starcrossings missed
They're older now, he thinks, while he examines his appearance critically. His fingers brush over his face and the scar on his chin. Well, that's a given. But it's been a while since he's thought about his age. Sometimes Yamamoto still feels like the 15 year old he was ten years ago.
He practices his smile in the mirror.
--&--
Today is their first date. It's not actually a date, per se, it's more like Yamamoto tagging along 'cause he wants to. Today is actually supposed to be a date between Dino and Hibari but Yamamoto comes too, because maybe half of him wants to see the cold hard gut-ripping hate. Because maybe half of him wants to see Hibari break so he can put the pieces back together. But he knows Hibari, and he knows that Hibari will not break. He has too much pride for that.
Today is their first (unofficial) date and this is what Yamamoto tells himself when he sees the stranger in the clean black suit.
"Yo, Hibari!" He greets and Hibari does not acknowledge him.
They travel together in what Yamamoto tries to pretend is a companionable silence. Hibari's steps are quick, like he wants to get this over with. Maybe he does. Yamamoto is sure Hibari never wanted to come (he can only imagine what Dino said to convince him) in the first place, and he is sure that Hibari never wanted to meet the one person he would never be able to win against.
Yamamoto feels that they arrive far too quickly. He enjoys Hibari's presence. Sometimes he's even able to keep his mouth shut when they're together, but most of the time he opens it and says something really stupid. But maybe he does this on purpose because Hibari doesn't really pay any attention to him if he doesn't.
Yamamoto laughs and says 'we're here' and Hibari gives a soft nod and then they walk to the nice open Italian café and find that they are the early ones.
They sit and Yamamoto orders two coffees off a menu he doesn't look at. Hibari sits down silently as usual but today it is more of the far-away type of silence. The silence that Yamamoto reads as Hibari's in-thought silence. The silence that never really bodes well, because once Hibari starts to think introspectively he begins to get irritated. Hibari has never liked reading into things pertaining to himself, and he has never liked anyone who has been able to make him think about himself.
Yamamoto understands Hibari well and he thinks that he would like to make Hibari think about himself, one day.
Dino is fifteen minutes late and Yamamoto can sense Hibari's irritation growing. He can see Hibari clench his jaw and shoot Dino a disgusted look. A pretty girl comes up from behind Dino and they are the picture-perfect couple. She grips his arm tightly and Yamamoto can see Hibari's lips press into the thinnest line, and he can hear him think that she doesn't belong there, hanging off Dino like that. She would only be a burden, after all. A Mafia boss doesn't have time to take care of his precious porcelain dolls. And who in their right mind would marry a man who could die the next day?
Yamamoto knows that somewhere in his heart Hibari hopes that their wedding day never comes. He knows that Hibari would kill Dino than let him marry this woman. But he won't, because that would mean that he was admitting something that he doesn't want to admit. And Yamamoto thinks that Dino must marry this woman, and he knows he's being selfish, but he has to do something for himself, hasn't he?
This is the only thing. He'll never be selfish again.
Dino smiles nervously and his to-be-wife smiles nervously and they really are a picture-perfect couple. Yamamoto knows they can't deny this. He knows Hibari knows. Their coffee arrives and Hibari stares at the cup, and stares at anything other than Dino, because he can't look at Dino.
And Yamamoto looks at Hibari. Because Hibari can't look at Yamamoto, either.
Dino and his to-be-wife sit down across from them and try to start a conversation. 'It's like a double date' Dino laughs painfully and Yamamoto laughs along with him, because nobody else will laugh.
He can see Dino's to-be-wife glance at them out of the corner of her eye and he knows she is thinking if they are like that and Yamamoto smiles a little ruefully because, to be honest, he wishes they were like that.
"Kyouya," Dino says a little too desperately, "This is—"
The words seem to be caught in this throat. Or maybe they're not, maybe the words are caught in time, because neither Yamamoto nor Hibari hear him. Yamamoto is waiting for Hibari to break but Hibari will not break, not here, not ever. But Yamamoto has a tiny bandaid hidden in his back pocket, because he doesn't mind waiting, he doesn't mind hoping. He doesn't mind his over-idealistic dreams because without dreams, nothing would ever be achieved. So it's okay to be a little naïve; he couldn't smile if he weren't.
Or maybe Dino's words were never said.
Hibari pushes his chair back with a startling screech as he stands up just as silently as he sat down and turns his back and leaves. Yamamoto's eyes follow him, Dino's eyes follow him, Dino's to-be-wife's eyes follow him. And then Yamamoto laughs a little and Dino tries to laugh a little but it comes out broken and his to-be-wife looks even more miserable than she did at the beginning.
"I'm sorry," Yamamoto says, trying not to smile.
"Me too." Dino says and looks down, and Yamamoto gets up and follows Hibari's cold black figure, and when he turns his head back, Dino is still looking down and his to-be-wife has taken to staring at Hibari's coffee cup with the coldest look he's ever seen.
--&--
They never really grew up, he thinks, while he examines Hibari's appearance in front of him. His fingers brush over the cold black suit and cold black tie and he touches the collar of Hibari's dress shirt. Not Yamamoto, not Hibari. Noone grew up. They were still the 15 year olds they were ten years ago.
Hibari hasn't let go of his childish possessiveness and Yamamoto hasn't let go of his naivete. Hibari hasn't let go of his bloodthirst (though it is more refined now) and Yamamoto hasn't let go of his laugh. Sometimes he thinks he's forgotten how not to laugh.
"What are you doing." Says Hibari flatly, like he would ten years ago, only with less animosity. Yamamoto isn't sure if it's because he's tired or if it's because he's matured.
Yamamoto just laughs and scratches his head.
Hibari stares at him for the longest time, and Yamamoto can see all the things going through his head. They are a mess, things only Hibari would be able to understand clearly. Hibari has always done things his own way. Yamamoto smiles because this is why he respects him. Hibari reaches a conclusion and he breaks eye contact and looks away and muffles a sigh. Not unlike Dino. But Hibari isn't the type to wallow in self-pity.
If you can't have them, he figures, kill them.
"You like him." Yamamoto says, out of the blue. He watches Hibari stiffen. He watches Hibari's brain whir and Hibari run out of patience for everything. And it's scary, because normally Hibari would have punched his face out for that. But instead, Hibari looks at him, right at him, and he thinks that perhaps Yamamoto is right, and he doesn't like this at all, so he punches Yamamoto's face out. It hurts, but the split second in which Hibari contemplates and Yamamoto realizing what he's done, that's the scariest part.
He doesn't even bother pulling out his tonfa, just punches Yamamoto straight and hard. His fist is cold on Yamamoto's warm cheeks. Yamamoto feels himself bleeding. He laughs a little. Hibari becomes angrier and fights harder and harder and Yamamoto finds himself fighting back because he doesn't want to die. Doesn't want to die without getting what he wants, first.
He becomes more selfish with each passing day.
"You like him." Yamamoto says again, just to make Hibari madder, and he does. Hibari is so easy to rile up. Hibari is so angry that he does not even bother to spit out his catchphrase, just attacks Yamamoto with pure cold fury. This is the angriest Yamamoto has ever seen Hibari, Hibari, who never loses his composure. Yamamoto knows he's not being very considerate. He knows that he's probably very masochistic.
"I don't." Hibari breathes harshly, "I hate him, and I hate you." He breathes on the back of Yamamoto's neck and Yamamoto forgets how to breathe. He breathes into Yamamoto's ear and Yamamoto forgets how to breathe. He only knows how to look, at Hibari, in Hibari, but Hibari doesn't give him anything to look at, except for hate hate and more hate.
He smiles a little and reaches over so their noses touch. He smiles a little when Hibari freezes on the spot. He smiles a little sadly and reaches over so their lips touch. Their first kiss tastes of something akin to regret.
--&--
Things progress rather smoothly after that. As smoothly as things can go, anyway. Hibari goes back to ignoring Yamamoto's existence and he goes back to hating Dino and the rest of the world, really.
Yamamoto is back to waving his sword around like a baseball bat and killing people he's never met but still feels bad about killing. He's the only hitman who will kill with a smile.
He comes home from a week-long mission wearing a tired smile and he slips his jacket off his shoulders and slumps into a chair. Gokudera comes out of the kitchen with two paper cups, like he knew Yamamoto would be here. He places one on the table. Yamamoto indicates for him to sit. He thinks for a while and then decides that maybe the baseball idiot is too tired to make stupid comments. He's wrong.
Gokudera grimaces as Yamamoto spills out his entire life story (or the parts pertaining to his love woes anyway) and doesn't look mildly surprised. Yamamoto asks why.
'because it was obvious, idiot.' Gokudera answers and rolls his eyes. 'you're like a fucking puppy, you follow him everywhere.'
Kind of like what you do to Tsuna. Yamamoto wants to say but he doesn't, just laughs, and replies, "oh really?"
Gokudera sighs because there is no hope for Yamamoto. He shakes his head because Yamamoto is the saddest person he's ever known (next to himself). He looks away because they are kind of similar.
Maybe this is why they argue so much. Even now, they haven't grown out of their bantering phase. Maybe it's because Gokudera doesn't want anybody to be similar to himself. Maybe he wants to be Tsuna's only screwup. Maybe he doesn't want to see himself when he looks at Yamamoto. Maybe that's why he's not looking.
Just like how Hibari isn't looking. Nobody is looking at Yamamoto, even though he wears his heart out on his sleeve and opens himself up like a book. Nobody looks at him because nobody wants to see themselves reflected back at them. Yamamoto thinks they build their own mirrors, how could he possibly be all these people at once? Maybe everybody is just the same. Maybe they all just have the same insecurities.
Yamamoto makes a decision then and there that he knows he will regret.
"Do you know where he went?" He asks Gokudera. It's funny how they both know who he's talking about. Gokudera shakes his head.
"Oh," Says Yamamoto, a little disappointed. "I'll ask Tsuna, then."
"You should rest." Gokudera advises him, and Yamamoto smiles (and this time maybe it's real) because Gokudera is never worried about him. Gokudera knows what he's thinking.
"Shut up." He snaps, even though Yamamoto hasn't said anything and wasn't planning to.
Yamamoto thanks Gokudera and leaves him sitting alone and deep in thought. He heads off towards Tsuna's office and hopes he's in there. Because Yamamoto is tired and doesn't feel like running all over the place today.
Fortunately Tsuna is in his office. Yamamoto starts to ask "do you know where he—" before he forgets that Tsuna isn't Gokudera. "—Hibari went?"
Tsuna lifts his head and Yamamoto wonders how he didn't notice the way Tsuna looked. Looked too old, too tired, too worn out. When did they grow up? Yamamoto's lips twitch, and Tsuna's expression is somber. Tsuna's breath is caught in his throat so he can only give Yamamoto the phone he is holding with shaky hands and then Yamamoto knows that something is horribly wrong.
"—don't know what he was thinking but oh my god, my god, Tsuna, what should I do? he'll get killed—massacred—out there, I don't care if he's Vongola's strongest guardian it won't do any good—my god, kyouya."
Suddenly Yamamoto forgets how tired he was because he's sprinting out of Tsuna's office and down the halls and past Gokudera and out the doors and he doesn't know where he's headed but he'll find out, eventually.
--&--
He arrives late, as usual. That time with Hibari, their first (unofficial) date? That was the only time he was ever early.
He arrives to a bloody battlefield, what was once the home to a mafia. The ground is soaked with red and the bodies dotted and leaking. It looks to him like some sort of twisted masterpiece. He wonders who will paint something like this. He wonders who will be the Da Vinci of their age, who will paint this scene and who will receive international fame for it.
In the midst of limbs that don't work and hearts that don't beat is Hibari's solitary figure. He is as alone as he looks. Yamamoto's heart pangs a little because he knows they would look so much better side by side.
Hibari stands like a Messiah in the middle of faceless beings and he is red from head to toe. Yamamoto doesn't find this repelling—it is Hibari, after all. And Yamamoto has always been able to accept all things Hibari—because he was Hibari.
Hibari stands tall like a Messiah with his eyes closed and he looks like he is waiting for a message from God.
"Hibari won't lose." Yamamoto says aloud, to the world, "Hibari can't lose, he's our ace."
He wonders if this is 15 year old Yamamoto speaking or 25 year old Yamamoto speaking. He wonders if they are the same people. He wonders if he loved Hibari even back then.
"Hibari hasn't lost." Is the soft cracking reply as the skylark comes tumbling down from his own sick heaven and Yamamoto reaches out to catch him but misses by a hairsbreadth. His fingertips touch the ends of Hibari's soft ebony locks before he hits the ground.
"Hibari hasn't lost," Is the last thing he gasps out, with his lips shaped in a sfaint sardonic grin on his face that says to Yamamoto: you regret this don't you? "He's won."
Yamamoto cradles his Messiah in his lap and wonders who exactly Hibari won against. His fingers feel the bullet holes that mar Hibari's otherwise perfect body, the liquid seeping through his clothing, there must be fifty of them, and he hates whoever has done this. Yamamoto sits in the middle of this graveyard holding yet another limpsoftcolddeadbeautiful body.
Hibari was never this soft. He was always cold hard bite and cold hard words and stinging slap of reality in the face. This is not Hibari.
It's funny, it's like they were starcrossed. Yamamoto looked and saw Hibari but Hibari did not see Yamamoto. Hibari looked and saw Yamamoto but Yamamoto did not see Hibari. Yamamoto lets out a soft, bitter laugh.
He leans down and presses his warm lips to Hibari's cold ones and their last kiss tastes of something akin to tears and death. Foreign liquid slides down Yamamoto's face and he almost doesn't remember what it feels like to cry.
--&--
finish
a/n; omgggg look at how long this is. it's twice as long as my other stuff. that's the only thing i'm happy about, though.
first off, i'm sosososososooo sorry about the ooc. especially hibari, okay, i already know this so please don't chew me out too bad for it. ;; also, yamamoto is too smart, sorry. well maybe that's... okay. there are unresolved issues and it's too unclear and just alfkdjlkg. don't ask me what anything means because i don't know.
honestly i'm not very pleased as a whole but... i've been meaning to write 8018 for a while, this just churned itself out. also the reason i'm going to fail my quizzes tomorrow.
btw i'm never going to write something serious again.
thanks for reading!! :)