AN: hey ok I'm back and I'm trying my first song-fic. I know I'm a bitch for not updating my other story that I currently have out. Sorry about that, I'll try to have the next chapter out soon. I've just been extremely busy with school and crap like that. I just have one more thing to say BUTTERFLY! YOU ARE GOING TO DIE!

Disclaimer: For goodness sake I don't own it already. Don't you people get tired of seeing these? I know I do!

Waste

Artist: Staind

By: Crystal Shard


I stand there in the entrance to my apartment, as I watch her tears roll down her face like a river. I don't know why she's here. I don't even know her, so I ask my self "why is she here?" She continues to stand there, crying, breaking down like a broken bird. I have no words for her as she continues to speak to me about him.

"He talked a great deal about you. Always admired you, always wanted to be like you."

I can only stare at her small form seeming even smaller from her tears and depression. Finally, realizing that she is still in the hall I invite her in. I don't know what to tell her, I don't know what she wants. She only continues to talk about him. I can't understand why she's here-I hardly knew him. 

Your mother came up to me

She wanted answers only she should know

Only she should know

It wasn't easy to deal with the tears that rolled down her face.

I watch carefully as she sits on the couch and wipes her tears with her palms. I still don't understand. So far all I know is that her son had taken his own life. He was angry, that much I could understand, having been angry my entire life. Still why is she here? Yes I knew him, but only by reputation. He was a quite kid not very talkative-like me. However, he made friends with great ease. I would always see him in the halls of Azabu Institute surrounded by friends and girls who wanted to go out with him, yet he was always so solemn- like it was all hollow to him, all a façade.

There was one time that I had seen him really smile. I had been running late for a class because of a discussion I had had with a professor. As I rushed around the corner, I didn't see him and almost knocked him over. He only stood there as I apologized in my own serious and calm demeanor. He only looked up at me and smiled as he continued walking, whispering as he passed "no worries".

Never again did I run into him or speak to him but from that moment forth, I always felt something about him. His smile seemed so pained much like mine had been so long ago. His eyes strangely spoke to me. However, I still don't know what they meant.

Now here I am sitting with a woman whom thinks that I knew him, that I was a close friend. I guess he never told her that he had never spoken to me. I wonder why he would tell her about me instead of all the others that were normally around him. I just can't understand. I have nothing to say, nothing to comfort her with-so I listen. Listen to her cries and her torments, hoping that it will help.

I had no answers

'cause I didn't even know you.

But these words- they can't replace

The life you, the life you waste.

I listen closely as she talks about him. About what a good boy he was what a studious and shy person he was. She cried as she said it all. Strangely I wondered why? Why would some one be so selfish? To leave her this way because of his own ordeals was his life so terrible that he couldn't bear it anymore? It is obvious that she loves him that he was loved. I felt my anger grow and still I remained quiet.

he didn't have to grow up alone! TO live a life where you didn't even remember who you were! he didn't loose his parents at age six and have to live from orphanage to orphange, not being loved, not having a family, or a past! he had no right! To do this- to be so selfish, toleave her in so much pain and leave her to wonder- why?

How could you paint this picture? Was life as bad as it should seem that

There were no more options for you?

Realization set into my mind. How selfish could I be? It isn't his fault I lived a crummy life. I have no right to judge him; I didn't know him- didn't even know his name. I listen to her again. She speaks so highly of him, that I wonder why he did what he did. She says to me how much fun he was. How he would always put others before him, never expecting anything in return. I smile as I watch her reminisce about him.

Apparently she is too depressed and dejected to realize the depth of her words. I listen; bewildered to the revelations that she brings up. I listen intently as she speaks of how he would lock himself in his room. How she would cry every time she looked into his eyes and say such despair. She couldn't understand why he was so lost in the void. She says I have that same look in my eyes only; they don't have the same hopelessness that he had.

I can't explain how I feel

I've been there many times before.

I've tasted the cold steel of my life crashing down before me

But these words they can't replace the life you,

The life you waste

I can't take it. The way she describes him reminds me of myself. If only she knew how deep the wound of my hopelessness was. It is only because I fought that I no longer have such a longing darkness within me. I fought and waited till I found her- the angel of my life. She gave me strength, gave me the love, the family, the future that I wanted. That I longed for all my life, it was because of her that I am not in a grave right now.

So many times I had thought of ending it all. Having grown with out love to now receive it in such large doses. It stills scares me, I can't seem to understand it, yet I'm comp ailed to return it in even larger amounts.

I now sit here, next to her listening to her describe, his desire to satisfy his father. His father loved him of course, very much. Unfortunately he always expected him to succeed to excel where he had been unsuccessful. Where the father has failed, he had made sure the son would not. She cried even more at this. He always tried to be what he wanted, sacrificing friends, relationships, and opportunities all for him. All for a father who took his love to manipulate him-I'm disgusted. 

Did daddy not love you?

Or did he love you just too much?

Did he control you?

Did he live through you at your cost?

Did he leave no question for you to answer on your own?

I hate it all! The manipulation the abuse! Why?! Why should anyone have to live it all? I hate to see her there crying her eyes out at the sins of others. It isn't her fault he left. It isn't her fault his father is a controlling bastard. Why should she suffer? Why does anyone have to suffer?

I don't know why he did it. What does she want from me! Telling me all of this, I don't know him. I should just tell her. But then, she'll be crushed; she'll know he was lying. I don't want to hurt her more than she already is. I brush my fingers through my hair in frustration. I don't know what to do.

I look at her, crying, sobbing, miserable. Why? I ask for the hundredth time. Why did he stop fighting? He gave up, a coward, afraid to face the future. He didn't fight his scheming father. He let them all win; everyone who has not had an once of pain of sorrow in their lives-he's proved them right. THE BASTARD! I hate it all. Why am I here listening to this woman? It isn't my concern I didn't know him. In my eyes he's a coward, he stopped fighting, stopped trying.

Well fuck them

And fuck her,

And fuck him,

And fuck you!

For not having the strength in your heart to pull through!

I've had doubts,

I have failed, I've fucked up,

I've had plans,

Doesn't mean I should take my life with my own hands!

I understand him I really do. I know its tough it's hard. But still it doesn't give him the right. To leave to quit to leave her here in front of me crying in agony over him, over his lack of will.

I'm startled from my thoughts as she stands and pleading at my heart asks me "was it me? Did I do something to push him away? Did he hate me?"

I understand now. I understand why he told her about me more than any. I know now what he had said to me with his eyes that day. "At least you've won this battle." That's what he meant. He and I- we were fighting the same demons the same battle. Only he knew that I had conquered them.

She was here because of him. He had known that he would fail and wanted someone like him, who knew what to say. I don't need to know him because I already know his battered soul. She needs me to reassure her of her role in it all. To tell her why, why he had done it, why he couldn't stay with her. So what is holding me back? I can't seem to open my mouth to tell her. Is it because I'm not sure I know or because I would be condoning his decision? I have to make a choice. If I don't tell her she'll only live in anguish for the rest of her life and blame herself. If I do, I'll be condoning his actions and my words will only comfort but not heal her broken heart. I need to make a decision.

But these words they can't replace

The life you-

The life you waste.

I've decided. As I reach to her hands and lift them up, she looks up at my eyes and I brace myself.

"No, you did nothing wrong. It isn't your fault. Some of us win the battles over our demons. I guess he just fought so long but in the end they conquered him. He loved you very much, I'm sure he doesn't want you to hurt for him. Be happy. Because even though he's gone he was always joyful with you and loved you very much. It was his own turmoil that caught up with him. Sometimes our darkness consumes us and the only way to be free is to let the light come for you and that is what he did. He's happy now he's free. Let him have his escape."

She looks up at me, her tears had stopped and she searched for genuineness in my words. I look down at her, finally seeing her bright green eyes clearly. She smiles lightly as she utters one small phrase before hugging me.

"Thank you Chiba-san"


AN: Well what do you think. Is it good for my first song-fic? I hope you like it. I'm great at writing angst. Anyway please email me I'd love to know your opinion on this.

darkgirl6@excite.com