Woah, I didn't come up with this, but I found it on Facebook. I DO NOT OWN.
Matt/Mail Jeevas Unit: User Guide and Manual
Congratulations, you have purchased your very own Matt unit! To ensure that you are not bludgeoned to death by a PSP or other video game console, we here at Unit Co. have provided you with this manual.
General Information:
Name: Mail Jeevas. Will respond to 'Matt', 'Gameboy', 'Jeevas-kun', 'Sexy', 'Game King', 'Goggles', and 'Mello's manbitch', but will respond negatively to the last two.
Age: Born February 1st, 1990, but is manufactured to look 15 years of age. Note: Like all units manufactured at Unit Co., your Matt unit IS of legal age, despite their initial appearance.
Place of Manufacture: Unit Co., Tokyo Division
Height: 5'5"
Weight: 115 lbs
Length: Biggest. Wii Remote. EVER.
Your Unit comes with the following:
– One (1) set of goggles without lenses
– One (1) pair of green goggle lenses
– One (1) pair of orange goggle lenses
– One (1) pair of red goggle lenses
– One (1) Playstation Portable Console with headphones
– One (1) Nintendo 3DS
– Two (2) Playstation 3, Playstation 2, and Xbox 360 controllers
– One (1) Playstation 3
– One (1) Playstation 2
– One (1) Xbox 360
– One (1) photograph, showing Matt, Mello, and Near sitting in front of Wammy's Orphanage.
Removal of your Matt Unit from packaging:
Matt units are pretty docile, and unless a video game console is broken during package removal, he will not attack you. However, we have a few suggestions for you to safely remove and activate your Matt unit in this manual:
– Slowly and carefully open the lid and greet Matt. Unless he's busy playing on a portable console, he'll greet you back and allow you to reprogram him
– If you have a Mello/Mihael Keehl unit, you can have him open the box and yell for your Matt to "get off his lazy ass". Matt, if he's napping, will wake up sleepily and complain about waking him up. If he's playing a game, he'll pause it and scowl at Mello for making him almost die on his favorite level.
– Lay a 'Limited Anniversary Edition' if Shadow of the Colossus near the box. Duck and cover behind a large piece of solid furniture as Matt will rip apart the box to obtain the box and start cuddling with it. Note: Unit Co. is not responsible for any damaged property or physical damage caused by a game-crazed Matt unit.
– Say very loudly "They're making Portal 3!" Matt will leap from the box and hug you wildly, cheering and quoting GlaDOS. Another Note: Unit Co. is also not responsible for any fangasms, nosebleeds, or broken ribs due to and affectionate/excited Matt.
Reprogramming:
Upon the activation of your Matt unit, he will come with the following modes:
Lazy (default)
Mellow (default)
Prankster
Horny
Ultimate Gaming
Rage (locked)
Lazy is Matt's first default mode. In this mode, he's, well, lazy. Most of his daily activity will include playing video games, eating, and sleeping. Matt will keep this mode all the time, except in either Rage of Horny. In addition, Matt units usually sleep 6-8 hours and spend time playing video games for 10-12 hours a day on default; the only time they go out of this timeframe is when they're in Ultimate Gaming mode.
Mellow is Matt's other default mode. In this mode, he's very calm and isn't easily angered. If you have a Mello unit in addition to a Matt unit, it is wise to leave Matt in this mode, as he can calm Mello down in this mode, or at the very least can restrain him or knock him out. Matt usually stays in this mode unless he enters Rage mode.
Prankster mode is activated when Matt is very bored. In this mode, he'll usually team up with Mello and play pranks on anyone they can find. It's fairly simple to get them out of this mode:
– Get a Watari Unit to find them out and punish them accordingly after he scared the living man-crap out of them/him.
– Show him a video game he hasn't played in a while. Immediately, he'll stop pranking people and begin playing.
– Prank Matt to respond. He won't be angry; in fact, he might laugh about how you were able to get him back!
NOTE; UNIT CO. IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY MENTAL ANGUISH, DAMAGED PROPERTY, OR SUDDEN BALDNESS-RELATED ANTICS CAUSED BY MATT IN THIS MODE.
Horny is a very interesting mode for Matt, as the effects of it really hit hard and fast; Matt will have small nosebleeds every time he sees the targeted unit in something revealing, and will constantly be dragging said unit/significant other off to one bedroom for special 'meetings'. In Horny mode, the romantic feelings Matt has for his target is basically all about lust in this mode. We suggest that you set up cameras inside your home to observe every action made by a horny Matt unit, regardless of who he's 'meeting' with.
Ultimate Gaming mode is one of our more difficult modes to get Matt out of. This mode is activated if Matt has been immersed in a video game for more than 14 hours. In this mode, he'll do nothing but sit in front of the screen he's playing on... and never leave. In fact, he won't even eat or use he restroom. Eventually he won't even reach for a new cigarette. There is only one way to get Matt out of this mode that won't result in your death, but it is strongly recommended that you merely let Matt finish the game he's playing. But, if you need to get him out of this mode immediately, you can send a Mello unit or Near unit to distract him by talking to him. While he's distracted, you can try to hit him over the head or drug him. Please be careful, as Matt is very nimble and will attack you with any controller he has on hand.
NOTE: Unit Co. is NOT responsible for any concussions, temporary amnesia, burning sensation, or death caused by your failure to knock your Matt unconscious.
Rage mode is Matt's only locked mode. This mode is only activated if Matt is unable to play video games for a long period of time. This will be the only time Matt will become incredibly violent, and will attack anyone that comes near him. In addition, he will destroy property and throw his goggles through a window, and anyone who tries to comfort him will be strangled with a Gameboy controller cord (the exception being Watari). This mode can only be shut down by a Watari unit that can calm Matt down. AGAIN, UNIT CO. IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY INJURY, DEATH OR PROPERTY DAMAGE CAUSED BY AN ENRAGED MATT UNIT.
Relationships with other Units:
Mihael Keehl/Mello: These two are best friends and partners against Kira, and many believe that their friendship is much more than merely best-friendhood. Our market research shows that is these two units are kept in the same home, they will ultimately end up in a relationship. Like all other "young/underage" units are NOT compatible in a bondage/torture relationship. If you wish for a pairing like this, call our customer hotline and we'll send you the units you desire.
Nate River/Near: These two units are very good friends, and can become a couple if that is what you wish. Near and Matt will often exchange toys (though Near is not very interested in many of Matt's video games except for puzzle based ones). Most of the time, if Matt is playing a puzzle themed game/strategic game (i.e. Portal, Portal 2, Professor Layton), Near will join in to either play or observe and give advice to help Matt out.
L Lawliet: Matt does look up to L, but in comparison to the other Wammy's Boys, his respect is somewhat downplayed. These two cannot be in a romantic relationship together, but Matt does see L as an older brother figure to a certain degree.
Light Yagami: Matt doesn't really like Light that much, and will work with Mello to try and capture him on several occasions. If he isn't trying to prove that Light is Kira, then he'll spend time pranking him with various plans, most of them involving water balloons and spray paint mixed with hair spray.
Misa Amane: All Matt really knows about Misa is that she's kinda hot, so he's somewhat friendly towards her, as he is will all women. He's quite popular with the ladies, you know.
Cleaning: Your Matt unit is capable of cleaning himself, and doesn't mind if you bathe with him; ideally though, he will either prefer to be alone or with Mello or Near.
Feeding: Matt will eat anything, but is very partial to junk food, especially while gaming (for both accessibility and taste).
Rest: Matt units sleep cycles depend on what game he's playing. If he's immersed in something like "The Legend of Zelda" (which is known for its replay ability), he'll be up for a few days straight, and will only sleep for an hour a day. If it's relatively short to him, he'll sleep a little less than a normal human teenager.
Frequently Asked Questions:
Q: My Matt unit is freaking out because I don't have any cigarettes, and refuses to listen to me when I suggest nicotine gum/patches! What do I do?
A: All Matt units are fierce smokers, and will refuse any other way to obtain nicotine. Unfortunately, we're afraid that you will need to buy cigarettes for him. However, he will not object to you designating a 'smoking corner' for him outside if the smell bothers you.
Q: Can my Matt unit get any diseases related to smoking?
A: No; ALL units are created to be immune to diseases and illnesses contracted by normal humans. So, your Matt unit can rest easy knowing that the three packs he smokes a day will not affect him at all!
Q: Why is Matt messing with my car?
A: Matt has skill in technology, and is pretty good with cars; he actually modified a 1970 Chevrolet Chevelle SS 454 with details making it look similar to a 1958 Plymouth roadrunner. Most likely, he's adding detail to your ride in order to make it look cooler to him, or actually to increase its speed. If you're aspiring to be a drag racer, you can bet that Matt's giving you a helping hand, if a bit unknowingly doing so.
Troubleshooting:
Problem: Your Matt unit is pacing back and forth, smoking multiple cigarettes at three in the morning, and refusing to sleep.
Solution: Matt has become paranoid about something while he has been pranking, or something else entirely. Most likely, he's being mentally trolled by Mello as a prank, or, in another case, he's been excessively reading "Johnny the Homicidal Maniac" while eating high levels of sugar. A good way to calm him down is to give him a few swigs of NyQuil/Aspirin, and then lie him down until he stops thinking that Johnny is right behind him.
Problem: Matt and Mello are putting some plants into L's brownies, and Matt's room has a lot of plants inside.
Solution: Ask Matt and Mello where they got the 'plant', and confiscate the brownies. If you wish to see a high Matt and Mello making L high, you can merely let L have the brownies and participate in the madness. Please note that if Matt was the one who got the 'plant', he most likely grew the 'plant' himself, and has more plants than just in his room. Don't let any Kira Police Task Force members in there, unless you wish for Matt to get arrested for a while.
Conclusion:
With enough patience, video games, car parts, and cigarettes, you and your Matt unit can have a very healthy relationship, whatever it may be. Thank you for purchasing from Unit Co. for all of your unit needs!