Note from the author
I own nothing, so should Paramount sue me they'd get sod all, but all the same I wish to state I do not own any characters from Star Trek be they the original series, The Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, Voyager or Enterprise. I am merely borrowing them for a while and promise to give them a wash in warm soapy water before I return them. I am not making any financial gain from this story.
However, Taryn Prior is mine along with the many other original characters in this story.
This story is set directly after my previous story Expendable people. A couple of chapters are a little more raunchy than my previous effort, but nothing you would call hardcore. More Fifty Shades of Barclay with all the seriousness you'd expect from our vanilla hero. It is rated Mature not only as it has adult themes but it also contains issues of mental angst, torment and suicide, although I have gone to lengths not to glorify these issues.
I'm planning to do a couple of short stories later on that feature the adventures and activities of other characters. It should make sense as the story progresses that I really didn't want to go off on a tangent within this story.
I am aware of the series of licensed books that cover the same ground as this story, but if you are a nerdy Trekker like me with a lot of time on your hands you may also know there is historical information within the Star Trek Online MMRPG and the graphic novel, Countdown which launched the Movie reboot, all of which contains conflicts in plot and timeline. I have also frequently used the websites Memory Alpha and Memory Beta in researching this story, they've been invaluable. In the formation of this story I have drawn inspiration from all these sources and therefore I have had to take some liberties including diabolical ones in terms of timeline. I have also made some changes purely because I felt like it. Call it artistic licence. I'm aware these additional sources are not considered canon per se, if you consider them canon, then this story is AU.
I haven't supplied any references for the episodes or movies used as sources in the story, but if you'd like to know where I got something from, drop me a line and I'll do my best to answer.
Finally, this story is complete and novel length rather than a WIP so expect regular updates. Each chapter is at least 4000 words so you should get a big chunk of plot each update at least.
And yes, I'm still an anal geek.
Hope you enjoy it.
Prologue
Veridian III
9 years ago
Lieutenant Barclay couldn't believe he had forgotten it as he clambered over the wreckage to get to his quarters. He was under orders to take care of it and he almost left it in the wreckage of what had been the Enterprise D, his home. The door to his quarters were stuck open but that hadn't happened in the crash. The mechanism had lost power, Reg had struggled to open the door with an opener but the servos were fused. He was about to cut it open with a phaser when Data happened to walk past and managed to force the doors apart. It was easy to forget just how strong Data was, he seemed so unassuming and gentle.
"Come on Reg, the shuttlecraft is ready to dust off." Geordi complained over his communicator. "This had better be something important. We're all sat waiting!"
"I just need another minute or so to find it Commander." Reg replied as he entered his quarters. His belongings were all gone, packed up for shipping back to Earth. There were rumours that the new Sovereign-class starship nearing completion at the San Francisco Fleet Yard was going to be the Enterprise E, but nothing was certain. No one knew if they would be reassigned to other ships, other posts. Geordi had assured him as long as he was Chief Engineer of any ship or anywhere else he had a place for him on his team. He said his quirky lateral thought processes set him out of step with everyone else but that just meant he caught what others would miss. He was still edgy though, he was never comfortable in new environments as his debilitating shyness made it hard to settle in. Counsellor Troi was frequently reminding him that not all change was bad. He wasn't in therapy any more but she still checked up on him from time to time to make sure he wasn't relapsing or getting overwhelmed with anxiety. He felt comforted that she was keeping an eye on him. The crush he had on her was an issue at first but he soon realised he needed her as a therapist, not the Goddess of Empathy. Besides all practising psychologists have to deal with patients developing feelings for them, it's called transference, although it usually happens during therapy, not on a holodeck before it starts.
He reached the storage compartment set into the wall and went to key in his access code but he stopped, it was already unlocked. That was weird. He only used it to store one thing and hadn't opened it in two years. Perhaps the crash caused the lock to malfunction, they'd found some strange faults with a number of systems since the crash. He opened it with a press of the keypad and grabbed the yellow cube sitting in its enhancement module from the alcove. Meeting Moriarty and the Countess had given him ideas, dangerous ideas. They seemed so happy and in love, desperate to be together. He'd been in love but it had always been unrequited. He'd started to think that maybe that was what was wrong with Program 9. She was just like the Dryad in the painting but she could never be real, alive, she could never genuinely love him back because she would always be a simulation and deep down he would always know that. Although normally his constructs became more real to him than anyone in the real world she never had for reasons he never quite understood, but then a lot of her parameters were based on guesswork. She was created from a two-dimensional image and he had to provide her with a voice, a personality and a rear view from his own imagination. She was based on an ideal that hung on a wall, not an actual person.
Then he had met a sentient hologram and found out that he had somehow managed to make his lover sentient too. He had said he didn't think it was a good idea, and he believed that. He wasn't opposed to artificial life, you couldn't work alongside Data and not develop respect for him as an individual but the idea of sentient holograms being able to pass that sentience along was a little scary. He put a lot of work into the holograms he created, he coded their subroutines with care to ensure they were stable both physically and behaviourally but he knew pretty much any idiot could come up with a hologram and from the sound of it Moriarty's consciousness had been spawned by a misspoken phrase. Sherlock Holmes' former nemesis was a dangerous man, but only because he was a living being and he wanted equal rights and freedoms to everyone else and had never actually injured anyone on the Enterprise. But he could easily have been the nefarious, ruthless criminal mastermind from the books. Potentially they could end up with a never-ending stream of rogue holograms taking over ships and facilities and he pitied the poor bastard that ended up dealing with that mess. None the less he was sorely tempted to gift his photonic Dryad with life, but then, there was no guarantee she would want him.
He knew the story of Pygmalion, a sculptor who carved a statue of a woman that was so realistic and perfect he fell in love with her only to pine as she could never truly be his. He often wondered if that was how the artist who painted the picture had felt. Was it based on a model, or from their imagination? Was Barclay in love with a woman who had been dead for nearly five centuries? Even if you looked past the complexion and the points on her ears it was hard to imagine a creature so perfect existing in the real world. In the myth Pygmalion made offerings to the Goddess Aphrodite for a bride that was the living likeness of the statue that had stolen his heart, although what he really craved was for his statue to be brought to life. He returned home and kissed his creation, only to find she turned to flesh and blood in his arms. Her name was Galatea. The Goddess had granted his wish.
The one thing preventing him from making his Galatea self-aware was his appallingly bad luck with women. He feared his tale would be closer to Mary Shelley's Frankenstein, with the bride intended for him to be in love with someone else. And yes, he realised that analogy put him in the role of the monster and not the creator. That was often how he felt. Separate, apart, derided although not so much since Commander La Forge had taken him under his wing and Counsellor Troi had helped him to socialise.
He kept the Picard Delta One simulation in his quarters to prevent someone else stumbling on it in engineering and getting curious, just as he had when he found Moriarty in protected memory and activated him. They couldn't keep their promise to bring them into the real world but they had done the next best thing, given them their freedom and the universe to explore in a virtual reality.
"Reg?" Geordi called again.
"I have it Commander." he replied.
"Stand by for beam out." Geordi said, clearly unwilling to wait for him to walk back to the shuttlecraft.
"Uh, ok." Reg said nervously. He didn't find transporting as terrifying as he used to, but it still gave him the jitters, especially with the transporters on shuttlecrafts, they weren't less reliable they were just smaller but they still gave him the heebie-jeebies. "Energise." He materialised in the back of the shuttlecraft and took his seat. "Sorry, I needed to retrieve this." he apologised as he sat and placed the unit on his lap.
"Good job you remembered it Reg, I forgot all about them." Geordi admitted. "Let's get off this planet."
Chapter 1
Reg turned and ran back towards the console as the man raised his tommy gun and opened fire. He vaulted over it haphazardly, landed heavily on his back on the panel and tumbled onto the floor in a hail of bullets.
"Who the hell are these guys?" Dan shouted, cowering behind the other console.
"I'm no expert on twentieth century history but think it might be Al Capone and an assortment of hoodlums," Reg replied, raising his voice over the gunfire, "and if I had to guess I'd say the one beside you is Eliot Ness and the rest are treasury agents."
"At least the safety protocols are on." Dan stated and looked nervously at the treasury agent who was returning fire next to him.
"Actually, I don't think they are." Reg stated through gritted teeth as he tried to keep pressure on the wound in his thigh with his hand.
"Aw shit Reg, you're bleeding like a stuck pig."
"Really? I hadn't noticed!" Reg said acidly.
"Medical emer…"
"Belay that!" Reg ordered. "We can't let a medical team walk into the St Valentine's Day massacre or whatever this is supposed to be."
"No offence, but what the fuck are we going to do?" he cowered at the sound of a ricochet. "Wait for them to kill each other and you to bleed out?" he looked over at Reg. "Barclay, are you still with me?"
"I'm trying to think, hold on." he shouted over the noise. "Computer? End program."
"Is that the best you can come up with?" Dan bellowed.
"I'm not exactly on top form right now Dan." Barclay replied, sweat beading on his brow. He looked around and spotted something near Dan. "I have an idea, but you need to get over here."
"You've got to be kidding!" Dan exclaimed as bullets peppered the back of his console.
"That's an order Ensign!" At Dan's expression he said. "Okay, okay. Hold on. Computer, give me a phaser."
"Only contemporary weapons are supported by this program."
"Contemporary?" Reg rolled his eyes. "Okay give me a gun, a firearm. Loaded please." he added. He'd wondered how and why Taryn seemed to know so much about historical weaponry and now it was becoming apparent.
"Please state the make and model or weapon type."
"Oh for f… What's this program called?" Reg shouted.
"The Untouchables." Dan shouted back.
"Next time you see a program name like that take its advice and don't touch it Dan!" he bellowed hysterically. "A gun, a gun. Oh what is it called? She told me about this she said it was badass…A shotgun, computer give me a loaded pump-action shot gun."
"Would you like your weapon loaded with shot or slug ammunition?"
"I don't care! Just give me a gun!" Reg exclaimed despairingly and it appeared next to him on the floor. "Dan, I'm going to cover you. Get over here on my mark, okay. Three, two…" he turned painfully and leaned around the side of the console, "one, Mark." he fired three times at the gangsters, pumping to chamber a new cartridge between each shot and Capone ducked behind a holographic automobile as Dan commando rolled over to his console.
"Okay Boss, what's the plan?" Dan took off his jacket and ripped off the sleeve then tied it around the engineer's thigh as an improvised bandage.
"Are you a good shot?" Reg asked, pumping the rifle.
"I'm not bad with a phaser."
"This thing kicks like a horse, it's nothing like a phaser and I think I only have three more shots. I also haven't the first idea how to reload it so shall I do this?" Barclay asked.
"Do what?"
"Shoot the main power couple for the lab."
"That's gonna take out half the wall when it blows." Dan exclaimed.
"Why do you think I didn't want you sitting next to it?" Reg asked. "It'll shut down the hologrid and it's all I can come up with. Get behind me." he ordered and took aim…
…and missed. He chambered another round…
…and missed again.
"Shall I do this?" Dan asked stroppily.
"I'm getting my eye in, okay?" Reg shouted and pumped the rifle. "Relax, it's just like bullseyeing womp rats in my T-16."
"Taryn never should have shown you that damn movie." Dan hissed. "Like you needed to be a bigger nerd."
He took another shot, covered his face with his arm and rolled onto the floor face down as the power linkage exploded and the electroplasmic discharge lit up the room, filaments radiating out like lightning. Suddenly everything went dark. Reg lifted his head as the emergency lights came on filling the room with a red glow. Dan was coughing, the air was thick with dust and a hot smell of electrical burning. He was aware of someone standing over him and looked up to see his wife with her hands on her hips.
"I knew it was a mistake to put you two together. What the hell are you playing at?" She glared down at him. She was covered in thermocrete dust, as were they and had obviously been working in the lab next door.
"Hi Sweet-cheeks." Reg said weakly. "Could you teach me about guns again? I promise to listen this time." he managed to say before he passed out.
…
"I can't believe you managed to get shot your first day back at work." Taryn lectured, she was in full flow, really letting rip. "I warned you to make thorough checks before you activate any program and only activate one character at a time." The doctor at the Annex Medical Services shot Reg a sympathetic glance as he pulled the replicated bullet from his thigh with a probe. She was certainly giving her husband a coating. "What if you'd been killed?"
"I wasn't. I'm fine." he argued, looking nervously at the hole in his leg before it was patched up. It looked quite heroic, the kind of wound maidens would treat for a gallant knight and they would fall in love as she nursed him back to health. Fat chance of that, the mood she was in he'd be
lucky not to end up sleeping on the couch with the cat humping his face, certainly not the romantic evening he had planned. It happened whenever he dosed off there, why was a mystery and Ratio never did it to Taryn. She was right though, she warned them and this slip-up could have easily cost them both their lives.
"You could have bled to death." She scowled.
"I didn't. I'm fine." he stated. "How many times did you get hurt doing your job, especially when you first started?"
"That's beside the point. You aren't doing my job. You're supposed to be fixing holograms, determining if they're sentient or not, cataloguing them and securing them for transportation to Earth. Not playing policeman and getting plugged by Scarface."
"Eliot Ness was a treasury agent, not a policeman." Reg corrected and received a withering stare for his trouble.
"Oh that makes all the difference." she said archly.
"We got caught off guard. I was working on something else and Dan activated the holonovel and not the program in it. Next thing we knew it was 1920's Chicago and bullets were flying everywhere." Reg explained. "What kind of idiot made the program only able to use contemporary weapons and made you have to name them?"
"The kind of idiot that forgot to list Tommy gun as a weapon type and couldn't remember it was really called a Thompson sub-machine gun and in a moment of indecision got peppered all over a holodeck wall by his own historically inaccurate holonovel in front of his teenage kids." she stated and put her hand to her forehead. "These aren't all carefully crafted holographic constructs like the ones you make. Some of them are thrown together by people who I can only assume were sleepwalking at the time. Some have been hacked to the point of being totally unhinged and that's before they were butchered by Masters and Young." She took a shuddering breath and wrapped her arms around his shoulders. "You have to keep your eye on the ball, if something happened to you I don't know what I'd do." she sobbed.
He held her tight. "For a start, nothing is going to happen to me." He gazed into her eyes. "You are the strongest person I have ever met. You're like a consort battleship only breathtakingly beautiful so what you would do is be the best mother in the universe with or without me." he gently wiped the tears from her cheeks. "I'll be more careful I promise and I'll keep a closer eye on Dan the Man." He smiled. "Next time I'll use your protégé as a meat shield if it will make you happy."
"You'd better." She sniffed and prodded him in the chest with her finger. "By the way, if you ever call me Sweet-cheeks again I'll shoot you myself."
Communication Log – Lieutenant Commander Barclay, R.E. III – Stardate : 57338
To: Reginald E Barclay II
From: Lieutenant Commander Reginald E Barclay III – Daystrom Annex – Galor IV
Stardate: 57338.27
Subject: Big News!
Dear Dad,
Thank you for your letter. I know it must have been a shock hearing I was kidnapped, then listed as missing in action, I didn't know it was broadcast on subspace or they'd notified you or I'd have got in touch much earlier.
I know you're worried but I'm fine, better than fine in fact. I hope you're sitting down because I got married. Yes, really married to a real woman, not a hologram as everyone predicted. She's wonderful Dad, I can't wait for you to meet her. She just got a new job as a professor at the Daystrom Institute. She's beautiful, intelligent and way out of my league if I'm honest. Her name is Taryn. I'd send you her picture but you already have one. She looks just like the Dryad in your painting. I know it sounds impossible but just wait till you see her. I adore her Dad, and by some miracle she feels the same way about me and we just couldn't bear spending another second not being married. We had a quiet ceremony with close friends and a few drinks afterwards. She's more outgoing than I am but neither of us wanted the hoopla or fuss of a big wedding. We feel bad that you weren't there, none of her family were either and they'd like to meet you. She comes from something of a tribe, I've only met her father and her eldest brother so far. They seem to be good people, in fact her Dad grew up in Port Tennant, not far from where you are in Swansea Bay.
I can't really talk about the work here. There are security and classification issues but in the next few months things will be made public and I'll tell you all about it. It's fairly straightforward work, not particularly taxing or dangerous. I have an Ensign assigned to me at the moment, Dan, he thinks he's God's gift to women, you know the type, but he's bright, reliable and works like a trooper. Officially he's Taryn's research assistant but she's assigned him to my project to gain experience in holography.
The Enterprise should be back in Earth orbit in around three months, but we'll arrive three weeks later as we're going on our honeymoon. Risa – I know, not really my kind of place but it's a long story, I'll tell you all about it when I see you. Yes, I'll take plenty of sunscreen.
Thank you for asking after the cats, they're fine. Taryn's brother picked Neelix up and he's currently staying with Spot at her grandmother's home on the Hampshire/Wiltshire border somewhere and I'm getting regular progress reports. Spot will be leaving the family, her original owner has returned and will be taking her back. I can't say more than that here but I hope you understand what I mean and we're all delighted with the news although I'll miss her. Her vacancy has already been filled by a former stray that adopted Taryn two years ago. His name is Horatio Nelson, Ratio for short and he's had a tough life. He's a British Blue who lost an eye at some point, hence the name. He's quite a character and nervous around men he doesn't know, we think someone must have mistreated him but he's sweet once you get to know him.
In a bizarre twist of fate I ended up delivering a baby, Yves Rene Barclay Picard. 7lb 4oz, mother and baby well. I was really honoured that the Captain and Dr Crusher put the Barclay in there. To think in my graduating class at the Academy I was voted person most likely to ralph during a medical emergency!
One more thing, a picture for the family album. Yes, it's a holoscan of your grandchildren! Taryn is nine weeks along and so far all is well. The doctors here are keeping a close eye on her as she is mixed species as well as it being twins but aside from early pregnancy symptoms from three different species that aren't much fun for her she's really well. Their private parts have been blanked out because we asked not to know, they aren't hermaphroditic or anything like that. I think the one they labelled Twin B is going to be green like Mommy but Taryn says it's unlikely as it's too early to tell and the babies will only be an eighth Orion, they are an eighth Vulcan as well so we expect they'll have ear points too although they are unlikely to be very pronounced. When we first got involved our friend The Doctor told us we only had a 3% chance of conceiving naturally due to our combined genetics, although we could certainly have children with medical assistance, and we were taking precautions too so they are two tiny miracles. I'm really excited about becoming a dad, I can't wait.
Real time communication is limited to official business only at the moment but as soon as they lift the restriction we'll call and I'll introduce you to your new daughter-in-law.
Love you Dad.
Reg Cubed
PS
I know it's unlikely but if Mother gets in touch don't mention Taryn or the twins. I'm still trying to work out how to negotiate that hurdle. After the situation with Leosa and with Taryn being part Orion and green I don't think she'd approve. I'm proud of my wife but the last thing I want is her stressed out by one of Mother's hissy fits. I know you'll understand.
To: Commander Alicia Barclay – Office of the Inspector General – Starfleet Command
From: Lieutenant Commander Reginald E Barclay III – Daystrom Annex – Galor IV
Stardate: 57338.30
Subject: Apologies
Dear Mother,
I apologise for my tardiness in not corresponding with you sooner and for any embarrassment that my disappearance from the Daystrom Institute and my subsequent listing as MIA may have caused you. I will endeavour to be more careful in future and consider the effect my actions may have on your reputation as you stated in your letter of stardate 57331.
I have embarked upon a social relationship with a woman. She is a Professor at Daystrom, holds the rank of Lieutenant Commander in Starfleet and is the daughter of an Admiral. I hope you will find this acceptable in light of my previous relationships and the impact they had on your standing as a Commander in Starfleet.
I would like to take this opportunity to apologise once again for the issues my conduct as an officer has caused you in the past in terms of your career advancement.
Kind regards,
Reginald the Third.
To: Commander Peter Harkins – Starfleet Communications Division – Sol Sector
From: Lieutenant Commander Reginald E Barclay III – Daystrom Annex – Galor IV
Stardate: 57338.32
Subject: Big News!
Hi Pete,
You know that girl I've been bending your ear about for the last year? The AI specialist from the Daystrom Annex that you said I had a snowballs chance in hell of even getting a date with. Remember the speech? You wouldn't be much of a friend if you didn't give me a reality sandwich and nerdy engineers just don't end up in relationships with green women no matter how kind and lovely they are?
Well,
A. Married her.
B. Knocked her up with twins.
We're both blissfully happy and very much in love.
We're due back on Earth in 15 weeks so I'll probably pop in to the Comms Centre to catch up with you after that.
Give my regards to Angie.
Take care,
Reg.
To: Commander Deanna Troi – USS Titan
From: Lieutenant Commander Reginald E Barclay III – Daystrom Annex – Galor IV
Stardate: 57338.40
Subject: Finally catching up with correspondence
Deanna,
Finally got around to reading my post and only just read your letter saying I should gird my loins and ask Taryn out as the worst that could happen is she'd say no.
I had to laugh.
Can we please move tomorrows counselling session to later in the morning or the afternoon as The Doctor wants to see Taryn to clear her fitness wise for the Courts Martial next week? I'd like to go along so please let me know ASAP.
Also do you know if anyone on the Titan will lend her a dress uniform in a larger size as her Dad sent us ours and when she tried hers on it's a little too tight? We drew a blank over here and at the Annex and there isn't enough time to requisition one. Why don't they make them replicateable? It's ludicrous. They could at least do a maternity version that stretches. I'm sure a few Admirals would appreciate that for those banquets they're always 'forced' to attend!
Take care,
Reg
To: Inoti, C/o Suraya Bay Resort, Risa
From: Lieutenant Commander Reginald E Barclay III – Daystrom Annex – Galor IV
Stardate: 57338.43
Subject: Jamaharon
Dear Inoti,
Thank you for your continued correspondence and your kind offer to initiate me into the delights of the rite of Jamaharon on my forthcoming visit to Risa.
While your considerate invitation is gratefully received I have since embarked upon a committed relationship and will be unable to accept your most generous offer. I also wish to inform you that I will be unable to communicate any further with you in this matter.
I wish you well in all your future endeavours.
Regards,
R E Barclay
To: Warp & Weft Magazine
From: Lieutenant Commander Reginald E Barclay III – Daystrom Annex– Galor IV (Secondment)
Stardate: 57338.45
Subject: Cancellation of Subscription
Dear Sir, Madam or androgynous life-form.
Please accept this letter as notice to cancel my subscription to your special interest magazine and its sister publication, Linen Fetishists Monthly, effective immediately.
Yours faithfully,
R E Barclay III
To: Interstellar Adult Contacts
From: Lieutenant Commander Reginald E Barclay III – Daystrom Annex – Galor IV
Stardate: 57338.48
Subject: Removal of Advertisement
Dear Sir, Madam or androgynous life-form.
Further to my previous letter dated Stardate 57460 I would like to once again request the removal of the ad I recently placed on your contact service as I notice it is still listed.
The ad was placed while I was under an alien influence, namely Orion pheromones and I will happily pay any cancellation fee you feel is appropriate.
Yours faithfully,
R E Barclay III
To: Lieutenant Commander Reginald E Barclay III – Daystrom Annex – Galor IV
From: Commander Deanna Troi – USS Titan
Stardate: 57338.55
Subject: Re: Finally catching up with correspondence
Reg,
Not a problem. Is 1400 okay for you?
I'll ask around but I can't exactly walk up to someone and say "You look fat, will you lend my friend's pregnant wife your dress uniform please?" can I? It's not really compatible with my purview as ship's counsellor is it?
I sympathize though, last time I wore mine I had to cut out chocolate sundaes for two weeks and double my time at the gym to get it on. They should certainly make them replicateable and/or stretchy in my opinion. Shall we start a petition?
Deanna.
To: Lieutenant Commander Reginald E Barclay III – Daystrom Annex – Galor IV
From: Interstellar Adult Contacts
Stardate: 57338,63
Subject: Re: Removal of Advertisement
-Message patched via universal translator-
To woo it ma concurn,
Tank yoo fur de leetr
W cunt rmve d ad az yoo haz nt replid te de 3 repls.
Plz rpl te de rpls ond ve wl rmve ad.
Tanks
To: Lieutenant Commander Reginald E Barclay III – Daystrom Annex – Galor IV
From: Commander Alicia Barclay – Office of the Inspector General – Starfleet Command
Stardate: 57338.71
Subject: Re: Apologies
Reginald the Third,
Considering it was all over subspace news that you were shamefully dragged from the Daystrom Institute in the company of Lieutenant Commander Taryn Prior, daughter of the Judge Advocate General who was also on secondment there at the time it wasn't particularly taxing to work out who the woman is you are currently associating with. Do I need to point out to you where I work Reginald?
I urge you to sever all ties with this woman. She is from a highly regarded family and you would be ill advised to continue a relationship that is doomed to fail as soon as her father becomes aware of your medical history and service record.
Think of the scandal Reginald, not only in terms of your family but hers.
Commander Alicia Barclay
To: Commander Alicia Barclay – Office of the Inspector General – Starfleet Command
From: Starfleet Communications Centre – Sol Sector
Stardate: 57338.72
Subject: Re: Re: Apologies
-Automated reply-
Due to operational constraints Lieutenant Commander Reginald E Barclay III is unable to reply to your communique.
To: Lieutenant Commander Reginald E Barclay III – Daystrom Annex – Galor IV, Lieutenant Commander Taryn B Barclay – Daystrom Annex – Galor IV
From: Admiral Iestyn P Prior – Judge Advocate General – Starfleet Command.
Stardate: 57338.71
Subject: Heads up kids.
Number One Daughter and Spouse,
I just received a strongly worded communique from a Commander Alicia Barclay requesting that I take part in an intervention to put an end to the relationship between the two of you 'before it becomes serious or sexual' as her son has 'weak impulse control' and 'poor judgement' and does not wish my daughter's 'reputation to be sullied by the loss of her virginity' or the situation leading to you 'having to marry'.
You might want to have a word Reg? All I told her was there aren't enough hours in the day for me to involve myself in my children's relationships to that degree and that I had met you, know your full history and have no problem with you being involved with my daughter.
I'm already heading for the eighth circle of hell with the rest of the lawyers so a little fib about your marital status can't really hurt my immortal soul I suppose. But she might start to suspect something in a few months' time if she calls you and hears the ankle-biters in the background?
Stop laughing Taryn.
Love Dad.
PS
Thank you for the copy of the scan image Tazzie. Your Mum, Bronny and Nye literally squealed when they saw it. I know it's too early to tell but Twin B looks a little green to me?
PPS
A wedding reception when you return to Earth is non-negotiable and that's final.
To: Commander Deanna Troi – USS Titan
From: Lieutenant Commander Reginald E Barclay III – Daystrom Annex – Galor IV
Stardate: 57338.72
Subject: Re: Re: Finally catching up with correspondence
Deanna,
1400 is perfect, thank you.
I have the utmost faith in your ability to broach the topic tactfully Deanna. You are an accomplished diplomat after all.
I'm sure both Starfleet and the Federation appreciated the sacrifice you made, although I find it hard to believe it was necessary. Perhaps your dress uniform shrank between official engagements?
Mine seems to have got bigger, either that or I've lost a few pounds. I thought newlyweds and prospective fathers were supposed to gain weight, not the other way around.
Reg.
To: Interstellar Adult Contacts
From: Lieutenant Commander Reginald E Barclay III – Daystrom Annex – Galor IV
Stardate: 57338.73
Subject: Re: Re: Removal of Advertisement
Dear Sir, Madam or androgynous life-form.
As I stated in my first letter it is inappropriate for me to respond to the three replies as the advertisement was placed in error. I have no desire to receive manual sex from a being of the Deltan persuasion and do not wish my name and contact details to be distributed to those who replied.
I ask again, please remove the advertisement from the listing. I am more than happy to pay the six latinum slip cancelation charge that is stated in your terms of service.
Yours faithfully,
R E Barclay III
To: Lieutenant Commander Reginald E Barclay III – Daystrom Annex – Galor IV
From: Commander Peter Harkins – Starfleet Communications Division - Sol Sector
Stardate: 57338.73
Subject: Re: Big News!
Dear Reg,
While I'm really happy to hear your news please, please tell me you didn't drug this girl or use some kind of holographic trickery to have your way with her, followed by a shotgun wedding organised by her father? I know you've been fixated on her for some time and you can get a little blinkered when you have a bee in your bonnet about something.
Angie is furious with you.
A. She still harboured the ludicrous idea that you would get back together with her sister Hope and she'd have you as a brother-in-law.
B. You deprived her of the chance to get a new hat for your wedding.
C. You married someone without her getting a chance to vet her suitability.
D. She's a woman.
I have been asked, nay instructed to invite you both to dinner once you get back.
Looking forward to seeing you soon.
Pete
PS
Admiral Paris keeps asking how much longer your secondment to Daystrom is going to last. What should I tell him?
PPS
TWINS! I had no idea you had it in you Barclay! Congratulations to you both. Angie has already started knitting.
To: Commander Peter Harkins – Starfleet Communications Division - Sol Sector
From: Lieutenant Commander Reginald E Barclay III – Daystrom Annex – Galor IV
Stardate: 57338.74
Subject: Re: Re: Big News!
Dear Pete,
Pete! How could you suggest such a thing? It may be hard to believe but it turned out she had a crush on me too. If anything she drugged me with her pheromones, not that I'm complaining you understand.
Please apologise to Angie for me.
A. I'm touched, but I'm afraid that was never going to happen. You know I had my reasons for ending things with Hope.
B. Taryn's family are campaigning for us to have a reception of some sort so she may still get the chance to wear a new hat. We'll send you an invite when we set the date.
C. I've appended Taryn's career profile and picture for retrospective approval, but I promise you she's extremely suitable.
D. As a married man I'm now qualified to say…no comment.
We'd both love to join you for dinner. She's looking forward to meeting you both.
As for the Admiral, he'll need to speak to Admiral Maddox. So far I've got the mobile emitter up to five reliable minutes and five more with a fifty percent chance of total matrix loss but he wants me to keep working on it after I'm done with this Annex stuff. I'm not sure I can do much more on it though, not without a major technological breakthrough to be honest. As we suspected 500 years is just too long in terms of advancement.
Take care.
Reg.
PS
I used my access code to bounce a communique from my mother back to her. If she calls tell her my mission classification got upgraded and I'm incommunicado. Please don't mention the wedding or the babies? I owe you one.
To: Lieutenant Commander Reginald E Barclay III – Daystrom Annex – Galor IV
From: Commander Deanna Troi – USS Titan
Stardate: 57338.75
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Finally catching up with correspondence
It seems I'm not the only diplomat you silver tongued devil! No amount of flattery will make me go easier on you in our counselling session, but as always it's gratefully received.
I thought you were looking a little svelte the other day and I hate you Mr Barclay, I gained ten pounds after my wedding and I'm still trying to lose it a year later.
See you tomorrow at 1400.
Deanna.
To: Admiral Iestyn P Prior – Judge Advocate General – Starfleet Command.
From: Lieutenant Commander Reginald E Barclay III – Daystrom Annex – Galor IV,
Stardate: 57338.75
Subject: Re: Heads up kids.
Iestyn,
I can't apologise enough.I'd like to tell you this is unusual behaviour for her but frankly she does it all the time.I'm formulating a response at the moment but I may need legal advice not to mention hard liquor to get through it.
Can you divorce a parent when you're an adult?
I agree, I think Baby B looks green but your daughter is in denial about it. I think she's worried if they turn out green they'll have a hard time.I just want them to be healthy and I'd love for them to be as much like her as possible.
I know you said I could get in touch if I had any questions or worries. I'm a little concerned that no one is willing to give us a due date. I know we're dealing with three different species and three different gestation periods but The Doctor said multiple births don't usually go full term and we don't even know what full term is. All the medical staff just tell me I need to be patient and they may know more as things progress but we're stuck here for maybe half this pregnancy and we need to house hunt when we get back and I'd like to get her moved and settled in in good time.
Again, sorry about my mother.
Reg.
To: Lieutenant Commander Reginald E Barclay III – Daystrom Annex – Galor IV
From: Commander Peter Harkins – Starfleet Communications Division - Sol Sector
Stardate: 57338.76
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Big News!
Reg,
Not again. For the love of Mike Reg, last time you bounced her mail I was 'randomly' audited by the Office of the Inspector General. You owe me a lot more than one.
Don't you think as a married, soon to be father or two you should finally stand up to your mother?
On second thoughts having met the woman avoidance is probably your best tactic.
Pete.
To: Lieutenant Commander Reginald E Barclay III – Daystrom Annex – Galor IV
From: Reginald E Barclay II
Stardate: 57338.77
Subject: Re: Big News!
Dear Reggie,
I'm so happy for you and I hope this letter finds you both well. I've been doing my homework. I assumed as Taryn isn't that common a name and a certain Taryn Prior was abducted at the same time as you that she might be the lady in question. I'm impressed with her body of published work and not at all surprised Daystrom have snapped her up. A Daystrom and Academy Graduate as well, just like my clever son. What subject will she be teaching? Cybernetics I assume.
Great to hear Spot's former owner is okay but it gives me a headache. My current commission is his biography.
I found something else in my research, a lecture she gave a few years back. It was funny and insightful, I look forward to debating Kirk's influence on the Federation with her at some point. When you mentioned the painting I was expecting a passing resemblance, a similarity of type but, dear God it's uncanny! Disturbingly so.
Come on Kiddo, tell me more? Did you meet her when you were kidnapped together? Did you already know her? How long? Throw me a bone, I'm a lonely old fart and I can't live vicariously if you don't give me details and plenty of them.
Is she a cat lover or a cat tolerator seeing as you said she was adopted by Ratio not the other way around? Sounds like he's not your average stray if he's a British Blue, surely someone is missing him?
I appear to have an admirer, actually stalker would be a more appropriate term. One of the local busybodies keeps trying to get me involved in her amateur production of Calamity Jane. She literally accosted me in the street with a bullwhip in her hand the other day and made a sexual overture. The woman, Mrs Prewitt, is like Mussolini in a tweed skirt, she terrifies me. I opened the blinds in the lounge the other morning and she was washing my windows! Says I need a woman's touch and kept singing the damn song and she's utterly tone deaf. It was awful, not to mention I had to do have the damn windows resurfaced as whatever she used interacted with the self-cleaning process. I might stay at your place for a few days and lie low if that's okay? I really need to get away from her, I only worry that San Francisco isn't far enough. How's Galor IV this time of year?"
Give my love to my Grandbaby-Momma and keep some for yourself.
Dad.
PS
I wish I could advise you on broaching difficult subjects with your mother. I certainly never found a way to do it. Maybe telling her she's the daughter of the Judge Advocate General will impress her?
To: Reginald E Barclay II
From: Lieutenant Commander Reginald E Barclay III – Daystrom Annex – Galor IV
Stardate: 57338.79
Subject: Re: Big News!
Dear Dad,
You don't know the half of it Dad, she got her first Masters in Cybernetics by eighteen and then went to the Academy and graduated with honours in Exobiology and Engineering. She served as Ops Officer on the USS Faraday for three years and got poached by the Annex. Then she took another Master's in Psychosocial Sciences and is about to submit the proposal for her doctoral thesis. She puts it down to her sleeping like a Vulcan (when she isn't expecting it seems) and having extra time on her hands. Much of her work at the Annex has been classified up until now but she basically specialised in the social, cognitive and psychological aspects of artificial and inorganic life. They've made her Professor of Inorganic Life Studies and she's just finished the first draft of her curriculum. The great thing about this new job is she can farm out individual modules to other lecturers at Daystrom to form a cross-disciplinary team and cut down her hours when the babies come. She doesn't want to give up work entirely but she doesn't want them in daycare all the time. I'm hoping to be as involved as I can of course, I certainly don't plan to do as much overtime and I'll try and negotiate reduced hours while the twins are little.
As for how we met, I wrote to her two years ago when she was assessing The Doctor's application for citizenship with a character reference. He went from 'they're sending some iron-fisted bitch from the Annex apparently' to 'you have to meet her, she's delightful Reg' in the space of an hour long meeting and tried to set us up while she was visiting Earth. Of course, being me I was evasive. I first saw her a year ago, I was installing a matrix scanner on a ship she was assigned to command briefly. Of course I nearly keeled over from shock at the sight of her, was instantly smitten and didn't have a clue who she was or that she was a friend of The Doctor but I soon found out. Again, being me I dithered for a year trying to work out how to ask her out, stammering every other word I said to her, of course most of that time she was on Galor IV or on assignment Lord knows where but she was at Daystrom on secondment for a few weeks before we got kidnapped and the week before I helped out at the lab she was working in. It gets a bit complicated and The Doctor, Geordi and Spot's former owner (sorry about the commission, I might be able to broker an interview with him though if that helps?) played a big part, but basically I found out she felt the same way while we were heading out here. I still have trouble believing it with my luck.
I wouldn't say she's a cat lover but she seems to love all animals cat's included. She sent out regular bulletins asking if anyone was missing him when Ratio first moved in but no one ever responded. He was a notorious local rapist for years before she was posted here and she'd seen him around but when he took up residence he was in a pretty bad way. His empty eye socket had got infected and he needed surgery to resect it. He looks like a gangster or a pirate rather than a pampered pedigree moggy but they did a neat job of it and he's otherwise healthy aside from a bit of a depth perception issue. Of course she got him fixed at the same time as she expected him to move out as suddenly as he moved in but he stuck around, can't say I blame him really.
You're more than welcome to use my place while I'm away although as Taryn's brother Haydn collected Neelix and he has a 'unique' sense of humour she has advised me to clean the toilet thoroughly before I use it and destroy anything I use for cleaning my teeth but she refuses to elaborate on that. It probably means I'd be happier not knowing so be warned. You could do me a favour and scout for a bigger place for us while you're there? Three beds and a yard would be ideal.
The climate is lovely here. The temperature ranges between 576 and -101 kelvin during the course of a solar day and the atmosphere is 37% chlorine, 24% methane, 20% fluorine, 14% nitrogen, 5% liquid neon and we have frequent ion storms. It's a little more clement in the Habitat Dome and the Annex itself of course but we're currently billeted on the Enterprise.
To be honest Dad, even if we were allowed to have visitors this is the last place you would ever want to visit. We hate it here and if Taryn didn't still have work to do we'd be on the first thing with warp drive out of this system. If it wasn't for her and the fact I have friends around I would flip my lid. As I said, I'll tell you more when I'm allowed to, but this place is as toxic as the planet surface.
Taryn did make a suggestion for a way to avoid Calamity Il Duce. Her Grandma owns an equestrian place, they sometimes have last minute places free for pony trekking weekends and holidays and you could check in on Neelix for me. Her name is Myfanwy Prior and the place is called Miffy's Meadow Riding School and Stables. She's says they get a lot of more 'experienced' or 'seasoned' riders so you won't be the only old fart there. You might actually enjoy getting out from behind your terminal and getting some fresh air and exercise for a change.
I tried breaking it to Mother in stages saying I'd met a woman, you know the drill but she worked out who Taryn was just like you did and wrote to her dad to intervene before our relationship gets 'serious or sexual' as I'll be such a such a huge embarrassment to the Prior family name, and she'd hate for us to have to get married so it backfired basically, of course I got the usual snotty letter too. I might just lay it all out and let her do her worst. Maybe she'll disown me and I won't have to put up with her crap anymore. It's not like I'd want her anywhere near my kids. Luckily Iestyn saw the funny side and even told her he was happy I was 'involved with' his daughter. Taryn has a twin brother so he said if I have any questions on twins to just ask. He's been great, he and everyone here really supported Taryn while I was missing and I'm so grateful. I didn't even find out we were expecting until after I was rescued, it was quite a shock but a wonderful one.
Lots of love from both of us.
Reg Cubed
End of communication log
Another Author's note.
I don't own Star Wars, or The Untouchables. Reg's reference to 'Consort Battleship' was a quote from My Fair Lady, a film adaptation of a musical by Lerner and Loewe, based on the play Pygmalion by George Bernard Shaw.
Apologies, I was devastated to find I couldn't do superscript on this site so wanted the Reg cubed signature on the letters to Reg squared to be the symbol but sadly was denied.
I'm also aware it's a little far fetched for Starfleet communiques to look like dodgy e-mails but I hope you were able to suspend disbelief with me. Further post will pop up from time to time but is by no means the entire style of this fiction.