Hey guys! Yes, I am back! I've lost my muse, but this just came to me tonight. I'm gonna try and post up the next chapter for Family Vacation soon, and No One Is To Blame, well, I'm going back to Canada to visit and hopefully I can find that notebook with the next chapter in it!

Now, as most of you know, I am now married, and like I said previously, this came to me tonight, well actually last night and it's just been running around my brain until I decided to do something about it so I typed it up tonight.

This is in Sara's POV, I guess you can say in her head. I think it's crap, but I wanted to post it. Just for the sake of posting it. There are some talk about sex and vague mention about suicide.

Hope you enjoy...

I'm sitting here, alone, in my bed wondering where our relationship suddenly started being so un-intimate? Yeah, sure we got married pretty fast, but when you know, you KNOW. That's what I always tell everybody. It's true, I love Catherine with all my heart and I can't see myself living without her. But the sex… oh the sex… It was amazing in the beginning stages, practically everyday! Hey, I wasn't complaining. But then it gradually got less and less. Which was understandable, I mean, sex every single day does get tiring!

But I knew I still loved Catherine. That's when I proposed. It had been about 3 months since we have been dating, but I couldn't get her out of my mind nor heart and I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her and Lindsay. It wasn't exactly as romantic as I had wanted it to be. We had just finished having sex, and I had gone outside for one of my "after-sex" cigarettes and she had joined me. I had brought the ring with me, but it was raining… and I didn't want to get my knees wet, yes I know, silly… but it was really raining! I had everything planned out on what I wanted to say, but I was so nervous, I stuttered through the whole proposal! After she said yes, I pulled out the ring, and dumb old me, didn't know what finger to put it on! Considering I had already made a complete ass out of myself, I decided asking which finger it goes on, wouldn't matter anymore anyways. So I asked. So dumb!

We got married about 4 months later, the whole gang was there! It was a small ceremony, but that didn't matter. As long as our loved ones and close friends were there, it didn't matter. It was beautiful, SHE was beautiful! I remember wanting to say "DAMN! I WANNA FUCK HER!" but my mouth had gotten so dry by seeing her, I couldn't. Plus, Lindsay was there, and I didn't want her to have that image in her head!

Now, we've been married for almost 6 months now, and the sex… what sex?! It's so frustrating! I guess our work schedule doesn't help much. She's on nights, and I'm on days. Or I'm on nights and she's on days. We just don't want Lindsay to be alone all day. We do have some shifts together, and on those days she either stays at a friends or goes to Nancy's. And on those RARE, RARE occasions that we do have a day off together, all she wants to do is sleep or just laze around and watch movies or TV. I don't mind that, but at the end of the day, I want some intimacy.

I have a high sex drive, whereas Catherine, who you would've thought would have a high sex drive, just doesn't. We've had infamous sex fights. Where almost everything gets turned around into why we're not having sex.

A month or so ago, I suggested sex therapy. Oh boy did that turn into a fight! She refused to go, saying we don't need sex therapy. I got out of the car, and went off in a huff. We had an argument the next day about it, where we both ended up crying about this and that. And we had agreed to let sex be. Sex wasn't as pleasurable as she wanted it to be, and she wanted it to be pleasurable. So I was to not ask for sex, or try and suggest at sex, or anything in that matter, until she was ready. I knew it was going to be hard, but goddammit! It's so fucking hard!

See, I need the intimate touch, to know I'm loved and not just by a kiss before work and an "I love you" I need to feel it, intimately. With the childhood I had, I never felt all that loved then nor growing up. And then finally finding somebody who loves me for me, and doesn't care about my insecurities or my past, it's unbelievable. Snuggling, and play wrestling is ok. But it's not the intimate touch I'm craving. I need to feel her caressing me, looking at me with such love in her eyes and not boredom like I see in her eyes now. I need to feel her lips on me, on my body. I need to feel her fingers gliding down my body and reaching my centre, and going inside me. I need to feel HER. I need to kiss her, and touch her. I need to see her nipples react to my touching and not just because it's cold. I need to see her eyes full of desire for me as I'm caressing her body. I need to hear her breathing react to my touches. I need to taste her centre with my tongue. I need to feel inside her and make her reach her climax and know it's because of me.

But rejection, after rejection is getting me down. I'm always questioning "Does she still love me? Am I now suddenly unattractive? Did we make a mistake?" She tells me I'm over thinking and I should believe her and trust her. But it is so hard to trust with everything else is pointing in the other direction.

Some may say "Well, just masturbate and get yourself off that way" Hell, even Catherine has told me to just use my fingers or the toys if I need it that badly. In the beginning, I would. But doing it yourself, all the time gets boring after while. Then I end up missing Catherine's touch and wanting her touch more, which just puts me in tears. I've even tried masturbating with Catherine in the bed with me, of course I've asked if she would mind. But looking at her whilst I'm masturbating, her eyes say it all. She's unfazed by it and it doesn't do a damn thing for her.

I've resorted to asking if I could use her leg. Put a towel on her leg, so she doesn't get any "wet stains" on her, and just rubbing myself up against her leg to get myself off. At least that way, I'm touching her. But nowadays, even then she's all "Well, hurry up and get it over with. It doesn't please you enough. You need to do it more than once, then again and again..."

It makes me question even more. Does she detest me so much that she doesn't even want to see me in the throes of my pleasure? Am I so undesirable? My insecurities are really getting to me, and I know it's affecting our relationship, but maybe sometimes I need proof that my insecurities are wrong.

This past week, I've been asking for sex. I can't wait any longer. I need to know that I can still turn her on. I've been trying to touch her and asking her if I could do one thing or another and she would say "No, later" but nothing happened. I've been trying to get her to remember what it was like in the beginning. How we would talk dirty all night, practically have sex on our cell phones by text message and at the end of shift, race home to have sex. Or if we were at our own homes for one reason or another and would "cyber-sex" online. Just trying really hard to get her to remember, and she just seems unfazed by it. As if she doesn't care what it was like or that it was a totally different person and not her.

Last night, I really started questioning if she's still in love with me. We were having a night in together. We both had the night off, and we were watching TV together, snuggling up on the make-shift bed we made in front of the TV. Catherine had lit some candles, and I thought it would be really romantic to just make love right there, with music playing. I asked if I could ask her something, and she knew what I was going to ask and said "No" And so, I decided to look in her eyes, I remember what her eyes looked like when she would look at me, they would look at me with such love, it made my heart swell with joy and happiness and so much love. Last night, she looked at me not with love, but with boredom. And it seemed with detest, too. It broke my heart, I had to stop myself crying from the pain. I just wanted to hang myself. That look, it's been haunting me and it's been eating at me all night and day.

Today, I asked her if we could have sex. I just needed to feel loved, I needed to feel the intimacy, to ease me heart. To know that she is still attracted to me. Of course, I was rejected again. So, I asked if I could use her leg. She wasn't too pleased, but she just gave it to me like a piece of meat and just laid there, staring off into space. I tried not to think about it. But after a few seconds, I realized it wasn't going to happen. I couldn't get myself off. I don't know if it's from the lack of sex, or the fact that it seems like she doesn't give a shit if I get off or not. I fear that when she is "ready" for sex again, will I?

Where did our relationship go wrong?

I'm laying here, unable to sleep. I've done all the research on how to get the "spice back into our marriage" and I've tried all the things I could, but it leaves her unfazed. Sex therapy is not an option because she doesn't want it and believes we don't need it. Her eyes and body language are not showing the love it used to. At nights, I pray to not wake up the next morning so I don't have to go through anymore heartache and rejection.

I often wonder why sex after marriage goes downhill. Is it because you get too comfortable with your partner? Is it because you believe you have the rest of your life to have sex with your partner so why have it now? Sex after marriage is a mystery to me…

The whole proposal disaster... totally true! And the "DAMN! I WANNA FUCK HER!" true, too. I just couldn't say it because my wife looked so beautiful!

Anyhoo, I hope you enjoyed it somewhat... and I hope I haven't deterred any of you from marriage! LOL!