[No theme song, no introduction, no host segment, no nothing. The scene opens on the
theater, with Mike, Crow, and Tom already seated. The fic starts.]
Heroes of Arcadia: The Gamemaster's Legacy
TOM: DOS.
CROW: System 6.
MIKE: [confused] What?
by Anthony Bault
Legal:
TOM: Speaking of which, is torturing people by making them watch bad works of prose legal?
MIKE: Yeah, it is; the SOL is Gizmonics Institute flagged.
Mario, Link, and all related characters are (c) Nintendo
CROW: [flat] Yippee skippie, a Mario/Link fic.
Megaman and all related characters are (c) Capcom
CROW: [confused] A Nintendo fic?
Sonic and all related characters are (c) Sega, DIC, and Archie Comics
ALL: .....
MIKE: ...the hell?
TOM: This could get interesting.
King Ralius, Zorin Wayfarer, Adaman, and Magi Reynard Prower are based on characters from
the above games.
The following characters are (c) the fanfic authors that made them:
Bookshire Draftwood, Sandra Nightweaver, and Packbell: David Pistone aka Serinthia
Draftwood
CROW: The usual suspects.
Chris Petrucci and Rebecca MacPherson: Keith Aksland
TOM: The not-so-usual suspects?
Sir Kain: Eric Goodwin
MIKE: OK, no one panic! This can't be that bad. Can it?
Ryan Nightweaver: Ryan Huber
CROW: Do you really want to know?
Fred "FX" Ferret: G. T. Ettinger III
TOM: This is looking bad...
Major Frank Sharpe and Lt. Sergio "T-Bone" Hernandez: T-Bone
TOM: Can't... stand... pressure....
David Kintobor: David Gonterman
[Tom's head explodes.]
CROW: Ladies, gentlemen, and bots, we have a new SOL record!
MIKE: [while looking under the seats for a new dome] I can't say that it's unbelievable,
though. [comes up empty] Could you handle the riffs by yourself for a moment, Crow?
CROW: Sure, but be quick. [Mike leaves]
Anthony, King Arbolet, Prince Vinius, Princess Blossa, Sir Eric of the Larson Clan:
Anthony Bault
CROW: And an "official" self-insert. Looks like the gang's all here.
Above characters used without permission (update your e-mails, guys, I wanna talk to ya!)
but are merely being used for fun and not for profit. (Rough translation: *groveling*
PLEASE don't sue!) This fanfic may be distributed unaltered by permission of the author,
CROW: Whoops.
but may not be distributed for profit.
Author's forward:
My first fanfic...and hopefully not my last.
CROW: We'll see about that now, won't we?
[Mike returns with two spare domes.]
MIKE: You hid these again, didn't you?
CROW: Maybe.
This fanfic is based on
CROW: The usual fanfic slush.
a paper and pencil RPG called "Heroes of Arcadia" I started
creating (not for publishing, just for fun) a while back where you can role play a video
game. What you will read is, essentially, part of the back story for that RPG.
CROW: The Gamemaster part of the title makes sense then, I guess.
Basic premise: Suppose everything we believe to be fiction is actually fact, but in some
other reality.
CROW: [as Weird Al] Everything you know is wrong...
With some unknown ability, we are able to see that reality, but only perceive it
as our imagination. Suppose it turns out we had the ability to visit those realities a
long time ago, but the "doors" have long since closed...
CROW: Beyond these doors are dimensions of plot holes, contrivances, and utter coincidence.
MIKE: [finishes] Wow Tom, for this early in the fic you really made a mess of your
connections.
TOM: I know; I couldn't help it.
CROW: I share your pain.
TOM: But your head didn't explode!
CROW: Fine then, I don't share your pain. Feel better?
TOM: No, not really.
HOA-TGL is the story of how one of those doors opened, and what happens when that reality
literally spills into ours...
MIKE: [as fast food worker] Here you go, sir. Careful, that reality's ho....
CROW: Aaahh! I spilt my reality on my...
MIKE: [interrupting quickly, as fast food worker] I warned you, sir.
Enjoy!
MIKE: Oh, by the way, I call no personal attacks against the author.
CROW: Why?
MIKE: One of our MSTers knows the guy.
[Rumblings, various explosions; a piece of the fourth wall lands on Mike]
TOM: Congratulations, that sound you just heard was the fourth wall completely shattering.
(P.S. That sound you hear is the fourth wall completely shattering!)
TOM: Whoa!
MIKE: [recovering] Ladies and gentlemen, the Psychic Department of Psychic Redundancy
Department skit, brought to you by the Psychic Department of Psychic Redundancy
Department.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
CROW: In Morse code, ........ indicates a mistake. Draw your own conclusions here.
Prologue:
TOM: Why don't we ever hear about amateur logs?
MIKE: We do, they're just never called that.
Bowser Koopa was up to his old tricks again,
MIKE: Is he still cheating at solitaire?
he just chose a different target.
CROW: I guess he switched to FreeCell.
Having failed to capture the princess of the Mushroom Kingdom time and time again, he set
his sights on the neighboring kingdom of Floren, where a race of people evolved from the
fire flowers lived.
TOM: Isn't he vulnerable to fire? Making this a bad idea from the start?
CROW: Fanboy.
He had already captured Princess Blossa and was getting ready to make
his escape, when his old nemesis appeared...
MIKE: His mother-in-law?
"There he is, Mario!" Prince Vinius exclaimed. "THAT'S the fiend who kidnapped my sister!"
Mario sighed and thought, "Doesn't Koopa EVER get tired of this?"
CROW: No. Deal with it; it lets you keep your job.
Mario and Vinius chased Bowser into a nearby cave where Bowser thought he could hide and
set up a defense, using some of his best Troopas as a wall.
TOM: Has that ever worked?
Unfortunately, Vinius was
skilled at fire magic,
TOM: [sarcasm sequencer] Gee, you think?
even teaching Mario a few tricks, and the two of them practically
turned Bowser's troops
into a mass barbecue. Eventually, the two of them caught up with the king of the Koopas,
and forced him to surrender the princess.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Blossa, are you alright?" said Vinius, after helping Mario tie up Koopa.
"I'm fine, brother," she said, "and I am definitely glad to be out of this...THING'S
clutches!"
"HEY!" Bowser exclaimed. "I may be a dirty, no good cheat, but I resent just being called
a 'thing'!"
CROW: How about lizard-lips?
"Sorry he caused you so much trouble, he's a always been a pain in the keister when I had
to a protect the princess in the Mushroom Kingdom," Mario said.
MIKE: You never actually protect her; you always end up going to get her!
"Well..." Vinius said, with a smile crossing his lips. "Perhaps we can get rid of this
pain once and for all for you, Mario."
"Eh? How are you going to do that?" Mario asked.
TOM: Kill him, like you should have done way back in Mario 1!
"Follow us to the back of this cave, Mario, and you'll see..."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The back of the cave revealed a massive stone arch etched with cryptic symbols that must
have been around for several centuries. Vinius and Blossa saw the confused look on Mario's
face and explained.
"What you are looking at, Mario," Vinius began,
MIKE: [as Vinius] Is a massive stone arch etched with cryptic symbols that have been around
for several centuries.
TOM: [as Mario] But what's it a do?
MIKE: [as Vinius] Do? It's supposed to do something?
"is a banishment portal. Our father once
told us never to come down here, saying we could be lost forever if this were ever to open
through any errant magic spell from either myself or my sister."
CROW: [sarcasm sequencer] Gee, that'd be a shame.
"Yes," Blossa continued, "making it the perfect place to dump off our excess baggage here
so he doesn't cause any more grief!"
Fear crossed Bowser's face. Were they really going to...?
TOM: ...have the good guys reveal their plans to their evil captive? This went against
all sorts of union rules!
"Momma mia! You mean you're going to..."
TOM: [as Mario] ...a break all sorts of a union rules?
MIKE: Enough already!
TOM: Enough with the union rules, or enough with the accent?
MIKE & CROW: BOTH!
"You bet, Mario!" Vinius exclaimed. "Just place lizard-lips
CROW: D'OH!
here near the portal and my
sis and I will do the rest!"
"WAIT!" Bowser yelled. "Can't we make a deal?"
MIKE: [as Bowser as a Let's Make a Deal contestant] I want to trade for what's behind
portal number two!
"No deal, Koopa!" said Bloosa.
TOM: Bloosa blooper!
CROW: [a la Puttin' on the Ritz] Super dooper.
"We don't make deals with the likes of YOU!"
Vinius and Blossa began an strange incantation which caused the portal to open in a
reddish haze,
TOM: but it backfired, blowing them all to smithereens.
CROW: The end. Let's go. [They stand to leave.]
MIKE: Nice try, guys. [They sit.]
sucking the screaming Bowser into it.
"Well," said Vinius. "I guess our two countries will both be glad to be rid of..."
"WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING?!?!?"
TOM: [as Blossa] The very thing you told us not to, Father. Why do you ask?
Vinius and Blossa turned around to see their father, King Arbolet, running towards them
with anger in his eye. That anger turned to panic when he saw the opened portal.
"What...what did you do? Don't tell me you just opened the portal!"
MIKE: [as Vinius] Okay, we won't tell you.
"We did, father," said Blossa proudly, "and banished Bowser Koopa to a place where he'll
never bother this world again!"
CROW: True. Ish.
TOM: Ten RAM chips says he does bother this world again, by the end of the fic!
CROW: Taken!
"NO!!!!!!" yelled Arbolet, then he quieted down, and looked at his kids with a more
subdued tone. "My children...I shouldn't have told you this was a banishment portal. I
only told you that so you wouldn't try to open it like you just did."
"Father! What are you talking about?"
MIKE: Don't even imply it, Crow.
CROW: Imply what?
TOM: That he's talking about the...
MIKE: [interrupting] Not you either!
"This portal...is one of the Arcadian portals, one of the portals that connects our world
of Gardenia with the other worlds of Arcadia."
CROW: [stunned silence]
TOM: Yes!
Both of the royal children and Mario gasped. They knew of the portals, and of the history
behind them, and suddenly worried...
CROW: I sense needed back-story.
MIKE: This is the prologue, how much further back do you want to go?
CROW: No further back, the first time was bad enough.
Which world did they send Bowser to,
TOM: At a guess, I'd say one of Mobius, Earth, Megaman's Earth, or Hylas.
and can that world handle him?
CROW: Hopefully not.
MIKE: Why?
CROW: So he doesn't have to come back and bother this world again.
MAGIC VOICE: Commercial sign in 30 seconds.
MIKE: [looks up, startled] Oh, forgot about that. [straightens, clears throat] Hi, I'm Mike
Nelson, and welcome to the Satellite of Love.
CROW: [chuckles] A bit late, aren't you there, Nelson?
MIKE: [unperturbed] We do have an explanation for our being here so early, but...
MAGIC VOICE: [interrupts] Commercial sign in 15 seconds.
MIKE: [picks up Tom] But obviously, we don't have time to give it right now.
TOM: We promise you, it's a good reason.
CROW: It's worth the suspense.
[They leave.]
[SOL, Bridge]
MAGIC VOICE: Commercial sign in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, commercial sign now.
MIKE: We'll be right back.
[Commericals.]
Legal Notice: Basically, none of the characters are ours; real people are copyright themselves,
the characters mentioned in the copyright notice in the fic are copyright the same people or
other entities as before, all MST3K characters, locations, etc. are copyright Best Brains,
all those not mentioned are copyright to their respective owners. About the only thing belonging
to cbs and I (sam31415) are the order of some of the words, but we'd appreciate it if you
that, as that much is copyright us. HOA-TGL is copyright Anthony Bault. Any more questions?
theater, with Mike, Crow, and Tom already seated. The fic starts.]
Heroes of Arcadia: The Gamemaster's Legacy
TOM: DOS.
CROW: System 6.
MIKE: [confused] What?
by Anthony Bault
Legal:
TOM: Speaking of which, is torturing people by making them watch bad works of prose legal?
MIKE: Yeah, it is; the SOL is Gizmonics Institute flagged.
Mario, Link, and all related characters are (c) Nintendo
CROW: [flat] Yippee skippie, a Mario/Link fic.
Megaman and all related characters are (c) Capcom
CROW: [confused] A Nintendo fic?
Sonic and all related characters are (c) Sega, DIC, and Archie Comics
ALL: .....
MIKE: ...the hell?
TOM: This could get interesting.
King Ralius, Zorin Wayfarer, Adaman, and Magi Reynard Prower are based on characters from
the above games.
The following characters are (c) the fanfic authors that made them:
Bookshire Draftwood, Sandra Nightweaver, and Packbell: David Pistone aka Serinthia
Draftwood
CROW: The usual suspects.
Chris Petrucci and Rebecca MacPherson: Keith Aksland
TOM: The not-so-usual suspects?
Sir Kain: Eric Goodwin
MIKE: OK, no one panic! This can't be that bad. Can it?
Ryan Nightweaver: Ryan Huber
CROW: Do you really want to know?
Fred "FX" Ferret: G. T. Ettinger III
TOM: This is looking bad...
Major Frank Sharpe and Lt. Sergio "T-Bone" Hernandez: T-Bone
TOM: Can't... stand... pressure....
David Kintobor: David Gonterman
[Tom's head explodes.]
CROW: Ladies, gentlemen, and bots, we have a new SOL record!
MIKE: [while looking under the seats for a new dome] I can't say that it's unbelievable,
though. [comes up empty] Could you handle the riffs by yourself for a moment, Crow?
CROW: Sure, but be quick. [Mike leaves]
Anthony, King Arbolet, Prince Vinius, Princess Blossa, Sir Eric of the Larson Clan:
Anthony Bault
CROW: And an "official" self-insert. Looks like the gang's all here.
Above characters used without permission (update your e-mails, guys, I wanna talk to ya!)
but are merely being used for fun and not for profit. (Rough translation: *groveling*
PLEASE don't sue!) This fanfic may be distributed unaltered by permission of the author,
CROW: Whoops.
but may not be distributed for profit.
Author's forward:
My first fanfic...and hopefully not my last.
CROW: We'll see about that now, won't we?
[Mike returns with two spare domes.]
MIKE: You hid these again, didn't you?
CROW: Maybe.
This fanfic is based on
CROW: The usual fanfic slush.
a paper and pencil RPG called "Heroes of Arcadia" I started
creating (not for publishing, just for fun) a while back where you can role play a video
game. What you will read is, essentially, part of the back story for that RPG.
CROW: The Gamemaster part of the title makes sense then, I guess.
Basic premise: Suppose everything we believe to be fiction is actually fact, but in some
other reality.
CROW: [as Weird Al] Everything you know is wrong...
With some unknown ability, we are able to see that reality, but only perceive it
as our imagination. Suppose it turns out we had the ability to visit those realities a
long time ago, but the "doors" have long since closed...
CROW: Beyond these doors are dimensions of plot holes, contrivances, and utter coincidence.
MIKE: [finishes] Wow Tom, for this early in the fic you really made a mess of your
connections.
TOM: I know; I couldn't help it.
CROW: I share your pain.
TOM: But your head didn't explode!
CROW: Fine then, I don't share your pain. Feel better?
TOM: No, not really.
HOA-TGL is the story of how one of those doors opened, and what happens when that reality
literally spills into ours...
MIKE: [as fast food worker] Here you go, sir. Careful, that reality's ho....
CROW: Aaahh! I spilt my reality on my...
MIKE: [interrupting quickly, as fast food worker] I warned you, sir.
Enjoy!
MIKE: Oh, by the way, I call no personal attacks against the author.
CROW: Why?
MIKE: One of our MSTers knows the guy.
[Rumblings, various explosions; a piece of the fourth wall lands on Mike]
TOM: Congratulations, that sound you just heard was the fourth wall completely shattering.
(P.S. That sound you hear is the fourth wall completely shattering!)
TOM: Whoa!
MIKE: [recovering] Ladies and gentlemen, the Psychic Department of Psychic Redundancy
Department skit, brought to you by the Psychic Department of Psychic Redundancy
Department.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
CROW: In Morse code, ........ indicates a mistake. Draw your own conclusions here.
Prologue:
TOM: Why don't we ever hear about amateur logs?
MIKE: We do, they're just never called that.
Bowser Koopa was up to his old tricks again,
MIKE: Is he still cheating at solitaire?
he just chose a different target.
CROW: I guess he switched to FreeCell.
Having failed to capture the princess of the Mushroom Kingdom time and time again, he set
his sights on the neighboring kingdom of Floren, where a race of people evolved from the
fire flowers lived.
TOM: Isn't he vulnerable to fire? Making this a bad idea from the start?
CROW: Fanboy.
He had already captured Princess Blossa and was getting ready to make
his escape, when his old nemesis appeared...
MIKE: His mother-in-law?
"There he is, Mario!" Prince Vinius exclaimed. "THAT'S the fiend who kidnapped my sister!"
Mario sighed and thought, "Doesn't Koopa EVER get tired of this?"
CROW: No. Deal with it; it lets you keep your job.
Mario and Vinius chased Bowser into a nearby cave where Bowser thought he could hide and
set up a defense, using some of his best Troopas as a wall.
TOM: Has that ever worked?
Unfortunately, Vinius was
skilled at fire magic,
TOM: [sarcasm sequencer] Gee, you think?
even teaching Mario a few tricks, and the two of them practically
turned Bowser's troops
into a mass barbecue. Eventually, the two of them caught up with the king of the Koopas,
and forced him to surrender the princess.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Blossa, are you alright?" said Vinius, after helping Mario tie up Koopa.
"I'm fine, brother," she said, "and I am definitely glad to be out of this...THING'S
clutches!"
"HEY!" Bowser exclaimed. "I may be a dirty, no good cheat, but I resent just being called
a 'thing'!"
CROW: How about lizard-lips?
"Sorry he caused you so much trouble, he's a always been a pain in the keister when I had
to a protect the princess in the Mushroom Kingdom," Mario said.
MIKE: You never actually protect her; you always end up going to get her!
"Well..." Vinius said, with a smile crossing his lips. "Perhaps we can get rid of this
pain once and for all for you, Mario."
"Eh? How are you going to do that?" Mario asked.
TOM: Kill him, like you should have done way back in Mario 1!
"Follow us to the back of this cave, Mario, and you'll see..."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The back of the cave revealed a massive stone arch etched with cryptic symbols that must
have been around for several centuries. Vinius and Blossa saw the confused look on Mario's
face and explained.
"What you are looking at, Mario," Vinius began,
MIKE: [as Vinius] Is a massive stone arch etched with cryptic symbols that have been around
for several centuries.
TOM: [as Mario] But what's it a do?
MIKE: [as Vinius] Do? It's supposed to do something?
"is a banishment portal. Our father once
told us never to come down here, saying we could be lost forever if this were ever to open
through any errant magic spell from either myself or my sister."
CROW: [sarcasm sequencer] Gee, that'd be a shame.
"Yes," Blossa continued, "making it the perfect place to dump off our excess baggage here
so he doesn't cause any more grief!"
Fear crossed Bowser's face. Were they really going to...?
TOM: ...have the good guys reveal their plans to their evil captive? This went against
all sorts of union rules!
"Momma mia! You mean you're going to..."
TOM: [as Mario] ...a break all sorts of a union rules?
MIKE: Enough already!
TOM: Enough with the union rules, or enough with the accent?
MIKE & CROW: BOTH!
"You bet, Mario!" Vinius exclaimed. "Just place lizard-lips
CROW: D'OH!
here near the portal and my
sis and I will do the rest!"
"WAIT!" Bowser yelled. "Can't we make a deal?"
MIKE: [as Bowser as a Let's Make a Deal contestant] I want to trade for what's behind
portal number two!
"No deal, Koopa!" said Bloosa.
TOM: Bloosa blooper!
CROW: [a la Puttin' on the Ritz] Super dooper.
"We don't make deals with the likes of YOU!"
Vinius and Blossa began an strange incantation which caused the portal to open in a
reddish haze,
TOM: but it backfired, blowing them all to smithereens.
CROW: The end. Let's go. [They stand to leave.]
MIKE: Nice try, guys. [They sit.]
sucking the screaming Bowser into it.
"Well," said Vinius. "I guess our two countries will both be glad to be rid of..."
"WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING?!?!?"
TOM: [as Blossa] The very thing you told us not to, Father. Why do you ask?
Vinius and Blossa turned around to see their father, King Arbolet, running towards them
with anger in his eye. That anger turned to panic when he saw the opened portal.
"What...what did you do? Don't tell me you just opened the portal!"
MIKE: [as Vinius] Okay, we won't tell you.
"We did, father," said Blossa proudly, "and banished Bowser Koopa to a place where he'll
never bother this world again!"
CROW: True. Ish.
TOM: Ten RAM chips says he does bother this world again, by the end of the fic!
CROW: Taken!
"NO!!!!!!" yelled Arbolet, then he quieted down, and looked at his kids with a more
subdued tone. "My children...I shouldn't have told you this was a banishment portal. I
only told you that so you wouldn't try to open it like you just did."
"Father! What are you talking about?"
MIKE: Don't even imply it, Crow.
CROW: Imply what?
TOM: That he's talking about the...
MIKE: [interrupting] Not you either!
"This portal...is one of the Arcadian portals, one of the portals that connects our world
of Gardenia with the other worlds of Arcadia."
CROW: [stunned silence]
TOM: Yes!
Both of the royal children and Mario gasped. They knew of the portals, and of the history
behind them, and suddenly worried...
CROW: I sense needed back-story.
MIKE: This is the prologue, how much further back do you want to go?
CROW: No further back, the first time was bad enough.
Which world did they send Bowser to,
TOM: At a guess, I'd say one of Mobius, Earth, Megaman's Earth, or Hylas.
and can that world handle him?
CROW: Hopefully not.
MIKE: Why?
CROW: So he doesn't have to come back and bother this world again.
MAGIC VOICE: Commercial sign in 30 seconds.
MIKE: [looks up, startled] Oh, forgot about that. [straightens, clears throat] Hi, I'm Mike
Nelson, and welcome to the Satellite of Love.
CROW: [chuckles] A bit late, aren't you there, Nelson?
MIKE: [unperturbed] We do have an explanation for our being here so early, but...
MAGIC VOICE: [interrupts] Commercial sign in 15 seconds.
MIKE: [picks up Tom] But obviously, we don't have time to give it right now.
TOM: We promise you, it's a good reason.
CROW: It's worth the suspense.
[They leave.]
[SOL, Bridge]
MAGIC VOICE: Commercial sign in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, commercial sign now.
MIKE: We'll be right back.
[Commericals.]
Legal Notice: Basically, none of the characters are ours; real people are copyright themselves,
the characters mentioned in the copyright notice in the fic are copyright the same people or
other entities as before, all MST3K characters, locations, etc. are copyright Best Brains,
all those not mentioned are copyright to their respective owners. About the only thing belonging
to cbs and I (sam31415) are the order of some of the words, but we'd appreciate it if you
that, as that much is copyright us. HOA-TGL is copyright Anthony Bault. Any more questions?