A/N: Written for the 100_tales challenge at lj, #35 – birth.
Being Told
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No-one's laughing at her. No-one's even noticed anything different, but somehow this is worse.
Stupid, stupid, stupid, she chants to herself. Why couldn't she have broken free and run off? Why couldn't she have been strong enough to say "no" and keep at it. Because she caved, because she always caved –
No-one even notices the wince as she sits down. But she notices something that distracts her, for a bit.
Jintan is sitting in the seat in front of her.
A smile spreads on her face. A smile that quickly grows bitter.
He's finally come, but she can't bring herself to care right then.
And he doesn't turn around as she opens her bag and starts pulling books out.
.
She goes out with her friends after school like they always go, and she's intentionally vague when they press her for details. Oh, she tells them all the "juicy" stuff. Everything they want to hear. Everything a girl should brag about – but, inside, she doesn't really feel like it's the sort of thing to brag about. She does anyway because that's what they're asking, what they're wanting.
She still hasn't learnt to say no. If only…
But that won't happen.
What will it take? she wonders with a little mental laugh. When someone tells me to walk off a cliff or stab someone with a butter knife?
But who's going to tell her that? It's a peaceful place they live in. Too peaceful. Too few people die. Maybe that's why they're burned so deeply into the hearts of those they leave behind. Auntie – Jintan's mother – and Menma…maybe that's why they struck so deeply, because there was no-one else to soften the blow. There's nothing drastic to make her say "no" and she needs that something drastic.
She won't ever learn to say no, it looks like.
And she laughs. No-one thinks anything strange of it because they're laughing too, for an entirely different reason.
And she wonders if they'll give up their virginity as easily too.
Then again, they're the ones who apply the pressure. Not the ones who cave to it.
.
Jintan disappears again and she can't help but feel annoyed – but no-one else says anything, save the sparse comment about how he's hiding from the world and rotting away, and she just leaves it be. She's tried. It's his choice whether he comes or stays wrapped up in his dead-beat fantasy world with a ghostly Menma.
She's glad that, apart from Poppo, the others don't believe him. So she doesn't have to believe him either. It's not quite the majority rule but its close enough. She knows she can't have denied that if the others had all unanimously believed.
If only Jintan could have let go of Menma –
But she knows it's no use being mad at him. It's not his fault she's gone this way. He'd even come, that day. One day too late. But she'd never told him. And he'd been too wrapped up in Menma. Still was.
And now she was a different sort of wrapped up.
.
Her phone never seems to be quiet, these days. If it isn't her girl friends looking for some new detail about her relationship, it's the boy himself. If it's not either of them, it's Poppo trying to convince her that Menma had really returned. Like he even had proof. He'd been tricked by the crossdressing. All of them except Jintan had been tricked by the crossdressing. But still he persisted.
And then one day he tells her that he and Jintan had gone to the Honma house, and Menma's mother had given them Menma's diary. And now they're trying to save up for fireworks, since Jintan's dad had an acquaintance coming for the festival that could help them.
It's such a ridiculous idea, but it sounded like both Poppo and Jintan are both working hard.
She feels bad – but she tells herself it was only because she hasn't talked to Yukiatsu and Tsuroko and heard their opinion. And that feeling doesn't last long because she bumps into Yukiatsu later – again, too late to be her knight in shining armour.
But thanks to him, she manages to get a free night. And a pissed off boyfriend. And his opinion on Menma's ghost.
.
She doesn't know why she bothers trying to smooth things over with her boyfriend, especially after dragging herself to school after a vomiting spell that morning, but she does. Maybe because he's so pressing. Maybe because her friends are so pressing. Maybe because she knows he has a nasty streak underneath that handsome face. Maybe because Jintan's wrapped up with Menma and Yukiatsu's just asking her out for his own convenience because he's all wrapped up with Menma too…
Or maybe because she hasn't got a good enough reason to just say no. She's in love with someone she can never have after all, so what does it matter who she makes love to?
But then she throws up one too many times and has a sneaking suspicion that now she has a very good reason not to lose him. Even though she'll probably lose a lot of other friends now. And maybe even him.
.
Jintan calls for the first time since forever, but he's chosen an awful time to call.
Actually, she reconsiders. It's not that bad. After all, she's skipping school after the fiasco in the morning, and hiding out at home. Her parents aren't home yet but if they become too much, she'll escape to the hideout. That's always been a safe place. Just a lonely one hung up on the past, thanks to Menma. And he's better than the whispers at school, the disappointed speech by the principal and her friends' scorning words. And they'd been the ones to pressure her. The ones who'd wanted all the details.
But she'd sort of known things would turn out that way. It always does, but she still can't get past it.
But now…what's going to happen now?
At least Jintan's request is an innocent one. He wants to know if she can help him get a job where she works. She can. It's easy, actually, since the owner's been after some extra help. And even though she knows why he needs the job, she doesn't say anything.
She's going to be needing her job for a seemingly stupid reason now too.
Unless he or her parents, or both, tell her to get rid of the baby.
Is she going to go along with that if they do? she wonders. Does she even want the baby? Will it be murder if it's an abortion, if it's saving some face?
And why is she suddenly thinking about Menma again?
It's Jintan's phone call. It must be Jintan's phone call.
.
Her parents are surprisingly supportive. Her boyfriend is not, but her dad's there to give a few choice words and, perhaps unintentionally, stop her from getting swayed by him. Because her parents are the dominating power in the household. And they don't tell her whether to keep the baby or abort it. They just say it's her choice.
And in her home, with her phone suddenly silent, she can make that choice.
Even if it's still not for the right reasons.
Because she's pretty sure her parents will be disappointed if she aborts. Just like they're disappointed with her carelessness. And about the Super Peace Busters.
The Super Peace Busters…
She glances at her phone.
It rings, startling her.
But she frowns a little when she sees the caller ID. Yukiatsu.
What does he want?
.
It turns out he just wants to talk, and it's not a bad thing because he's far more understanding and sympathetic than her friends from school.
He's sympathetic – but he's also cold. But how can she say no to his proposition? She's never learnt to.
Everyone just suspects. No-one knows. She did leave with Yukiatsu that night and her boyfriend – ex-boyfriend – can vouch for that. And at least they're both clear on how they feel. She's still in love with Jintan. He's still in love with Menma. Nothing's going to change that. Not even if Menma's ghost turns out to be the truth.
Because she's seen the fruit of both of their obsession. Jintan, falling from exhaustion. Yukiatsu, dressing as Menma to keep her image alive, himself becoming the ghost. Of course, her parents know the truth. She's already told them. But having someone willing to shoulder the weight with her does make it easier to bear, despite the reasons.
She meets with the others. Jintan looks dumbfounded, but says Menma's excited. A stupid reaction, but it just goes to show that Jintan'll never let go and there's no point waiting for him. Tsuruko's the surprise. She seems angry, somehow. But why? What does Tsuruko have to be angry about? Why is she yelling?
Why is she returning the screams?
Why are they fighting?
.
Menma's ghost is real. She can scarcely believe it, after doing such a good job of believing elsewise. But the messages are there, in her handwriting and they weren't there before.
Actually, she has no proof the first time since she hadn't seen the diary, but she sees the words being written before her eyes.
Tsuruko chokes back a sob and turns, and then leaves.
No-one follows her.
And she can't help but feel a little bad because she knows that, if she runs off like that, she wants Jintan to follow. Just like Menma wanted to follow Jintan.
.
They work together, now that they have their proof, their reason to believe. She's perhaps the most half-hearted of them because it doesn't change anything. Not now. Its too late, far too late, for things to change.
The fireworks go off. The truth comes out – all the things they'd been keeping wrapped up, all the guilt. And she finally understands Tsuruko. Tsuruko who loves Yukiatsu like she loves Jintan. Tsuruko who's got no chance because Yukiatsu loves Menma, and he's picked a replacement in her and she can't say no.
But Tsuruko also understands that the situation's beyond who likes who by this point. So she's upset, and angry, and jealous (and she confesses she's always been jealous) but she understands, and she'll be as supportive as she can. And she is. She's got her head on straight and she's smart and strong and logical – more logical than Yukiatsu. And stronger than her. There were a lot of times she could have said no.
They all learn a lot about each other that afternoon.
They also lose Menma that afternoon.
At least they see her this time. And say goodbye.
Maybe now they can truly move on.
.
Three months later, she stopped coming to school. Jintan, surprisingly, brought all the schoolwork to her. And they studied together: Jintan who'd essentially missed two trimesters, and she who was missing the last one. And Yukiatsu who made sure to act like the dutiful boyfriend and tutor both of them.
She'd been a little concerned about that arrangement, since Yukiatsu and Jintan haven't been getting along recently, much like her and Tsuruko. But Menma and the fireworks have cleared that up as well. Time goes on. Obediently, she keeps up with school, passes her exams, and carries an extra weight around with her. Things are actually…nice, now. She can't bring herself to mind how things have turned out.
Except Menma. Because Menma might be able to rest in peace now, but she's still dead.
And then, at the end of spring, she gives birth. And it's a baby with blue eyes and full cheeks and a tuff of silvery hair that both makes her freeze and fall in love.
She knows it's probably not possible, but she keeps the thought to herself so no-one can tell her that and she can believe it just a little bit longer.
And she names the baby "Meiko". For Menma – for Meiko Honma.
And, maybe, she's the reason she needs to learn how to say "no".
Or maybe she's already learnt it, in this wild year.