RPOV
Emmett McCarty.
Man of my dreams.
Asshole of the century.
Sigh.
I turned around in the mirror a few more times, observing the jeans while my mother waited outside of the dressing rooms. What would Emmett think? Does he like girls… like me? I mused as my eyes scanned and scrutinized every crinkle and plane of the denim. No, no. Of course he doesn't.
I sighed sadly and wistfully, frowning at my reflection. Why did I have to be so freaking pale? Why did I have to let myself be completely ruled by this stupid albeit handsome boy? That's exactly what he was, too. A boy, catcalling girls in the halls and shoveling food in his mouth before it was even completely open!
But when I was around him… I was different. I felt almost pretty. I felt light, soaring when his eyes met mine and he smiled. Smiled. And it wasn't one of those pervy undress-you-with-his-eyes smiles; it was shy and reserved, special just for me. At least that's what it seemed like.
"Rosalie? Are you done? How do you like the jeans?" my mother yelled, thoroughly embarrassing me beyond belief and annoying me in under ten seconds. A bit louder and you might force me to strangle you, Mother, I sneered in my mind.
"I'm fine, and yes, I'm done. I like the jeans." I mostly said it to appease her; she had been complaining about my jeans being too "old and tattered" of late, and I was growing more pissed off at her with every remark. As if my self-esteem wasn't crippling enough, she had to go and make fun of my clothes. Sorry it had to work out this way, Mom. Sorry I can't be your goddamned Princess, your Heiress to the throne and call you "Mommy" and "Daddy."
"Good," she called out, sounding way too smug and satisfied for my taste. Ever since I'd decided that I wasn't even going to try to be my parents' version of perfect – the high-class, demanding, thinks-she's-better-than-everyone brat – they sort of shunned me. I couldn't care less. All they cared about was appearances and status; they went to all the right parties, mingled in all the right social circles, and dressed in all the right clothes.
Too bad they couldn't have all the right kids.
My young twin brothers were perfect for this role. It's as if they were meant to be my parents' children, and they were wonderful replacements for the ungrateful firstborn. They also looked the part, all blond hair and shiny blue eyes and the picture of perfect health. They were rowdy enough for the adults to say genially, "Boys will be boys," but polite (or brain-washed) enough to be called "Adorable little angels." I muttered "toe-heads" and shook my own head, walking out of whatever room the actors and actresses had gathered in to marvel at the best of them all: My family.
We were screwed up. Oh, were we completely screwed the hell up.
My brothers were compulsive liars, taking after my father. (They also liked to steal, but I was the only one aware of that.) My father, he was cheating on my mother, and though we all knew, they kept up those ridiculous appearances. My mother was borderline depressed, going to therapy two days every week and sobbing in our guest room almost seven nights a week. She always told her friends she was going to massage therapy. I'm sure she was; it's why she always had that "lovely glow about her." Snort.
And I, the failed Golden Child, the one who flew over the cuckoo's nest, and the one who couldn't look at a certain curly-haired and brawny boy without hating herself and swooning over him, was diagnosed as anorexic.
Everywhere I went, I heard the hushed whispers and the worried glances. I heard every "Oh my God" and every "I wonder if she realizes…" that came out of their judgmental and prissy mouths. I saw every set of widened eyes, every pair of ignorant and envious orbs on the girls walking by me. If only they knew. If only he knew.
We walked out of the dressing rooms and to the counter, my mother babbling on about new clothes and how proud of me she was. Idiot.
I set – or slammed – the clothes down on the counter, the girl behind the counter trying not to look me in the eye. The mother had shut her mouth and nodded as Counter Girl stuttered out the price. Her tanned and accessorized right hand lifted and smoothly slid the shiny, silver card through the machine and out again with a click. Her hand returned to its dutiful place at her side with a jingle or two while her left hand signed the small screen. She was left-handed, just like me, and I despised that similarity with a passion; every time my hand scrawled something across paper, I frowned, wishing I could be right right-handed or ambidextrous. I didn't want to be grouped in that rare population of lefties along with my mother.
I carried the bag, swinging it back and forth while the wind whipped against my skin, freezing me. Since I was trying to stay thin enough – or not enough at times – my body heat had gone down, so whenever it was cold for everyone else, it was fucking freezing for me. It was mid-April in Forks, but I left my sweater at home to try to hide this (and layered with three shirts), yet the goose bumps on my arms were always tell-tale.
"Oh, Rosie," her use of my nickname made me gag, "you must be cold! Look at your skin!" She could sound concerned all she wanted, but I knew they were only recited lines, part of her script. I wrenched my right arm away from her before she could grab it and inspect it. If she felt the soft little hairs that had begun to replace the normal, coarse arm-hair, she would definitely figure out I hadn't been eating enough.
Or at all.
"No," I snapped. "I'm alright. If anything, I'm a little warm," I lied. "Hey, it looks like it's going to rain. If you're going to therapy-"
"Shush!" she hissed. Distraction accomplished, stuck-up crazy lady. "You know we don't speak of… that in public, Rosalie Lillian Hale." I was unaffected by her annoyance.
"Sure." I was a mountain and she was the wind; she could blow (hah!) and scream all she wanted, but I would never bow.
The drive home was silent, as always, but the awkward tension never got to me. I'd grown used to it after my fourth appointment at the nutritionist, whom we had to drive all the way to Port Angeles to see. All things considered, I was a pro at becoming cool stone and ice.
I don't know why they even bothered trying with me (like they really cared – stupid appearances); I would never let them break through my walls and defenses. Only one person could melt away all the ice around my heart, and two select others almost saw the whole me. I gave them as much of me as I could, but not all of it. I could not, by any means, put such trust in girls who were normal by the general population's standards.
Why I would give my heart and soul to one boy was a question even I wasn't sure I could answer. Love just didn't exist for me, and love at first sight was something you only found in romance novels, movies, and fairy tales.
XXX
Scales are the most unforgiving products ever created, followed by mirrors and fashion models.
"103.4," I muttered under my breath. It wasn't enough; 100 was my goal, however ridiculous that number was, beside the point. The baby fat on my face still clung to my face like disgusting little leeches – I was a senior for God's sake!
I slipped my fluffy robe back on and slipped into my room, pausing to listen for any sign of someone coming upstairs. Nothing.
I smiled mirthlessly and padded over to my walk-in closet. My secret stash was hidden on the second shelf to the top, right side, behind a box holding childhood memories and dust-coated happiness from when I had a family. No one would suspect the right shelf because – a little known fact – people hide things on the same sides of rooms, shelves, and closets as their writing hand. I was a leftie, so the right was ideal.
I doubted my parents or brothers would even think about what I had behind closed doors, though.
I pulled the hidden stool out and reached up, scooting the box aside and grabbed the pills I made Tanya buy for me several months ago, and placed the box back in its place. I sighed as I flipped the small, unoffending thing around in my hands. I dropped them into my pocket and walked over to my bed, leaving the closet door open and the stool in plain sight; I would be returning my secret in a few moments. Lying down and reaching back to grab my cup of water, I stayed silent and continued listening for any unexpected visitors.
Still no company. Maybe I got lucky and they went to an important Somebody's house for dinner.
I took a sip, wetting my cotton-mouth, then placed one of the weight-loss pills on my tongue. I scrunched up my nose at its taste as it began to dissolve immediately and quickly took a swig of water, swallowing.
The box said it would make you feel fuller and curb your appetite. Hopefully it would just numb the thoughts that sprang forth every time I was offered food.
Or my mind all together.
Emmett would never want me, and I was getting really tired of trying to cry the hollow feelings away after he made me think he did.
XXX
"I dunno, Alice," I replied dubiously as she leaned against the locker next to mine. "You know I don't like too much attention from all these small-town hokes, and a party would be asking for just that." We both laughed, though hers was far more genuine.
"C'mon, Rosalie, Bella and I will be right there at your sides, keeping the sharks at bay." Bella and Alice were my closest friends, Bella being the newer one since Tanya wasn't here anymore.
I snorted. "If anyone's the shark, it's probably Bella. You know how she goes all Momma-Lion with me when people give me… looks," I replied. Bella hated when people judged others before they even knew them, especially with me because she sincerely cared about me and sincerely hated most of the other girls at Forks High. She cared so much because she had been one of the only people to ever see me cry – it was accidental – and when I told her that, she cried right along with me. I wasn't crying, really, just being weak and pathetic about gaining half a pound after being forced to eat some fat-loaded food at my brothers' birthday.
I didn't tell her that.
Bella was intolerable of many girls because of the way they treated her and her boyfriend, Edward Cullen. He was gorgeous, with exotic bronze hair that was always artfully – and naturally, to many boys' dismay – messy and a sculpted, symmetrical face. He had lovely green eyes and was smart, an all but perfect man to many a female, so he was always getting flirted with and complimented while Bella was right there, getting shot dirty looks. She, being one to stand up for herself, would make their entwined hands obvious and point out that her and Edward had to be elsewhere. Edward was just as in love with Bella as she was with him, truly soul mates, and I was happy for them.
"Yeah, yeah," Alice said, laughing lightly. "But , really, you should at least consider coming. There will be boys from the reservation there, too, and from what I hear, they're huge. Like, all chiseled pectorals and smooth, tan skin." She sighed and jokingly looked dreamily into space.
"Oh, really? And where does Jasper fit into all this, huh?" I grinned and cocked an eyebrow at her, watching as a dopey grin spread across her small face.
"Mmm, who knows? He'll understand." She winked and we both cracked up.
"Okay, okay. Text me where and when and I'll try to find time in my oh-so busy schedule to show up. Then I can keep Jasper company while you get swooped off your feet by a Quileute." I nudged her and wrinkled my nose. One of the boys from the reservation had a run in with me and Tanya as kids when our families and we visited First Beach.
We had been walking in the sand along the shore, feeling the icy water wash over our dirtied feet when a little boy, looking to be our age, approached us with his friends.
"Hey," he said, sounding as cocky as a rooster.
I glared at him while Tanya, ever the little actress, replied in an innocent voice, "Yes?"
"We wanna play with you guys. You're real pretty."
"We are not guys," I replied, making sure to inject as much acid into my words as possible.
He rolled his eyes and Tanya looked over and smiled at me. "Rosie, c'mon. It can't be too bad. If anything, maybe we can make some new friends." She looked back to one of the shyer boys and grinned, showing her teeth and making his eyes grow wider.
"I don't want to get any of my knees scraped or anything," I muttered, eyeing the group of boys' knees that looked quite durable, then mine, which looked like anything more than smooth tile would rip them open.
"Don't worry, I'll catch you if you start to fall," the head boy declared, smiling and showing all of his teeth. One of his top ones was missing.
I grimaced, but reluctantly agreed, to Tanya's delight; I couldn't deny her anything.
In the end I did fall and make my right knee a bloody and sandy mess. The head boy, whose name I'd learned was Jacob, had only succeeded in making us both fall and damaged me worse, though he was completely fine.
I didn't trust anyone from La Push after that.
Alice brought me back to the present, banging on the locker she was leaning on. "Hey, space cadet, come on! Time for class!" she almost yelled, causing me to go into a panic.
I spied the clock hanging in the hall and saw it was only one minute until I had to go to my English class. Which was all the way across campus, and I didn't have the energy to haul ass like Alice did. "Crapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrap CRAP," I said under my breath.
"See ya, babe!" I heard Alice shout to me as she was already opening the door to leave the building and get to her French class.
Just as I was shutting my locker, I heard a laugh coming from down the hall that I would know anywhere.
Oh sweet freaking Jesus. Not today, please.
"Yeah, you wouldn't believe the look he gave me after I told him where I would shove that term pa- hey, Rosalie!"
I spun around and almost fell over from the dizziness that overcame me. Should have taken that water bottle, today, stupid.
"Uhhh… um, h-hey, uh, um, hey Emmett!" I stammered out, wincing at how I sounded. Cripe, you're a dumbass, Rosalie.
"Hey!" he replied, giving me the once over. My stomach was brimming with butterflies and I remembered that I was wearing flip-flops today. Seeing as how I hated my feet, I tried to hide them in plain sight. His face went from jovial to concerned, and I wanted to smack myself. He doesn't mean it, he doesn't mean it, he does- "You okay, girl? You look a little… pale."
"Um, yeah. Sure, I feel fine. I was just heading to…" I tried to make myself look like I just realized something. "Wait! We have the next class together, right?"
He still had that concerned look on his face, which only deepened after what I'd said. "Yep. You sure you're okay? I could tell them you went to the nurse or something. I could even walk you to the nurse, if you want…" His friends had continued on, all of them assholes, so he only brought out the feelings and emotions when they weren't around.
I thought about it. "You know what? I think I will go to the nurse." I held my hand to my forehead and nodded in an attempt to make it look like I was running a fever, or at least too warm.
Like that would ever happen.
"Okay," he replied, looking a little less concerned. "You want me to walk you?" He smiled, making his dimples evident. Damn him and what that smile did to me.
I almost lost my train of thought, focusing on his warm, brown eyes to try to remember what we were talking about. That was a terrible idea, seeing the true kindness behind his irises making me forget where I was, so I stuttered out "um… sure?" Of course I had to go and make myself look like an illiterate jerk by making it sound like a question.
But, the grin that spread across his face made all my insecurities and doubts float away like lost balloons, carefree and light.
He walked over to me – I could smell his cologne from where he stood, but then again all my sense were heightened from being hungry constantly – and there was a mischievous glint in his eye. Before I knew it, he swung my backpack over his shoulder and swept me up, carrying me in his arms. I squealed and tried to protest, but he shushed me.
"Believe me, it's all my pleasure. Like I was supposed to just stand there and watch a sickly, young damsel drag herself to the infirmary!" He chuckled and I plastered a smile on my face, reveling in the feeling of being in his arms but also hating the fact that he could probably feel how much I weighed. And the bones that may or may not have been jabbing out.
Reading my mind, he said, "Wow, you're a lot tinier than you look." His eyes widened in shock as mine closed in hurt; I knew he didn't mean it that way, but- "I mean, I- I didn't mean it like that! You're just so tall, and- I- but, I mean, I am really strong, too- oh God, I'm not trying to brag…" he rambled, stuttering and mumbling. I actually laughed a little at his expression.
I rubbed his arm. "Don't worry, I know. I get that all the time." He laughed again, the sound reverberating through his chest and into my own. I sighed contentedly; I could die happily in this moment.
"So are you contagious?" he asked jokingly.
"Oh yeah, totally." I coughed for emphasis. "You might want to put me down…" I let myself trail off, looking at his face. I didn't want him to let go of me, I just didn't want him to feel obligated.
"Right. Me put you down. No way, Rosalie." He smirked and my heart fluttered in my chest.
Stupid hormones.
"Okay, but when you wake up tomorrow and find that you're dying because of me, don't act like I didn't warn you," I teased. It was so easy to let go with him.
"I would be happy to die because of you." I wasn't sure if I heard him correctly, or I was even supposed to hear him, so I acted like he didn't say it.
The wind was especially horrible that day, making me feel like ice even with Emmett's huge arms and body carrying me. I shivered, attempting to pull my knees closer to my chest to protect my torso.
"You cold?"
Terribly. "No, I just felt some wind blow on my neck. You know how that is, when it's really warm and all of the sudden you get this freezing blast?"
He nodded. "Yeah I get you."
It was silent for a few more moments, then he spoke. "Hey, if you're feeling better tonight, there's this party at a friend of mine's hou-"
"Oh, yeah! Mmhmm. I know what you're talking about, my friend Alice invited me. I'll probably be there. Why?" Oh my God, is he trying to invi- No, no, Rosalie. Don't get your hopes up. He's probably just being polite.
"Well," he drew out the syllable. "I thought you might like to have a little fun, you know? In all my years at this school, and all the parties I've been to, I haven't seen you at one." I knew that Emmett wouldn't understand why I didn't go to parties. Nobody ever would.
"Like I told my dear friend Alice earlier, I just don't like all the attention. At least not from these small-towners. You know how they are; every little thing gets blown out of proportion and turned into gossip. And, since my parents are… Um… How do I say this? They… I guess they wouldn't exactly… yeesh, okay, so they'd give me a crap ton of grief if I were to be spotted doing something… inappropriate. They think they're really high class, and I couldn't care less, but I have to deal with them enough and I don't want them to glare at me any more than they have to." Holy shite, did I just tell Emmett McCarty that? Those were some of my deeper secrets, and half of that I hadn't even told to Bella or Alice. God, you're probably losing your mind and think that this boy will listen and not judge you. As if he really cares. As if anyone really cares.
"Oh," he said softly. "You… you really sound like there's nothing wrong with that. That it's normal for your parents to treat you like that."
I snorted. "Emmett, I've gotten used to it. I'm just waiting to get out of this town and somewhere – anywhere – else. I have plans to go to California, since I love the sun. My parents will be happy to get rid of me; all I ever do is just hole up in my room and avoid them." Shut the hell up, stop treating him like a therapist! I honestly didn't know why I was telling him all that, maybe because he sounded curious or like he might have a shred of care for me.
"Christ, Rosalie, that's terrible." His voice was passionate, and that made me wonder how he lived and what his relationship with his parents was like.
"Why?" I blurted out. "Ever since I was twelve, it's been like that. I don't care! I'm independent enough and have friends." I hoped I didn't sound like a megabitch. "I mean, everybody else has normal parents that treat their kids normally. I don't. Big deal. I'd rather have it this way than be what they think I should be. Why do you sound like you care so much?" Wow, he's really gonna want to be your friend after that, PMSer.
"I- I'm sorry," he murmured. "It shouldn't be… You deserve better." But before I could regain my train of thought, he stated, louder than before, "Here's the nurse. I'll wait outside, if you'd like, or I can go tell Mr. DeBell that you're here."
He set me down, made sure I had my balance, and handed me my backpack. I suppressed a shiver as more glacial wind lifted up my hair and slithered through my clothes. "You can just go back to class. Take a note, though. Mr. D is slightly off his rocker about absences and tardies." To my surprise, he smiled and chuckled lightly. "Well, Emmett, thanks for being my Prince in a zip-up hoodie. Sorry for unloading all that baggage on you and sounding crazy."
Still smiling, he replied, "No problem. It was nice talking to you; you're funnier than other girls and you seem like you have an interesting life. I'd like to talk some more, so if you do, too, I'll be at the party tonight." He sounded genuine, and then almost made my heart stop by winking. Winking.
"Er, um, yeah, yeah. I'd, uh, love to talk some more." You just used the L-word, spastic. Now you're going to scare him off.
"Awesome. See ya." And with that, he walked back towards the way we'd come from, leaving me to shuffle over to the nurse's office.
"Oh, Rosalie, dear!" Red-Haired woman exclaimed from behind the desk. I instinctually hated adults that used terms of endearment for me.
"Um, I was just feeling slightly-"
"Oh, no, no, that's for the nurse," she interrupted, chuckling like an idiot and clucking her tongue like a damn chicken.
"Whatever," I mumbled and walked the few steps to the elderly woman's door.
Pushing it open slowly, I peered around in the office and spotted her lounging in a chair. She looked over her glasses at me and smiled sadly. "What seems to be the problem?" she asked. Then she added, whispering and conspiratorial, "Or are you trying to get out of class?"
I laughed and shook my head. "No, I'm feeling slightly nauseated, a bit dizzy, and have a headache. Got anything for that?"
"Hmm…" She swiveled around in her chair and opened up a few drawers. "Here we are. Just some plain old medicine; Excedrin works best on migraines and nausea."
I eyed the unoffending, little, green bottle in her withered hand, but nodded and mumbled "okay." She popped it open, poured two into her hand, and handed them to me.
"Just ask her for a cup of water from the cooler. I don't think you want sink water, necessarily." I smiled sheepishly at her and she nodded her head encouragingly.
I walked back into the office and did as I was instructed, swallowing the pills and walking back into the nurse's room. "You want to lay down for a bit, wait for those to kick in?" she asked, sounding like a grandmother.
"Definitely," I replied. I walked the few feet to the small cot and sat down. I stretched my arms up and in front of me, then lied down on the thing, putting my arms behind my head to act as a pillow.
"So," she started. "Have you been having your period?"
"What?" I practically shrieked, shocked by her blunt question. Did I hear her say that? Did that just happen?
The small-framed, elderly woman waved her hand as if to swat away my shock and defensive tone. "Well… you're just such a skinny thing. And, dear," I wanted to slap her for calling me that, "I've been in this business for years. I recognize the signs, and the last nail in the coffin would be if you were st- still having lady problems every month."
Condescending adults are at the top of the Things I Hate Most list, and this chick just got first place.
"Um, if you didn't notice, that really isn't any of your business." I sat up and was preparing to leave the office, my annoyance and anger propelling my mouth and feet. "And don't act like you care! You aren't my doctor, and you surely are not entitled to asking me that."
I could see her sweet, old lady façade slipping, breaking out the true woman inside of her. I watched smugly as her eyes narrowed at me through her glasses and her nostrils flared. You still got it, Rosie.
"Young lady-"
"No. I'm not your daughter and I'm pretty sure I'm no fucking lady. Peace." And with that, I smirked and sauntered out of her office, leaving her fuming at her seat. I knew it was so cliché of me to do something like that, but it was just too easy.
I made my way over to my car, parked in the corner of the lot, and opened the door, taking a seat. All of the adrenaline from my short fit of rage was slowly dissipating, leaving behind it an ache in my head and stupid logic.
I figured that A) I'd probably be getting a visit from the principal, but really, I didn't even remotely care, B) though the nurse from Hades was bothersome, she was right; I wasn't getting my monthly, as of two weeks ago, so that meant I couldn't absorb calcium anymore, and C) that was really irrational of me.
Like I told Emmett, from age twelve I'd become more and more reserved, tightening my circle of friends and only getting sassy or openly angry with my family. I rarely snapped at teachers – even the ones who were worthy of a mental institution – and did all of the schoolwork I was told to do. What came over me? I thought morosely. It could have gone over much smoother, and now I only had the choice of laying down in my BMW, which was much more uncomfortable than a flat cot, surprisingly.
I put the keys in the ignition and listened as my car purred to life. "I suppose you're the only good thing that came of those jerks," I murmured to the car. I closed my door and rolled down the window, adjusting the seat to recline all the way back. Once I was content, I took the key back out of the ignition and settled in, listening to the sounds outside.
If I just closed my eyes and listened, taking deep breaths through my nose, I could almost forget…
XXX
I jolted upright, almost smacking my head on the top of the car. I looked around anxiously and realized it was dusk outside.
Oh crap.
I fell asleep in my car. Not only that, but hours ago. I shoved my keys into the ignition, twisting and hoping I didn't accidentally break the key, with the force that I turned it.
I relaxed infinitesimally when the car started, but ended up taking two steps back because I saw the time: 6:52.
Ohhh, Jesus. On ice. Crap. CRAP!
Once I pulled my phone out of my pocket, I slid it open, then shut again only to find that I had 8 missed calls and 3 text messages.
First 3 missed calls: Hag, Douche, Home.
Next 5 missed calls: Alice and Bella. I loved them for a reason.
First text message: From: Hag. Delete.
Second text message: From: Alice:
Where: Tyler Crowley's. When: 8.30. Why? Because I love you ;) –Liss
Third text message: From: Bella:
Hey hon, you coming tonite? im bringing Edward and Alice said hers is Jazz. if you dont wanna come, totally understand. love you girl.
Sigh.
I was still planning on going, so that meant I had an hour, then would go over to Alice or Bella's and wait with them, hopefully getting rides because, for the life of me, I had no idea where anyone lived in this Podunk town.
XXX
Once my hair was dry, I headed over to my closet to hunt down a zip-up hoodie that would, hopefully, look okay.
…
I had driven home in a hurry, pulling in the drive barely five after seven. I rushed into the house, noting the unlocked door with confusion but waving it off, and ran up the stairs. I could hear my parents' protests and threats of punishment, but ignored them. They wouldn't do anything to me and they knew it.
Almost throwing myself on the bed, I slipped off my shoes, tossed my keys back, and replied to both of the girls, telling them that I would, indeed, be going, and that I loved them back.
The word 'love' was thrown around so much, these days, that it could actually be considered true when I said it to them.
After that was finished, I stripped down and showered, wasting no time in shampooing my hair and washing myself. I grabbed two towels – one for my hair, one for my body – and dried off as quickly as I could. I picked out the clothes I wanted; I was layering, of course, with a white tank, a black, sleeved shirt, and a light blue, long-sleeved shirt, and wanted to christen the new, white skinny jeans I'd gotten a month ago by wearing them to the party. If luck was in my court, maybe I'd catch a certain someone's eye.
I'd hastily put on my undergarments and jeans, then pulled off my towel and let my warm, wet hair fall down my back, so that I could get the shirts on with as little difficulty as possible. Next, I did my makeup, since I didn't want to mess up my hair whilst doing that.
I applied the dark-ish blue eyeshadow with ease, hoping it would make my gray-blue eyes look a little more alive. I used the black eyeliner and did top and bottom eyelids, then swept some mascara onto my eyelashes. Taking a step back, I observed my work; if my plan worked, then my eyes would distract everyone from looking at the rest of me.
Except for him.
Grabbing my hairbrush, I plugged in the blow-dryer and simultaneously dried and smoothed out my hair. I thought about the last time I worked this hard to look good. Definitely when Tanya was still here. She made it all worthwhile, even when no one else did.
…
"Aha!" I exclaimed. "There you are, you pesky, little devil." I snatched the dark gray jacket off of the rack.
I checked the time: 7:58.
I very ungracefully shrugged into the jacket – ah, warmth – and considered what I would wear for shoes. Something short of a miracle occurred and I remembered I had some ballet flats that were blue hiding in my closet. Crouching down, I got on my hands and knees and went to the left side, in the middle… Yes! I grasped the things, slipping my feet into them since I was on the floor, anyways.
After I jumped up and ran to the bed, I plucked my keys and phone off of it. I jammed my keys in my right pocket and texted Alice, informing her that I would be over soon and she better be ready to drive me.
Again, I ignored the adults as I flitted out of the house, unlocking the car on my way out. I yanked open the door and winced, expecting some sort of damage to come of it, but jumped in the car once I assessed that the door was fine. I needed to be more careful with my baby.
Time: 8:04.
One good thing about Forks was the lack of late night traffic. You could practically walk down the middle of a road without a care in the world after six.
Pulling over on the curb in front of Alice's place, I haphazardly checked my makeup; it was still good. As I stepped out of the vehicle, I cursed my body's half-assed attempts at heating me up. I was thankful for the fact that I was wearing three shirts of different sleeve lengths and a moderately protective jacket, though.
I rang the doorbell, wrapping my arms around my torso and bouncing lightly. I observed the welcome mat like I had every other time I went to Alice's and noticed it was the tiniest bit more faded than before.
"Rosalie!" Alice's mother exclaimed, opening the door and welcoming me in. "Cold out tonight?" she asked in a motherly tone, eyeing my arms that were still rubbing my sides.
I forced out a light laugh and smile. "Yeah, a little bit. But I'm always cold, so… Um, hey, is Liss ready yet?" I asked, using Alice's nickname to try to distract her mom from seeing how uncomfortable I was.
"Oh! Well, I don't know, but you're welcome to go up there and see for yourself!" She chuckled lightly and I all but sprinted up the stairs, turning to the right at the end of the hall and throwing open the door.
"Hey, Rose, you ready?" Alice asked as she turned around to face me.
"No, I was just stepping out of the shower and wanted to say hello. Yes, I'm ready, dumbass!" I said sarcastically.
Alice laughed. "Okay, just let me slip in this eeeeariiing, annnd, I'm done!" she announced.
"Let's blow this pop stand. Bella gonna meet us there?"
"Yep. Her and her lover will be in his Volvo; he didn't trust her Chevy to make it out there and back alive."
"I don't blame him. So Jasper…?"
She giggled and ducked her head; love-smitten lunatic. "Yeah, he's gonna be there, too." Then she added in a conspiratorial whisper, "On his Harley!"
It took all my strength not to lose it right there at the bottom of the stairs. "Sweet. 'Bye, Mrs. Brandon! It was lovely seeing you again!" I called behind us as Alice was opening the door.
"You too, sweetie! Keep warm and be safe, you girls!"
"Yeah," we both shouted, walking out the door.
"Your mom is so nice, Alice," I stated.
"I know, but you should see her around Jasper. You know how he's all…" Sweet Jesus, she giggled again. I rolled my eyes and muttered "yeah," urging her to continue. "And my mom is just so not warming up to him. But, alas, we are young lovers, and 'the course of true love never did run smooth.'" I smirked while she looked dreamily at the sky.
"You really dig Shakespeare, huh?"
"Mmhmm. His stories are just so tragic." We both snorted in laughter as Alice unlocked her bright, yellow Porsche and we climbed in.
She continued chatting about Jasper and their developing relationship while I listened intently, nodding and adding "mmhmm's" and "yeah's" where called for.
Being with Alice and feeling at home, I almost forgot where exactly we were going. I checked the time again: 8:18.
XXX
EmPOV
It was weird – really weird – talking to Rosalie today.
First, I spot her in the hall on the way to the English class that we were both in. Then, when I realized she looked sick and she made it obvious she'd forgotten we were in the same class together, I got worried.
So I carried her to the nurse.
It only fueled my worry to feel how light she was, and it slightly angered me that all of the other little pricks at Forks High were right; Rosalie was underweight. Unhealthily underweight.
Then we talked and poked some fun, but I opened some sort of flood gate and she told me all these things that I knew by the look in her eyes she hadn't told anyone else. Her words struck me, hard, because she… she definitely deserved better. She was good on the inside, real. And growing up the way I did, I knew that families were supposed to love each other; no matter what you have or where you are, you always carry that undying love for your family.
Rosalie didn't have that.
She didn't have anyone.
I could be my true self with her, not what was expected of me. They could say what they wanted about me, but it wasn't true and if it was the last I would do, I was going to let Rosalie know that. I would let her know that she would be missed, that running away wouldn't solve anything, wouldn't heal the wound or quiet the hurt.
"Okay, but when you wake up tomorrow and find that you're dying because of me, don't act like I didn't warn you," she'd said, teasing me.
And the words flew out of my mouth, straight from my heart. I didn't care. If she did, then so be it, but I wouldn't take it back.
"I would be happy to die because of you."
The slight shock was evident, but I held my ground. She acted like nothing happened. Something like stabbing, or punching, went off in a small burst in my… Was it my heart? No, it couldn't have been. It was painful, though, and I mentally winced because of it.
We talked some more as we made our way closer to the office where and the nurse resided. I looked down at her every now and then, observing her more than anything, when she wasn't looking. I admired her eyes; they were dark and dull at first glance, but up close, I could see how extremely blue they were. I could see the dark, storm cloud-gray tint to them, the intricate oval and web-like designs in her irises. I was afraid I would get too enraptured by them that she would eventually look up and catch me staring, so I would quickly look forward.
As our conversation continued, it went back to that uncharted emotional territory, tugging on my heartstrings and unleashing an aching lump in my throat. God, Emmett, seriously? Crying? In front of Rosalie Hale?
I announced our arrival, averting her attention, and very carefully set her down. I swung the backpack off my shoulders and handed it to her, making sure she wouldn't get upset by me thinking she couldn't handle herself. That was just Rosalie; she never seemed like she wanted anyone's help. I offered to inform our teacher, but she refused and thanked me.
"You can just go back to class. Take a note, though. Mr. D is slightly off his rocker about absences and tardies." I chuckled lightly at her words. That's one way of putting it, the crazy bastard. "Well, Emmett, thanks for being my Prince in a zip-up hoodie. Sorry for unloading all that baggage on you and sounding crazy."
I still had a smile plastered on my face. "No problem. It was nice talking to you; you're funnier than other girls and you seem like you have an interesting life. I'd like to talk some more, so if you do, too, I'll be at the party tonight," I replied honestly. To make sure she knew that I wasn't kidding, I winked at her. I stifled my laughter at the wide-eyed look on her face.
"Er, um, yeah, yeah. I'd, uh, love to talk some more," she stuttered out. I saw the self-deprecation happening again, but decided to reassure her later that she shouldn't be embarrassed. It was a little endearing, in fact..
"Awesome. See ya."
After all, I had class to go to.
XXX
My little brother and sister glared at me as I reached up, grabbed the Oreos out of the cabinet, and opened the package.
"You should have eaten your vegetables," I murmured, raising my eyebrows at them and ever so slowly raising a cookie to my mouth.
"Shut it," Jane hissed, folding her arms over her chest and stomping to the stairs.
Alec just narrowed his eyes some more and furrowed his brows. I knew what he was trying to do; he had this misconception that he could control people's minds if he tried hard enough.
"Alec, you're ten years old. You and Jane both. You see how huge I am?" I asked, gesturing to my muscles and height. "I didn't get that way by pouting and refusing to eat my cauliflower. It really isn't that bad. You're just acting like babi-" I was cut short by a sharp glare from Mom from around the corner. Don't even say it, she mouthed.
I rolled my eyes. "Whatever, kiddo, just stay healthy. We don't need you two dropping like flies."
I grabbed five or six more Oreos and retreated to the den, where Dad was sitting with his other wife and children, football.
"Yo," I mumbled through chocolate cookies and vanilla icing.
"Hey, son. Care to join me? The game's getting pretty…. OH, COME ON!" he shouted at the TV, making me jump out of my skin.
He looked over at me and we both started cracking up because, let's face it, me getting scared is hilarious.
"How's life, kid?" Dad asked conversationally, twisting the cap off of his water bottle. "School okay? Sports? Girls?"
I groaned and threw myself on the couch, throwing my head back once I sufficiently plopped down. "Life's alright. School's keeping up, some of my teachers are total as- jerkoffs." He looked at me again and cocked an eyebrow. I cocked one of mine in defense. Some of those teachers really were jerkoffs. "Football, too; I'm still working hard, yadda yadda. Girls…" I trailed off, a grin spreading across my face in anticipation of his disgruntled-ness. Dad could be hilarious, too, especially when he got all riled up about me and girls.
"Emmett, I swear, I will disown you, then castrate you if you ever get into a mess with a girl. Or hurt one. Me and your mother-"
"Your mother and I," I corrected, still grinning like an idiot.
"Smart ass. Your mother and I raised you better than that."
"I know, I know. I hate those d-bags that hit girls or even yell at them, just to make themselves feel batter."
He sighed. "Son, you know I could get into that 'til the cows come home, so let's get back to the matter at hand. You're going to a party tonight, you're going to behave, and you're going to college. Whether it be through sports or grades or both, you're gonna make something of yourself, alright?" Dad lectured. I playfully sighed and rolled my eyes, but took his words to heart.
I was going to make my mark in the world, even if it was just making the girl I admired realize how beautiful she truly was.
XXX
"Emmett!" I heard shouted simultaneously as I walked into Crowley's place. His parent's were gone - to British Columbia for some convention – for the weekend, so he was celebrating. Along with half of Forks High's student body.
"Heyyy!" I shouted back, chuckling.
We all exchanged the regular pleasantries for us: fist pounds, masculine half-hugs, patting backs, and a few headlocks here and there. I looked over at the clock; it was around 8:15, but I couldn't be sure because people kept knocking me around in their attempt to find food or alcohol.
Barbarians. I could look and talk like them, but I could never really be them. I pretended to drink at these parties, but I really only came to hang out with the guys and make sure nobody did anything stupid.
Somebody had the decency to turn on the music, which happened to be Lil' Wayne. I wrinkled my nose; didn't they have any of the good stuff, the classics?
"No, no, no, this won't do," I declared to the kid at the stereo. He looked up at me with wide eyes and shoved his hair out of his face, but accidentally smacking himself as well. I laughed loudly, probably scaring him even more, and shook my head. "Here, just let me do it, kid. Don't get your panties in a bunch." He quickly complied, scurrying away from the stack of CDs and speakers.
As I thumbed through them, looking for some TuPac, Biggie, or West Side Connection, I heard the door open and close once more. I looked up and did a double take, realizing Bella and Edward were here.
I waved my hand like the five year old I was to catch their attention. "Edward! Bella! Over here!" I boomed, probably way louder than necessary since it was still a few minutes until 8:30, which was the time the party actually started.
They both looked up from greeting whoever was closest to the door and smiled. Well, Edward rolled his eyes and Bella jumped up and waved back at me, smiling. I laughed and weaved my way around the small crowd that had grown in the middle of the room.
"Hey guys, what's up? It's great to see you here!"
"Emmett. We saw you five hours ago and will see you at school tomorrow," Edward stated, nudging me in the ribs with his elbow. He sounded annoyed, but I could tell he was trying not to laugh.
"Well, Eddie, I just missed you already. You never call, you never write. Izzy Bizzy, you better keep an eye on your man or I'll snatch him up," I replied, trying not to laugh at the look on Edward's face as I threw my arm over his shoulder.
"Right, as if there aren't enough vultures waiting in line, I need to fight you off too. Well, if it came down to it, I'd let you have him because I could never take you," Bella said, laughing. Then she added, "And you know how I hate that name, Em. C'mon."
I sighed wistfully. "Well, darling, we can elope in Canada. But for now I'm just a bachelor. And shut it, Bells, you know you love that nickname."
"Like white loves rice." Her tone was thick with sarcasm and I chuckled. Edward joined in, too.
"Speaking of which, Em, do you plan on ever getting a solid girlfriend?" he asked. "Not that the picking's too good here," he murmured, too low for anyone else to hear.
Bella playfully smacked him on the arm. "Edward!" she hissed. "There is one girl I think would be absolutely perfect for Emmett," she stated matter-of-factly.
"Who? Jessica?" I asked sarcastically, laughing. Bella made a gagging noise and shook her head.
"Hell no. Jessica is such a skank. Ugh. No, your perfect lady's going to be here, tonight, though, so you'll see her," Bella replied deviously.
I cocked an eyebrow at her, waiting for an elaboration. I hated when girls got all cryptic and crap. She did the same, which made me crack up because if anyone could not pull that look off, it was tiny Bella. Or Alice Brandon.
I sighed dramatically. "Fiiine, don't tell me. Whatever. And don't worry about me, Edward, because apparently your lady's got something up her sleeve." I looked pointedly at Bella, waiting for her to say something more. She smirked. Jeez.
Edward chuckled. "Yeah, her and the rest of the female population of the school. Well, Em, we're gonna go say hi to Mike; it's always fun scaring the piss out of him when he tries to flirt with Bella." We both laughed and Bella rolled her eyes, muttering something about "men."
I turned around and made my way back to the stereo, continuing my quest for some good music. The door slammed shut a few more times, signaling that more people had been coming in, but I didn't bother looking to see who it was. Not until I found my TuPac.
That is, except for when I heard a high pitched, silvery voice yell out.
"Bella!" Alice yelled. I lifted my head and gaze to where the sound was coming from and my breath caught in my throat.
Rosalie was there with her, eyes sweeping over the crowd anxiously. I turned a little and noticed Edward and Bella toward the back, near the bottom of the stairs, chatting with Angela Weber and Ben Cheney. I stopped my search, once again, and made my way over to Alice and Rosalie.
"Hey, Alice," I called. Rosalie was the first to spot me and her eyes widened as she swallowed. Alice noticed me then, a slow smile spreading across her face.
"Hey, Emmett. You seen Jasper or Bella?" she asked.
"Yeah, sure. Bella and Edward are back over there," I pointed to the staircase, "chatting with Angela and Ben. I haven't seen Jazz, but hey, I've been looking for the same CD for at least 20 minutes. The chances of me noticing him are slim to none. Plus he's super stealthy and shit half the time – he scares the crap out of me sometimes, ya know? Talk to him about it, Alice," I rambled. Somebody must have lit up or something because I rarely talked without pausing like that.
Alice laughed lightly and shook her head while Rosalie cracked a smile. I returned it and tilted my head towards the stairs. I made a talking gesture with my hand and raised both of my brows. Her face filled with recognition and after a moment, she nodded.
All the while Alice had been looking between me and her, pretty curious, but Rosalie just shook her head. "How about you go find Jasper, Liss? I'm gonna go find someone to talk to, maybe Bella and Edward. It's been a while since I've given him any shit." She smiled at the last part and Alice grinned.
"'Kay. Don't mentally scar him, or Bella might stake you."
"Got it. I got my phone, just text me if you want to find me."
"See ya, love." And with that, Alice walked back out the door. Rosalie turned to face me.
"So, I'm, uh, just gonna go say hi to them… then… um, I'll see you, uh, up… stairs?" she asked, sounding a bit nervous.
I smiled softly. "Yeah. You go talk with 'em, I'll see you. Not in a creepy way or anything, though."
She smiled back at me and nodded, walking around people and possibly shoving some of them in the process. I stifled a laugh. Tenacious, much?
I was behind her, but split off and up the stairs once we were there. I counted the steps as I walked up; 14. I walked down the hall to the second door on the left. I knew it was the spare bedroom and hoped like hell nobody else was in there.
I knocked and paused to listen. No one answered, so I opened up the door, slowly in case a couple was too busy to hear me, and sighed in relief when I realized the room was empty.
I walked over to the bay window, taking a seat on the wooden surface and looking out over the front of the house. There were quite a few cars lined up in front and I stupidly wondered if Bella's dad was going to make an appearance at the Crowleys' this evening.
I wasn't sure how much time passed, but soon an anxious looking Rosalie sat down on the window seat as well, effectively scaring the crap out of me. Something similar to a muffled yell came out of me, making Rosalie look at me quizzically before recognition dawned over her features.
"Sorry," she muttered. "Bet you're happy you said we could talk, eh?" she asked, laughing lightly. It sounded forced.
"Nah, I was just zoning out and you surprised me."
"Yeah…" She looked down at her hands and turned to face me. I did the same, save for the hands.
"So you wanna chat some more about… your, er, parents… or something? I'll just listen, if you want. Or we could talk about whatever else…" I rambled. Rosalie looked up and smirked.
"Yeah, we could totally talk about how much of a douche Tyler Crowley is."
I put my hand over my heart in mock hurt. "Hey. He's my homeboy."
She grinned even wider before saying, "Right, and I bet Eric is your homegirl."
I damn near gagged – everyone knew Eric was an outward pervert while also being obsessed with SciFi - as she chuckled, but this time it was more genuine. I couldn't help but smile back at her.
"Watch it, Hale, or I'll have to tell him that you're cheating on him."
"Oh, God, nasty. He's never gonna get a girl if he keeps molesting people with his eyes." We both laughed loudly and continued the playful banter for a few moments.
"So how was it this evening?" I asked seriously. Some tension surrounded us, but I ignored it. She did deserve better, and if she needed someone to listen, I would be that someone.
Rosalie averted her eyes, looking out the window. "Um…" She sounded a little embarrassed, which made me wonder if she'd done something. Then she looked me dead in the eye and blurted out, "I fell asleep in my car."
I snorted, feeling bad in case I offended her, but a small smile took over her mouth. It morphed into a full-on cheeser as her eyes grew distant. "When?"
"After I verbally harassed the nurse and went to my car. I lied down and then I woke up and it was almost seven."
I smirked. "You verbally harassed the nurse?" I laughed.
She smirked back. "Yeah, she…" She trailed off, looking anywhere but me. "Nevermind," she muttered.
I felt worried. What did the nurse say to her? I would never harm a woman, much less an elderly one, but I could at least make a complaint or something if that lady had hurt Rosalie…
"Hey," she said. "I see you're concerned and all, but don't. Just… don't. I don't deserve it… your worry." Rosalie looked so sad then; just pure sadness manifested into this lovely girl who guarded herself in every possible way.
"No." I made sure my voice was firm but not hurtful. "You don't. You know what I say? Other people's thoughts and words do not define who I am. No one else says who or what you are except for you, Rosalie. Not parents, not peers, not anyone. You are worth it."
Tears were forming in her eyes as she looked out the window, and I fleetingly worried that I'd upset her, but realized it was something else.
She spoke. "I want… I want so badly to believe it, Emmett. I…" Her voice had started shaking and we both tried to ignore it; I paid no attention because I didn't want to patronize her. "I want to know it. I want to believe that what you say is true. But it's so hard, especially when all I know is self-disgust. I couldn't… I can't look at myself and find anything… admirable. It hurts so much. It hurts so, so much to hear it and have to deny it. I can't hurt myself like that. I almost-" she sucked in a breath, the tears that were freely falling landing in her lap, "-almost think it's true. But I know better." A fierce determination was set on her face, the tears stopping.
It broke my heart.
"God, how can I get through to you? Why? Why would you think that? I… I don't even… Rosalie, whatever you think is wrong with you? It probably isn't. And besides, nobody is perfect. Everyone has something that everyone hates about them. Me? I'm an ass half the time, but for some reason these shmucks think I'm funny and fun to be around, so they deal."
Her stony cheek split into a lopsided grin that made me want to hold her in my arms. What a pussy, Emmett, I thought wryly. I didn't care.
She chuckled quietly. "You are an ass half the time. You should work on that." Rosalie grinned up at me, gazing at me through her eyelashes.
Just as I was about to answer her, a girl burst into the room, practically knocking the door down. I turned to find a drunk-as-a-skunk Lauren collapsing on the floor in a fit of giggles. She somehow figured out it was me sitting there, what with her squinting and drunkenness, which caused her next words to slur, but nonetheless get through to Rosalie and me.
"Eeemmeeeett! You hot piece of maaan, you! What're yooou doing in heeere with heeerrr?" Lauren cackled and rolled over on the floor, practically choking on her laughter. I could feel the tension now emanating off of Rosalie, and wanted to help, but I seemed paralyzed by anger and something not unlike embarrassment.
"Shut the fuck up, Lauren," I spat out. "You're drunk off your ass and you need to get out. You should have knocked first." I don't know why I expected her to take me seriously because drunk chicks like Lauren tend to be all loosey-goosey no matter how serious the situation is.
She giggled and all but shouted, "You're not my father! Unless you wanna be my-"
"Dumb skank!" I cut her off before she could say something totally inappropriate, especially with Rosalie right there.
"I've gotta go," Rosalie blurted out. She was up and swiftly escaping the scene before I could think of anything to say.
I felt so obligated to explain myself. I felt ashamed, now that Rosalie knew I may have associated with bitches like Lauren. Everyone knew they were the crowd that thought they were better than everyone, when in reality, they had no self-respect and gave themselves up without asking for anything in return.
It was pathetic.
And now the girl I'd been hoping to someday call mine was running away from me and all of my disgusting glory.
Tomorrow, I thought. Tomorrow I'll tell her. Tomorrow will be my day, I told myself. After all, isn't everybody better off after a night to sleep on it?
XXX
RPOV
Out. I needed to get out. I needed to get away from the mess, stay clean, stay above it all, pure and hollow and just begging to be heard.
While I knew that Lauren was a slut and Emmett didn't necessarily have the best reputation, I never expected them to have known each other, that way. It made me sick, to think that skank had been that close to him and not even care about him while I was distant and isolated, caring more about him than any of those floozies.
Everything had been going well. Bumpy, yes, but at least I had a confidant that wouldn't judge me.
And then fucking Lauren fucking Mallory walks in on her hooker heels and pisses on everything, reminding me of who I really am.
I realized my ride was Alice, and mentally punched myself in the boob. What the hell was I supposed to do? Walk home? It was 40 degrees, tops, windy, and possibly raining. Coupled with the fact that I had no body heat, I would be utterly screwed if I tried to walk, no matter how little the distance.
I check the time; 9:14. I looked for Alice and spotted her on Jasper's lap, thankfully still sober, and chattering amicably with another girl whose name might have been Katie.
"Alice," I said, not giving a fuck if I interrupted. "I need you to stay nice and sobered up. Some shit hit the fan - I'll tell you later - and I need to relax. Can you do that for me?" I smiled weakly, trying to lighten my words, and she nodded sympathetically.
"Don't drink too much or I'm dropping you off at the hospital. Don't do anything you'll regret. Love ya, babe. I''l be over here." She smiled sincerely, but the sadness that was probably for me still oozed out of those big, gray eyes.
I managed to get my hands on some vodka and poured it in a typical red plastic cup. It burned on the way down, but was soon offering me some of the relief I desired. Edward seemed to appear out of thin air and almost made me piss my pants.
"Jesus!" I exclaimed. "Don't do that to me, Edward!" I tried to swat at him but didn't put much effort into it.
He chuckled at my expense. "Do what?" I glared at him. "Okay, got it, whatever. I came over here to check on you - yes, I actually do care about you because Bella really does care and you've grown on me, too. Anyways, you never drink, and I wanted to make sure... Is everything okay?"
Edward turned those mind-reading green eyes on me and I resisted the urge to clamp my own eyes shut. It seemed like he already knew the answers; no, nothing is okay. Everything is wrong.
"Well," he continued, "you gonna talk or do I have to interrogate you?" He grinned and I just rolled my eyes.
"I'm fine," I murmured. "Everything's fine. Everything's going to be okay. But hey, can you be a dear and tell me if you see Emmett?" I asked. Did you really just call Edward dear? my brain sputtered. Shut the hell up, I muttered mentally.
"Uh... I guess..." His floppy bronze hair was easily seen, so I decided I'd use that as my beacon. "Why...?"
"I just want to avoid him until I leave. Simple enough."
A few swigs later, I had an empty cup in hand. Tyler luckily had some low-calorie root beer in his fridge, so I mixed that with the small amount of whiskey that was just calling my name from the table it sat on. I happily mixed the two and continued through the crowd, avoiding the copper hair and trying to mix in with the other students.
And one cup later, I needed another refill. I chose my poison and continued until I must have drank five or six red plastic cups and was very, very tipsy.
"Aliiisssss," I slurred as I caught sight of her. "I wanna go hoooome, Lisssseeee poo. Can you take me home?" I started giggling as someone helped me out to the car. Once there, I turned and saw it was Bella and Edward, my two new best friends.
"Oh my gawwwwd, you guys. I love you soooooo much I just wannnaa lick your foreheeeead or kiss you or somethiiing. I looove you guuyyys." They both chuckled as I hugged Bella tightly and kissed Edward on the forehead like a mother.
XXX
I somehow ended up in my bedroom, sprawled uncomfortably on the comforter and wondering what time and day it was.
And then I remembered.
The realization that Emmett was probably just pitying me, just trying to be polite to me, hit and cut me in the worst possible way. I felt like slicing myself open and just letting out all of the bad, taking in the good, and starting over. Never giving in to her.
Simply being happy.
But no. My life was bound for destruction. Unhappy family, unhappy life, and unhappy body. It felt like nobody really wanted me there. Why should I hang around? Why did those bitches deserve my time and energy?
All I could think in my painful haze was Why?
Why keep trying so hard?
Why not just let it be, let the dust settle and deal with it another day?
Why not just follow Tanya?
And suddenly she was there, at my bedside, ghostly pale with a green tint and gaunt and giving me a smile that made my heart freeze in my chest. "Rosalie," she whispered. Her voice was like gravel and knives on chalkboard. "I miss you, Rosie. We were best friends, Rosie." Her voice, her voice, her voice. My heart started racing, scrabbling to escape from its cage.
Her once shining, strawberry blonde ringlets now hung flat and heavy on her skull, a dull, fearsome color that reminded me of smokers' teeth and rotting Jack-O-Lanterns. Her eyes were glassy and hollow, yet brimming with hatred all at the same time.
The hairs on the back of my neck prickled while Tanya's smile grew.
"You," she hissed. "You promised." I swallowed heavily. "We were best friends." Her voice grew in volume while I wondered if my parents or brothers would come to check if she got too loud.
"Rosalie," Tanya all but yelled. "You said, 'Tanya, we're best friends; I'd do anything to make you happy.'" I could've sworn I saw tears forming in her dead eyes.
She leaned in, resting her palms on the bed only inches from my side. I could pick out the different scents radiating off of her - rotting leaves, stale cigarette smoke, something metallic, garbage bins, mold - but all I could call the stench was death.
Tanya's mouth was so close to my ear I could feel her stagnant, moist breath and hear her breathing. "Rosie, we are best friends. You promised. I miss you. It's time for you to come home."
Shivers were racing up and down my spine, anxiety, fear, and nausea were roiling in my stomach, and a cold sweat broke out on my forehead.
I felt like dying.
"Look," Tanya whispered as she pointed to something on my bedstand. "It's empty."
It was a box.
A small, white, box.
I was dying.
That wicked smile looked like it would tear her face apart.
"Come home, Rosalie." I started shaking.
Tanya placed her frozen hand in mine. "It will be okay. Everything will be okay." I shed one, two, three tears. "Shhh."
She crooned a lullaby from our childhoods as I sobbed without noise.
I wanted to check the time, but I was
oh
so
tired and it was
oh
so
cold.
Sobs made me fall apart.
Shivers turned my spine to dust.
Fingernails left dots of red along my skin as I took Tanya's hand.
Carpet shred my aching feet as
she led me to the window.
I opened it.
She whispered, in a voice so full of wonder I thought I would vomit, "Hollow. Empty. Clean. Isn't it magnificent?"
I nodded.
"Look," she said. "Look at the stars. You know what?"
Please stop. Don't say it.
"I'll give you every fucking star because I love you, Rosie." She snorted grotesquely.
No. Not now. I already know.
"They don't love you," she whispered. "Not anymore." A sob ripped out of my throat.
"I know."
XXX
I don't know if those words were silent or screamed. I don't know if I said them or thought them. I don't know if I was ever really real.
And as I let my sadness leak out of my suddenly alive eyes,
I remembered the happiness.
And I was sad for that being gone, too.
And then
I
was
gone.
XXX
EmPOV
When I heard the news about Rosalie Hale, I didn't quite understand that punch I felt in my chest, puncturing through my ignorance and revealing new and sorrowful things.
Of course, even though nobody - nobody - had secrets in Forks, Rosalie had managed to smother hers down, hidden from the truth.
She didn't have to die.
Her parents were "utterly shocked" by their oldest child's sudden departure. Bullshit. They knew she was cracking under it all, twisted and blinded by her family's harshness and Tanya's suicide that had sent Rosalie into a tailspin. Understandable, but she should have known she could have talked to me. She should have known someone could help her. I could have helped her.
She was a delicate rose, twined with thorns, and nobody bothered to put some fucking gloves on and help her.
They said they found a note in her room, written in a desperate, jagged scrawl that was not unlike that of a madman who's been lost at sea. It said:
bury me in satin
lay me down on a bed of roses
sink me in the river at dawn
send me away with the words of a love song
life aisn't always what you think it ought to be
the sharp knife of a short life, well
i've had, just enough time
i'll be wearing white
so put on your best boys and i'll wear my pearls
it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand. there's a
Boy here in town who says he'll love me forever
a penny for my thoughts? oh no, I'll sell them for a dollar
they're worth so much more after I'm a goner
gather up your tears - keep them in your pocket
save them for a time when you're really gonna need them
XXX
I missed her. She deserved so much better.
Why didn't I see?
XXX
I went to counseling after she was gone. I told my doctor about how I was wracked with guilt, sadness, and vague depression. I felt like I'd lost one of my closest friends instead of a girl who'd I spoken to a handful of times. I'd always been watching her, though, following her out of the corner of my eye and trying to ignore the wistfulness that sang in my ears. I told the doctor that, too.
"Love," she replied, eyes misty and pitying.
"No." I shook my head. "It couldn't- could it? I... I didn't pursue a relationship, but..."
And it made sense. I was too late, always fighting it, and look where it got me now.
That night, I'd cried and sobbed and wept and didn't know what the hell was happening but just knew it hurt and, God, if I could change it, I would have. But I couldn't. All I could do was try to pick myself back up and keep going.
That's all we can ever do, isn't it? Love what they were, remember them and cherish what time we had, and celebrate them? We could tell their stories, spread a message of beauty and peace and love, and hope like hope that it wouldn't happen again. That's all I could do. I could feel miserable and stupid and regret everything.
But I would know that I loved her, know in every fiber of my being that I loved Rosalie Lillian Hale, and try to find happiness and hope in everything else.
Yesterday, it had been a month since she lost herself and took those steps out of her window. I went to her grave and said my goodbyes; I whispered words of luck to the grass and opened my heart up to the earth. I wondered if she heard them, wherever she was.
I'd like to think she did.
And that's my one-shot/songfic folks. I hope you liked it. It took me forever to finally finish it. I'm sort of proud of it. Reviews would make my day much better (:
SERIOUS NOTE: Anorexia is awful. I have a friend who's recovering from it and I love her dearly. It's terrible and scary and unpredictable and deadly and please, please, PLEASE get help if you or someone you know suffers from it. You're all worth it. Everyone is beautiful. There's a book called "Wintergirls" that is fiction but beautifully written by Laurie Halse Anderson and sheds a lot of light on the subject. Check it out if you like.
Muchas gracias to Winged and Dangerous for beta'ing!