Disclaimer: I own nothing. JKR's characters. Just doing this for fun.
A/N - yeah, I know I should be working on something else (Playmate, Imitation, Heaven Sent), but hopefully this is better than nothing.
"GET IT THROUGH YOUR HEAD - I HATE YOU, MALFOY! I hated you in school, hated you last week, and I HATE YOU NOW!"
With that, Hermione Granger threw the exotic floral arrangement from Draco Malfoy high into the air, blasting it into oblivion in front of a group of exceptionally-entertained coworkers.
"Fine, Granger! Merlin, you are such a bitch! That's never gonna change, is it?"
"Not for you, Ferret Boy."
The combatants separated, and another daily round of Ferret vs. Harpy concluded. No one knew why Malfoy was attempting to soften up the Muggleborn, but he'd been at it for two months solid with no progress to show for himself. Instead he'd been the not-so-proud recipient of a Bat-Bogey Hex; six Stupefies; a curse that caused him to scream 'forgive me, I'm an inbred arsehole!' uncontrollably for a day; two that covered him in pus-filled boils, various other hexes that shot him across the room on days Hermione felt less creative, and the office favorite, when she Transfigured the Pureblood into a green-polka-dotted, glitter-farting pig for a week. No one could undo the spell, and Granger flatly refused, even after Kingsley asked her personally. When he threatened to suspend her, she said that was fine. If he forced her to fix Malfoy, she would leave and refuse to return for a week. One way or another, she would get seven days' peace from the annoying ponce. Shacklebolt apologized to the pig and flooed to Malfoy Manor with the heir tucked firmly under his left arm. Hermione's presence had been required more than Draco's. While Kingsley had promised to discipline Ms. Granger for such unbecoming behavior, he gave her naught but a slap on the wrist, privately treasuring the looks on Lucius and Narcissa's faces as he presented them with their porcine prince.
When Malfoy returned to work, he went straight to Granger's office and dropped off a side of bacon. At her confused look, all he said was, "here's your pound of flesh. Maybe that will make you happy," and walked out. She had two more days of quiet before the twisted courtship ritual started again. Chocolates were melted, letters Incendio'd in their envelopes, and so many flowers destroyed that others on the floor developed the ability to differentiate between the scent of a charred carnation vs. rose.
Draco's best friend, Blaise Zabini, eventually took it upon himself to talk to the blond and find out just why he insisted on getting his arse handed to him regularly by the bad-tempered little chit.
"Malfoy, you in here?" Zabini walked into the office without knocking.
"No, Zabini, I'm not."
Blaise made himself comfortable in a guest chair.
"Perhaps you misunderstood, you slant-eyed shit: fuck off."
Zabini smirked. "Believe me, Draco, I'm not here out of friendly concern or any bullshite like that. It's just that no Slytherin should allow him or herself to endure such public humiliation. Honestly, you're bringing shame to the entire house." He relaxed further, examining his nails while he waited for a response.
"Malfoy?"
Nothing.
"Draco?" Blaise looked over to see his old friend with his face in his hands.
"The bitch really gets to you, doesn't she? I'll admit, the first few weeks, I thought you'd just found a new way to get on her nerves, but now I'm starting to wonder. What do you really want from Granger?"
Bloodshot grey eyes peered over the tops of long, elegantly tapered fingers. "What do I want from Granger? Everything. Anything. I want to be around her without the cow hexing me. I want to talk to her. I want to touch her. God KNOWS I want to-"
"Enough, Drake." Blaise shifted uneasily. "I get the point. It's been three months, mate. She isn't weakening."
"I know. I finally decided to give up after today. Honestly, how dense can I be, right? I've tried words, gifts, gestures..."
"And?"
"And the most civil gesture I get in return is when she chooses to simply flick the v's at me, instead of trying to blow me up. I'm done." Malfoy shook his head, dejected.
Zabini nodded his understanding (Slytherins didn't do sympathy) and rose to leave. "Now what?"
"Now I give her what she wants: I leave her alone."
The first two weeks of Draco's new behavior threw Hermione for a loop. She watched him suspiciously, waiting for his latest strategy to reveal itself. He spoke to her when work required it, and didn't as much as look at her otherwise. Granger finally relaxed, and the rest of the floor followed suit soon after. Things ran efficiently and civilly for months until the day Witch Weekly published a photo of Draco Malfoy at a romantic dinner with another witch.
BLAM! Hermione's office door's knob embedded itself in the wall as she threw open the portal to her workspace. Her hair was wild, her large eyes fiery, and her energy crackled like it hadn't since Malfoy had annoyed her months ago. Her colleagues scattered, breaking into groups to watch the carnage from afar.
"Was she snarling?"
"Pretty sure. Now pipe down; this should be good."
"If anyone needs me, I'll be behind that desk over there."
Granger strode down the hall like an avenging goddess, stopping just long enough in front of Malfoy's room to fire a BOMBARDO! at his door. He blinked at her as she slammed the offending picture down on his desk.
"Malfoy! Just what the bloody hell is THIS?" Her screech disturbed every Ministry owl in a 30-meter radius.
He took a chance and glanced down, "It would appear to be a picture."
"And who is this?"
"What does it matter? Granger, you made it abundantly clear you wanted nothing to do with me. In fact, if I'm not mistaken, haven't you been oh-so-happily involved with Finch-Fletchley from Auditing?" Draco stood and faced the irate witch.
"That - that has NOTHING to do with this."
"Of course it doesn't, Granger. That's why you're in my office bellowing at me like a fishmonger's wife."
Her eyes narrowed. "Wait here." She stormed out, and Draco could hear something that sounded like, 'Don't you people have anything better to do?'
Ten minutes later, she was back. "You see this?" She pointed at the picture again.
"Yes, what of it?" Malfoy's patience had worn thin. "If you're so interested in this picture, I can virtually promise you there'll be one in tomorrow's edition, as I have another date with the witch tonight!"
SLAP! His head rocked to the right.
"What the FUCK was that for?"
"You touch another witch and I swear I'll make your bollocks the size of a guppy's. I just went downstairs and broke things off with Justin."
"You what?" His eyes softened as her demeanor changed. She stepped shyly around his desk. "Why?"
Hermione deliberately stepped into Draco's personal space, allowing him to wind his arms around her. She reached up, gently bringing his lips to hers. "Because I guess I finally realized I'd rather hate you than love someone else."
"That's barmy, woman."
"I know. Now shut up and kiss me."