Sadly Blue Ocean, a digimon fanfic

SADLY BLUE OCEAN

Disclaimer: I do not own anything but my storyline. Don't sue me!

Authors note: A sad oneshot. Taito. The usual sad stuff; character death, angst, love. May force tears if I succeed. ;;

SADLY BLUE OCEAN

I wish you were here. Nothing will ever be the same without you. I'm aching; my heart's trembling. I feel as if I'm gonna throw up, though I'm not. I'm crying without tears, because I've run out of them. If you were here, I would take every single punch, every mean word, everything. I would let you yell at me, I would let you kick my ass. Because without you, I'm so freaking empty. I don't know where to go or what to do. You've always been here. Now afterwards, I realise that I took you for granted. Did I ever tell you I love you? I guess not. At least not often enough. I should have appreciated you more, because I really did love you. And now when you're gone, I'm just aching. I feel as if I'm gonna throw up. I'm aching. Screw the world; here's no justice. I'm just aching in the dark. Screaming. Alone. Fuck it.

I've never considered myself a religious person. What exists exists, and that's it. We don't have to know who created it. Why can't we let that stay undiscovered? Even though we don't realise it, we're removing every sense of magic and mysteries from this world. If we had let some things stay the way they were, if we hadn't been so desperate to know everything, then maybe the world would have been a better place. Because nowdays people don't believe. They don't have to. We humans have to decipher everything, because we're so scared of the unknown, even though we don't want to admit it. Slowly, we're killing everything close to us in our search for knowledge just because we're afraid. Afraid of everything that can't be written down on a piece of paper. Afraid of the unknown. Afraid of the darkness.

I'm not afraid of the darkness. This soft darkness, surrounding me, embracing me. Never leaving me, never turning its back against me, and always being there for me. No one understands this. Why I shut the door to my bedroom, sitting on my bed in the complete darkness. They think I'm crazy, I can see that in their eyes. Maybe I am. But I like it here in the darkness, in my darkness. Hidden from the rest of the world.

I've never considered myself a religious person. Yet I pray. Oh yes, I pray. While sitting here in the darkness where no one can hear me. Always the same prayer. Though, it hasn't been answered in any way. But I keep on praying. Because that is my only hope. My only hope in a world of emptiness. My only hope.

Should I tell something about myself? My name is Yamato Ishida, but my friends usually call me Matt. My friends. I like them all a lot, I really do, but they would never understand. Never understand what I go through every time I wake up in the morning. The fear, the doubts, most of all the feeling that nothing matters. I always manage to convince myself to go on, every single morning is a fight for life. Pathetic, I know. But I can't help it; I'm caught in a net of dust and poison. Since you left, there's no reason to go on. Since you left there's nothing to live for. Since you left…

But now I'm loosing the subject. I was trying to describe myself. I'm sixteen; I live with my father in a small flat in a tedious town. My mother and brother doesn't live with us, but I see my brother Takeru almost every day since we're in the same school. My dad's a workaholic, so I spend the most of my time in this apartment alone these days.

In my spare time… I don't know what I do in my spare time anymore. Back then, when everything was like it was supposed to be, I used to practise with my band every now and then. But now, I can't do that. I'm aching too much.

I've never quite understood how alone I am. Because you were always here, always hanging around. So often that sometimes I had to tell you to leave; I needed privacy. How I regret that. I would give my life and my entire soul just to spend one single minute with you.

I try to deny it, I try to forget. But the memories won't go away. No matter how much I scream, no matter how much I cry; the memories are left. I remember you. Maybe it's a curse. Yes, maybe. I remember your last word, as if it's written in my heart. "Yama..."

I've known you for several years. We started as enemies, but soon became friends. The very best of friends. I was closer to you than I've ever been to anyone. That day, that cursed day; I remember it so well.

"Yama!"

I jerked around.

"Tai, you scared me!"

You shrugged and smiled and I couldn't help smiling back, as usual. You had the most wonderful smile.

"So, Yama, what's up?" you asked.

I didn't quite get the question. I was to busy just staring at you. Your brown hair was even more wild and tousled than usual; begging to be touched. Your brown eyes were sparkling with joy. The white T-shirt was a bright contrast to your tanned skin and showed the muscle you had from playing soccer all summer. You were gorgeous, and I could see the girls who were passing by glance at you.

"Earth to Matt, earth to Matt! Are you there?"

"Huh?"

You looked at me, obviously amused.

"What was that about?"

"What?" I asked, trying to fight back the slight blush on my cheek.

"That staring. You seemed pretty lost in thought."

"Oh. Yeah, I guess. Whatever."

I tried to regain my coolness. Yamato Ishida doesn't blush; a well-known fact.

You started walking and I followed. It was a warm summer day, with a bright blue heaven and birds singing in the trees. Lovers walked through the park, hand-in-hand, kissing and laughing.

"So, what shall we do?" I asked.

"I dunno."

We kept walking for a while, remaining silent. It was late afternoon and the air had a golden colour that made everything look magic. You looked at me with sparkling eyes, the usual smile on your lips.

"Wow, Yama", you said breathlessly.

"What?"

"I know this probably sound silly, but you really look like an angel."

I looked away and blushed.

"I mean it", you said. "Gosh, boy, you're beautiful."

My cheeks were burning and when I answered, my voice was shaking.

"Um…thanks."

We got silent again, but this time it was an embarrassing silence.

"We could…maybe…go see Kari and the guys?" you suggested.

I nodded, relieved to have something else than you to concentrate at. You got your cell-phone out of your pocket and dialled your sister's number.

"Hi Kari, Tai here … Yes… No… What are you... okay…? Daisuke and Takeru… no… The park… Yeah… Mhm… Five minutes… Good… Yeah, see ya…Bye."

You ended the call and turned to me.

"They're here in five minutes", you said.

"Good."

I wasn't really my old cool self that evening. I think you noticed, because you glanced at me every now and then, looking slightly worried. I think the rest of the guys noticed too, since they treated me as if I was made of glass. Maybe they thought I was sick. Yeah, they probably did. And so I was. I was lovesick.

We went to see a movie at the cinema. I don't even remember what movie it was though. I had only eyes for you. Sitting there next to you in the darkness made my heart pound like never before. Yes, I was in love with you. I'm not ashamed to say that. I, Yamato Ishida, was deeply in love with another boy, my best friend.

After the movie, we just walked along the streets. Daisuke was fooling around, trying to get Kari's attention. You laughed at him, and my heart ached. I had never heard something so beautiful. I really acted like a lovesick puppy that evening. And everyone noticed that, looking at me all oddly.

I think it was around 9 p.m. Well, 9.34 to be exact. I happen to remember that.

We thought we should take the bus, to get home quicker and all that. There were a lot of people on the bus, meaning there were barely any seats left for us. So I sat down in your lap. You wrapped your arms around me and rested your chin on my shoulder. I snuggled up closer to your chest. I saw Kari glance at us and whisper something to Takeru. They giggled. But I didn't care. Because I was closer to you than ever. I think that was the happiest moment in my life.

And then it happened. I remember a flash of light and a scream. I felt everything turn around and around and around and then stop with a crash.

Then there was silence.

I felt a slight pain in my shoulder and something wet ran down my face. I looked around, and even though everything was dizzy. Around me I saw people lying in weird positions everywhere. The bus seamed to be upside down in a weird way and it smelled like smoke. And then I saw your face, covered in blood. You're eyes were open and glowing with pain.

"Yama…" you whispered. "Yama… I…"

You breathed heavily. Then there was another flash of lighting, all suddenly, and I think I passed out.

When I woke up, I stared right into the face of a doctor.

"Good evening, Mr Ishida", he said.

My head and shoulder were both throbbing with pain.

"What happened?" I mumbled.

"The bus got hit by another bus", the doctor said. "And then by a lorry. You're really lucky to be alive."

I nodded weakly. Then it hit me what he just said. Within a second, I was standing in front of him.

"Mr. Ishida! You should lie down, you're hurt…"

"Where are the others?" I asked.

"What others?" he asked, trying to get me back into bed.

"My friends!"

"Oh. They're…"

"Where?" I screamed.

"Next door. But you should lie down…"

I don't know why he didn't stop me. Maybe he saw how upset I was. Maybe he thought that I had the right to see my friends. Maybe he gave up. I don't know. And honestly, I don't care.

I got out into the corridor and then pushed up the next door. There were a few beds in the big room, containing people I didn't know. A nurse with the usual nurse-smile on her face stopped me.

"Who are you?" she asked.

"I have to see my friends!"

"Why don't we calm down and go back to bed?" she said with that silly kind of voice people use while talking to a baby or a hamster. "Come here, we'll go back to your room…"

She tried to push me out of the room. Then I saw a face I knew.

"Kari!"

I rushed towards her bed and got a deep shock. She looked miserable, with a big bandage around her head and her leg plastered.

"Kari?" I breathed.

She looked at me. And then tears filled up in her eyes.

"Kari? What's wrong?"

She sobbed and looked at me through her tears. I have never seen a pair of eyes look as sad as Kari's did that day. They made my soul bleed.

"Matt?"

I jerked around and saw Takeru and Davis in the next two beds, wrapped up in bandages and bruised like hell.

"TK, where's Tai?" I asked.

My little brother didn't answer.

"I said; where's Tai?"

"He's not here, Matt."

"What? He left already?"

"No… Matt…"

"What?"

"Matt, he didn't make it."

I remember the sound of my own heart beating faster and faster and with the sound of Kari's crying in my ears I fell down to the floor and passed out.

I only have vague memories of your funeral. It was beautiful, I guess, with all the white roses and candles. All of your friends, our classmates and a lot of other people from school, the soccer team, a bunch of girls I didn't know, your family; everyone was there. And everyone was crying.

The preacher held a speech. He told everyone about you, about how caring and nice and courageous you were in life. How terrible it was to have you taken from us so young.

As if we didn't know that already.

I didn't cry. Not even when the preacher spoke about your wonderful smile and your soccer skills, about you always standing up for the weak ones and how honourable you were; even then I didn't cry.

But later that day, when almost everyone had left, the Digidestinied stayed. The girls cried their hearts out at your tombstone, and the guys discretely wiped their tears away. However Daisuke couldn't control his sobbing and Takeru's face was pale as a ghost's. Sora and Mimi cried until they were close to passing out, and Kari just stared at the church, her lips moving as if she was praying. When everybody had calmed down a bit, we sat down in the green grass. Talking about you, sharing memories. Talking about old times, talking about you. And they cried some more. And we spoke about your smile, your humour, your kindness. About the Digiworld. About how nothing was going to be the same again without you. No one filled your place; it was like an empty hole. No one who smiled, made us cheer up and told weird jokes. That was the saddest thing I've ever gone through. No one of us understood how you could be just gone. Daisuke placed your old goggles at the tomb. And then there was more crying. Oh boy, how we missed you. We ached as hell.

We stayed for about two or three hours, talking about you. I didn't cry.

Then everyone left, still crying, and let me have a while alone with you. And then my tears came. I cried and I screamed for hours; I got myself so tired that I had to lie down. And I spent the rest of the night at the graveyard, reading the text on the tombstone over and over again.

"Here lay

Taichi Yagami.

Loved by family and friends.

Taken from us at young age.

Rest in peace."

I'm so angry. You had your whole life in front of you. You were one of the best persons I've ever met. Why you? Why not me? I should be the one laying there in the cold ground.

Though death scares me. The thought that I'm going to die sooner or later has always made me freak out. But now, I'm not afraid to die. I'm only afraid that I won't meet you on the other side. If I don't… well…

But you came to me last night. In my dreams. As a white dove you flew to me, to my room. You didn't say anything, just looked at me with your brown eyes until I burst into tears. When I woke up I was still crying. I took the dream as a sign.

That's why I've written this down. The one who reds this has to know how I thought. Maybe it'll be dad, maybe Takeru.

I don't want people to cry. I don't want people to stop their lives as I did. I want them to be happy. And I want a funeral as beautiful as yours.

I'm coming to you now, Taichi. I hope you're waiting for me. I said I'd give up my life and entire soul for you. And that's true. I want to know what you were going to say back then in the bus, when you lay there, dying. "Yama…I…" You what? Love me? I want to know. Because I love you so fucking much. So I come to you now.

I hope you wait for me. I really hope so. Because this is hard for me. They said suicide is painless. They lied.

Okay, maybe a little sad, and that stuff with the dove in the end were quite silly, but whatever…

R&R

Love

Snowflake