Elizabeth sat in silence, the only sound was the buzz of the staff, and a gentle hum of her computer fan. She looked at the clock on the wall, 3:37. The sun was still out, and the world around her was alive and working. Pushing for protection, democracy, human rights, climate change, food security, and over all the care of not just citizens within the United States, but globally.
She felt the weight of that globe rest heavy on her shoulders, a strange sadness from the stress of her... everything. She put her head in her hands as she focused on taking long slow breaths. She felt lost, but, how could she? Secretary of State for the United States of America, not some emotional woman who wanted world peace and fresh coffee. She felt like she had a hole in the center of her chest, Yet, things had to get done.
Tea, she thought, tea would help. Drumming her hands on her desk she figured if she could drag herself to get through part of the large binder detailing how State would lose even more funding she could leave at 5 with everyone else.
Slowly, she stood, and made a cup of tea. The warm mug, the steam, the scent of delicious Earl Grey surrounding her brought her comfort. It wrapped the loneliness around her making a blanket. A strange and gentle comfort. Taking a quick stop to turn off her office light, she returned to her desk, the sunlight was strong enough to light the room and see her work.
Sitting back at her desk, she opened the thick binder, she prepared herself. Her eyes started to dance across the page as she held the mug in both hands, taking slow sips of the hot tea. The world faded, and feel quiet, the clock ticked, and pages softly rustled as they fell to the other side of the binder. Finally, Elizabeth set down an empty mug taking off her glasses she rubbed her eyes. The outside world was going dark as the sun was setting, the office was quiet as the staff took the early day they were promised. The clock on the wall said it was 5:20. It was time to go, but she was stuck to her seat watching the flashing light from her computer monitor. A gurgling growl, a hungry stomach reminding Elizabeth she had planned on burritos.
Walking, she returned her mug to the tray and did a slow loop back to her desk to back her bag and get her coat. Lost in thought, no not thought, consciousness. Looking out her window she mind's eye was everywhere. Thinking about a nerdy kid that wanted to change the world someday, that same kid that missed her parents desperately, the young woman that worked like mad to get through college and started to make that change working for the CIA, then as a professor. Elizabeth was thinking about the first day she taught, how nervous she was but those faces, those brilliant minds that were so eager.
"Ma'am?" Nadine said quietly as she poked her head through the door. Even after hours they agreed it was safer for her to be formal when she entered in the event anyone overheard. But Elizabeth was so lost she didn't even hear her. Nadine tiptoed her way over to Elizabeth, admiring the powerful silhouette against the dim light. "Hey" Nadine said quietly as she wrapped her arms around Elizabeth.
Elizabeth shook her head, slowly sinking back into the present. Nadine, her sweet Nadine, was before her with a smile and perfect lips waiting to be kissed. "I didn't even hear you, I am so sorry I was so lost in thought I just…"
Nadine cut her off with a kiss "Just what? Needed time to reconnect all the parts of your busy brain?" Elizabeth gave a weak smile as she looked down at the floor. "Elizabeth, what's going on?" Nadine shifted so Elizabeth had to look at her.
"Nothing."
"Come on, please?" Nadine caught Elizabeth's cheek in her left hand, guiding her to look at her, she knew there was something wrong, she saw it in Elizabeth's face, her whole demeanor was off. She held onto her, afraid if she let her go she would simply, vanish. "You look upset, is it the department? Me?" Those big brown sensitive, caring eyes, flashed fear.
"It is definitely not you or the department." Elizabeth took off her glasses and folded them, fidgeting with them as she looked for words. "Sometimes, I get this sinking feeling in my chest, it's a combination of loneliness and sadness, and I feel like I am not present in my own skin, I am everywhere else. I see my past, I see the woman I was and the trials and triumphs it brought. I see where I am now, and I see where I want to be in the future…" her thought trailed off as Nadine held her tighter, pulling her into a tightest hug her arms could offer. "I just… I don't even know, am I significant? Am I important?" She tried to walk away from Nadine's grasp, tried to find a way that she could hide in this envelope of the full emptiness and melt away.
"Elizabeth, you are everything" Nadine whispered, she was slowly wrapping her mind around what Elizabeth had told her, and Nadine felt her own heartbreak. "Elizabeth you are my everything. You are amazing, you are the person who is tearing down international norms and changing the playing field, you are the whole reason Dalton won a second term, you are a wild card and keeping people on their toes. You taught and changed the lives of your students, you were a CIA agent and I don't actually know what you did but I know you brought justice home, you have an adorable horse farm…. And above all, Elizabeth, I can't imagine my life without you. I don't know what validation or answer can help but I do know I am here for you and I love you, always."
Nadine kissed Elizabeth, pulling her in by the collar of her shirt, she would give Elizabeth the world if it would cheer her up. She just hoped that her kiss told her that. It must have, because Elizabeth returned the kiss. Hard, fast, and desperate as she gently nibbled at Nadine's lip. Alive, in the place she stood right now, right where she needed to be, loved.
"Nadine?" she looked up at Elizabeth as she said her name. The rich, low, almost lusty way that sent chills down Nadine's spine every time. "Thank you."
"For what?" Nadine asked.
"For being you and loving this hot mess."
"You are far from a mess, but you are incredibly hot" Nadine said jokingly. "I think we need to go to the catch all cheer up and get some greasy delicious food and snuggle." she offered her hand out as she said it. Inviting Elizabeth to partake in a glorious pastime.
"Lead the way, although…" her voice dropped to a whisper "I can't promise I will stop at just snuggling."
"I would hope so…" Nadine chucked. Walking hand in hand out to the 7th floor elevator, the pair waited in quiet comfort. "Elizabeth?" Nadine asked as the elevator pinged and the doors opened. "I promise everything will be alright."
Walking into the elevator, "I know it will be, because I have you. The best girlfriend and chief of staff ever." Elizabeth answered, "You and me, we are stuck like glue"