A/N: Okay first things first, this will not most definitely not be a happy, fluffy, fic and I warn anyone who doesn't want to be saddend to go now and not read this story. So, this is an idea I had as a follow on to Hisa-Ai's amazing fic "forever and always", Which I recommend you read before this, not only to get context to this piece, but because it is probably one of the single best pieces of fanfiction I have ever read. Seriously go read it, I'll still be here when you get back.
Brief summary: Nick's actions following the aftermath of Jess' death in a car crash after driving away from Cece's non-wedding.
Oh, and a great thanks to Hisa-Ai for giving me permission to do this follow on and for helping me get this story to a much more presentable standard
Last warning for those who are just looking for fluff to go away….. Enjoy.
It's been two days. Two days since the sky turned black as the sun fell from the sky forever. Two days since he lost…. Her.
Nick lay on his bed and wished for numbness to consume him, but still he continued to hurt. He physically hurt. It wasn't because of his injuries, no that would be too simple. He felt like he was collapsing in on himself, like he was empty with his whole body crushing his heart. This pain controlled him, it was him he thought to himself, well, the only part that was still there.
These last two days were a blur to Nick, a blur of his cracked white wall and his constant thoughts, well, thought. The only thing Nick could see when he closed his eyes and let his thoughts takeover, was her; battered, bruised, broken and most of all scared. Oh god, the fear in her eyes was worst of all, she knew what was coming.
"Why couldn't it have been me" his voice came out a cracked whisper. Now is when he knew tears would fall, if he had any left. He was completely empty. He had used every single drop of water from his body that night, there were no more tears left to fall. It was also that night he had shut himself away. He arrived home in the morning after…. He couldn't bring himself to think it, and he went straight to his door, gaze unwavering, as he knew just one look to that door… her door… he would be done; he would never forgive himself.
He hadn't seen the others these past days, but he knew they'd been to see him. Every now and again he'd notice some food or some drink just sitting on the floor next to his bed, letting him know his friends were there for him even if they weren't completely there for themselves.
He just wanted more time with her, that's why he'd gone the long way. The irony of the situation just hurt him more. He should have just gone straight home, maybe then she would still be here, with him. If he just hadn't been so goddam selfish she would still be here, with him. It was all his own goddam fault.
"No…"
His breath caught and he hurriedly sat up. It was the one voice he would never forget, he would remember it forever and always.
"Don't blame yourself, you promised me you wouldn't"
"But it is my fault! I am the reason you're not here! If I wasn't a selfish bastard you would still be here!" He screamed at the air, not thinking about other people hearing, just focusing on the only thing that ever mattered to him. Her.
"No! It isn't your fault! I need you to keep that promise for me, Nick." The last line was lost to a whisper that circled his head, absorbing in to him.
He had never broken a promise. Never. And especially, never one to Jess. He couldn't start now.
"It's so hard, Jess. I need to blame something because you never deserved this….."
His voice was lost to the air as he wished for a reply that never came. He curled up into himself, catching sight of the bright green cast on his right hand. He could feel it building, for the first time in two days hot tears stung the back of his eyes. But these weren't tears of sadness these were tears of regret, off self-loathing finally consuming him finally getting him….
Nick's bubble of guilt was burst by the ringing of his mobile with some annoyingly happy tune Jess had set as his ringtone a few months ago. He turned to the phone unsure of whether he had actually spoken to her or if it was just what remained of her in his head.
He needed to stop that ringing. He picked up the phone, ready to dismiss whoever thought they needed Nick Miller right now, but paused when he saw it was the police.
"Hello?"
"Hello is this Mr Nicholas Miller?"
"Speaking."
"Hello sir, I'm calling on behalf of LAPD to tell you the man who hit your car two days ago, Mr Darnell Austin, has been arrested and will face charges for drunk driving and for being behind the wheel while he has no valid licence. I would like….."
Nick ended the call. He didn't know who Darnell Austin was or where he came from, but he hated him, he hated him more than he knew he would ever hate anyone ever.
For the first time in two days Nick left his room. He walked straight through the empty loft to the door, and slammed it behind him as he stormed past. It would take about ten minutes by foot to get where he was going.
…
Nick walked slowly through the door to the loft to be met with the sight of Schmidt sitting on the sofa doing nothing, just sitting there. His gaze, clouded by what were obviously the remnants of tears, turned to Nick as he heard him enter.
"Nick? You're up?" Schmidt asked with slight trepidation as he raised himself from the sofa, obviously still unsure how to treat his best friend at the moment.
"Yeah" replied Nick his tone unmoving, empty.
"It's good to see you on your feet." Schmidt said with an attempt at a small smile.
"Schmidt, I need you to kill me." Nick said it so bluntly that it scared Schmidt even before he realised what he said.
"Wait, What?! What sort of sick joke is this, Nicholas?! Why are you asking me this?! Admittedly I have wanted to kill you in the past, but I would never do that! You're my best friend!" Nick saw the confusion mixed with fear in Schmidt's face but remained unaffected. His mind was made up.
"You're the first one I saw, Schmidt that's why. I want to be with her Schmidt, I can't be without her" He felt himself plead the last of what he said
"I know how much you love her Nick, but you've still got a life, live it! If not for yourself, do it for her." Nick knew he was trying to reason with him, but only felt anger bubble within him.
"I have nothing Schmidt." He stated raising his voice. "I don't have a life anymore"
"You have me, you have Winston, and you have your family. Not to mention all the people I can't name that you know." Deep down Nick felt bad for the wounded look on Schmidt's face right now, which had now been brought mere inches in front of his own, but he had to make his friend understand what he meant.
"You don't get it Schmidt! None of that matters anymore! I'm not living anymore!" He full on shouted in his friend's face, fists clenched by his sides.
"What the hell are you on about, Nick?!" Schmidt's voice rose to the same level as Nick's.
"I died the moment she did! I died when the world turned black! I died when the sunshine fell from the sky! I am not living, Schmidt! I am dead! I merely exist!" The venom he shouted with scared Schmidt to his very core, "I died the second I lost Jessica Day forever." The softness he used in that last statement broke Schmidt; he knew his friend was telling the truth. He would never recover from what happened to Jess.
Schmidt stood there unable to think what to do next. It was then he knew that he had to go along with Nick's wishes.
"Why do you need my help?" Asked Schmidt.
"I promised her I wouldn't blame myself. I can't break that promise. Killing myself would break that promise." Nick replied, thinking of one particular promise he kept her; Candy cane lane. Oh, her face when she saw it all light up. It was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. He painfully dragged himself back to reality: "I'm sorry, I really am, Schmidt but I need you to do this, I need you to help me die."
"But I can't hurt you, Nick, I couldn't if I tried. You're my best friend."
"I hurt now, Schmidt; so much. I physically hurt. You'd be helping me stop that." Nick could see his friend was fighting an internal battle and part of him felt like the worst person in the world putting Schmidt in to that position. "You wouldn't have to harm me Schmidt; I just need you to give me an overdose. I've got loads of sleeping pills so we can use those. I'll just fall into a permanent sleep."
"Okay" replied Schmidt his voice cracking as tears began to roll down his face silently, "I'll help you."
Nick knew Schmidt needed it so he engulfed him in to a massive bear hug holding him tight.
"Thank you so much." Nick muffled in to Schmidt's shoulder, "you really are my best friend. There's just one thing I need to do first, I need to record my goodbyes." Nick's voice stayed unnaturally calm for someone who knew they were about to say goodbye to everything they'd ever known, but Nick knew it wasn't that which was happening, he was going to be reunited with her. He was going to be with Jess.
….
For the last hour Nick had locked himself back in his room and sworn Schmidt away. It was done; his last words he would say to all those he loved was done.
Nick gripped the DVD in his hands and held it to his chest. This was the last thing he would leave on this world. He knew it was time now.
Nick slowly rose from where he sat at his desk and ambled towards his door. He called Schmidt to come in; he couldn't face seeing her door again, not until he'd seen her again, and that wouldn't be in this world.
Schmidt entered his room, closing the door swiftly. It was evident from his puffy eyes and stained cheeks that he had been coming to terms with what he was about to do.
Wordlessly, Nick moved to his bed and laid down. Schmidt walked up to the head of the bed and picked up the pot of industrial sleeping pills.
"Are you still sure about this, Nick?" Nick could hear in Schmidt's voice that he was asking out of desperation, and the hope that Nick had changed his mind.
"I've never been surer of anything in my life." Was Nick's reply, his voice refusing to break in the gravity of the situation.
Without another word Schmidt emptied the entire pot of sleeping pills on to his hand and brought them up to Nick's mouth. Within a moment they were all gone.
"I love you man, you have been the best friend I could have asked for." Nick's voice began to grow dimmer as his eyelids began to weigh down on his face.
"I know you do, I never needed you to say it"
"Thank you so much for everything, everything you've ever done for me. I'll never forget." Nick could no longer feel his body, he felt so tired. He knew he would be a rest soon. "One more thing" using the last of his energy to say the last thing that he needed to say, "bury me with her." And with that the light of his eye's dimmed one last time, before they would never be seen again. As they finally closed a single tear silently rolled down his left check; his last act in this life.
Schmidt leaned in to pull up his lifeless body and held him, held him so tight as if it would undo these last few days. Schmidt broke down, finally allowing the tsunami of tears within him to spill out. He just sat there rocking the lifeless body of his best friend, relinquishing the most human of emotions he had left.
….
About 50 people were gathered into the quaint church hall, an assortment of the friends and family of those who lay within the pine coffins situated by the alter. Between the two coffins stood a single photo frame, within which, the essence of those being remembered was perfectly captured. Her sunny smile beaming, his typical turtle face as she shoved a sunflower at his face. It was so right.
A large projector screen flickered to life above the alter as the ceremony commenced.
"Hey there everybody, welcome. Now most of you know me but for those who don't, my name is Nicholas Miller. I am not the most important person in the world nor will I be the most remembered, but I'm here to say some things before I go." On the screen, Nick picked up a piece of paper lying by his side and quickly read it silently to himself.
"Okay, firstly I would like to say goodbye to my extended family and most of my friends. You are all good people and I want you to stay that way, just keep trying to stay good people." He cleared his throat.
"Next, my brother, Jaime. I've always thought you were an idiot, and yeah you are, but you're my brother and I love you. You're the man of the house now with me and Walt gone, well not that he was really ever around." Nick let out a dry laugh, "you need to take care of Ma now. I know you'll do good kid. Ma, thank you so much for everything you've done. You raised me to be the man who I am. Yes I have flaws, but that has nothing to do with you, you did the most amazing job you could of. You are so brave, so so brave, you never needed dad." He chocked slightly on the unfamiliar word, "I don't hate Walt for what he did to me I don't, but I hate what he did to you, Ma. I love you, Ma." "Okay, so now this is gonna get a bit tougher" Nick said more to himself than anything else.
"Winnie, you've been there for me since I was an old man in a kid's body. You've been the best friend I could ask for. I really don't know what to say man, cause I think you already know it all. Goodbye, I love you dude." His voice started to crack but he pulled it together.
"Schmidty, you have always been there since I met you 10 years ago, something I was never always happy about, but looking back on it, thank you. I have no idea how we are friends, seeing as you're a massive douche, but you're my douche. Thank you for everything, I love you man. Oh, and follow what your heart wants, we don't have all the time in the world." Nick's eyes turned dark as he said that last phrase as the lurking thoughts residing in his mind began to reveal themselves.
"The goodbyes to people here are done, but I have more to say to you. I need to tell you what I did today. Today I found out who made the world dark, I found out who caused all this; I found out who took…her away." He voice was dark, but it was far from empty. "I went to jail. I demanded to see him. I didn't know what I had to do, but I had to do it. I had to let him know what he'd done." Nick's face was unreadable, it was a structure of pure emotion.
"He sat in front of me. The look of confusion on his face just forced more rage to the surface, why didn't he know what he had done! I reached in to my back pocket and pulled out the one photo I always have, her and that goddam sunflower, I shoved it up to the glass and shouted: You see this picture! You see that smile! You see the sunshine that makes the Day what it is! That is what you took away! You ripped the sun from the sky! You not only killed the purest being ever to have graced this earth, you made this earth dark. By taking away the sunshine you killed me! You have two sets of blood on your hands! I hate you for taking away my life, I hate you for taking her away from me, but more than anything I hate you for taking her from the world." Nick gave the speech just as he had done earlier, the words forever etched on his mind. "You see these eyes? You will never forget them. You will never forget what happened that night or today. Above all else, you will never forgive yourself." The last part of his speech was a forced whisper that burned with every word, just as he intended it to.
"Before I go there is one last thing I need to say." Nick's face had relaxed completely since his speech, the only expression that remained was that of his eyes, resigned to the facts but full of love.
"Jessica Day was the purest person I have ever met." His voice finally broke on her name. "No matter how shit life became, she always shone through. She inspired me; she made me want to be a better me for her. Thank you so much to everyone who helped mould the amazing woman she was. I love her, I've loved her since the moment I met her, my love for her will never die; I'll love her forever and always." A lone tear rolled silently down his cheek. "I had her, and I lost her. So when my Day goes to night, it's time for me to sleep. Goodbye everyone." And with that the last words people would ever hear Nick Miller speak were said.
The screen turned black, it was all done.