Title: Refuse to Feel (Anything at All): Prequel
Author: Kyra
Rating: PG
Archive: Well Sure! All press is good press!
Feedback: Please…please…I'm dying…
Summary: Some of the events that occured before the full story played out. Xanatos must accept some things before he can move on.
Warnings: If you don't read this, you will die. Seriously.
Disclaimer: This was the original beginning of 'Refuse to Feel' but I opted out of it. I didn't like how it started off, and the beginning is a very crucial thing to me. I wont finish a story if I don't like the beginning. Please give me feedback, because it will help me write something over the summer. If you don't, all I will do it sleep. You don't want that. I own nothing.
"Why call on me if there's nothing I can do?"
Jedi councilor, Mace Windu, let out a heavy sigh. "There is not much any of us could do, but it seems we've gotten some one who has risen from the dead. We thought we lost them both, and now we have one back. That's something to be thankful for."
The knight snorted. "The Force does what it may." He paused. "I do not think he's dead. I would have felt it."
Windu shrugged. "I can't make you believe, but you've got to. We've got the boy to think of. He needs help."
The knight's face was blank as he kept staring out onto the city. "How is it that he got back?"
"He was found on a dirt road, slightly beaten and incoherent. They brought him to the Republic Embassy in the capital. He didn't speak much, and hasn't spoke since he got back. He can't, or wont, tell us who did it. It could have been mercenaries, rebels…it was a bad planet."
The knight kept a rude comment under his breath, and stood silent. His usual stance was hard to maintain when his knees threatened to buckle at any moment. Why now? Why had this happened? It couldn't have, none of it could. He would have known. The Force would have told him. It was bad when he had thought both his master and his master's padawan had been dead. Now, he had to deal with the emotions he had buried those five months ago.
"Again, we have to think of Obi-Wan. He has hardly spoken, and will barely respond to anything we ask him. His mind is tainted, and he still has many scars. We have assigned you to him." Mace commanded, though it was a light tone.
The knight turned with his eyes narrowed. "Never have I been allowed to take a Padawan, until now. And this is a tarnished, broken, boy. I find it hard to believe you can look passed the skinned knees and tears, Master, and see him fit."
"Sometimes, Knight MesTelos, we have to look past the scars and scratches," His voice dipped, hitting home to Xanatos, "or else we will never see the good within. Your Master told us that, and we believed him. Can we trust you now, or was he wrong?"
Xanatos' eyes burnt, and his hands coiled into fists. He turned back to the window before he did something rash. He took a deep breath, and let made a promise to release his emotions to the Force, later. Now he had something more serious to deal with. Should I? He pondered. Can I? He closed his eyes, searching his mind for the answer. He sighed. "I'll take him as my Padawan, if you promise to let things go my way. No interference. I'll ask for help when I need or want it."
"We can't promise the world, Xanatos, but we can try. He's in the med-bay, when you are ready." Mace took a step back, and started to turn for the door, when he was stopped by Xanatos' voice.
"You can trust me, Master Windu." His voice was quiet, and almost a whisper.
Mace nodded. "We hope so."
Xanatos did his best to look normal. He smiled lightly to people he passed on his way to the med-bay. He kept his shoulders from being slumped, and walked with some of his regular bravado. He did catch some knights' eyes, and they were sympathetic. As they usually were. Of course, he didn't respond to them. He hated being pitied, but was getting used to it.
"You can go in." The Healer told him when he asked for Obi-Wan's room. Xanatos gave a nod, and entered.
He stopped instantly when he entered the small room. He cocked his head, as his eyes met with the other member of the room.
"Kym?" He breathed.
Kym Ly nodded, her blond hair bobbing slightly. She gave a small smile to Xanatos, who looked even paler than usual. "Don't look so shocked, Xanatos. I was his Padawan too."
Xanatos swallowed. "I know. I just…"
"Didn't expect me here?" She stood from her chair. "I came to see Obi-Wan."
"So did I." Xanatos eyed her, as politely as he could, then let his eyes sweep to Obi-Wan. "He's sleeping."
"Of course he is. He's been sleeping or staring blankly ever since they found him." Her jade eyes fell from Xanatos to the small shape under the covers. "He looks so small."
"I noticed."
"I see your manners haven't improved." Her voice was low, and quiet.
"I see you're still intruding in other people's business." Xanatos folded his hands behind his back. "He's my Padawan, Kym, not yours. The council chose me."
"But do you know what to do with a Padawan?"
Xanatos shoulders sagged, and looked back to the door. "I don't know what I'm doing."
"That's rare." She replied.
He still stared at the door.
"It's all right to grieve, Xanatos." Kym said softly.
Xanatos forehead contorted. "I do not intend to grieve. He's not dead. I would have felt it. They tried to make me believe that by making me go to that memorial service. I didn't see you there. I guess they only made me go, because they keep me on such a short leash."
Kym's eye narrowed. "The world doesn't revolve around you, Xanatos. He's gone for all of us, not just you."
"Let me deal with my grieve in my own way, Ly. You do not control me." He answered bitterly. He had never gotten along well with Qui-Gon's earliest Padawan. He refused to believe she was ever truly in the same league as he. Kym had been assigned to Qui-Gon due to similar circumstances that Obi-Wan had been assigned to him. Her master had been killed on a mission when she was less than two years from being knighted. Qui-Gon, knighted only a few years before, had picked up the charity case in his usual fashion.
"Who will control you now, MesTelos? Who will control your grieve? You can't. You haven't been on your own for a mission. You haven't taken a Padawan before. All because the council doesn't trust you." Her voice rose, angrily.
"They do trust me, Kym." Xanatos met her eyes, and rose up to his full height. "Now, leave me alone. And stay away from my Padawan."
Kym's face fell, and she looked as if she was going to give an answer, but she just turned away, and stalked passed Xanatos. She paused, and took a cooling breath. "They only let me leave the Rim situation to see Obi-Wan. I wont be back for a while, Xan. Maybe that will give you some time to reconsider your words, and sort out your feelings."
Now alone, Xanatos finally let himself study Obi-Wan. He did look small. He was fifteen, now, and looked like a small child. Xanatos could remember Obi-Wan from before he had left for the mission, and how he was finally started to get more confidence in himself, and his abilities. Now, it was probably all gone. He didn't look injured, but he had been through much treatment already. But there was a scratch that crossed his forehead.
Xanatos rubbed his eyes, and found his way to the chair, where he slept that night.
Cont. in Chapter One.