This is my sad attempt at a humor fic. The situations in this story seem funny to me but i may just have a bad sense of humor.
God of Mischief
Chapter one: Loki
Konoha was in the grips of the second great shinobi war. And as the third Hokage, Sarutobi had seen many gruesome scenes. In his long career as a shinobi he had seen atrocity after atrocity committed to criminals and innocent alike. Not to mention the thousands of mission reports detailing morbid and gruesome battles. He had been in dozens of situations where the odds of him coming out alive had been slim to none. He had buried teammates, friends and family. And yet, through all of that, he had never once been afraid. Until now.
The scene in front of the third Hokage of Konoha was one so horrific that he knew he would be having nightmares about it for a very long time. With a heavy sigh Sarutobi picked up another sheet from the giant stack of paper in front of him and proceeded to sign it. As he let the dull monotony of paperwork wash over him he couldn't help but think, the strongest ninja in the village doing paperwork when war is still raging? Hm what has the world come to?
Sarutobi continued on with the paperwork knowing that if he didn't get it done he would get yelled at again. Him, the third Hokage of Konoha, get yelled at! By a mere secretary! The thought was preposterous. Yet he didn't dare to slow in his work. He almost wished there would be an attack so he would have an excuse to get out of this dingy office.
Little did he know that, although there would not be an attack, an event was about to take place that would provide much frustration and excitement for the aging Hokage. Oh yes, the dull monotony of paperwork was about to be interrupted by the arrival of a very…peculiar guest.
A violent wind suddenly arose in the Hokage's office sending important documents flying in every direction. With papers flying all around him Sarutobi franticly snatched at them trying to hold down as many as possible. Just as he finally managed to snatch one of the papers out of the air there was a loud bang and a brilliant flash. Covering his eyes with his arms he took a step back and was sent sprawling by his own chair.
Lying on his back Sarutobi took a moment to collect his thoughts before finally opening his eyes with a groan. All around him important pieces of paper fluttered their way towards the ground.
As Sarutobi lay there anger began to bubble inside his chest. What kind of a moron would leave my window open!? Then a thought suddenly occurred to him. He no longer had a window. In fact, for security reasons his office had been moved to the basement. The office was practically impossible to get into with 2 ANBU guards keeping watch outside his door 24/7 so that made infiltration impossible. Just what in the hell happened here?
As he lay there trying to work out just what had happened an odd sound cut into his thoughts, it was almost like a gurgle.
Now utterly confused, but completely alert, Sarutobi began to cautiously pick himself up off the floor and look around for the source of the noise. Sitting on his desk was what appeared to be a small light blue bundle. As he approached he could see a baby's face peeking out from the top. The baby had cerulean blue eyes, a few tufts of bright blond hair on his head and some strange black lines on his cheeks.
"Aww, you're actually kind of cute aren't you?" Sarutobi asked as he leaned over to inspect the small boy.
Then, with more speed then Sarutobi would have given him credit for, the boy's arms shot out of the blue bundle and latched onto the Hokage's hat. With a laugh that emphasized his victory the boy began to wave around his new prize.
"Ahh my hat!" Sarutobi cried. He quickly grabbed the hat and gave a quick yank, but to his surprise the boy didn't let go. He began to tug harder and harder on the hat but the boy refused to give up his new trophy. Sarutobi continued pulling until the child was suspended over the desk still giggling like mad. The blue blanket wound itself from around the baby and fell to the desk below leaving behind a very naked baby boy. Sarutobi gave the hat a small shake but the boy still refused to let go.
Now starting to get annoyed Sarutobi glared down at the child. "Alright, listen you. Give me back my…"
"Sarutobi-sensei!"
Sarutobi cringed at the very obviously angry voice and looked up to see one of his precious students.
"What do you think you are doing to that child?"
Tsunade just couldn't handle it anymore. She had tried, she really had, to grieve and get over the deaths of her loved ones but everywhere she looked reminded her of them. There was the restaurant where Dan had taken her on their first date. Over there was the park that Nawaki loved to go to when he had been a little kid.
She just couldn't take it anymore, she had to leave Konoha, she didn't know for how long but she needed to get away to mourn in peace and to collect her thoughts. As she walked through Konoha's streets on her way to the Hokage tower she hoped her sensei would be able to understand. While she walked her thoughts were filled with her little brother and the man who had been her lover, like they always were these days. The villagers and shinobi of Konoha knew better then to try and talk to her. They knew she was still grieving.
Tsunade walked slowly through the halls of the Hokage tower; she knew that no one would stop her. They never did, she was too well known to be mistaken for an intruder. Even the ANBU guards outside the Hokage's office simply nodded to her and let her through.
Having Sarutobi for a teacher and Jiraiya for a teammate had taught Tsunade to always expect the unexpected. But the sight on the other side of the door was so ludicrous that it drove all thoughts of grief from her mind.
The office was a mess, papers and scrolls were lying everywhere as if children had decided to have a war using paper as their ammo. And in the center of this mess stood the third Hokage of Konoha shaking his hat. Swinging from the bottom of the hat was a very happy and very naked baby boy. The boy seemed to think it was all one big game but the Hokage didn't seem to be having very much fun at all.
"Alright, listen you. Give me back my…"
"Sarutobi-sensei!"
Sarutobi slowly looked up from his hat to see Tsunade standing in the doorway. The look on his face was very similar to that of a child who had just been caught with his hand in the cookie jar.
"What do you think you are doing to that child?"
Sarutobi pointed an accusing finger at the boy dangling from the end of his hat. "He tried to steal my hat!" he pouted.
Tsunade sent her old teacher a glare that clearly said; if there weren't a child here right now you would be so dead.
Walking over to the Hokage Tsunade grabbed the boy and brought him to her shoulder. With a squeal of delight the boy let go of the hat and snuggled into her very comfortable chest.
"He's freezing! I swear Sarutobi-sensei, sometimes you're even less responsible then Jiraiya. Why do you have a baby anyways?"
Sarutobi eagerly placed his hat back onto the top of his head. "I don't know."
While listening to the Hokage explain the situation Tsunade picked up the blue blanket from his desk and wrapped the boy in it before returning him to her shoulder. She noticed a letter fall from out of the blanket and bent to pick it up. Now ignoring Sarutobi's story she began to read.
"And then you walked in." Sarutobi concluded his story of the day's absurd events only to notice that his former student was no longer paying attention.
"Sensei, I think you should take a look at this." Tsunade handed the letter to Sarutobi who quickly began to read.
Dear Sarutobi:
I must apologize; I know how much you were looking forward to retirement. But it seems that I am no longer able to carry out my duties as Hokage. The great Kyubi no Kitsune is just too powerfull and I have concluded that the only way to defeat it is the Shiki Fuin. As for the vessel I have chosen my son, I regret this decision even now but I cannot ask another to make a sacrifice that I myself am unwilling to make.
And so I have two things to ask of you. The first is to watch over and protect this village until you are able to find another successor. And the second; please watch over my son. With both me and Kushina gone he will have no one to look after him. He is the only thing keeping the Kyubi at bay and the villagers should treat him as a hero. Make sure that this treatment doesn't go to his head. Please make sure that he grows up to be a son I would have been proud of.
The rest is up to you, old friend.
Namikaze Minato, The fourth Hokage of Konoha.
Slowly, Sarutobi leaned over and righted his chair before sitting down and going into deep thought.
"Well?" Tsunade asked impatiently. "What do you think?"
Sarutobi let out a long and heavy sigh before answering. "It would seem that the only logical conclusion is this: Some time in the future Konoha is attacked by the Kyubi. In an attempt defeat it the Hokage of that time, apparently Minato, seals it into his newborn child. And then that child is somehow transported back to this time and place."
"Logical?" Tsunade wanted to shout but the child on her shoulder was just starting to doze off and so she kept her voice low. "How is that logical? It must be a trick of some kind."
Sarutobi sighed again; he seemed to be doing that a lot today. "Tell me Tsunade, have you ever heard of the Shiki Fuin?" She shook her head. "That is because it doesn't exist yet. Minato is only now in the process of creating it. I have helped him a little in its development and so know the particulars. In exchange for the users life, your opponent's soul will be removed from his body and sealed into a vessel, in this case that boy. Since the jutsu has not yey been completed, if that boy possesses the seal then I will have no choice but to believe this story."
Silence reigned for several minutes as both thought over the implications of such a story being true.
Finally Tsunade broke the silence. "I didn't see a seal on his body so that means the story can't be true, right?"
Sarutobi shook his head. "The seal is one that only becomes visible while chakra is being channeled. Set the boy here for a moment." He motioned to the empty desk in front of him.
Tsunade set the now sleeping child down on the desk and took a step back to watch the Hokage work. Sarutobi unwrapped a portion of the blanket to reveal the boys stomach. After a few quick hand seals he touched his finger to the boy's belly button. At first nothing happened, but after a moment a line began to appear slowly moving in a spiral outward from the source of contact. The boy squirmed for a moment before returning to his peaceful slumber.
"Does that mean its true? Is this boy really from the future?" Sarutobi had known his student for a very long time but he had never before heard her voice so quiet and uncertain.
The Hokage's only response was to nod.
"So what happens now?"
Slowly Sarutobi lifted his eyes from the child and looked up at Tsunade. "The worlds balance is a surprisingly delicate thing. His being here could upset that balance. We will have to find a way to return him to his own time."
Tsunade nodded, her eyes still glued to the infant. "But what do we do with him until then?"
"Despite Minato's wishes I believe this boy has a very difficult future ahead of him. He will have no family, and being the vessel of Kyubi I doubt he will be allowed many friends. Perhaps we should let the boy get to know his parents while he has the chance."
Something was very wrong. Uzumaki Kushina continued to look around the Hokage's office and could not shake the feeling that something was very off. First, there was a pile of papers in the corner as if the Hokage had to decided to throw around his paperwork then had simply swept it all into the corner. But weirder still was Tsunade. She stood behind and slightly to the left of the Hokage with a sleeping infant in her arms. But if there was one thing that let Kushina know that something was wrong it was the fact that both she and Minato had been summoned to the meeting together.
To avoid emotions getting in the way of a mission, family members and people who are romantically involved are forbidden from working together on missions. Which meant this meeting was about something else, but what Kushina could not fathom.
The third Hokage interrupted Kushina's musings by clearing his throat. "I have summoned you here today to talk of a very important matter. Everything said here today is deemed classified." He waited for Minato and Kushina to nod before continuing. "You have probably noticed that I am getting older."
"Well we didn't want to say anything…"
Sarutobi sent Minato a glare that promised lots of pain if he didn't learn to control his tongue in the near future.
"As I was saying… its time for me to chose a successor. After much debate I have decided that you, Minato, are probably the best candidate."
"YES!" Minato punched the air enthusiastically, a wide grin splitting his face.
"However…" Sarutobi continued.
"No!" Minato retracted his fist from the air returning his arm to his side.
"I am unsure whether or not you can handle the responsibility of caring for the entire village. And so I have devised a test. You will be given charge of this child." He gestured to the infant in Tsunade's arms. "If, after an indiscriminate amount of time, the child remains well cared for you will become the fourth Hokage. Do you accept?"
"So." Minato replied thoughtfully. "All I have to do is take care of that kid for a little while and I become Hokage?" Sarutobi nodded. "Hell yeah I accept!" Minato practically yelled.
Sarutobi nodded. "I expected as much." He then turned to look at Kushina. "You are no doubt wondering why you are here." She nodded. "As you probably realize only a fool would entrust the life of a child solely to Minato."
"Naturally." Came her quick reply.
"Heeeey." Minato whined indignantly.
Sarutobi simply ignored Minato's objection. "And so I ask that you aid him in caring for this child."
"Alright." Kushina agreed. "Ill make sure that kid lives through this experience."
"Excellent!" Sarutobi replied cheerfully. "Your guy's apartment is not suitable for raising a child, so I have arranged for a house, it is already filled with furniture. It is also fully stocked with all the supplies you will need. You guys can take the child home tonight and move in tomorrow. Any questions?"
"Where is the boy from?" Kushina asked.
"Ah," the Hokage replied. "I thought you might ask that. A reconnaissance team found him abandoned just inside our border. Currently we are in the process of searching for his family." Sarutobi beamed, full of pride at being able to come up with such a believable story.
"What is his name?" This time it was Minato's turn to ask the insightful question.
"Uhh…" The smile disappeared from his face as he desperately tried to make something up. "Loki… we just call him Loki."
Love it? Hate it? Let me know.
Nawaki: Tsunade's little brother brother.
Next time on God of Mischief: Foreign shinobi try to starve Minato to death by nailing shut his cupboards. Then Minato decides that Loki is just too much trouble and has to go, but can he show Kushina just how evil the cute little child is?