A/N: Written for SanNami Week 2016, Day 5 - Fairy Tale. This is a lot of... Randomness. XD
Once upon a time, there was a boy who wanted to be a prince. But there was no way he could be a prince, because he was nothing more than a lowly chef's assistant who had weird curly eyebrows. The little boy grew up to be a fine young man who could cook better than anyone else, but he still was no prince and because of that the young man was sad.
One day, his foster father, the peg-legged head chef, told him, "You've moped around here long enough. Time to seek your fortune!" And he booted the young man out of the house with his peg leg. "Come back when you're a prince! Don't forget your luggage!" He tossed a bag out and it snapped open as it bounced on the ground and came to a stop beside the young man. It contained two three-piece suits, three sets of underwear, an extra pair of shoes, a comb, a razor, a toothbrush, and thirty packs of cigarettes.
"Who packs like this?!" yelled the young man.
A small bag came flying out and he caught it before it hit the ground. This bag contained some money. Not much, but some.
Muttering darkly, the young man picked up the suitcase and started on his journey… And soon found himself standing by the beach (the young man lived on a small island where it didn't take very long to reach the ocean, no matter where you were on it).
"And what does that old man expect me to do? Walk in circles around this island?"
He sat down on the sand and lit a cigarette. Come back when you're a prince, his foster father had said. What sort of command was that? How did one just become a prince? He could see two ways about it: miraculously discover that he was actually the son of a king, or find a princess to marry. The first one really wasn't likely. The second was his best hope.
"How am I supposed to find a princess to marry me?" he asked no one in particular.
There was a poof and a clang, and a man with green hair appeared in front of him.
"What the -?! Who the hell are you?" exclaimed the young man, jumping up.
The green-haired man made an annoyed sound and yawned. "Be more respectful, curly-brow brat. I'm your fairy godfather and you just woke me up from a nice long nap!"
"Fairy… Godfather. Okay." He stared at him. There were three swords hanging from one side of his belt, and a flask of sake on the other side. "What's with the three swords?"
"They're for me to stab irritating godsons with. Now shut up and listen to me. You wanna know how to find a princess to marry? Take a boat and go west. No, I meant east. Yes, east. That way." The fairy godfather pointed to his left.
The young man looked askance at him. "East is the other way." He pointed in the opposite direction.
"Whatever. Go THAT way." The fairy godfather pointed to his left again.
It didn't seem at all wise to follow this guy's directions.
"Go that way," continued the fairy godfather. "Straight on until you reach the next island. You'll find the Wise Old Woman of Ohara there. She'll tell you what to do next."
"Right. And how do I get there? I don't have a boat."
"That's not my problem," said the fairy godfather. "Figure it out yourself. That's part of the challenge." He disappeared with a yawn and a pop.
The young man stood staring at the ocean for a while. There were no visiting ships there at the moment, so how could he get to the next island? And was that even the right direction? That so-called fairy godfather hardly seemed to know left from right.
He went back into the town and asked around. The local shipwright, Franky, told him that a boat with a ram for a figurehead had just docked that morning at the main port. He could try asking there, perhaps.
And so it was that the young man met Captain Usoland of the Going Merry and his sidekick, Monkey D, and agreed to sail with them as their cook until he could find the Wise Old Woman of Ohara. Later the young man would discover that Monkey D was actually the captain and Usoland was just a big fat liar. Usoland had paid for that.
They arrived at an island – the young man wasn't even sure it was the right island, given that his "fairy godfather" had given such vague and somewhat untrustworthy directions – and began a search for the Wise Old Woman of Ohara. But they didn't find her. All they found was a flamboyant man who paraded around all day in ballet outfits and ballet shoes that had swan heads at the toes.
The flamboyant ballerina man said, "I have heard of the Wise Old Woman of Ohara, though! Apparently she lives in a cave guarded by a giant crocodile."
"Any idea where this cave is?" asked the young man.
"I don't give away information like that for free!" said the ballerina man. "I challenge you to a duel!"
"Fine."
It was a hard fight; the ballerina man looked weird but he was strong. The young man won, of course, and the ballerina man told him that the Wise Old Woman's island was several hundred leagues north of that one.
So northwards they went.
But they got sidetracked because midway, Captain Monkey saw a mysterious trail of bubbles floating several inches above the ocean's surface and wanted to follow the trail. The bubbles led them to yet another island, where they discovered that the bubbles were actually soap bubbles created by a beautiful woman in a short black dress and fishnet stockings.
The young man, Captain Monkey, and Usoland, stood on the deck of the ship, gazing at her in awe.
"Come join me," she said invitingly. "My Golden Hour is about to start. We'll have tea and cakes and we'll… Enjoy ourselves."
"Yes," said Captain Monkey.
"Sure," said Usoland.
"With pleasure," said the young man.
Suddenly, lightning struck. The woman screamed. Rain began to fall. The winds came, howling like invisible wolves. The winds blew so hard that they picked up the three men and deposited them far away from lady in the fishnet stockings. They all sat up, looking dazed and confused.
A young lady stood there, looking at them disapprovingly. She held a tall blue staff and had windswept orange hair. The young man snapped out of his daze immediately. This was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen.
"What's wrong with you all?" she said. "Don't you know that's the Ninth Witch? She lures men in with her magic bubbles and her stupid Golden Hour tea time and then she feeds them to her pets!"
"What?" said Usoland, whose wits had returned. "You mean we were nearly turned into pet food?"
"Yes!" said the lady in exasperation. "She has a leopard and a giraffe. And yes, the giraffe eats human flesh too!"
Usoland fainted.
"Then… You have saved us, lady!" cried the young man. "Was the lightning and the wind of your doing?"
"Yes, yes. It's my specialty, this weather thing."
"You're cool," said Captain Monkey. "Join my crew!"
It turned out that the young lady was a good navigator too, and that was extremely useful as they immediately discovered that they had been heading south all along, not north.
With a new course laid in, they resumed their journey to help the young man find his princess.
It was a long and arduous journey, but in the end they made it to the Wise Old Woman's cave, where Captain Monkey beat up the giant crocodile so they could get it.
The Wise Old Woman – who certainly did not look old at all – said, "Go to the Island of Seven Waters and there you will find a princess. If you can help her find her father, she shall marry you."
"Will there be dragons there?" asked Captain Monkey.
"Oh, how did you know?" said the Wise Old Woman. "There is a dragon, certainly. And the Company of a Hundred Beasts. The Island of Seven Waters is not for the faint-hearted."
"YAY!" Captain Monkey danced around in glee. He had always wanted to fight dragons and beasts.
"Dragons and beasts, and a princess that needs saving, huh?" said the young man. "Interesting."
The other two did not look happy in the least.
The Island of Seven Waters, according to their navigator, would take them seven days and seven nights to reach. They set off immediately.
After three days and four nights, dark purple clouds began to gather on the horizon. Light rain began to fall. The navigator saw this and said, "We have to turn around! It's the Aqua Laguna! It's a massive storm that hits once every year and it can be fatal! We can't go this way!"
"But what about my princess?" shouted the young man.
"If you die on the way, you won't be alive to see any princess!" screamed the navigator.
So they turned the ship around and attempted to outrun the great storm. Alas, although they escaped the eye of the storm, they were still caught by the turbulent waves, heavy rain and winds. The navigator was almost thrown overboard at one point, but the young man saved her by catching her round the waist just in time.
The Going Merry was in need of serious repairs by the time the storm passed, and the Monkey Crew were forced to land at the nearest island. The island looked deserted, except for a tall, gloomy-looking castle up on a hill. Captain Monkey insisted on visiting this castle so with the exception of Usoland, who stayed to make repairs, they made a little expedition to check it out.
They arrived at the castle without much trouble (except for running into a giant half-cat, half-snake creature that tried to eat them). Captain Monkey rapped on the front door and hallooed loudly.
The door creaked open.
A very tall man with piercing eyes stepped out. He carried a huge sword on his back.
"Who are you?"
"I'm Monkey D!" said Captain Monkey. "Do you have any food? Can we see your castle?"
The tall man stared at him but didn't answer. He looked at Captain Monkey's two companions.
"Oh!" said the navigator. "I'm Nami."
The young man said, "My name is Sanji."
The navigator and the young man looked at each other and realized that up until that point they hadn't known each other's names. They had just been calling each other "Navigator" and "Cook."
... ... ...
Sanji burst out laughing.
Nami looked offended and pushed at the arm he had draped over her shoulders. "Hey, you asked me to tell you a fairytale out of the blue! I'm just making it up as I go along!"
"I would've been all right with any old story," he said. "I didn't expect you to come up with one on the fly. It's a funny one though! I'm enjoying it." Nami's expression softened and he smiled at her, letting his right arm fall back in place around her shoulders. "So tell me: does the young man in your story find a princess to marry? How does the story end?"
She looked at him for a few moments and then said, "He finds out that he's the son of Empress Hancock so he doesn't need to marry a princess because he's a prince already. He does meet a beautiful princess named Viola but he can't marry her."
"Why not?"
"Because he had to free her from an evil flamingo, and when he defeated the flamingo, the flamingo cursed him with the inability to consummate a marriage. The end."
Sanji winced. "A sad fate!"
Nami smirked.
"It is a good thing that's just a fairytale though," said Sanji, toying with the ring on her left hand. "Otherwise it would make our wedding night pretty awkward, wouldn't it?"
"It would," she agreed, snuggling closer to him. "Okay. Your turn. Now you tell me a story."
"Hmmm." He tapped his chin with a finger. "Well, once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there lived a husband and wife in a cottage in a grove of orange trees…"