I don't know about you, but I don't remember growing up. I don't remember when my mom stopped making a plate of food for me and started letting me do it for myself. I don't remember when my dad stopped coming into my room at night to make sure I was safe and asleep in my bed. I don't remember when I quit being afraid of the monsters under my bed at night that caused me to go into my parents room to sleep with them. All I know is one day I woke up and it all changed. I stopped being okay with my parents being in charge of my life and I started having thoughts, opinions and dreams of my own. The only thing I know, is it happened. I didn't get a say in it, I didn't get a choice in the matter, because that isn't how life works. We don't get everything we want and we don't get to decided what things change or when they change. They... just do.
There are some people who believe that we get to determine how our lives turn out, that we decide our own destiny, our own fate. There is nothing wrong with that. I just don't agree. See, the way I see it, we have control over our lives but it's limited. Like, for example: I have complete control over what outfit I will wear to work this morning and I get to decided what I will have for supper tonight. I also am in control over what pair of shoes I will buy when I go shopping and how many pairs I will buy. Those are just some examples. Another example? I also believe we decide who breaks our heart.
What we don't have control over is how they break our heart. We also don't get to decide on how bad it hurts or how long it will hurt or if we ever get over the hurt.
We all, at one time or another, start planning a "perfect life" for ourselves. Our imaginations and the hope we have carried with us since childhood, put together a fairytale love story that Walt Disney couldn't touch, and a dream wedding to go along with it. We dream of a house with a big yard, a picket fence and a little yorkie. We see three kids, two boys and a girl to be exact, all running around laughing and playing. Along with it, is the perfect job that makes our bank accounts happy. We keep that buried deep within our hearts of hearts and locked away with our deepest secrets. Because, even though we know everyone has the exact same dream (or one close to it) we still have the fear of them laughing at us because we know it is such a mundane and frivolous dream.
Now, even though I was just like everyone else on this planet with the silly little American Dream in mind, I never truly believed it would happen to me. My fantasy of a perfect life was just that, a fantasy.
The problem with imagining up and having hope for this "prefect life" is when you get close to having it, and then it is taken away from you, the heartbreak is unimaginable. Like I said, we have a choice, I believe, in who breaks our heart. We just have no control over how it's broken or how bad it hurts. See, trusting someone with your entire being just to have them throw it in the dirt and stomp on it, is bad enough. But, when you trust someone with everything and then throw in the stupid dream world you make up in your head, it makes it worse when said person destroys it, when they destroy you.
Life sometimes has the cruelest intentions for people and why that is, we will never know. And, that is exactly what life had planned for me, so I thought for awhile. I mean, when I was 18 years old I didn't lose just one parent, I lost both of my parents. damn drunk drivers. After I lost them, my step brothers just decided they didn't want anything to do with me and so I was without any family.
When I learned code I hacked into world known companies to find who tested their products on animals and what do you know! I got busted by the damn FBI. So, there I was, handcuffed to a table trying to wrap my head around the possibility of going to prison. Yeah, my life sucked and I made up my mind that life and the universe and all it's entities just wanted my entire existence to be a shitty one. Well, you know what universe? Fuck you, too.
But, then, the universe decided to throw a curveball at me. I can either go to prison or I can join the people who arrested me as their technical analyst. No, I am not Marilyn Monroe or Jennifer Aniston, but I'm not an ugly person either. I would not do okay in prison. So, I took the job. I met everyone on our team and I got along with them all, I liked them all. Okay, I wouldn't say that I liked them all because, let's be honest. Jason Gideon and Penelope Garcia didn't seem to understand one another and we sure as hell didn't care to try.
Hotch, strict but a good man and a good boss. JJ, she was so sweet sweetheart candy, I believe, was made after her. Reid, extremely young but so damn smart. And, honestly, he was cute. But, not in a romantic way but more in a little brother that I don't want to punch in the throat kind of way. Elle, wasn't around long enough for me to even decide if I like her or not.
Then, there was him. Derek fucking Morgan. The only man I have ever come across that I can love and hate all in the same breath. We became extremely close, really fast. He became my best friend. He was always there for me when I needed someone to be and I was there for him. Our loyalty was thicker than blood. Of course, just like every friendship, there were some bumps in the road. There were moments I wanted to take my fuzzy pen with sparkles on it and stab him in the arm and there were moments when I'm sure he wanted to put my head through the wall. Of course, we bounced back from whatever bullshit was thrown at us. We got through myself getting shot, meeting and falling in love with Kevin Lynch, him driving an ambulence loade down with fucking bombs through New York City. And, we got through thing one and thing two, also known as Tamera Barns (thing one) and Savannah Hayes (thing two). We also got through the drama of Kevin and I breaking up.
No, Derek didn't have a decision in my getting shot or falling in love with Kevin Lynch, just like I had no say in him playing superman in New York or no say in Tamera and Savannah.
Now, I know I said we have control over who breaks our heart but when it comes to the wonderful subject of love, this is what I don't believe we have any say in: We have no choice in who falls in love with us and we don't have a say in who we fall in love with. After that, everything else is up to us. So, when I noticed I had feelings for my super hero of a best friend, it took me by surprise because I wasn't expecting it. No shit because I have no control over all this love shenanigan. Then, life with it's wonderful curve balls, hit me with another one. Derek Morgan confessed to me that he wanted to be more than just friends. That his feelings for me were too strong to ignore and he wanted us to try a relationship with each other.
Eeeeekkk! Pump the breaks, rewind, and let me understand this. Derek Morgan, aka Mr. I'll Never Settle Down Because I Like To Flirt With All The Ladies, wants to try a relationship? And out of all the female population, he wants to try a relationship with me?!
YES! So, I, not being an idiot, said yes. Because, what woman in her right damn mind would say no to that fine man? No woman in her right mind, that's who! Thus, began our wonderful love affair. I'm going to rewind to our first date and take you from there and explain how I got on this whole rant about life and fate, and what we do or do not have control over.
This may have a happy ending, it may not. But, if you want to find out, then stick around. But, I'm not making any promises. Because, one thing that I, Penelope Garcia, has learned the hard way, is that the word "promise" is a lie in itself. This is your choice. This is one thing you have controle over. You can either keep reading or you can click out of it. Either way, I warned you. Now, here we go...