried his way, I pulled a gun on Lady Une, but a weapon-toting pilot is not what I am. It's not my nature. That act took so much out of me. It makes me appreciate everything that Quatre did. To put aside his nature and that of his family to be a pilot.

Heero is a soldier to me. Sure I liked him, I still like him, but it can never be more because of what he is and what I am. We're in different worlds now, he remains a solider by his volition and does not fully enter in the world I belong to as a diplomat of peace. In the preceeding months I was the one out of place while he was in his element. Now, the roles will reverse.

I don't know if my logic makes any sense to anyone but me. I simply cannot fall in love with someone so intimately tied to the war in my mind and life. All of the pilots are elligible, brave and attractive suitors for any young woman such as myself. Most women would kill to know them on a first name basis. But as children of war, four of them are beyond my emotional reach. There is no place for love in war. This established their places in my heart as friends. It is beyond any of our capacities or desires to change that. I'm not so attached to Heero that I even want to try. It would be too. . . Painful. Intimacy with any one of them, while I'm sure it would be happy and loving, would be full of reminders of a more painful life.

Chang WuFei is the only one I see outside of this. He is dashingly attractive and well bred. It shows in his reserve. Sure, he too, carries pain of the war. More than most, but so do I and everyone else. Everyone carries some of the mentality of a child of war. I hear someone nearby clear their throat.

Oh God! I've been brooding far too long! How long has he been sitting here beside me while I stare into space. "I-I'm sorry, sir. I guess I have been a little distracted. How terribly rude of me. How do you do Mr. . . ."

I know his name perfectly well, but I just can't assume to know him. He takes my hand and brushes his lips to it. A perfect gentleman. I knew he was well-bred, perhaps not in the same sense as I, but well-bred none the less.

"Chang WuFei, Miss Relena Dorlain. I'm quite well, but you do seem a bit out of place, sitting here alone." My focus is drawn away from my exotic companion. He draws it by motioning away from the table, bringing my eyes to the dance floor. He is right to mention I'm alone. Most of the guests are dancing. I can see Duo from here. His tie is draped around his neck, totally undone with the top few buttons on his black collared shirt loose, the sleevs rolled to his elbows, the jacket discarded. The music is a light jazzy number and he's gyrating with a smoothness and ease no one else matches. "Would you care to dance? Join the rest of the party?"

His eyes meet mine and I register what he addressed me as only now. Dorlain, not Peacecraft, Dorlain. Peacecraft is my true title, but I only used it the last few months . . . as a tribute to my birth father and his ideals which I fought for. Inside, I no longer feel I'm a Peacecraft. It is a name I connect with war and my brother. I was raised a Dorlain and I returned to that name once my birth father's ideals became reality. Also, I note, he neglects to introduce himself as the pilot of the Shenlong/Altron Gundam.

I looked into those eyes and saw WuFei for the first time: A child of war, like myself, who is trying to leave the war behind. Seperately, we know war, but together, we know only each other and the peaceful conditions we meet under.

Perhaps up until this point one of the other pilots had goaded him into this. Before this moment, it was all politeness, formality. I think he sees in my eyes what I see in his now. And his facial expression is softening ever so slightly. He carries survival guilt also, feeling bad for making it through. I know it when I see it. All the other pilots hide it deep inside and so do I. So does he.

There's something else there too. I can't place a finger on it, but I can't sit here forever staring into those beautiful dark eyes of his trying to see. I nod to him, putting my hand in his own. I rise and join him, walking to the dance floor.

The jazzy number so perfect for Duo Maxwell and his light aura ends. A slow number, a tango, begins. I hear something within it that startles me, and I look out to the orchestra. Quatre and Trowa have procured instruments and joined for this set. A viola for the blond and a flute for the mysterious brunette. Hearing a new noise, WuFei and I both turn in the direction of the short cry of shock. Duo, grinning madly, has yanked one of the former Oz wallflowers from her post. Noin obviously hadn't expected the attention, judging from the cry and her furious blush now. I can see Duo's mouth moving, he's probably telling her she's not allowed to stay hidden in the corners from now on. Behind the pair, I can see Heero asking Sally in a much more dignified manner to dance.

WuFei and I share a look. He raises an eyebrow as if to say: "Well, look at Duo Maxwell, always causing a scene, isn't he?" I simply smile with amusement. I can see the amusement growing in his eyes. Such beautiful eyes. Dark and deep with emotion.

He turns me to face him, and I move into place, grasping his hand and resting my arm on his. WuFei quickly alters my position against him, bringing me closer in a more complex dance frame. Without waiting for me to confirm the change into postion he begins to lead me through the dance.

Without words, we glide around the floor. The tango is a sensual and passionate dance, and for some reason, it's perfect. There's no need for us to exchange anything verbally with such an intimate dance, all we exchange is through our bodies and souls. The twinge of tension between us inevitably keeps us close and I can feel WuFei's heart beating next to mine.

I sigh. This moment is what I have strived for all my life. Peace. This, this moment now, dancing with WuFei is peace. Before I took my place in the Eve Wars I was fighting. I was fighting restlessness and unease with parts of my life. I never felt whole, because even though I didn't know I was adopted the yearning for the family I knew only in my unconscious mind drove me to unease.

Now I know the truth and I'm at peace with myself. I know who Relena Dorlain is through and through. The Eve War has ended and the world is at peace with me. The string of tension in my back is the only thing that can bother me at this moment and even that feels right.

Perhaps WuFei is part of my peace, just as I want him to be. This is my first memory of real peace and WuFei is a part of it. I now realize what that look in his eyes was. I haven't seen it in so long. It was contentness and peace. Peace in the eyes of a Gundam pilot.

The tango ends and WuFei and I part. I see the glimmer in his eyes as he looks at Sally Po. He'll ask her to dance next. As for me, I see Quatre climbing off the stage, a happy smile cavorting on his face. He's speaking energically to Trowa, his eyes darting to me every few moments and then to Catherine, the girl Trowa brought with him to the party. I think I know now why Chang WuFei asked me to dance and why he's been so formal with me.

And perhaps Trowa will also help me heal. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe all the pilots will not only be part of the war in my mind, but part of my peace as well. Love can't exist in war, but maybe love can heal what's left from war. Actually I know it can. War, is a strange thing.

But then again, so is the human mind and the human heart.