Disclaimer: Contrary to popular belief, I do not own anything Yu-Gi-Oh, except the horror of the dark and divine powers of the Millennium Sock Drawer, and when looked at the right way, it really belongs to my dark alter ego. Also, no matter how hard I searched on E-Bay, I also don't currently own any great poets of the late 19th and early 20th century. Or Yuko from Clamp's 'Xxx Holio'. Or Nana from Satomi Ikezawa's 'Othello'. I do not own Tohru Honda from Natsuki Takaya's 'Fruits Basket'.
Well, after writing The Health Class Fic of SC4R33 D00M (aka The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Idiots When It Comes to Dealing With the Opposite Gender), I had people beg and plead and cry for a new one. I had one suggestion to do one for Algebra, but I tried it, and it didn't work out. I think I may try again after this. But with my natural history buffness, wouldn't it make sense to do one for Global History? I tried that too, and also failed. And finally, a success. DRIVER'S EDUCATION!
While this isn't in movie format like last one, it does feature a solid couple paragraphs of a movie, a psychotic teacher, and Serenity, Joey, Seto, and Ryo as the main characters.
So now, for your viewing horror, I am pleased to present, The Driver's Ed Fic of SC4R33 D00M!
THE DRIVER'S ED FIC OF SC4R33 D00M!
"Oh Captain! My Captain! Our fearful trip is done, the ship has weather'd every rack, the prize we sought is won, the port is near, the bells I hear, the people all exulting, while follow eyes the steady keel, the vessel grim and daring; But O heart! Heart! Heart! O the bleeding drops of red, where on the deck my Captain lies, fallen cold and-OH GOD!"
"AAAIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETCH
BANG!
"EEK!" Ryo said, covering his eyes in horror. "Tea just ran over another poet of the late nineteenth and early twentieth century, didn't she?"
Our four mismatched heroes, after suffering almost everything that this sick minded authoress could pall out of the warped vaults of her tiny little brain, now face the most daunting challenge of all…DRIVER'S EDUCATION! Yes, Serenity (who is underage, but for some unknown reason managed to sneak in, probably through Mai, she has these kind of connections), Joey (Brainless Moron), Seto (was forced to come here against his will), and Ryo (gender unknown) were now partnered into a group to take their final test for drivers education test to get their permits!
"Okay, so far, Tea has ran over Emily Dickinson, Robert Frost, and Walt Whitman," said Serenity, counting the casualties on her fingers.
"If you can keep your head while all around you are losing theirs and blaming it on you, if you can trust yourself when all men doubt you, but make an allowance out of their do-OH GOD!"
"And she just ran over Rudyard Kipling," said Seto as a tire bounced passed the four, who were standing on the sidewalk waiting to take their test.
"Duh…why are we here again?" asked Joey.
"Oh boy! Flashback time!" said Serenity, slamming a 'flashback' button on a little control pad that appeared out of nowhere.
Wavy Flashback Effects
"ALRIGHT!" screamed the teacher, who's name on a copper plaque on the table with a huge bite mark in it was 'Mr. Ulysses' in a classroom that looked more like a military outpost, filled with a bunch of maps that had little pin pricks in certain areas, as well as a few flamethrowers on display. "Today, due to the fact that we have nothing better to do, and the fact it's national 'Health Insurance Nullification Day', today, we begin the practical test!"
"SWEET!" screamed Joey.
"This is going to be so awesome!" said Yugi, having fantasies that he was six feet tall and muscular driving a sports car full to the brim with hot blonde chicks in bikinis.
"Yeah…" said Tristan, having the same fantasy, but the girl on shot gun was actually Tea's Mom. (A/N Very scary mental pictures here)
"HEY!" screamed Tea, reading the previous paragraph and punching Tristan in the face.
"A-already?" asked Ryo, overcome with feelings mixing between incompetence and cardiac arrest. Serenity looked at him worriedly as he sank deeper into his chair so much that he fell out.
Seto was just reading a computer catalog.
"But first, you wussy girls will all have to watch a short and graphic film!" said Mr. Ulysses.
"ALSO SWEET!" said Joey happily, bouncing up and down in his chair.
"I BETTER NOT SEE ANYONE CRYING DURING THIS MOVIE, OR THEIR GOING TO JOIN JIMMY THAMOS!" yelled Ulysses, pulling out a television and VCR set.
"Who's Jimmy Thamos?" asked Serenity.
"You know that skeleton in the Biology lab?" asked Mr. Ulysses.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" screamed Ryo in shock and fear.
"Ryo…that skeleton's made of plexi-glass," said Serenity.
"Well…Jimmy Thamos's grisly, malformed, pulsating, oozing hand-" started Mr. Ulysses.
Ryo was looking like he just had a heart attack.
"-cleans it every Wednesday," said Mr. Ulysses.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-wait, what?" Ryo asked.
"Alright people, keep your eyes on this film!" said Sergent Ulysses, pulling down a white shade over the chalk board. "Male Wheeler, get the lights."
"OKAY!" Joey said joyfully, grabbing Seto by the throat and hurling him at the light switch, causing it to break, and all the lights to turn off.
"I HATE YOU WHEELER!" screamed Seto, as the countdown began on the film screen. Then, the narrator appeared on the screen.
"This is the story of a boy named Dave. Dave was a good kid, always riding a bike to deliver newspapers on his local block, hoping to save money for a limited edition copy of Bunny Bashers 4.0, and his very own Skippy the Speed Butt," said the narrator "However, on his sixteenth birday, Dave's parents bought him his very own car. This is the story of how Dave slaughtered every single person on the street while driving recklessly, and how it eventually ended to his tragic death at such a young age…"
"DON'T YOU DARE LOOK AWAY PEOPLE! DON'T YOU DARE!" screamed Mr. Ulysses.
The following has been deleted due to excessive violence, blood, gore, and an image of George W. Bush dancing across the screen wearing a pink tutu holding a fish and singing 'I Feel Like a Woman'. Due to this scene being inappropriate for a family quality fanfiction, we shall replace it with an excerpt form the following story in your fanfiction lineup, 'Shouju Manga Characters Attack'
"Sir! News from the front line!" said a soldier in front of an army officers desk in some random scene in the fic.
"Is it grim?" asked the general.
"Yes sir…" said the cadet. "We thought it was going to be easy at first. You know, simple stuff, like a girl not understanding why a guy she has a crush on hates her, until it turns out that her biological Dad ran away with his Mom, and then it progressed…you know, it steadily got worse…the girls got a lot cuter…then we took massive damage from several soft, adorable plushies and…and…"
"My God, what is it?" asked the general.
"THEY'VE GOT MAGICAL GIRLS AND GIRLY MEN! TALL, THIN, LONG HAIRED GIRLY MEN! AND GIRLS WITH SHORT SKIRTS AND FEATHERY WINGS CARRYING AROUND MAGIC STICKS THAT THEY USE TO MAKE ALL OF OUR TROUPS EXTREMELY HAPPY, AND SKIP AROUND IN PRETTY DRESSES SIPPING…TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
"Have they brought in Yuko and Nana yet?" asked the general urgently.
"Thankfully, not yet sir," said the cadet.
Suddenly, there was a banging sound at the door.
"Oh, that will be Tohru Honda the Homocidal Maniac coming to kill us," said the cadet.
---ooo---
And now, back to your regularly scheduled fanfiction.
Everyone in the entire room looked bug eyed and weirded out by what they just saw. It seemed almost as everyone's heart just stopped. Even Seto looked a bit off color.
"Alright, who wants to drive?" Mr. Ulysses said.
Back to the Present Effects
THE DRIVER'S TEST RESULTS SO FAR
Group One
Anesawa, Nanami: C- (slammed into car in parking lot)
Chichisazi, Tsuba: D+ (slammed same car in parking lot, and then crashed into the school)
Mouto, Yugi: A+ (Originally, and F, but after realizing that Mr. Ulysses was evil, turned into Yami and kicked his sorry butt and warped his little mind with a Shadow Game. He is now legally insane, and was replaced at the last minute after Yami changed
his grade to an A+)
Manikasi, Suko: B- (the replacement Drivers Ed teacher's a lot nicer)
Group Two
Taylor, Tristan: F+ (fantasized about Tea's Mom again and accidentally drove into a badly placed mine field)
Tohya, Kureano: D- (ran over seven ducks and the mayor)
Tohya, Kimiko: B+ (flirted with Drivers Ed teacher)
Garnder, Tea: Dude, it's not looking good.
---ooo---
And so after Tea managed to climb out of the extremely beaten up student car, that leaves the final group, group number three, alone to take the next driver's test.
"I failed, didn't I?" said Tea.
"You destroyed both headlights, rear ended a car, nearly ran over a bunch of children crossing the road, and you ran over several great poets of the late nineteenth and twentieth century," said the replacement driver's teacher, Mr. Thing. "You get a D+."
"YAY!" said Tea.
"Alright, now it's time for you three," said Mr. Thing, pointing to Serenity and the others.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Ryo in pain.
"Suck it up Girly Boy," said Seto.
"Alright, all four of you, get in the car," said Mr. Thing. "Now we're going to do this in alphabetical order, so that means that Mr. Bakura goes first."
"I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE!" screamed Ryo.
"It's okay Ryo! Just get in the driver's seat," said Serenity, as she, Joey, and Seto got in the back seat, and Ryo took the drivers seat, with the driver's teacher on shot gun. Ryo was now sweating like crazy, and he could barely feel his numb arms.
"Okay…uh…uh…" said Ryo, hyperventilating. "Put your, um, key in the ignition…"
He put the key in the ignition, and didn't do anything else. He just sat there staring through the window.
"Well?" asked Mr. Thing.
"Well what?" Ryo said quickly.
"Aren't you going to start the car?" asked the teacher.
"Can't we just…skip that part?" Ryo asked.
"No Mr. Bakura," said Mr. Thing. "Start the car."
"Oh…kay…" said Ryo, turning the key, and then screamed in horror when the engine roared as it fired up.
"I'M OKAY I'M okay I'm…oh…kay…" Ryo said, panting in horror, the wheel in a death grip in his hands.
"Okay, now let's start," said Mr. Thing.
With that, Ryo pressed down on the gas pedal as light as humanly possible, and the car started to go…very, very slowly. The were at about a centimeter a mile.
"Um…are we moving?" Joey asked.
"Oh look, the speedometer just moved," said Seto.
"Ryo, you can go a little faster you know…" said Serenity.
"Nothisspeed'sfine," said Ryo in a panic. That's when the car actually stopped moving altogether.
"Now what?" Mr. Thing asked.
"I think that blue Sedan over their has the white of way," said Ryo, pointing to one car in the parking lot.
"The car's in park! There's no one in it!" said Seto angrily.
"You should never just assume these things you know!" Ryo said.
"Okay Ryo, I think that's enough," said Mr. Thing. "I have a pretty good idea of what your grade's going to be."
"Did I pass?" Ryo asked hopefully.
"No," said Mr. Thing, shoving a huge F in his face, and Ryo promptly started crying. "Alright Mr. Kaiba, your next."
"Joy," said Seto, getting out of the back seat, as Ryo passed by him, sobbing his heart out.
"Calm down Ryo, you can always take a re-test," said Serenity kindly.
"YOU'RE A LOSER! HA HA HA!" said Joey, pointing at Ryo and laughing at his misery.
"Alright, before we begin, are you capable of driving above ten miles per hour?" asked Mr. Thing to Seto as he got in and buckled up.
"Yeah…" said Seto.
"THANK YOU GOD!" screamed Mr. Thing. "I mean, uh, you may start."
"May I question your sanity?" asked Seto. "Oh never mind. I think I already know the answer."
So Seto, amazingly, managed to start the car, pull it out of the school parking lot, and actually made it out into the road without destroying anything. Even better, he actually didn't destroy anything while doing the test (well, parallel parking was a bit shaky, but really, who's good a parallel parking?). Everything was great…until the gang hit Route 27.
"Alright, we're just about done," said Mr. Thing. "Now we just need to get back to the school so Mr. Wheeler can drive."
"That doesn't sound to h-" Ryo started.
"Don't finish that sentence Ryo!" Serenity screamed in horror. "You'll activate the curse of Route 27!"
"What's the curse of Route 27?" asked Ryo.
"Well, I knew this guy, who new this guy, who knew this guy, who knew this guy, who new this girl, who knew this girl, who knew this guy, who knew this girl's best friend's cousin, who knew this dog-" Serenity said.
"Get on with the stupid story!" Seto screamed.
"Once there was a guy who was taking a driver's test, and he was almost finished on this route, and he said that sentence Ryo nearly finished, and he suddenly lost control of the car, which caused him to crash into a car, which crashed into three more cars, and then all five got hit by a bus, and then they all rolled off a cliff, and into a pit of molten lava, which they were then trampled by lava demons, and then the Earth split, and they all got sucked into it's firey core," said Serenity. "So the place has been cursed ever since."
"Oh please Ms. Wheeler," said Mr. Thing. "Everyone knows there's no such thing as curses."
"HEY! THAT CENSORED JUST CUT ME OFF!" yelled Seto, slamming on the gas. "YA WANNA SEE SOME ACTION BUDDY!"
"Uh-" Serenity started.
"OH MY GOODNESS! HE'S GONNA USE THAT TRUCK AS A RAMP!" screamed Ryo.
Due to the excessively graphic and terribly interesting nature of the following scene, and the fact that we're short on cash, the scene has been censored. However, if your one of those incredibly stubborn and violent types, just close your eyes and insert little 'road rage' sound effects in the back of your mind, and try to recreate the graphically disturbing image of a single car cannoned into twenty others, and leaving it in a flaming pile of ruble, and the screams of innocent bystanders as their bodies are cut open! AND BLOOD THAT GUSHES EVERY WHICH WAY! AND THEY SCREAM, OH THEY SCREAM THEIR LAST SCREAMS AS THEY SUFFER A DEATH SO PAINFUL, SO WRECHED, SO TERRIBLY GRAPHIC! BLOOD GUSHING AND SPURTING FROM THEIR WOUNDS! AND ALL THOSE LOVELY GUTS AS THEY ALL-
---ooo---
We are terribly sorry for that previous announcement of censorship. Those responsible for it have been sacked, as well as given nasty spankings. And now, back to the original story.
"Well Mr. Kaiba, I'm afraid that your responsible for the twenty consecutive parking tickets, as well as the one hundred hours of community service for creating a fifty car pileup. Oh, and you fail too," said Mr. Thing, holding Seto out an F.
"Crud," said Seto.
"H-happy…thoughts…happy…thoughts…" Ryo said, curled up in a fetal position in the backseat.
"I can't feel my brain…" said Serenity.
"Is it bath time?" Joey asked.
"Mr. Wheeler, you're up next," said Mr. Thing.
Seto got out of the front seat and angrily stalked to the back seat of the car.
"Cheh, what an idiot!" said Joey, hopping in the driver's seat and buckling up his seatbelt. "ALRIGHT! I'M READY TO KICK SOME DRIVING BUTT!"
"NuhnuhnuhNO! No more of that, thank you!" said Mr. Thing.
"Ah crud," said Joey. "Don't worry! I can ace this! I know that the secret of driving is never to think and drive!"
"It's don't drink and drive you screaming simpleton," said Seto.
"Cheyah right, do I look shtoopid?" asked Joey. Everyone in the back seat nodded. "Okay, now which of these is the gas and the break or whatever?"
"DARK THOUGHTS GET OUT OF MY HEAAAAAAAAAAAAD!" screamed Ryo in agony.
"We're going to die. It's official," said Seto.
"Don't worry, I've been practicing all week!" Joey said. "I've got MD L33T SK1LLZ!"
"You've been practicing with a trusted licensed driver?" asked Mr. Thing hopefully.
"Nah, with Yugi!" said Joey.
"Your both unlicensed and you've been driving?" asked Mr. Thing in horror.
"Not a car silly! At the arcade! Super Mega Auto Homicidal Maniacs Grand Prix!" said Joey, starting the car.
"JOEY! NO!" screamed everyone in the back seat, but it was too late. Joey floored it so hard that the wheels nearly disconnected with the car, as the ran over the school gardens to get onto the road, leaving scorch marks in the road as he careened down it at one hundred miles per hour, not being able to stay on it any longer, flew off it an headed strait into a dense glade.
"TREES!" Serenity screamed, as Joey kept running right through full grown trees and actually squashing young ones as he continued his crazily weaving course through the thick forest, everyone relieved when they finally came out the other side into a glade, but that didn't last for long.
"HOUSEWIVES ARMED WITH CLEANING UTENSILS!" screamed Seto in panic, but Joey drove straight through the drones of housewives armed with brooms, mops, Swiffers, sponges, toilet brushes, and other such instruments. The damage taken from them was serious. Serenity nearly got nailed by a flying broom. Seto got a mop shoved up his face. Ryo was clocked by a flying sponge. However, even after that terrible massacre, the terror didn't end.
"OH MY BLOODY LORD!" screamed Ryo in horror. "EL-EV-VATE-TOR-MUSIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIC!"
Do we even need to say it? No, of course we don't. Just read the next of the story, and do your own darn censorship anouncment.
"That was the worst driving I have ever seen in my entire life!" screamed Mr. Thing in rage. "May I be the first to say sir, that there are bits of cheese so moldy that even the mice wont eat it that you could scrape from the bottom of a cracker-barrel that would make better Driver's Ed Students than you!"
"Thank you! Do I pass?" asked Joey.
"Let me respond to your question in the following way," said the Driver's Ed teacher, pulling out a huge mallet, and flattening Joey's little skull with it.
"Sweet!" said Joey.
"Serenity, your next," said Mr. Thing, sighing due to the fact that what that meant was that he'd have to go through one more round of supreme torture and pain. Joey happily hopped out and got into the back seat, while Serenity got out of the back seat and up to the driver's.
She didn't say a word. Almost robotically, she stuck the key in the ignition, and easily started up the car. With that, she carefully drove out into the road, and the driver's test.
More amazing still was that she did everything right. She did all the parking and the turning correctly, displaying the right turn signals, and didn't kill someone for rear-ending the car on Route 15.
"Amazing!" said Mr. Thing happily at Serenity's outstanding driving. "That was perfect! Absolutely perfect! Ms. Wheeler, just drive back to the school, and you'll be all done. Great drive, wonderful."
"Heh heh heh," laughed Serenity softly and sinisterly. "You'll never grade another Driver's Ed test again old man…"
"What?" asked Mr. Thing.
"Knew this was coming," said Seto. "DARN YOU SHRI AND YOUR SICK PLOT TWISTS!"
Before anyone could say another word, Sernity drove right off the road, down a rocky path at an extremely high speed, all the way up to a cliff (A/N God, they have everything in this town, don't they?), and actually drove the front half of the car off it. Ryo screamed at the top of his lungs, and now the car was dangling dangerously over a cliff.
"Why are you doing this!" Ryo cried.
"Woo, pretty," said Joey, looking down the bottomless gorge.
"Well," Serenity said, her voice suddenly turning nasally high pitched and scratchy. "Let's just say I enjoy bugging you!"
"Mention of bugs, stupid voice, bad puns…WEEVIL UNDERWOOD!" Seto said, pointing a finger at the Serenity Imposter.
"I'm glad you guessed," said Weevil, pulling off the Serenity mask to reveal his ugly, huge glasses, green haired head. "Now I can have lots of fun killing all three of you off!"
"You look familiar…" said Joey, looking at Weevil.
"Anyway," said Wevil, pulling off the rest of his Serenity costume (which had built-in stilts to make him look a solid one and a half feet taller), "at last! Now when I kill off two of the greatest duelists in the world…and Ryo-"
"I can't help but feel degraded," said Ryo.
"THERE SHALL BE NOTHING STANDING BETWEEN ME AND YUGI!" Weevil screamed. "THE GOD CARDS ARE MINE!"
"Reeeeeeeely familiar," said Joey.
"Any last words before I drive this car off the cliff?" asked Weevil.
"You do realize that when you do, you're going to die too, right?" asked Seto.
Very awkward silence.
"Oh BEEP," Weevil said.
"Can't we just get out?" asked Ryo.
"Can't, I jammed all the doors," said Weevil.
"Windows?" Ryo suggested.
"Jammed," said Weevil.
"Sunroof?" asked Ryo.
"Jammed," said Weevil.
"Wow…we're scrubbed…" said Mr. Thing.
"Maybe we can bust out!" said Joey, slamming his foot against the side off the car. The car rocked violently from front to back, and for one horrifying moment, everyone screamed at the top of their lungs because they thought the whole car was going to tip over. Thankfully, it stopped.
"It's okay, we can just wait here until someone rescues us!" said Ryo optimistically.
"Yeah, Mokuba will figure out I'm gone and come to save us," Seto said.
---ooo---
"Master Mokuba," said a random maid to Mokuba, who was sitting and playing PS2 in the Kaiba Mansion. "Master Seto still isn't home from his Drivers Ed class. Is it okay to assume he's dead?"
"Sure! Let's go paint his room pink!" said Mokuba.
---ooo---
"Um, well, I kinda forgot to mention something," said Weevil. "You see, when I jammed everything up, I also jammed all the air holes just in case any of you managed to survive the fall. We only have five minutes of breathable air. Sorry."
"My God, I hate you," said Seto.
"Yeah, me too," said Weevil.
"FEAR NOT!"
CRASH!
And then, slamming a huge hole in the top of the car was Serenity, wearing a superhero suit, including cape, boots, mini-skort, and midriff with a huge gold letter 'A' and 'S'.
"This looks like a job for…ACTUAL SERENITY!" said Serenity happily.
"Okay, weird," said Mr. Thing.
"Yeah, I know, but we were kinda running out of good ideas, and this one kinda stuck for a tying up of loose ends," said Serenity. "Now, after my elaborate and daring escape from a ninja hideout in the outskirts of Paraguay, which this authoress is too bored and unimaginative to think up a proper plot for, it is now time for my two-part plan! First, to get rid of the idiotic villain."
"How are you going to do that?" asked Weevil. That's when Serenity picked him up by the shirt collar and threw him out the window and into the spiraling gorge bellow.
"And now for the rescue of you four!" she said, hopping off the roof of the car and opening the back door. "Okay, you can get out now.
"Wait…it was unlocked all the time?" asked Seto.
"What? Didn't it occur to you guys to check these things?" asked Serenity.
"I love peanuts…" said Joey.
---ooo---
"Okay Serenity, thank you for saving our sorry hides in a time of crisis!" said Mr. Thing. "Your efforts are too be praised!"
"So do I pass?" asked Serenity.
"Well, actually, no," said Mr. Thing. "First of all, you didn't take the actual test. Second of all, I have just received word that you're too young to learn how to drive. Come back in a couple of years."
"What a rotten ending!" said Serenity. "This isn't how a fanfiction should end! It should end with a bunch of people ever grateful for your services, your hottie crush in your arms, and for you to walk off majestically into the sunset, with great moral and symbolic value pulsing through every moment."
"If you want that, go read a book," said Seto.
"But we have to end it in a interesting sort of way," said Ryo. "How about…the superhero ending!"
"What's that?" Joey asked stupidly.
"Basically when someone provides slapstick humor, and everyone laughs as a huge the end appears as the last sentence," said Ryo.
"Is that all we can do at this point?" asked Serenity.
"Yeah, I guess," said Ryo.
"Fine," said Seto, pressing a little red button on a control pad that appeared out of nowhere, and then a huge sixteen-ton weight came down and dropped on Joey's body. "THAT'S FOR THE LIGHT SWITCH WHEELER!"
Everyone laughed.
THE END!
"Well that was your stupidest fic yet," said Serenity. "Who came up with the final scene idea? That was just plain sad!"
"I agree," Shrilanka-San said to the fictional character.
THE ACTUAL END!