Author's Note—In memory of Robert. A pastor, friend, and father who was taken too soon.
Pictures of Egypt
Part 1
"I've been painting pictures of Egypt
Leaving out what it lacked
The future seems so hard
And I want to go back"
from "Pictures of Egypt" by Sarah Groves
I hadn't seen her in years, not since the night of the accident. Maybe it was better that way. God knows, I blame myself probably almost as much as she does. The constant reminder of what I had done would have been too much to bear. Still, I recognize her instantly. Even fifteen years later and from across the bookstore, I can spot Katniss Everdeen in a crowd. There was always just something about the way she moved that set her apart from the rest of the world. Her eyes meet mine, and I have a hard time not turning away. It's like I am taken back to all of those years ago.
It was November, and I had come home from college to spend Thanksgiving with my family. I had driven home in the pouring rain late the night before on next to no sleep. My fraternity brothers had joined forces with one of the sororities and planned an event to raise money for families in need. As much as I'd wanted to skip it, I hadn't been able to. Instead, I packed up my stuff and headed out just before midnight. Though I was only three hours away at Pitt, it felt much farther. I didn't take well to life in the city, away from everything and everyone I loved. I missed my family. I missed my hometown. Mostly, I missed Katniss.
We had been best friends for years. Her family lived just down the road from mine, and I had been charmed by the little tomboy since I was fourteen years old. Though she was three years younger than me and a girl to boot, I soon found out that she was just as crazy about the outdoors as I was. We climbed trees, hunted, fished, and rambled through the wilderness together. I don't think I could have asked for a better friend. But then my feelings started to change when I came home after my first year of college. Katniss had really started to change. Though she was far from a girlie-girl, her looks suddenly seemed way more feminine. I noticed the addition of two rounded breasts and the sudden fullness of her hips. The day she stripped down to her underwear to jump into the lake, I swear I could have blinded myself with my erection. I felt like a dirty old man staring at her.
The gap between nineteen and sixteen was just too much, so I backed off. I forced myself to turn my lust towards more "suitable" targets. I became something of a self-proclaimed man-whore, taking all that the college girls had to offer. But in the back of my mind and the corner of my heart, there was always Katniss. The other girls just seemed like filler. I could leave any of them on a dime and not care one bit. I was always the quickest to pack my shit and go when breaks came, because I had something better to go home to. Katniss had turned eighteen that year and I was finally ready to make my move.
After very little sleep, I forced myself to wake up early and head out to Sae's Cafe on Main Street. It was kind of a dive, but it had the best food in town. In a way, it was like that old show Cheers; everybody knew everyone else's name, and everybody had their own place at the counter. I wasn't there for the camaraderie, though. It also happened to be where Katniss worked part-time. I pulled my beat-to-hell-and-back truck into the parking lot, and chewed on a couple of extra mints. Though I had primped like a chick that morning, I wanted to be extra sure I didn't have anything nasty smelling going on. That was the day I was going to ask Katniss to come home with me for Thanksgiving... as my girlfriend.
I strolled through the door to Sae's, trying to look as cool as humanly possible without looking like a douche—a fine line, I knew. Several people I knew said hello, but I barely paid any attention. I was looking at the object of my affection. Katniss was seated on the edge of a booth beside Peeta Fucking Mellark. My chest tightened at the scene.
Peeta was that one guy that the rules said you just couldn't hate. He was too God-damned perfect. He was the kind of guy who volunteers at the food bank and rescues kittens in his free time. I couldn't remember him ever saying anything rude to anyone. Though he was a couple of years behind me in school, I remembered how the teachers all held him up as the prime example of how a teenage boy should act. The girls all loved him because he was the sensitive artist-type. And then there was the real reason you weren't supposed to hate him: he'd had cancer. Not only had he had cancer, but he'd lost his leg to it. How the Hell could you hate the one-legged cancer survivor who was just about perfect? Easy - I saw how he looked at Katniss. That was enough to make me want to knock his teeth down his throat.
Before I could move to break up the action, Katniss spotted me. She all but ran up to me, and gave me a fierce hug. "Gale, you jerk! You didn't let me know you'd made it home," she chided as she punched me in the arm for good measure.
"It was really late, Catnip. I doubt your Mom would have been too happy if I woke her up at three in the morning." I smiled ruefully as I rubbed the sore spot.
"True," she agreed, pushing a stray hair from her forehead. "But you haven't even called once over the last two weeks. I thought you had forgotten us."
"Not at all," I said, guiltily. Though I hadn't forgotten about Katniss or my family, I couldn't deny that I hadn't exactly been too available. College was like a different world. In a way, it was like I was even a different person at school, and I didn't know how to explain that to anyone at home.
"Well, I've got to get back to work. Can you drop by after the breakfast rush is over?" she asked as a bell chimed from the kitchen.
I had been hoping that she would have cozied up to me a booth as she had with Mellark, but obviously that wasn't going to happen. Pointing to an open booth, I asked, "Would you mind grabbing me a menu? I'm actually really hungry, and I don't mind hanging out."
I sat with my back to the wall and surveyed my surroundings. I knew most everyone that came in and out of Sae's. In a town so small, it was hard to walk down the street without running into at least half a dozen people who knew you. Sometimes, it felt like a burden. They all filtered through the doors giving me hearty "hello's," but I had a feeling that what was said when I wasn't around was less than friendly. The general consensus in town was that I was wasted potential. I had led the school football team to the semi-finals, but couldn't get them through that last little push. On top of that, most of the college scouts for the big time teams overlooked me like I was nothing. I didn't even fight for it. When the time came, I chose not to even consider one of the smaller schools that wanted me. So what was I? Just another local could-have-been. The idea was less than appealing, and it made me want to tell them all to fuck off. I hunched over my steak and eggs, trying to pretend they weren't there. I reminded myself why I was even at Sae's.
"Gale Hawthorne, the prodigal son returns."
My head snapped up, and I instantly spotted Darius grinning down at me. Once, I had considered him my rival. We were almost like gods back in high school. As arrogant as it seemed, I knew—even back then—that I was the biggest thing in our school. In a graduating class of seventy-five, there wasn't much other competition for top dog. Darius was a year ahead of me, and pretty much had a harem following him around half of the time. He was good looking with a mischievous smile and red hair that the girls loved. We weren't really enemies, but I never really wanted to get to know him too well. Though I would never have admitted it then, I was jealous.
"At least I got out of this place for a while," I quipped dryly.
He laughed and seated himself across from me without being invited. "Here to try and steal your girl back from Peeta Mellark?"
"She was never my girl, and it's not like she's actually dating him."
"Man, are you behind on times!" he said with a whistle. "He's been here making kissy faces at her almost every Saturday, and rumor has it they've been seen at the movie theater almost every Friday."
"What are you? A twelve year-old girl?" I grumbled. I stabbed a bite of steak, pretending it was Darius' face.
He sighed. "Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but I think you missed your shot. Lavinia says..."
"Wait, wait. Lavinia? Jesus freak, Lavinia?" I demanded. The image of the gawky, carrot-topped girl with a million and one t-shirts with Christian slogans and fish outlines on them came to mind, and I just couldn't see Darius talking to her.
He scowled. "Don't call her that. Things have changed since you've been gone, Hawthorne."
"I guess they have," I agreed. "I didn't know there was something going on between you two."
"Listen, I have to get going. It's good to see you in town." He rose to his feet, and I suddenly felt like an asshole.
"I didn't mean it like that. And high school's over, am I right?" I said uneasily. "I am going to get a bonfire going tonight out at the old Hob. You know, for old time's sake. You should bring her."
"Maybe," he said with a noncommittal shrug as he headed for the door. "See you around."
"Yeah. See you around," I echoed flatly.
Katniss didn't make her way over to see me until almost an hour later. The crowd around us had thinned, and at some point, Peeta had left. She slid into the booth. "Sorry it took me so long," she said, tossing her apron down onto the table.
"No problem," I lied. I didn't want to admit how annoyed I was at the moment.
"So what's new and exciting with you?" she asked. "It feels like I never get to talk to you."
"Oh, you know, just the usual. Stuff with classes and the frat guys."
Katniss rolled her eyes. "You mean the young alcoholics club?"
"It's not like that," I complained. "We do other stuff together besides drink."
"Right," she drawled.
"What about you and Mellark?" I spat. "You two look real sweet together."
"Peeta is a good friend." Katniss began tying the left over straw paper into knots. "I don't see why you care."
"I care. You know that I do."
She looked at me expectantly like she was waiting for my confession to continue. Suddenly, all of the words that I had rehearsed in the mirror that morning went away. In the theater in my mind, it all went so easy, but in reality, I couldn't get the words out. It was like seeing her with Mellark had taken the wind right out of my sails. I had never imagined there would be someone else taking what should have been by rights my place. After that illusion had burst, I just couldn't figure out what I wanted to say.
"I heard you tell Darius that you were throwing a party," she said, moving the conversation along.
"Yeah," I confirmed. Just then, the party seemed like a great way to get a little closer to my goal. "I missed everyone and want to catch up with my friends. You'll come, won't you?"
"I can't. Mom is working the overnight, and I don't want to leave Prim all by herself," she explained.
"Bring her. She's sixteen, not six. Besides, it's not like it's going to get wild."
Still looking skeptical, she nodded reluctantly. "Fine. But just for a bit."
I spent that afternoon on the phone trying to convince all of our old friends to spend the evening half-freezing to death by a fire rather than going to the bar or staying in. Most of my friends scoffed at the idea of hanging out at the grown over quarry known commonly as the Hob. It was a high school hangout that usually hosted keg parties and things like that. The almost basin-like terrain was perfect to camouflage most get-togethers, and it was usually a safer bet than someone's house. That being said, it wasn't the kind of place where most of the over-twenty-one crowd would be caught dead. If I had any other choice of venue, I would have gone for it, but this was my chance to get close to Katniss again. I really needed this to feel just like old times.
Once I had a guest list mostly confirmed, I decided to stop and pick up a few essentials. I grabbed things for mountain pies and s'mores. Mostly, though, I picked up beer and liquor. I wasn't planning on getting a bunch of high school kids drunk, but I reasoned that there were enough of us of age that it wasn't such a bad idea. And I didn't buy much—three cases of beer and a few handles of cheap rum.
I made it to the Hob first and started piling up enough wood and kindling to get good fires going in the old burn barrels. Digging a hatchet out of my truck bed, I began cutting up some of the bigger pieces. I hacked away at way more than we actually would need in the vain attempt to clear my head. Even alone, my nerves were getting to me. The physical exertion didn't seem to help much either. I needed something more.
I poured some whiskey into a red Solo cup and downed it in one go, letting the warm feeling spread through me. For the most part, I considered myself a social drinker. Sure, I spent two and sometimes three nights a week at the bar and drank at the very least a beer or two with my brothers at the house most other nights, but that was just because it was simply what we did. It was almost like bonding, but way less touchy-feely.
It was just after dusk when the first few people started to arrive. To my surprise, I saw Darius getting out of his car just behind some of my former teammates. I still felt bad about how I had left things at Sae's, so I poured two whiskeys and headed his way.
"Glad you came," I said sincerely. "I kind of feel like an asshole for earlier."
He grinned. "You're always an asshole. It's about time you realized it."
"Fine, I earned that one, but let's forget about it. Drink to it?" I held out the cup.
"No, thanks. I can't drink like I used to," he said wistfully.
"Little woman says no?" I asked.
Darius shook his head. "Drinking isn't banned by the Bible."
I shrugged and poured his portion into my own cup. I didn't even pause to think about it. I just assumed that Lavinia had put an end to his wild ways, despite his denial. Years ago, Darius was probably the fake I.D. king of central Pennsylvania. He managed to slip in and out of more bars and state stores than the rest of us combined. I suppose in hindsight, I should have noticed that something was different about him then. Though the lens of my memory, I can now see the slight puffiness to his features and the almost yellowish tint to his complexion. It's just one of a hundred things I should have realized.
A couple of hours later, the party was in full swing. There were maybe close to thirty of us huddled around the fires—most wearing sweatshirts bearing their school colors, but still more than a few in letter jackets. I supposed I didn't notice how much everyone was drinking, or that many of the younger attendees were already pretty drunk. I was focused on one thing - Katniss still wasn't there. Annoyed, I found myself drinking more and more.
By the time Katniss showed up, I was more than a little drunk. I watched with rage mounting in my gut as I saw her get out of Peeta's car, followed by Prim. I couldn't believe that she would bring him to my party, but then it got worse. She let him put his arm around her.
"Finally decided to show up," I said roughly as she approached.
She frowned. "I didn't even want to come tonight. Besides, I thought you said it was okay to bring Prim?" She gestured toward the crowd, which had now swelled to about fifty.
"It's not that bad," I argued.
Katniss was about to say something, but Prim put a hand on her arm. "It's going to be fine. Besides, I don't think everyone is drinking. Look, Darius is over there with some of the guys from my school."
I smiled at the younger Everdeen. Prim was pretty much like another younger sister to me. To me, she would always be sweet, little Prim, but even I could see how she'd grown.
"I missed you, Prim," I said, opening my arms to give her a sloppy hug.
"I missed you, too. We should catch up when you're sober," she said with a giggle. "I'm going to go talk to Darius."
"I'll go with you," Peeta volunteered.
"Watch your step," I murmured under my breath. "Hate to see a cripple fall."
Peeta glared at me, but said nothing.
As the pair headed off, Katniss' eyes zeroed in on mine.
"Just what the hell are you doing?" she demanded.
I should have taken that as a red flag, but I didn't. It made me angry that she was choosing him over me. "Me? What about you?"
"I don't even know you anymore," she sighed.
"I'm not the one fucking Mellark," I spat.
"No, you're the one who became a brain-washed frat house pet." She crossed her arms over her chest, and I knew that I was in for it. "What the hell happened to you? We used to be friends, but you barely call and when you do, it's like I'm talking to someone else. When you do come home, you expect me to just be waiting for you, like I don't have a life of my own unless it involves you. Where did the Gale I used to know go?"
I clenched my jaw and looked away. Even in my drunken state, I realized that she was right. I had expected her to be waiting for me with open arms. I opened my mouth to reply, but was interrupted.
"Hey, Hawthorne!" I spotted a former football teammate jogging up to me holding up an empty beer case. "Dude, we're out of beer already."
"So either quit drinking or send someone on a beer run," I growled, rolling my eyes.
Katniss snorted. "I can see where this party is headed. I should go home."
"Please, don't," I begged, surprising both of us. "Just take a walk with me. I've wanted to talk to you."
She looked over to where Prim was stranding. The younger girl was laughing and talking to Darius and a few others—who all seemed sober. For the moment, it looked like Prim was in good hands. Before we started down the path, Prim waved us over.
"I'm a little tired," she said. "Darius actually offered to drive me home. Would you mind, Katniss?"
Katniss eyed Darius closely. "You're okay with giving her a lift?"
"I offered," he answered with a shrug. "Besides, you already know that I haven't been drinking."
"Fine," Katniss agreed after a moment. She pulled Prim into a quick hug. "I won't be too far behind you."
I gave Prim a quick hug and said good night. Though I regret it now, I was glad that she was going. It meant one less distraction for Katniss. Whenever Prim was around, Katniss tended to hover. That night, I wanted to be the only thing on her mind.
We walked down to the edge of the woods. As kids, we had come down here on many of our jaunts. Despite a thousand warnings that old quarry was dangerous, the lure of the place was just too much. There was too much to explore. We followed the path to where a giant stone slab rested. Katniss took a seat, and watched me silently.
"I'm sorry," I said softly as I sat beside her. "I have been a real dick about you and Mellark."
"You have," she agreed.
"I miss being here when I am at school. I really do. Sometimes, it's just hard to come back. You're right, I did want you to just be waiting for me," I admitted. "You can't tell me that you've never thought about what it would be like—you know, you and me."
"I have thought about it," she confirmed cryptically.
"And?"
"And I'm not sure. I love you like a brother, Gale, but I don't know that I want more than that," she replied.
I felt like I had been punched in the gut. "So, what about Mellark?"
"I don't know about that, either. Maybe, but I'm just not sure." She began pulling at the frayed edge of her old sweatshirt sleeve. "You act like this should all be so easy."
"It can be that easy," I assured her.
Moving closer to her, I cupped her face in my hand and pulled her lips to mine. Though she didn't push me away, she didn't exactly welcome me either. She stayed still in my arms, even as I tried to kiss her in the way that other girls seemed to melt into. I gave up.
"It's not that easy," she said softly.
"I guess not. So what now?" I put space between us.
"Can't we just be friends? Can't we try to stay closer when you go back to school?"
I picked up a stone from the ground and threw it as hard as I could. If there had been a wall around, I probably would have punched it. What guy wants to hear the "Let's be friends" speech? I sighed and raked a hand through my hair. "Friends. All right, I guess I can handle that," I lied.
We stayed down by the rock for quite a while. From the basin below, I could hear the party still going full swing, but I really didn't give a damn. I didn't care that I could go home with just about any girl down there if I wanted to. The one person I wanted didn't want me, and the party couldn't distract me from that. I stared at the halo-like glow of the fires and wished I had never thrown it.
"It looks like everyone is having a good time," she said, following my gaze.
"The party is lame, but let's head back up anyway."
A strained silence stretched out between us as we walked. I didn't really have anything to say to her beyond what I already had. I put what I was feeling out there, and she turned me down. What more was there? By the time we made it back, I couldn't bear the thought of staying. Without a word, I pulled my truck keys from my pocket.
"Where do you think you're going?" Katniss asked, as she gripped my arm.
"Home. I'm done with this."
"There is no way that I am letting you drive."
She pried the keys from my fingers without too much resistance. I knew I was still too drunk to drive. Peeta agreed to follow behind us in his car, and Katniss slipped behind the wheel of my truck as I reluctantly slid into the passenger seat. I flipped on the radio to avoid any conversation, which she didn't seem to mind.
It's funny, the things you remember and the things you don't. I remember the song "November Rain" by Guns N' Roses playing in the background, and how I leaned my head on the window as she drove. What I don't remember is when exactly we first saw the lights and heard the sirens. I can't pinpoint that moment, no matter how hard I try. It was like one minute we were driving along in silence, and then everything sped up into a ball of color and sound. I think the next coherent thing I can still picture are the cop cars and ambulance lining the road almost blocking us from seeing the smashed up pieces of metal that used to be cars.
One of them was Darius'.