Secrets and Desires

1st in Series

Author: Lolly4Holly

Pairings: Nick and Greg pre slash

Contains: M-Preg, M/M slash, Heart Break

Summary: Trying to make a long lasting romantic relationship with a work colleague is never easy, especially one who is a sexually repressed, hot head, who only seems to think of himself. He should just give up and find someone who actually wants to be with him, but Greg likes a challenge...

Author's Note: Hi guys, this story has been in the works for a while now. I've finally completed it and I'm going to start to upload a new chapter hopefully once a week, after I've read and corrected it. Currently there are 20 chapters to this story, but I'm already working on a sequel. I don't want to give you too many spoilers, but I will have to state that this is an eventual M-preg. Not for a long time yet, but please be patient. Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoy it. Please remember to leave me a review if you did. Thank you!

~ Holly

Chapter One - Hot Head

"What the hell do you think you're doin'?"

Despite the angry tone in the older man's voice, listening to him shook Greg in an unexpected way. He felt as though the whole lab had suddenly come to a standstill and they were the only two people alive. Even the anger in his delicious Texan voice made his spine tingle, touching his soul in ways no other man had. He looked like an angel. He had been quite short tempered and rude over the past few weeks, making him appear more like an archangel, but he was still the most beautiful man alive.

Warrick had warned him less than an hour ago that he was on the war path. He didn't know exactly how much trouble he would be in, until the Texan finally tracked him down to the break room. He didn't realise that he was still pouring himself a coffee, until the hot liquid pooled over the surface of his mug, scolding his fingers.

"Ow."

"We worked this case together." Nick presented him with the report he had found. "You completely took all the credit for it. You even closed it without tellin' me, now Grissom wants to send you on some conference. I knew you were selfish, Greg. I just never realised that you would do somethin' like this."

"I..." Greg tried to find the words to explain himself, but none of it made sense anymore. The truth was that Nick was nowhere to be seen during the last leg of their case. He ditched him for something more important to do, so he was forced to work the rest of the case alone. He couldn't very well sign Nick's name on the report when he closed it as that would have been illegal, so he didn't have any other choice but to close it himself.

"You sold me out, Greg." The disappointment on his face made Greg angry.

"I sold 'you' out?" He frowned at the older man. "You ditched me. I've only been a field CSI for the past six months. 'You' abandoned the case. 'You' jeopardised the whole thing for some personal matter that you won't even tell me about and you expect me to give you credit when all you did was process the primary crime scene with me. You don't deserve to go the conference."

"I don't deserve it?" Nick felt even more offended, giving the younger man a hard shove against the counter behind him. "You're not even a real CSI. You failed, remember. You're a joke."

Greg felt his heart pounding as Nick leant closer. He was close enough to smell the apple scented gel he used in his hair. So close that he could almost picture what it would be like to kiss him. But he could still feel his angry glare looking right through him. If only he could get out those three little words and tell him exactly how he felt about him. He might beat him to a bloody pulp or you never know, he might even share his feelings.

Deep... deep down.

He inhaled a deep breath, looking into the perfect chocolate brown eyes in front of him. "Says the CSI who takes personal time right in the middle of an important case. You didn't just let yourself down, Nick. You let down our victim." He felt his heart frantically racing as soon as he got the words out, worrying that the older man was going to hit him harder this time.

Nick stared him down for a little while longer, before he turned on his heels to leave.

"At least I don't sell out my friends." The Texan called back to him, shoving a lab technician out of his way.

The tech glared back at Nick, keeping out of his way as he stormed past him. "What's his deal?" He turned to look at the receptionist.

"I have no idea."

Greg rubbed his bruised hip as the hot headed Texan disappeared down the hallway, wondering when exactly would be a good time to tell him that he adored everything about him. He should probably wait until after the conference, when he would finally start to cool down a little, but the Texan could stay mad for a very long time.

So he could be waiting a lot longer than he wanted to.

Storming towards the parking lot of the lab, Nick tried to calm himself with a few deep breaths, but it wouldn't work this time. He turned towards his truck at the end, stopping beside one of the concrete support blocks. He knew it would hurt like hell, but it was the only way he knew how to release tension. His fist slammed straight into the concrete, practically shattering his knuckles back into his hand.

Despite the pain in his hand, he did it again and again, but it didn't make him feel any better.

"Hey, Nick. Nick! Nicky, stop. Stop it." His best friend struggled to restrain his arms at his sides, trying to stop him from hurting himself further. He could see the blood on the concrete block, worrying that he had broken something as the younger man flinched back from the restraint. "What the hell are you doing, man?"

"Get off me, Warrick." Nick pulled out of his arms, leaning against the concrete block with his arm cradled against his chest.

"Whatever it is, it ain't worth breaking your frigging hand over." He tried to turn him to inspect the damage, but he stubbornly pulled away from him.

"How would you know?"

"Don't be an idiot, Nick. You're bleeding." Warrick grabbed his arm this time, pulling it towards him to take a look. He couldn't tell if anything was broken with all the blood, but he thought it was better to be safe than sorry. "C'mon, I'll drive you to the emergency room. Get them to take a look at that hand."

Not taking no for an answer, he practically dragged the man over to his car, getting him into the passenger seat. He turned off his radio before he started up the car, taking off towards the hospital. He wanted to ask him what was going on in that head of his, but he didn't think he was ready yet.

The emergency room was practically empty, very unusual for a Friday night, but it meant that Nick could get his hand seen to within no time at all. He refused any treatment at first, but with some persuasion from his best friend, he reluctantly got his hand x-rayed. He was relieved to find out that he didn't have any broken bones, meaning he could get out of there quicker.

"Hold up, one sec." Warrick caught up to him outside of the hospital. "Nick, just talk to me for a moment. How do I know you're not gonna go back home and do the same thing to your other hand? You can't bottle stuff up like this." He grabbed hold of his good arm, stopping him from walking any further. "What's going on, man? You haven't been yourself for weeks."

"Greg..."

"It can't be all about what Greg did. That was yesterday, you've been off with everyone for weeks. I agree that Greg had it coming, but he's not the source of all of this anger you've got going on. What's going on?"

Giving out a sigh, Nick dropped to one of the benches near the taxi bay, ignoring the stench of stale cigarettes invading his nostrils. He cradled his sore hand against his chest, looking at the dried blood on his knuckles. He looked as though he wanted to say something, but he didn't quite know how to get the words out.

"Look whatever it is, Nick." Warrick took a seat beside him. "You can tell me. You don't have to go through whatever it is alone."

Nick remained silent for the longest time, starting to make Warrick lose his patience. He listened to the conversations of the paramedics behind him to pass the time, overhearing a doctor's instructions at the door, followed by the frantic yelling of a nurse from the blood loss.

"Nick, c'mon man."

"Do you remember, Grace?" The Texan finally spoke, leaning back against the rotting surface of the bench. "The girl I hooked up with at the end of last year. The red head waitress I met durin' that celebration dinner thing we had for Greg, passin' his CSI field exam. Barely." He tried to jog the man's memory. "Well she contacted me last month. She's pregnant... with my baby." He added, just in case that wasn't obvious to him.

"Pregnant." Warrick whistled, folding his arms across his chest. "What are you gonna do?"

"There's nothin' I can do." Nick tried to scratch off the dried blood from his hand. "The baby was born premature a few weeks ago. Twenty nine weeks gestation. A girl. One pound exactly. She's really tiny. She had an operation on her heart last week. It's why I skipped out on the case... and Greg. I'm not ready to be a Dad. I don't even know if I can love her. I only just found out about her."

"You're a Dad?" He smiled at the man beside him. "I thought you always kinda wanted to be a father."

"Yeah. But not like this. My first four weeks as a father, I've just been rushin' up the hospital every time there's a problem with her. I've got my Dad tellin' me to get a DNA test on this kid before I commit to anythin'. He thinks this woman is tryin' to saddle me with a sick kid that isn't even my own. My Mama thinks we should tell the doctors not to intervene any further and just let her die. And Grace, she wants to give her up for adoption. She keeps sayin' she's not ready to have a kid in her life, especially a sick one that's gonna weigh her down. What am I supposed to say to any of that?" He finally let it all out, giving out a heavy sigh. "She doesn't even have a name yet and everyone's already decidin' her fate."

Warrick saw the frustration on his face, realising what he had been dealing with over the past few weeks. "What do you want for her? C'mon, you should have a say. You're her father."

"I don't feel like her father." He jumped as his phone vibrated against his hip, struggling to pull his cell out with his other hand. "That's the hospital. I gotta go." He climbed to his feet, making his way back through the front doors of the hospital. He followed the familiar route towards the neonatal unit, standing at the doors a moment to watch the various doctors and nurses making their way in and out the double doors. He wasn't sure what he wanted. He knew he couldn't just let her die alone.

He may not love her like a father should yet, but he wasn't a monster.

"Want me to go in with you?" Warrick appeared beside him. "I'm not saying I'm gonna hold your hand or anything." He gave him a slight smile. "But I'm here for you. I meant it, you don't have to go through this alone."

"Thanks." Nick kept his focus on the doors, sucking in a sharp breath, before he took a step forwards. He made his way towards the front desk with Warrick at his side, catching the attention of the nurse he had been dealing with over the past few days. "How is she? What happened?"

"Oh, we weren't expecting you for a while yet, Mr Stokes. Follow me." She grabbed a file off her desk, ushering him towards another set of double doors. "We were just going to let you know that her infection has cleared up. The doctors will come and find you later to tell you more, but it seems like she's out of the woods for the moment. Is your friend coming in?" She paused outside the doors with the disinfectant hand wash, looking at Warrick beside him.

Warrick glanced at the younger man beside him, before he gave her a nod. "Sure, just for a few minutes." He rubbed the sticky disinfectant between his hands, reaching for Nick's good hand to help him out. He couldn't exactly rub it between his fingers with just the one hand, making him grateful for the company. "Which one is she?"

Nick followed the nurse towards the end of the room, stopping at one of the incubator's with the familiar looking baby inside. She was so tiny, but she was barely visible under the various tubes and wires covering her little body. He couldn't even see what she looked like because of the tape and breathing mask covering her face. He stepped up beside the incubator to take a look at her, looking for signs of life. Her tiny little fingers at her side twitched every so often, but she was so still it scared him a little. He wanted to reach out for her to wake her up, but the incubator was in the way and he wasn't allowed to open it for fear of further infection.

"She is tiny. She's barely as big as my hand." Warrick noticed her little legs the size of toothpicks, sticking out from beneath the huge diaper. "She looks kinda like you." He confessed, getting a peak at her features and the thick brown hair she had on her head. "I'm serious. She's a miniature you."

Nick gave him a slight smile, tilting his head to the side to try and see what Warrick saw. "I never knew how people could tell that. Babies all look the same."

"Babies don't look the same." Warrick chuckled softly. "She has your brow. Your hair. Those lips look pretty familiar too. Have you thought of any names for her?"

"Not really." He shrugged his shoulders together. "I don't know how you're supposed to name someone you've just met and don't know anythin' about. What if I pick somethin' that doesn't fit her?"

"Our parents probably figured the same thing when we were little. My Grandma chose my name, because my parents kept going back and forth between their decisions. What kinda names do you like?"

"I don't know." He placed his good hand on top of the incubator, looking down at his little girl. "My Grandma's name was Sadie. Her middle name was Ariel." He remembered the kind old lady from his childhood who always baked cinnamon cookies and first taught him how to play poker. She took care of him a lot while his parents were working, quickly becoming his best friend until she was taken away from him so abruptly.

"Like the mermaid?"

"Yeah, like the mermaid." He smiled back at his best friend. "My Grandma was named after the Shakespeare, Ariel though. Not the little mermaid. My great grandparents didn't agree on usin' it as her first name, so they settled for Ariel as her middle name."

"You could name her after your Grandmother then. Ariel or Sadie, that's cute. I don't think I've ever known a Sadie before." Warrick bent down to examine her little features, smiling at Nick on the other side. "Sadie would kinda suit her. Plus she's got big eyes, super long eyelashes, so she needs a girly name. And it will have more meaning to you than any other name you pick. Is that a birth mark on her leg?"

"Yeah... it's a little heart shape." Nick had spent most of his time at the hospital examining the fragile little being inside the incubator. He practically knew every part of her now, but he had no idea what her cries sounded like or the colour of her eyes. She had barely opened them over the past few weeks and her cries were limited by the tube down her throat to help her breathe. "I guess it kinda suits her."

"Do you have to run it by..." Warrick's mind went blank as he tried to think of the woman's name. He was about to say, Michelle, but that was over three years ago now. "The mother?" He simply stated, getting a smile out of the younger man.

"Grace." He reminded him. "No, she hasn't been by since the first week. I told you she doesn't wonna deal with a sick kid. She hasn't gone back to work yet though. She's stayin' with her Mom in Connecticut."

"She went home?" Warrick straightened up, cocking an eyebrow in the other man's direction. "And left her baby here." He couldn't believe that someone would do that, especially a new mother.

Nick shrugged his shoulders together, scratching his sore hand as it started to itch. "She was here with her for the first few days. It really upset her that she couldn't hold her."

"Don't make excuses for her, Nicky. She's run off back home and ditched the kid with you. She's your responsibility now. She's your little Stokes baby. Your baby Sadie. Or Ariel. Whatever you decide." He turned his wrist to look at the time, motioning over his shoulder towards the door. "I should head back to the lab before they notice I'm gone. I'm working a case with Catherine, so she's bound to notice I'm gone sooner or later. You gonna be alright here by yourself?"

"Yeah." The Texan gave him a nod, watching his daughter's fingers curling ever so slightly into her palm. "I'm not really by myself anymore." He waved his buddy off, keeping a close eye on his little girl as she slept. "Sadie." He thought it over, while he watched her. Her fingers twitched slightly when he mentioned it, putting a smile on his face. He glanced up as he caught the nurse staring him, stepping aside to let her through. "What's that for?"

"Oh it's her feed. She can't suckle yet, so it has to go through a feeding tube to her stomach." The woman explained, stepping around him to set it up. "Did they tell you that you can touch her today?" She popped open one of the side doors to the incubator, giving him a smile. "Her skin is still really fragile, but she's over her infection, so you can touch her if you want. Her stitches are all cleared up, so there's no risk of further infection."

Nick anxiously bit his bottom lip, looking through the open circular door at the delicate little baby inside. He wanted to so she would know that she wasn't completely alone in the world, but he didn't want to hurt her.

"What happened to your hand?" She noticed him cradling it against his chest.

"Oh..." He glanced back at the bandage wrapped tightly around his sore knuckles, starting to make them feel a lot worse. "It's a... long story." He lowered his hand to his side, noticing the card on the incubator that said 'Baby Girl Hannigan.' He didn't even know Grace's surname until now and she was nowhere to be seen during these first few stages of her little girl's life. "Um... can I change her name..." He motioned towards it. "Without the mother here, I mean."

"Are you the biological father?" She finished up with the feeding tube, filling out the chart resting on the top. "The biological mother has turned over all decision making to you until the adoption is sorted out, so I guess that includes changing her name. What are you gonna change it to?"

"I was thinkin' about namin' her after my grandmother." He placed his good hand on the opening of the incubator, watching her little chest arching up and down with each other. He knew it wasn't her that was taking those breaths, but it was still the most amazing thing he had ever seen.

"What's your Grandmother's name?" The nurse pulled out the card from the end of the crib, waiting for his response.

"Sadie. I'm gonna call her Sadie Stokes."

Thank you for reading, please review!

~ Holly