"Take care of yourself, Kaidan. I hope you don't try to follow me, you-"
He cut the message off there, remembering the first time he had ever heard it.
"..hope you don't try to follow me..."
It would be forever burned into his brain, now. However many years it had been and how long peace had been a plausible concept had dulled Kaidan's perception of reality and time. All that existed was Shepard, in that message, in that part of time.
"...follow me."
"...follow me."
"...follow me."
The years spent on this planet had entailed the eating and drinking of tasteless meats and barely-clean water, the scavenging of supplies and the untrustworthy offer of the planet's safe atmosphere. It was too perfect for her not to be there.
Kaidan realized that he had allowed the message to loop, the familiar words already forming on his own tongue. How many...years had it been? Applying years seemed odd; the assumption of an alien race's measurements.
The only real measurement of time he could bring himself to allocate was how Joker seemed. The pilot's jokes became less frequent, his snide comments unheard of. EDI tended him night and day; almost a human companion, Kaidan had mused.
Sleeping at the same time every night had become less and less of a sure thing as the years had worn on. When he heard everyone settle down in the humless ship, he would walk the planet's surface. The faint traces of resemblance to the SR1 only served as a taunting reminder of her, before Cerberus and even before the Reapers. He never needed to remind himself where he was, but it was evident a less-grounded man could fool himself into thinking of decades past. Well, he wouldn't be disintegrating into anything of the sort. Shepard would never stand for it.
Kaidan drew himself to his feet in Shepard's old cabin, now a shell of its former self. He allowed his hands to trail over what remained of the walls. All of her possessions, the stupid model ships, the now-dead terminal and even her clothes remained untouched. That last one was difficult. He could not, would not, allow himself to touch her clothes. Moving them from how she had set them would seem like disrupting a part of her; yet curiosity did bring him to wonder how they felt, how they smelled. Could he even remember her smell after all these years? He told himself he did, indicating to some barely-remembered sensation at the back of his mind.
Thoughts of life aboard the wreck of the Normandy flowed suddenly thick and fast as he exited silently. Of course, some of the survivors had paired off to have children of their own. One or two had set off to set up shelter outside the ship and had never returned. Shepard would have had a greater way of organizing things, he thought. She'd make sure everyone got food and water before herself.
The foliage was smooth and slick over here; not as thick and cumbersome as near the ship. Kaidan's feet brought him over rising terrain, uphill and downhill until it occurred to him that he was wandering too far away from the ship. He no longer cared. Something to alter his numb days would be refreshing. She still haunted him in his dreams; sleep was not an option.
Kaidan stopped to allow himself proper thinking space as he came to level ground, his breathing shallower than before. He had reached a dark plateau edged by trees. Sounds from the trees could be heard overhead, and he paused to listen momentarily. Kaidan allowed himself to close his eyes properly, quickly checking again that no one had followed him.
A sound brought him to his senses. A faint whirring came from the dark trees, a low blue glow emitting from it. Kaidan paused, knowing too well not to rush off into the dark unaccompanied. His arms felt useless by his sides, dangling aimlessly. A whimper of pain, a low moan echoed from the direction of the light. Kaidan didn't realize when his feet began to bring him towards it with light footfalls. He swiped the foliage out of his eyesight as he met the hum and glow of the light. He fought desperately not to think of the geth "Church" on Feros.
Kaidan felt the lump form in his throat before he truly understood what was happening. There she was, illuminated by the glow. She was slumped on the ground against a tree's gnarled roots. Her blood-caked fingernails hag begun to dig into its thick bark as her face distorted against the pain. She hadn't aged a day.
"Shepard?" Kaidan throat was parched and his voice stubbornly activating. He fell to his knees beside the woman, turning her grimy face to his with a delicate hand. Shepard's eyes flickered open at his touch as opposed to his voice, taking her time to meet his concerned eyes.
"K-Kaidan?" She whispered, her voice barely audible. Her eyes widened momentarily, making her seem as if the drastic movement may exhaust her.
"It's me," he breathed. "It's me."
Kaidan busied himself with checking her face until he heard her whimper once more as her eyes fell to her own form. This was not the fiery commander he remembered, so easily touched and manipulated. He followed her eyes downwards, feeling his blood turn to ice as he did so. He quickly turned her in his arms, cradling her broken form as he did so.
"No, no, no!" Kaidan repeated. He desperately tried applying pressure to the wound on her stomach that had saturated her clothing with blood. "I just found you again, I can't let you-"
"'What happens when...you stop controlling them," Shepard whispered. "But they're gone, Kaidan...the Reapers, destroyed."
"I knew- of course you completed the mission, Shepard. Stay a minute and let me help you, there's supplies-"
"Don't waste them on me." Shepard half-smiled, closing her eyes gently.
"I can't lose you a third time Shepard...I can't live without you."
Kaidan felt her hand find its way to his, squeezing softly. He brushed the matted hair from her forehead and applied a chaste kiss there.
"I came back for you, Kaidan." Shepard wheezed, attempting to pull herself upwards to meet his eyes properly. "I destroyed a station, all those lives for..."
"And you'll make up for it when you come live with us onboard the Normandy again."
Shepard's eyes lit up as they opened. "Really?"
"Joker's there," Kaidan nodded, tears pricking at his eyes. "Tali, Garrus, Liara and James. Just don't leave me again, Shepard."
"That sounds nice." Shepard settled back into his arms, eyes closing once more.
"Thank you, Shepard." Kaidan whispered, bowing his head over the woman's still form.
"Thank you, Kaidan," she squeezed his hand gently. "You make me feel human."
Kaidan felt his head reel. He lifted his head to gaze down at her fully, feeling the lump return to his throat as the tears threatened to overspill. "I love you, Shepard. I always have and I always will."
She was lifeless by then. Her form had become a still and silent one, eyes closed and relaxed in peace. He traced her still features before applying soft kisses to her cheek and forehead. Kissing her lifeless lips seemed an odd sort of blasphemy to the legend she was. He no longer attempted to understand how she had found her way back to him, but he was thankful for it. He could accept death happily, now.
Kaidan hooked an arm around the back of her knees and one around her back; a crude imitation of a bridal lift. Such a woman deserved a proper burial.