A Cheerful Lament; a Size of Hearts
It was another sunny day, Mom. I was happily hanging the laundry outside on the upper back porch. It may seem like a dull chore to do, but for me, Tohru Honda, it was a well rounded responsibility, one I'm happy doing for the people I live with.
Oh, and just in case anyone happens to be listening (I don't know how, but anything is possible), I have quite a story to tell. Well, first off, I'll start with what's been happening to me now, and then tell another amazing thing that happened. Some time ago, I lost you in a car accident and ended living in a tent all by myself. It didn't bother me that there were bugs, nasty weather or any stalkers that were around, I was determined to earn and live on my own at that time, but, when I met the Sohmas for the first time, Shigure, and his cousin, Yuki, the prince of my high school, they kindly allowed me to live with them. But in exchange for keeping the house clean and cooking for them. I'm not really their maid or anything, but I felt so grateful for them taking care of me like that; it just makes me so happy.
It was later that I met Kyo, another Sohma, when I realized they kept a terrible, but amazing secret. They're cursed by the vengeful spirits of the Chinese Zodiac and turn into the Zodiac animals whenever they become weak or are hugged by the opposite gender. It was strange to them that an outsider like me knew of this, so I promised not to tell anyone else about it for fear of erasing my memories away of them. I felt so honored to be there for them that I kept my word.
I should also mention of more people meaningful to me but who also should be meaningful to themselves. Kagura, the boar, always carried a cat backpack purse she made, as she really likes Kyo ever since they were children. I'll admit she can be very aggressive, but she is caring none the less. She is also a few of the girls in the Zodiac that can hug other members of the Zodiac without changing. She's a little older than me with black short hair. Momiji is a really cute boy and the rabbit. His mother had her memories of him removed because she couldn't bare the curse of her son. Even though it hurts, Momiji wants his mother to be happy; I can understand that. He has blonde hair and just like his little sister, Momo, whom he also watches from afar.
Hatori is good friends with Shigure, a doctor with the spirit of the dragon. He never seems to smile as much and only takes care of the Sohma family; mostly for Akito, the recluse head of the Zodiac. He also has been through a lot of hardship he doesn't express, but somehow he keeps a clear head, finding his own path as well. Hatsuharu (Haru) is the ox; he seems calm on the outside but his anger gets the best of him and becomes a completely different person; like the saying: as different as night and day. I was so surprised that he and Momiji were the same age and now attending the school Yuki, Kyo and I go to. He also cares very deeply for Isuzu, the horse personality, but she never wants him near her even though it pains her to. Then there's Yuki's older brother, Ayame, a snake who owns a costume shop. Just looking at him you could tell Yuki would look like him when he grows up, but Ayame is more outgoing and gets on Yuki's nerves. Inside, he wants to make amends with his brother for how harsh he treated him years ago. I still hope they can meet half way someday.
Kisa is a cute little girl with carrot orange hair. Very soft spoken for the lion spirit, she was poorly teased by her classmates to the point were she couldn't talk. Since meeting her, she very much enjoys my company, following me around like a duckling to its mother as Shigure once pointed out. Both Kisa and Hiro, the sheep, love each other so much, but Akito refused this love. Hiro defended Kisa and got hurt in the process. He can seem very critical and acts like a grown up a lot, but he is still a boy trying to find his own strength. Ritsu is the monkey and offspring of the Sohma spa spring owner. Very much so like his mother, his outburst explodes constantly and apologizes for just about everything. But he is very comfortable and strong when he wears women's kimono's; I guess some people have to have things to hang on to if they don't want to get lost to know how they view themselves.
I am at times concerned about Isuzu. Her parents refused to love her anymore and pretended to be a happy family despite the consequence of the curse. Akito hurts too many times, sending her to the hospital. It was because her and Haru's relationship was forbidden as well. Kagura and her mom were kind enough to let her live with them, but I still wish for them the best, and for Isuzu to know she isn't alone and worthy of love. Finally, there is Kureno, a close companion of Akito's. Even though he's the rooster, the curse was lifted from him years ago. He tries to see the world on his own, but somehow is still tied to Akito. Maybe Akito needing something more than Kureno could provide for himself.
We've all had some hard times together, along with a couple of clashes I had with Akito. He has so much pent up anger in him and rules the Zodiac members closely, but I feel deep down, that he's hurting somehow and is lonely. I hope to one day if I could, just maybe, bring some happiness into his life, wondering even more about the curse.
For now, I'm still getting over what happened to me recently and it's just as strange and amazing as knowing these great people. This one story happened after I learned the "true nature" of the curse. I wasn't feeling so well at the time, but I didn't want anyone else to see me that way, I didn't want to burden with me getting sick again. It was enough that I had visitors the time I fainted and stayed in bed with a fever.
A summer carnival opened up not too far from the one Sohma house owned by Shigure that I live in. The school already sponsored theirs and there wasn't any news of an upcoming carnival either. But the paper said that it was a traveling one, going from place to place, and they perform magic acts and sell sweets. I thought it would be fun to go to this one; I never really saw magic acts before. I also hoped that Kyo and Yuki would go too, that is if it was okay with them. Yuki was more than happy as always to come along, and then Kyo decided he wanted to go too, but said it wasn't for the magic acts. So maybe he had his own reasons that he wanted to come.
Momiji and Kisa heard of the carnival and also wanted to come; this was gonna be so much fun with all of us! By late afternoon, all five of us were looking at the stands that sold powdered cakes and smelling grilled fish in the air from the other stalls. But the sweets were excellent, maybe better than the ones I've made! There were people that ate fire (Doesn't it look dangerous?!), twisted themselves (they looked like pretzels!), walked on ropes over nails on a unicycle (isn't that even more dangerous??), and a magician that pulled rabbits out of his hat. I could hear Momiji say that he's glad he didn't transform into a rabbit and be mistaken for one in the act!
There were other vendors that sold special drinks, "potions" that can help other people out. Maybe one that can help me about the Zodiac curse, maybe even make me smarter about what to do. Yet Kyo said it was a waste and a scam to buy them, Yuki then said to Kyo that he could never try them anyway because it wouldn't benefited him, which surprised me that Kyo needed help like that. And I guess Kyo didn't see it the same way and badgered back.
One man, wearing a wrapped hat on his head and in a loose-fitting cloak called for me. I was surprised for a second that he addressed me the way he did. His voice sounded weird, like he swallowed oil while speaking in a polite way. He wanted me to try a perfume, from a purple crystal glass that was beautiful, but I wasn't sure if I wanted to. I mean I don't normally wear perfume and what if someone didn't like the smell or it was too strong, I didn't want to be rude by that, but yet I didn't want to be rude to him either. Before I could decide to try it, a cloud of pink smoke covered my face, making me cough; did he spray me by accident? I waved the smoke off, but the strange thing was that it didn't have an odor to it, like I was caught in a fog in a strange dream. The man apologized to me for being hasty and offered a thin crystal vial in red, saying it was a one of his special makings that can help wounds and other "disturbances" as he put it.
It was then getting dark out, as we all left for home. It turned out to be a fun day; I didn't tell the others about what happened earlier and worry them about it, keeping the small bag close to me. Back home, I made sukiyaki with rice for dinner, and was complimented again by Shigure for my cooking, and his gratefulness for having me in his home. Kyo and Yuki didn't look quite right when they looked at Shigure. A big smile was on my face when all of a sudden, I felt so dizzy and slowly fell back to the floor.
Yuki rushed to my side, calling "Honda-san" out to me, I thought I could hear him and Kyo arguing of how to help me and telling each other they were doing it wrong. I mean, I heard all this, them yelling and Shigure talking on the phone for Hatori, but it sounded and looked very hazy. My vision cleared up and saw Yuki with a troubled face looking over me that quickly became calmer, as he slowly helped me sit up. Now his face was pained, like he was lifting something very heavy. It couldn't be me!? Did I really weigh that much; was I that heavy??
Kyo looked at me in a funny way. Maybe I was standing up instead because I could see directly at his eyes, yet I never could see them directly. Yuki also looked at me the same way, so shocked, and he was looking up at me. As it turned out, even sitting on my legs, I was taller than both of them! Shigure dropped the phone from his hand and looked at me. I was feeling nervous and embarrassed by them looking at me that way. I stuttered and tried to speak, but before I could say anything, my shoulders were going up against the ceiling of the room and I was getting so nervous that I might break the house apart. Our table was pushed aside, Kyo and Yuki already out of the way. It was my legs that pushed everything back! The room was getting so small! And I'm certain this was like that story I read when I was a little girl, where the girl drank or ate something and became bigger, so big that she took up a room or a hallway. I didn't understand then what was happening to me; what was going on??
Both Yuki and Kyo looked surprised and confused as to what was happening to me. And I thought I felt Shigure near my left leg, since he muttered something and they were getting mad at him, which made me more nervous. (I heard later that Shigure was happy that he was next to me when it happened.) There wasn't anything I could do to stop this. All that happened was things breaking apart, walls cracking, my head peaking from the roof. The roof?? I was already outside?? But it didn't stop, I kept right on growing. But more amazing was that I was still dressed, surely something else would rip or break. My shoulders then appeared outside, in the cool night, seeing the trees, nothing else in sight which was a good thing at the moment. When I thought it would just keep going forever, I finally stopped, just like the girl did, except I was probably much bigger than her! What was I going to do?!
It took a while for me to climb out of the dining room without breaking anything else, hearing Kyo cry out before I ended up stepping on him; it was too embarrassing. I brought my legs out at a time of the large cracked hole and stood on the ground outside, in my socks and my hands and arms clasped together. It was chillier than I would've expected it that night as I stood there. The guys were still stunned by what happened to me, as they were now outside with me; I felt like crying then; I didn't know what to do.
When Hatori arrived, Shigure calmly explained something before exactly saying what happened, but Hatori was wide-eyed when he saw the mess. It was then he was ushered outside and saw me, sitting on the ground, my legs outward, too shaky to speak. Shigure gestured to him to not faint on me, but Hatori seemed to ignore it as he took my pulse, but the funny thing was; he used two of his hands just to feel my pulse.
"Our little Tohru…isn't so little anymore," Shigure cried, even though Kyo and Yuki looked at him like he was making it up. Hatori did everything he could as a doctor, but found nothing unusual about me, which caused Kyo to yell out that something was unusual about me, that girls don't becomes giants. Was that I was now? But Hatori wanted to take my blood to make sure; Shigure suggested using the water hose at the side of the house, which caused Yuki to bop him on the head. He did draw my blood, but very slowly, careful that he wanted to get enough from his needle, which seemed too tiny for me to see, even in the dark.
He only suggested to me to relax and try to sleep; the others asked of where they were going to sleep angrily. It was my fault that they almost lost their home, and for how ungrateful I was that I was given one and just destroyed it like that… it was too much on me. My eyes welled up and my tears fell, like I was making my own river of tears. Shigure tried to calm me down, saying that it could never be my fault, not even for this; Hatori firmly asked me to calm down and not get worked up over it, other wise it could be worse with my "condition", which made me wheezed more.
Yuki himself said that it will be alright, that even this can be fixed somehow. My face felt so hot, but I rubbed my eyes and stopped as much as I could and wiping my wet cheeks. They were being so nice to me again, but I totally wrecked their home, where I called home. I felt so bad and confused; how can I ever be forgiven for this? I did the worst thing I could imagine, and I didn't mean to grow like that; I don't even know how that could happen? I thought giants existed in fairy tales and the Beanstalk story. Did that mean I would…? No, I can't think that. I wanted to be helpful; I wanted to pay for my own mess, but I'm sure it would cost a lot, maybe a whole year's rent to pay for Shigure's house! I'm in such a wreck, Mom, what could I do?
Everything seemed so weird and out of place. Blankets had to be borrowed from the other Sohma homes and stitched together; there must've been hard working people there to do that, as I was given it an hour later. The blankets were thin (or I thought they were), but were the best I've been given and it wasn't terribly cold out, so that was good. It really wasn't new or bothersome, as I was used to sleeping outside anyway. But given what happened already, it did feel nice to have the luxury of a house, especially one that isn't destroyed by one person alone. I can make do without a pillow just fine, even if bushes can be pointy and very small.
The designs on the blankets were very beautiful; some were red and stitched in gold, others had blue with strings sewn to look like birds along the wind, carrying sticks. There were rats and cows and tigers on many sides; I also found snakes and rabbits and dogs; very familiar, along with the other zodiac animals, the dragons, the sheeps, the roosters, monkeys, horses and boars. Then, there was a cut out image of the cat, orange and its tail outward; it looked very ragged, the bits of the sheet seemed to blanket him. He looked so peaceful; unaware that he wasn't going to the banquet tomorrow…
Oh my… I must've been very tired myself. The cat looked so very tired and carefree and the other animals were already on their way. I could seem them very clearly, even though I was wrapped up in the large blanket, the size that I am now, trying to get to sleep soon. But I swore I saw them there, moving along the curving path; the rat on top of the cow's head, smiling as ever.
As the group joined at the top on the trail, there stood God, waiting for them with arms opened; small lovely food filled the little tables. I could see everyone of the Zodiac I've come to know: Shigure, Yuki, Hatsuharu, Ayame, Kagura, Kisa, Hiro, Hatori, Kureno, Ritsu, Momiji, and Isuzu in that seating order. I was so sad and hoped to see Kyo there finally, friends among the others…well, at least if they wanted to.
The poor cat was still asleep. Never knowing how to be with others. The cat and I are very much alike; so much that I wanted to be in the Year of the Cat instead of the Dog (sorry, Shigure!) and making a Year of the Cat club if I could. I saw the many sides of Kyo no one ever saw or wanted to see; a terrible image… but, one that wasn't hard to understand. It looked scary on the outside but there was something else inside. A person or creature with pain, misery, longing, like it didn't mean to be bad even though it never did anything wrong; it just wanted someone to be there for them. I care deeply for all these people cursed by the same thing, but… could I even say it? I cared even more for the one that was left behind and you too. What would you think if there was someone else I felt this feeling for, maybe even more than you? I just couldn't let you die that way; I never did anything to help you when you were alive! I hope you'll forgive me now more than ever. I can not not let it bother me! You can't die again!
It was then I found the cat blinking its eyes awake. He turned to me, eyes wide yet curious. He slipped out of his bed and walked slowly up to me, recognizing me despite how big I was then. He leapt along my hand, up my arm and approached my face, licking my cheek and chin. I could have sworn you were also there, mom. By my side, patting my head and hugging me as tight as I remember how you hugged me. The cat must've been microscopic compared to you; even larger than me. It felt warm and soft, between being kissed and hugged, by the cat and by you. The pink smoke appeared again when the vendor at the carnival sprayed it out in the open, as I got a whiff of it with its no smell. Then, I realized something. All my thoughts about you and Kyo were there when it happened. Maybe the smoke really was magical. And Kyo did appear, except he pulled me away, worried, I think, that he didn't want the vendor to take advantage of me. I never did get the red vial, even though the vendor didn't seem to have one of that color.
I was so confused then; what was going on again? Was I really dreaming all along? Would it now actually happen like I saw it? Felling dizzy, going through the roof, Hatori checking me as I was too big and outside in the night air? But, it was a relief that none of it happened that way. I made dinner like I always did for my Sohma housemates, Yuki and Kyo argued as always and Shigure just playfully ignored it. Hard to believe that anything could ever be different; although I kept going back to that dream, at least I think it can be called that if you weren't in bed asleep. There was something about the cat and you mom I tried to see. It seemed you two didn't mind being there. And I could've sworn the cat became Kyo again when he brought me back to our group at the carnival. You looked at the cat like you wanted it there; no one torn by it, wanting to share everything about me.
And now, as I clip the last of the sheets on the line, with a gust coming again, everything just seemed so warm and relaxing. Looking back, I'm not the only one who has suffered. The Sohma's have anguished for centuries, maybe even more than that. I guess it was different for them to see someone who knows of the family secret and saw beyond the animals. Even if I never knew the curse or secrets, I would still see them as I've known them. Kyo still crossed my mind, his heart scarred just as much; I wondered if there was something more I can do for him, or for all of them. I only want for them what they have given me, mom, just like you did for me. Then, it hit me. I think I know how to go about the curse; a way of finding out how to, dare I say or if it's possible, even break it. If Kureno can do it, so can Kyo or Yuki or Kisa or all of them. I picked up my basket and walked back onto the porch, shutting the screen with my face smiling as ever, as big as, well, as I once was.