22.09.2014
I started a novel. The main character was based on you. His appearance, even his personality. I wish I could continue that, I think it could have been something good, but to have you in my head all that time, it would ruin me. I'm already barely holding on.
But I haven't cried today, I was able to have a shower without breaking down this morning. But it's still early and I know I'll have to be alone at some point. I'm dreading that, because I haven't been alone since you left. I keep feeling like I'm going to break down at any point, when that happens I pretend I'm busy because I know if I speak, I'll fall apart. Writing these are so hard. I've never put myself out like this, I've always kept my thoughts to myself and for me to put this out for the world to see, you must know from that how much you mean to me.
I'm not ready to let you go and if we're being completely honest I won't ever be ready. I know guys move on faster and that's not helping me right now. I just hope you'll always remember me, that when you're holding another girl, you think of me and when she laughs at your lame jokes, you remember the sound of my laugh. I hope I eat away at your brain because that's what you'll always be doing to me. I'll compare every man to you, the way you smell, the way you kiss, the way you would hold me and even weird things that you would do. You're my definition of perfect and you always will be. I just wish so bad that I was perfect for you.
Maybe I'll get better. Maybe I can look at your name again without feeling my heart break. Maybe you'll miss me and how I feel in your arms and you'll want that back. God I hope so... Because I will always miss holding you.
- I wrote this at 1pm. I had another shower at 3:30pm and I cried for over half an hour. I was so proud that I hadn't cried once today, now I'm just angry that once again I'm crying over you while you're probably talking to other girls and I'm not even crossing your mind.