::Darkness Rises::
The gray sky was nearly blinding as Mika opened her eyes.
Her entire body hurt and she let out a small moan as she sat up in the bed and looked around. Slowly her mind registered that this wasn't her bedroom, it wasn't even her home. She took in the white walls, the muffled sound of monitors beeping, and realized she was in a hospital as the memories of what happened came back to her. She'd woken last night in hysterics, unsure of where she was, until a nurse came to help her and explained she was in a hospital and had been unconscious for a week.
Mika hung her head as she looked at her wrists, trailing her fingers along the gauze. "I'm so stupid," she berated herself, clenching her hands into fists and pounding them against her lap. "What was I thinking?"
"I was wondering that myself?"
Mika's head jerked up and she looked at the door. Tatsuha was leaning in the doorway with his usual smirk on his face, but his eyes were tired and filled with worry. There were lines on his face, under his eyes, showing he hadn't slept well in days, if at all. Mika straightened, pushing her hair behind her ear as she tried to compose herself. "What are you doing here?" she asked, looking away. She couldn't meet her brother's eyes any more.
"What would you do if you heard your sibling just tried to kill themselves?" Tatsuha asked as he walked in, setting a cup of coffee on the table next to Mika's bed while he sat down on the chair that had been pulled close to her bed.
Mika didn't answer for a moment, then she sighed. "I'd wait around at the hospital until they woke up," she answered, fiddling with her hair, still unable to look at her brother.
Suddenly there were arms wrapped around her and Tatsuha's chin was jammed into her shoulder at an odd angle as he tried to pull her as close as he could. It took Mika a moment to realize he was hugging her and that the small ragged noise she was hearing in her ear was the sound of her little brother crying.
"Shhhh, I'm sorry," Mika said softly, wrapping her arms around Tatsuha as she stroked her fingers though his hair and tried to keep herself from crying as well. "Don't cry. Please. I'm sorry." Mika held him tight, moving her legs so he could sit on the bed with her. It was strange. The last time she could remember her yongest brother crying in front of anyone had been the day she left for Tokyo. The last time he'd hugged her was nearly two years ago.
"Why?" he asked and there was a hitch in his voice as he tightened his grip, as if he were afraid she was going to disappear if he let her go. "If you were so depressed you could have come home to Kyoto. I know our father wouldn't have been much fun, but I would have taken care of you… until you were better."
Mika smiled almost bitterly at the irony of the situation. "Thank you," she said quietly, desperately trying to keep the tears from falling as she let go of Tatsuha and pushed him back so she could see his face. She smiled weakly, knowing the tears were in her eyes, tears she hadn't cried in years, as she brushed Tatsuha's own tears away with her fingers. "I'm sorry… I never meant to make you sad… I would never intentionally make you sad."
Tatsuha said nothing for a moment as he composed himself and Mika waited patiently for the question he wanted to ask. Ever since he was a small boy whenever there was something troubling him there was always a small twitch of his left eyebrow. He looked away for a moment, rubbing the rest of his tears away with the sleeve of his jacket. "I know you wouldn't," he finally said, "but why… why would you do that?" His voice became quiet. "Was it because of Tohma?"
Mika jerked back in surprise. Of all the things she had expected her brother to ask she never expected that. She looked down as she tried to think of a way to answer. "Yes… he was part of the reason, but don't be mad at him. I was the one who was stupid and picked up the razor. Actually, it wasn't Tohma's fault, I did this. I just felt completely useless."
"Because I was rude to you last time I saw you," Tatsuha said, looking at her in alarm.
"No," Mika said quickly, grabbing her brother's hands and squeezing them reassuringly. "No, never. Don't ever think such a thing." A part of her wanted to yell at him and tell him it was his fault that he ignored her and treated her badly when she only wanted to spend time with him, but her senses quieted that small voice. She knew it would destroy Tatsuha to think he in anyway contributed to her attempt at suicide. The greatest pain he inflicted on her, the worry that he didn't care, was eliminated by the fact he had traveled all the way from Kyoto and his responsibilities in the temple to see her. She would never let him know that for even a second she thought he didn't care about her. She was his sister and she would protect him from that.
"I come all the way down here and you're already awake," a voice said and both Mika and Tatsuha jumped as they watched Eiri walk into the room and sit down on the chair Tatsuha had dragged close to the bed. He took a cigarette out and put it in his mouth as if he intended to light it. "Now that you're alive I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do." Tatsuha shot him an angry glare before turning toward the window and trying to scrub the last tracks of tears off his face.
Mika stared at Eiri for a moment, taking in every aspect of her brother as if she hadn't looked at him in years. She supposed in some ways she hadn't, always playing the messenger for their father, never taking time to see what he had grown into. She looked at his eyes. The key to understanding Eiri had always been his eyes. They were calmer than they had been in many years, Shuichi's influence, and there was something else…
"I'm surprised to see you here," Mika finally said after a moment, realizing no one had spoken since Eiri had entered the room. She blinked back the tears that had been forming. "I know you don't like hospitals much."
"Never thought you'd be stupid enough to pull a stunt like this," Eiri replied, taking the cigarette out of his mouth and playing with it in his fingers, "thought maybe I'd come and gloat."
"I'm surprised you have time to," Tatsuha said with a smirk as he turned back toward his brother, his emotions once again under control, "between writing and screwing Shuichi."
"Jealous?" Eiri asked with a smirk as Mika winced at the vulgarity and wondered if she should be scolding her brothers. Their father would have a fit if he heard them talking like this. She almost smirked. Their father wasn't here and for a moment she felt like they were all children again, despite the subject matter.
"Unlike some people I'm saving myself for that special person," Tatsuha said with an evil smirk. "Ah, Ryuichi," he said, hugging himself and falling back on the bed. Mika yanked her legs upwards before he fell on them.
"Tatsuha, you have a string of affairs that might be longer than Eiri's," Mika said with a shake of her head as Tatsuha pushed himself up onto his elbows.
"Those aren't serious," he said with a little wave of his hand. Mika rolled her eyes and Eiri snorted as he put the cigarette in his mouth again.
Mika suddenly began to cough, covering her mouth as Tatsuha jumped off the bed and looked at her worriedly. Eiri simply cocked an eyebrow as he looked at her. "Are you okay?" Tatsuha asked, his smirk momentarily gone.
It took Mika a moment of forcing herself to breathe before she stopped coughing. "I'm alright," she said, glad her brothers hadn't called the nurse. "Tatsuha, could you go and get me a glass of water?"
"Sure," he nodded, nearly tripping over a chair as he left the room. Eiri watched him leave with a dour look on his face and it was hard for Mika to see what he was really feeling. It was the natural set of his expression.
"I'm sorry if I caused you trouble," Mika said quietly as Eiri looked back at her. She turned away and looked out the window. The trees were beginning to sprout leaves again. She gently ran her hand over the gauze on her wrist as she watched Eiri's reflection in the window. "Despite what I'm sure you think I have never mean to cause you trouble."
"Can't help what you're good at," he replied, leaning back in his chair.
Mika winced, closing her eyes for a moment before opening them again and turning to her brother. "Why did you come today?" Mika asked, an almost desperate expression on her face. She didn't understand why he would come if he despised her so.
He took the cigarette out of his mouth and rolled it between his fingers as he looked past her and out the window. Mika let out a heavy sigh as she looked down at her lap, letting her hands fall loosely as her sides. She cursed herself for letting him go to New York, for even suggesting it, for not running of the women that had used him for money or connections faster, for not standing up to their father and instead playing lackey. A hand touched hers and the recriminations stopped.
She looked down at the hand on top of hers then up at Eiri. He was still staring out the window, but he'd moved his chair a little closer. "This is all I came to do," he said, playing with the cigarette in the other hand as if it had been lit and continued to stare out the window.
"Ah…" Mika said, a strangled noise escaping her lips before she silenced it as she watched her brother a moment. The look in Eiri's eyes she hadn't been able to identify… he was happy that she was alive. A slight smile appeared on her face as she turned her hand and gave his a light squeeze, when he squeezed back she smiled a little more and looked out the window as well.
She felt like a fool for thinking her brothers didn't care about her. Tatsuha still needed her. Sometimes it was hard to remember that he was only sixteen. Still a young man and sometimes he still needed his older sister for support and love or at least acknowledgment. Eiri, on the other hand, was coming into his own, finally letting go of New York and letting in Tokyo. Their relationship was changing. That was the problem. She hadn't noticed when their relationship had changed from older sister taking care of and protecting her little brother into simply sister and brother on equal footing.
"I'll try not to bother you so much any more," she said quietly as they both continued to stare out the window. "That doesn't mean I'll stop visiting you, but I'll bother you about Kyoto less."
"Do what you want," he replied, though there was a slight spasm in his hand as he gripped her hand tighter. "You're only following the old man's orders."
"If he doesn't disown me for this I'll try to talk to him," Mika said and the room lapsed into silence again. "How's Shuichi?"
"Annoying," was Eiri's only reply, but Mika caught the fond look in his eyes as she turned her head. She was glad he'd finally found somebody.
"Someone has to provide annoyance in your life," Tatsuha said, reentering the room, "and I can't run away from Kyoto all the time."
Eiri gently released his grip on Mika's hand and pulled away as Tatsuha approached and handed Mika her water. She gave a smile and thanked him as he leaned against the wall. It was strange to have both her brothers in the same room under peaceful terms. That hadn't happened in… she thought for a moment… four years or so.
"Visiting hours are over," a small nurse said, coming into the room and staring pointedly at the cigarette Eiri was holding. "I'm afraid you'll have to leave."
"Ah, can't we stay a bit longer?" Tatsuha asked, giving the nurse his most seductive grin.
She paused for a moment then shook her head. "I'm sorry, rules are rules. You can come again tomorrow." Again she gave the Eiri's cigarette a distasteful glare.
"Tatsuha, go and get some sleep," Mika ordered as her brother moved over toward her. "You look like you haven't slept in days," she said, touching his cheek when he was close. "I want you to rest. I'm going to be okay now. I promise nothing will happen between now and when you come again tomorrow, okay?"
He was quiet for a minute. "Okay," he finally agreed. "If you promise."
"I promise," she assured him gently, pushing his hair out of his eyes.
He nodded with a sad look in his eyes as he moved to leave and Mika felt horrible about making him go, but he needed rest and the nurse seemed stubborn enough not to allow his further stay. He gave the nurse a grin and a wink and the woman blushed as he waited for his Eiri at the door.
Eiri got out of the chair and gave Mika a nod as he headed for the door.
"I'll be by to pester you again before you know it," Mika said jokingly, though there was a slight hitch of guilt in her voice.
"I have no doubt," Eiri said, a slight smile on his lips as he lifted the cigarette to his lips and lit it to the horror of the nurse who began chasing after him and Tatsuha down the hallway. Mika smirked.
She leaned back on the pillow and looked out the window at the gray sky and watched the clouds move and the sway of the trees in the wind. She was glad her brothers had come. She hadn't thought they would, of course, she thought grimly, she had hadn't expected to live either. She looked at her wrists, rubbing her right thumb down the gauze where she had cut herself.
"Father must be upset," she said quietly to herself with a sigh as she tried to think of an explanation to give to the man that would prevent his disowning her for the dishonor she had brought upon their family and their name. She let out another sigh and again took comfort in the fact her brothers had come to see her.
But there was still one person who hadn't come to see her.
Tohma.
Her fingers fidgeted on the blankets. He was probably angry with her for pulling such a stupid stunt. It would reflect badly on him. He was in the spotlight and this was sure to effect his reputation, but he could probably cover it up if the media got wind of it.
She sucked in a ragged breath. It hurt that he hadn't come, just seemed to prove that he didn't care. She sighed, shaking her head. She felt as if she was going to cry again, but she wouldn't allow it. A divorce would be messy and reflect badly on both of them and their families. Besides that there was Eiri to think about. He still depended on Tohma in some ways and she couldn't just move back to Kyoto, despite what Tatsuha might want. She pressed her hands against her forehead. Why did everything have to be so difficult?
There was the sound of footsteps in the hallway and Mika made a slight groan. It was probably the nurse coming to berate her about her brothers' actions. She looked up as the steps entered the room and as she did the rebuttal she had been preparing died in her throat.
Tohma.
He closed the door as he walked into the room. He seemed to virtually glide across the floor as he walked toward her bed, tossing his coat onto the chair Eiri had vacated only a few minutes before. "I was glad to hear you were finally awake," he said softly as he took a seat in the chair, taking off his hat.
Mika blinked for a moment, her mouth agape while she collected her thoughts. "I thought visiting hours were over," were the only words that came to her.
Tohma jerked slightly in surprise and blinked at her a moment. "Would you like me to leave?" he asked and Mika saw that momentary flash of hurt in his eyes.
"No," Mika said, shaking her head. "It's just that a nurse chased Tatsuha and Eiri out of here a few minutes ago because visiting hours were over."
He gave her a charming smile and Mika winced. She hated that smile. It meant that he was hiding his feelings from her. "I spoke with the head nurse so that it will be okay," he said and Mika shook her head. Trust Tohma to bend the unbendable rules. "How are you feeling?" he asked as the smile fell from his face.
"I'm in a hospital and my wrists itch something awful," Mika said, cursing her own snippy tone as she let out a sigh, "I'm alright, Tohma."
Tohma actually frowned. "Mika, what happened?"
Mika looked away. It was strange to have her husband talking to her like this. "Tohma, you saw what happened," she said quietly, her voice almost ready to crack. "I was stupid and tried to kill myself and you came home and saved me and I'm sorry."
"I meant what happened to us," he said, his voice as quiet as her own. "I used to know everything about you… I thought I did anyway."
"Tohma, you know better than to think like that," Mika said as she toyed with her fingers. "We've always tried to keep secrets from one another, that's always been our problem."
"But we've always found them out and worked though them," Tohma said softly, "is that our problem too?"
Mika was silent for a moment. "No, that was our strength."
Silence fell between them.
"What did I do?" Tohma finally asked and his voice was strangely hoarse. "I caused this, didn't I?"
It was a moment before Mika finally spoke. "No, it was my own insecurities and stupidity that caused this," she said almost bitterly. "I just felt as if no one cared if I was alive or dead and I had no where to go. I thought that Tatsuha no longer wanted to deal with me and that Eiri truly wished me dead or vanished. I thought that I could solve everyone's problem by disappearing The hurting would stop and no one would be forced to deal with me anymore," her voice had been rising as she spoke and now it dropped to a whisper, "that you could be free again to do what ever you wanted with whoever you wanted without having to worry about the fact you had a wife."
Again silence fell between them.
Tohma stood up from his chair and walked over to the window, watching the trees blow in the dwindling daylight. Mika watched him through her hair as she hunched in on herself in shame. She watched as he stood there and watched the trees outside. It was impossible to see the look on his face and she thought that was probably for the best. If she saw the disgust that she knew he was feeling she might not be able to keep her promise to Tatsuha.
"Forgive me," Tohma said and his voice was low and hoarse in a way she'd never heard before as she raised her head. "Please, forgive me," he said again, not looking away from the window. "I never knew I was hurting you so much. I would never…"
"There's nothing to forgive Tohma. It's not your fault that you love your music and your company so much. I knew that when I married you," Mika said softly as she brushed her hair behind her ear. It wasn't meant as an accusation, but she feared that was how it sounded. "It's not your fault that you love Eiri mor…"
"That's not true!"
Mika's entire body jumped as Tohma slammed his hand against the window. She hadn't heard Tohma raise his voice in years and she didn't think she'd ever heard him raise his voice in anger. She looked at his back as he stood with his hand pressed against the window.
"That's not true," he said again, this time it was barely a whisper. There was silence for a moment and then he spoke again, still not turning to her. "Mika, you are the most important person to me. I know… I know I don't treat you like that, but you truly are. You're the only person who knows me… you're the only person that cares to know me. I love my music, when I was young it was the only thing that kept me sane… you know that… you know why; you're the only person that knows." He took a moment to take in a breath of air and Mika could see the slight quiver of his shoulders as he relived his memories a moment, but before she could speak he continued. "I enjoy being a producer and working in the music industry and NG was simply my inheritance. It takes a lot of work to be a producer and the president, but I could give those things up if you truly wanted me to.
"As for Eiri," he trailed off a moment and Mika felt a tightness in her chest as she waited. "I can't help that I love him. There are moments like this when I wish I could, but as you once said, 'we can't help who we love. We can only be happy with what we have.' I am happy Mika. I may love Eiri the most, but we both know that even if he shared my feelings it wouldn't work, and I'm not sure I'd wish to lose you in any case. You honestly are the most important person to me. You did something no one else ever did. " He stopped for a moment. "You love and care about me; you made the lowliness go away."
He took a moment to breathe in before as he spoke again, his voice trembling just slight. "And if you want to leave me just say so. I don't want to hurt you like this any more. I… I love you," he finally said, and Mika knew how hard it was for him to say those three words that made almost everything better.
She listened to him breathe for a moment, watching the slight shake of his shoulders before she swung her legs off the bed and walked over to him. Slowly she touched his shoulders and turned him toward her, brushing her thumb over his cheek and wiping the tears away. "I just need to hear that once in a while," she said softly as she gently pulled him over to sit with her on the bed. "I'm sorry I tried to kill myself. I never wanted to hurt you and I didn't think I would. I don't want to leave if you want me to say. And I don't want you to give up anything. I love you," she said, her voice wavering a bit as Tohma leaned forward and hugged her around the waist. She wrapped her arm around his shoulder and began to stoke his hair. "We're both stubborn people. We can't help that, but I'll try to talk to you more if you'll try to talk to me more, like we used to."
"I'll try," Tohma said, tightening his grip as Mika pulled the thin hospital blanket over them.
They sat like that for a while. Tohma hugging her tightly around the waist as she gently stroked his hair. Mika watched the last of the light fade from the sky, musing that it had been a long time since her and Tohma had just held each other. In their younger years they'd held each other all the time, sometimes to keep warm, sometimes lustfully, sometimes to fall asleep, sometimes just to tell stories, and sometimes when they told each other their most painful secrets. A nurse came in at one point and looked about ready to say something, but retreated under the death glare Mika gave her.
"Why were you home from New York so early anyway?" Mika asked in a sudden fit of curiosity as her mind replayed the day of her attempted suicide.
Tohma seemingly reluctantly pulled away from her. His face was back to its usual pleasant expression and for once Mika was glad to see it, it seemed an honest look for once. "I remembered something I had yet to do," he said as he got off the bed and pulled something out of his jacket pocket and tossed it to her.
She caught it and turned the little box around in her hands as she looked at him curiously as he took a seat in the chair. He made a gesture for her to open it. She raised an eyebrow and then looked back at the box, carefully cracking it open. Inside was a slender silver chain with a small pendant. She pulled it out and looked at the pendant; it was an iris made of silver and delicately painted in a blue-purple color with the slightest touches of yellow inside. It was beautiful, but she didn't understand. She looked up at Tohma, then back at the necklace.
"Oh!" she said in surprise as she remembered.
It had been nearly eight years ago. They'd been walking down the street with Ryuichi and Noriko when it had caught her eye in the window of a department store. She'd stopped to look at it for a moment and Noriko had teased her about it being too classy for an abbot's daughter, while Kumagoro had assured her it was very pretty.
"I'll get it for you," Tohma had said closing his eyes and smiling at her charmingly as Noriko had pulled Ryuichi into a headlock. "When I have the money for it."
Mika remembered smirking and shoving him in the direction of the club they were going to, telling him to keep his money for useful things like food. He'd sidestepped, nearly sending her falling onto the ground, but fortunately he'd caught her around the waist before she hit the concrete. Swinging her back on to her feet he'd smiled at her again. "Really, I'll get it for you someday."
She'd sighed and ruffled his hair, knowing that sometimes it was impossible to argue with her friend. She'd gotten out of his grip and pointed a finger at him. "Alright, once you're a mega-popular rock star you can buy it for me," she'd declared as Noriko and Ryuichi had watched with somewhat amused expressions, "but not a day before."
Tohma had given her one of his evil, business grins all those years ago as he'd told her: "Deal."
"I was finally able to find one like it," Tohma said, breaking her from the memory, "in New York of all places."
"I can't believe you remembered after all these years," Mika said, spinning the necklace in front of her face. It was as beautiful as it had been all those years ago behind the glass of the department store.
"I said I'd get it for you," Tohma replied as Mika's hand clasped around the necklace and her hands fell into her lap. Her shoulders began to shake as she leaned her head forward so that her hair obscured her face. "Mika?" he asked, standing in alarm and walking to the bed.
Mika felt herself crying as she grabbed hold of Tohma and pressed her face against his chest. "Thank you," she said through her tears as he ran his delicate fingers lightly through her hair and murmured softly to her.
Mika held Tohma tight as his fingers played though her hair. She regretted trying to kill herself; it had been a stupid, selfish whim that had hurt her those she loved and cared for most. But now she knew that Tatsuha and Eiri loved her. That Tohma loved her. She closed her eyes and burned those facts into her memory, so that she would never forget that people cared for her ever again.
Slowly she could feel the tormenting darkness in her heart begin to fade away…
---
Author's notes: So sad… it's over. But everyone got their wish, Mika lived! Man, this was a long part… it just kept going and going. I hope it kept with the tone of the others and I kept the characterization I was going for… and I hope everyone enjoyed it though. ^_^ Sorry for the people that it was difficult to find, but I kind of thought of it as separate stories but together (like starwars has many parts but it's the same story) so I posted it that way. Oh, fixed the problem about the anonymous reviews. Didn't know that had been clicked. Sorry! I'm slowly working on a long fic (that all the chapters will be posted as one story) about Mika's life, as well as a few short one shots, but I'm not sure when I'll get those finished up. Thank you so much to the people that read all of this, especially those of you that have reviewed each part and even gotten in trouble for reading it. ^_~ Thank you all sooo much!!!