Act 1 ; Scene 1
(Note: Not taking any of these characters from any of these movies or actors, only using them)
(two burlap bags are swung into the room)
Shrek – Oh great, just what I need. Even more fan mail to answer
(picks up a letter, tears it in half, takes the note out and tapes it back together to read)
(enters a two of the cast from Black Hawk Down)
Hartnett – Oh great, we've ended up in the wrong dessing room. Wait a minute, this IS my dressing room!! Hey buddy, what's up with you standing in my dressing room?
Shrek – (looks up) Oh? Well, they just told me to come in here, bein as I have no dressing room of my own. I'll tell ya though, they're gonna be hearin from the union bout this one. Digitally Remastered Characters have rights too…
Hartnett – Uh huh…are you going now?
Bloom – Man, leave the poor dumb thing to his letters…
Hartnett – Sure, and I'm going to go listening to you? Go jump out of a chopper.
Bloom – (smirk) Too late.
(Bloom and Hartnett exit)
Shrek – Dumb teen idols. Thinking they're all that because they've got blood. Bloody faeries.
(enters Elijah Wood and Viggo Mortensen (Frodo and Aragorn))
Wood – Hey…you…thing.. Where's Orlando Bloom?
Shrek – (looks up again) You bloody little people ever leave me in peace? I dunno!! He just left with that cocky one who died with Ben Arsnic!
Mortensen – Do you mean Ben Affleck?
Shrek – whatever
Wood – Damn. Then we just missed them.
Mortensen – (to Shrek) Have I seen you somewhere before?
Shrek – (looking irritated) How the heck should I know? I've been in a total of one movie and people are badgering me left and right for a second!
Mortensen – (staring intently at Shrek) I don't know…
Shrek – Think onions and maybe someday you'll have a brain instead of one.
Wood – Come on. Lets go find Bloom. We're late for our shooting.
(Wood and Mortensen leave)
Shrek – finally some peace…
(knocks on door)
Shrek – GO AWAY!! No more junk mail, no more faeries and no more religious soliciting!!!!!!
(door opens and Donkey walks in)
Donkey – Damn Shrek, you gott loosen up more man. Take a chill pill! You know all that yellin's gonna get right to your head and then your back 'll start aching and you'll get all stiff and…
(Shrek cuts off)
Shrek – Donkey!
Donkey – Oh…right. Anywho, I just stopped by so say that me and Charlotte are going out to dinner and she was wonderin is you and princess wanna join us.
Shrek – Nah. You and your dragon go on and get it on in peace. I have too much junk mail to reply to.
Donkey – Aight then
(donkey exits)
(Skrek opens another letter)
Letter – EAT ME!
Shrek – WHAT THE ?!?!?!?!?!
Letter – Oops, sorry.
(Gingerbread man pops out)
GM – Sorry, I was supposed to be sent to John Lithgrow, but apparently Thesilonius addressed it wrong…
Shrek – Oh great. Now I've got other people's junk mail comin in! Why can't I find any peace?
GM – whatever. Take a chill pill man,
Shrek – Why does everone keep saying that??
GM – Dunno. (slips on a pair of shades) Anyways, I got a date with a munchkin I just can't miss so I'll catch you on set tomorrow right?
Shrek – as long as there's no donkies, munchkins, daisies, leftover donuts, or anything that may relate in some way to Brittney Spears, I'll be there.
GM – Choas
(Gingerbread man exits, scene fades to black)