„Or maybe we should be afraid."
The words were hanging in the room like a curse. He could still feel her lips on his face. He could still smell her scent in his nostrils. Yet she was gone. Gone away. Back to her quarters. He blew out the candles and went to look out at the stars. They had been his home, his save place ever since he was a boy. Whenever he needed to calm down or to be comforted he gazed into the stars. They always made him feel whole again. But not so today. Today his world fell into pieces and the stars would not be able to mend those pieces.
„Damn it Beverly", he muttered to himself.
„Why did you leave? I know how you feel."
He turned around, went to the table and slammed his fist onto it. He was angry and sad at the same time.
„Why should we be afraid?"
He slammed his hand onto the table again.
„Tell me Beverly! Why!"
He stared into the direction of the door. The door, where the love of his life had just left him. Left him behind screaming and banging his fist onto his table. Frustration had taken over and he couldn't handle his feelings nor his actions. This was not going to stand. He turned around and stared at the places, where they had just been sitting on the sofa. His hand moved up to the place, where she had just touched him. He could still feel her lips on his, when she said goodbye.
For years they had been dancing around each other. Almost lovers, always friends. She must have felt it too. Oh no, there was no doubt about that. She had felt it too. She had loved him. Still loves him. She had felt the frustration of being close but not together just as he had. He knew it. He had heard it through the link. She had tried to keep it from flowing out yesterday night after his revelation at the fireplace. Just as he tried to not let her know.
But why still keeping it up. Why was she still running? He felt his whole body mind and soul aching for her. Finally after years of hiding and being strong all came to the open yesterday. Finally they both knew what the other one felt. Finally he was sure she loved him. Had loved him for years.
This was no use. His mind was running in circles. He turned and marched towards the door. The door hissed open. When he needed to slow down in front of the door for it to open, he noticed he was almost running. He deliberately slowed down. He should not be running around on the ship in that hour in civilian clothes. He made a spectacle of himself in his quarters and he will yet probably make a fool of himself again in her quarters, but there was no need looking ridiculous in front of any of his crew.
He came to halt in front of her door. He rang. No answer. He rang again. Still no answer. Did she know it was him. Was that why she didn't answer? She could not be sleeping already. It had been a mere 10 minutes ago, she left. He used his private code to her quarters. That's how close they actually where. He had granted her private access to his quarters years ago and so did she. Thinking back, this was the first time he ever used it, but this was the first time, he ever was so devoted.
He was beyond anger. He wanted to grab her shoulders and shout at her. He would not give in. For the first time in his life he was willing to fight for her. It was worth fighting now, because there was a chance he could win her. Oh, he would have done everything for her any time before. But today he would fight for her. Fight for their love. Or rather for a chance to love.
The door hissed open and he took two big steps forward scanning the room, allowing the automatic dorr to close. The lights were dimmed and he took a deep breath not trusting his voice. He took one more step forward calling out her name. He almost didn't recognize his own voice. It was hoarse and filled with tears of despair and anger.
Finally he saw her sitting on the floor in front of the sofa. She was leaning with her back to the sofa, her legs pulled to her body, her long lean arms hugging her knees. Her head buried on her knees, she was shaking heavily. Was she crying? He felt all his anger wash out. Had she not noticed him? He called out her name again, as he felt his body move towards her. He didn't notice his legs moving until he was standing in front of her kneeling down to touch her.
She looked up.
"Damn it Jean Luc!"
Was all she could say. Her voice was hard and her eyes were cold as ice. She was still trembling. Even more now that his hand was on her arm. She tried to break free from his touch but was unable to move.
He drew his hand back. Scared by the look in her eyes.
He went down opposite from her to level his eyes with her. But he would not move back. She would not scare him away with that look. He knew that look. He knew her determination that came with it. He had seen it often enough. But he didn't become captain of a starship for nothing. He too was determined to get his will done and he would not leave before he had an answer. She owed him!
He stared into her eyes. She didn't back away. He smiled inwardly. He had seen ensigns and lieutenants back of at his gaze but she was strong. Stronger than anyone he knew. Headstrong like anybody else he knew. That was one reason why he loved her so much. She was his equal in so many ways. She could stand up to him. And he respected her for that. Finally he spoke.
"Why Beverly?"
She looked at him questioning.
"Why should we be afraid?"
He asked again. He had wanted to shout at her. Force reason into her, but now his voice was barely above a whisper. Seeing her there, small and hurt like a small animal licking its wounds, he wanted to sooth her. He wanted to embrace her, pull her into his arms. But her eyes kept him at distance. They didn't need to be close. They needed to talk.
He looked into her eyes waiting.
"Damn it Jean Luc! Why did you have to come? Why do you need to pressure this? Leave me alone."
She shouted at him her voice trembling.
She was trying to look away. To make his eyes leave hers but he just kept on pinning her with his eyes. He waited until she was looking him into his eyes again. It took him all
his willpower not to touch her. She was still trembling. He didn't know, wether it was anger, frustration or fear to make her body shake. But he didn't care right now. He heard her words but he wasn't going to go. Not this time. He needed an answer and he was determined to get it. Here and now. He was not wasting his chance for happiness and partnership with the woman he had been loving, adoring and respecting for two decades because of her unspoken fear of ... Fear of what!?!
When he had her full attention again. Blue eyes staring at hazel eyes he spoke again. His voice low but firm.
"Why should we be afraid?"
She shook her head, frowned and buried her face in her knees again. Wasn't it obvious? What was he thinking? What am I thinking anyways? She had come to her quarters and as soon as the door had closed behind her, she sunk to the floor trembling. Tears building up but not willing to leave her body. There was nothing she wanted more than to get lost in his arms. There was nothing she wanted more than to be held. There was nothing more she wanted than to love him and be loved. But she couldn't. Why could he not leave her alone.
She looked up again shaking her head.
"Why can you not let it be. Leave me alone!"
He stared into her eyes.
"No!" His voice was still low but firm and she knew he wouldn't leave until he had an answer. Her shoulders sank even deeper, her body surrendering to his gaze. Her lips were trembling when she whispered his name surrendering to him.
He noticed every move and when she started to relax, so did he. He felt his face producing a light smile. He reached over to touch her arm. She followed his move with her eyes. Then she searched his eyes again. They were full of love for her. She felt his love touching her body and his hand soothing her. She stopped trembling. He sat down beside her, never breaking eye contact. He made sure their shoulders didn't touch. He didn't want to scare her.
His hand slowly traveled down to her hand. Without even noticing their fingers entwined and their hands slipped down in between their bodies.
"Why should we be afraid", he whispered once more, his voice strong but soft and loving. He felt her hand stiffening, but she didn't pull away. Finally she opened her mouth.
"I don't want to lose you!"
He shook his head.
"You will not lose me!"
"How do you know? You cannot be sure!"
"I will not let you lose me!"
Beverly frowned.
"It will not work out!"
"Why?"
Beverly shook her head. Why did he not see it. They would not work together. It would end up being separate from him. She would lose her closet friend. Damn, she would lose the person closest to her ever.
"The risk is to high!"
"Why will it not work out!"
"We are too alike. We are both stubborn it hurts. We will be fighting to the end!"
"We have been fighting those last years and we are still
friends. It even got us closer. "
Jean Luc started to relax even more. he leaned back to the sofa and slowly closed his eyes and opened them again. Finally they were talking. Finally they were working on this. Finally they were getting somewhere. He would not let her slip out of this. He needed to know. This was the time to talk. They had been ignoring this for years. They had been comfortable in their friendship. Too comfortable. He had enjoyed her teasing. He had enjoyed her closeness. He had been hurt when she was in a relationship and he had seen her hurt when he was with Nella. She had retreated like a hurt animal.
"But love makes everything too complicated. Feelings don't have space in our lives. We both tried and got hurt," Beverly continued.
"But our love is there. I love you Beverly. And you do love me, don't you?"
"I do love you. But do we have to act on it, if it ruins everything we have?"
Jean Luc smiled. Why are you so complicated? Why can you not just be. Why are you analyzing everythingHe shook his head. Because you always have. Because you are such a brilliant mind. Why are you risking your live on an away mission but play save with love? Because this is so much more important to you? Oh Beverly. Dealers Beverly. He needed to help her.
"Why should it ruin everything?"
Beverly shook her had. He was so stubborn it hurt.
"We will make ourselves vulnerable and things will not work out anymore. Our passion for each other will limit our ability to put each other at risk."
He raised her eyebrows.
"It will start interfering with your command."
"I have been your commanding officer for 6 years. And our friendship has always been influencing my command decisions!"
He looked at her. She breathed in heavily and held her breath waiting for an explanation. He continued:
"My crew is part of my command. They always have. I might be the captain, but my crews ability's and opinions are part of my command. It is my job to chose the right people for the specific away mission. We don't have the crew meetings for nothing."
Beverly nodded.
"Of course you are right. But that is not what I mean."
"So what is it then? Why should we be afraid?"
"Next time you will send Doctor Selar down on a planet and we will fight because you were too scared to let me go!"
"Beverly. I've been in love with you for a while and each time I did send you in a dangerous situation I had been scared to not have you back!"
She raised an eyebrow in astonishment.
"You sent me anyways?"
He laughed.
"I was too scared of you!"
She laughed out loud.
"You? Scared?"
"Have you ever met yourself fighting for your principles?"
She grinned.
"That bad?"
„Remember Rutia 4?"
She nodded.
„Well, it must be one of the best examples of you and me fighting both for our reasons…"
„ … and none of us lost or won", she finished his sentence.
He looked at her smiling.
"You know that Riker and Worf hold their breath during the times we argue?"
„They do?"
„You scare the hell out of them!"
She dropped her eyes.
"I am sorry!"
He squeezed her hand.
"I wouldn't have you any other way!"
"You do?"
"You stand up for your opinion and never hesitate to
see you superior eye to eye. No matter wether it is damaging your personal reputation."
Beverly groaned.
"You are an amazing woman. Brave and intelligent. You would never back just because an Admiral pulls rank. I am not the only one admiring you for that."
Beverly blushed slightly. She smiled a weird smile. Jean Luc felt his heart leap. He felt her relax. She even had smiled during their argument. He enjoyed talking to her. But then, he always had. Discussing positions with her usually was a pleasure. Beverly was never dull. She met him at eyes height. She was not afraid of his rank. It felt so good even arguing with her. They say it is lonely at the top, but with Beverly at his side he always was reminded, that he was only human and could be wrong or better. She would keep him on his toes when necessary. And only then!
After some moments the easy manner between disappeared.
"Will you not start hating me for fighting with you all the time?"
She wondered.
"Not as long there is a reason for it. And we are not fighting, we are arguing!"
He smiled triumphantly at her.
"Do you want to discuss the right word now?"
Jean Luc rolled his eyes. All of a sudden he got serious.
"No. I want to be with you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you by my side. I want to cry and laugh with you. I want to fall asleep next to and wake up with you in my arms. No restraints!"
"And how long will it take you to get sick of me? Spending your whole spare time with me? Working with me? Beverly 24/7?"
"Isn't that, what I am already doing? You are the first person I see in the morning and most of the times the last person I see in the evening. You are the one at my side when going out and my date for official party's."
She raised her eyebrows, a smile dancing on her mouth.
"Your date?"
she asked teasing him.
Jean Luc let his eyes sink down onto their still entwined hands. This was slightly embarrassing. He smiled inwardly. Beverly always managed to get the truth out of him, even if he hadn't planned on telling her. He slowly looked up into her eyes again. Those beautiful blue eyes. This was not the time to hide.
"Most of the times, I made myself believe you were my date. At least until I said goodnight at you doorstep."
Beverly smiled.
"You are very sweet!"
She said in complete honesty.
All of a sudden he felt embarrassed. He had pushed her into some kind of relationship, she did t want to be in when thinking about her like that. He felt he had taken advantage of her. At the time he thought no harm was done. But right now he wasn't so sure about that anymore. What was she thinking of him?
"I am sorry!"
Her smile grew wider. She leaned over and touched his cheek with her lips. She leaned back again but her hand remained on his cheek.
"Don't be! More than once I wished you would have come in and spent the night, making love to me."
Slowly she let her hand slip down. He held his breath. He didn't know wether it was the kiss or her last statement, but time seemed to stand still. Did she just say, what she said or was his mind playing tricks on him. He searched her eyes and noticed that she was dead serious. She had wanted him to stay. She had wished for him to make love to her. Not once but more than once. His mind started to race. What was he supposed to say now? Did she want him to stay tonight, like she had wished for those other times? Or would she run like she had done earlier this evening? He looked into her eyes to search for an answer.
She looked away, her expression showing anger and frustration.
"People will start talking about us. You hate gossip."
He nodded. She was right.
"You are right. I hate my private life to be on display but other people in command also have a private life!"
"Not with their commanding officer or well, not with their CMO!"
"Maybe not, but I know we will work that out. This will be tough I have to admit, but we will learn to manage."
"It is a hugh risk. Everyone will watch us with eagles eyes. And everybody will talk." she added.
"Yes. But people are talking about us anyways. I wouldn't want to know how many people are currently having some money in the pot, betting on us being lovers!"
Beverly rolled her eyes and Jean Luc continued.
"They will get used to it and after some time we will get uninteresting to them. Gossip will decay. But you are right. It will be tough in the beginning, when every move or touch or not touch will be interpreted!"
"I am scared of that!"
"So am I. But we will need to learn, to not listen to them. Damn it. We are managing that in our working life. We will manage that in our private life, too."
He squeezed her hand. She let out a silent ok. She was tired. It had been a long three days. The ordeal on the planet and all these emotions on display, the conversation about their relationship and her deepest fears drained life out of her. She wanted nothing more than to lean into Jean Luc, lay her head on his shoulders and feel his arms around her to sink into a night of undisturbed sleep. She was tired of fighting. She was willing to give in. She wasn't even really giving in. She wanted it too, but there were so many arguments against them. There was one more thing nagging her mind. She didn't dare looking him in the eye, so she looked down to her knees again.
"I am scared you die", she said her voice barely above a whisper. „I am scare to be left alone." She added, a tear slipping down her cheek.
He shook his head. Not knowing what to say. He would die eventually, but nobody knew when. She continued.
"I know it is irrational. We will both die some time, but I couldn't bare losing you. I love you so much it hurts. I know this is not a fair point but it scares me to death."
He nodded. She let her head sink down on her knees again looking into the void above the floor. She feels a tear slipping from her eye and quickly rubs it away with by leaning her head to the side.
"I am scared of losing control over my life. You are making me losing myself by simply being a friend. I have no idea what you being my lover will do to me."
She moved her head up, turning to face him again. Her voice firm again she added.
„You are a very dangerous man Jean Luc!"
He gave her a puzzled look.
"Am I? I never thought I would be. At least not to you."
She smiled.
"Oh yes you are. You were from the minute we first met. You made my world turn in strange ways. Already after our first meeting I knew that you are dangerous for me, because you were the only person I could lose myself in completely."
He was astonished and it showed in his face.
"I never intended to make you feel that way. I never intended for you to lose yourself or change."
Beverly nodded.
"I know. I have always known. But still it scares me. You do things to me that I can not control."
"And you hate to lose control", he added.
"But that is what makes lovers so special. To be with a person you trust without questioning. To do things you never thought possible, because there is that one person that loves you unconditionally. You must have experienced that with Jack."
She shook her head.
"My relationship with Jack was very different from that. We were young lovers. We were... I don't know how to describe it. And I don't want to talk about it now. This is not about Jack. It never was."
"It was for me!" His voice had this sad tone, it always had when he thought about Jack, Beverly and his love for his best friends wife.
Now it was her time to squeeze his hand.
"Jack never stood in between you and me. What we have is too different from what I had with Jack. The love we share is mature and build on solid friendship. Don't ever compare what we have to what I and Jack had."
He nodded. They both fell silent. Was it because Jack's ghost had appeared again and did not allow them to be free or was there nothing else to be said. Jean Luc wanted nothing more than to break free from this silence and the restraints he suddenly felt. But he didn't know what to say. He didn't dare saying anything. He looked at her face, eyes looking into the void space above her knees again. Then he looked down at their hands.
She was still holding onto his hand. She never during this conversation tried to move away. This must be a good sign. All of a sudden she turned to face him again. Her eyes filled with love and a longing for him that he had never seen before. She whispered, her voice hoarse.
"So what do we do now?"
She looked so small. Like a child not knowing what the next step was supposed to be. Not knowing right from wrong. But still a woman. Strong and loving. She had let herself be lost in him. She had faced her strongest fear and stopped controlling herself. He took up her slim hand and placed it into his strong palm. He lifted her hand up, meeting his lips half way. He kissed her knuckles.
"Marry me!"
The words had simply slipped out of his mouth. He had not intended saying them and as soon as they were out, he regretted them. He wanted to marry her but after all that had happened during the last few hours, this was definitely not the time nor the place. They had come so far and he had just ruined that all by letting those two words slip out. Should he excuse himself. No. That would make things even worse. He looked her straight in the face, trying to read, what she was thinking.
She had looked down at their hands. He could see her mind was running, but her body was still there. Her breath was even and she didn't make a single move. Slowly she lifted her eyes up. She looked him in the eyes. Nodding she smiled.
"Yes. I will do that."
Jean Luc felt like his heart stood still. Had she really just said she would marry him. He must have dreamed. His wishes must have made him hear voices. She was still there. She was still looking at him. Her hand was still in his. And she was smiling. He didn't trust himself.
"Can you say that again?"
Beverly's smile grew wider.
"Yes, I will marry you Jean Luc Picard!"
She moved her body to face him and lifted her free hand to cup his face. She slowly bent over to kiss him. Realizing what he just heard he smiled and met her half way kissing her lovingly. He let lose of her hand and moved it towards the back of her head to pull her close. When the kiss was kissed they slightly moved back to look into each other's eyes. Beverly brushed her finger over his nose.
"But we don't have to get married tonight, do we?"
She asked laughing teasing him the way she usually teased him. Jean Luc laughed with her and shook his head.
"No my love. Tomorrow will do!"
She nodded and then let herself be pulled into the arms of her lover.