I Remember When I Was Yours and You Were Mine
I leaned my head back against the couch, my textbook on my lap, pencil laying on top. It seemed every year, school got harder, more drama, harder academics, the impending thought of the future constantly forced upon the Junior students. I ran my fingers through my hair as I tried to refocus on the textbook, my eyes glazing over the words, but never seeming to retain what they were trying to say. Not with Taylor crying in the room behind me, a thin wall keeping Jenna's soft hushes trying to muffle the sound of our seven-month year old little girl's cry.
It seemed my world had turned into a constant crash of those two sounds. Crying and desperate singing, a weak attempt to hush the cries.
I decided to try some formulas, reaching over for my calculator. I was stuck in pre-calc now, an AP class along the path I'd been taking since Freshman year. I closed my eyes, trying to remember how easy my first year of high school had been.
My life revolved around the simplest things; getting on the basketball team, fixing those dumb robots he would make when he was younger. The Fridays with Alli, Conner and Clare. Life is so different now, when was the last time I talked to Conner? What happened with Alli, I don't think I've seen her since, maybe, the beginning of the year. And Clare, well, I wondered what she was thinking.
Of course I've seen her in school, my first real girlfriend.
It seemed she was constantly with one of her bible-buddies, that one Torres kid— Drew's stepbrother, or her new boyfriend, the one clothed completely in black, colored nails, outgrown hair. I'd cared enough to learn his name, Eli.
I knew Clare, I knew her for a long time, and I'd never expect her to be with someone like him. They were polar opposites, she was sweet, innocent, while he looked quite the opposite. I heard about the knife and had concluded he must have deserved it, he must have really had it coming. Fitz may have been a bully, but he didn't seem crazy, not in my few encounters with him. This was one of those moments where I wondered what Clare had seen in that boy.
And then I wondered why I cared so much.
I was at my own house, not far from my own daughter, my own girlfriend singing more desperately in the next room. My life doesn't concern Clare anymore.
Then I thought came into my mind, a bothersome one that prodded along the edges of my thoughts, repeating in loud tones, forcing me to focus on it. What if it did. I mentally pushed the thought away, Clare was never going to be mine again, she was in ninth grade and that was it. Even though she's gorgeous now, right? You could never love her. The thoughts pushed against the edge of my brain again. I sighed softly, biting down on my lip.
I did wonder what life would be like if I had stayed with Clare, if I was holding her in my arms, with her bouncy curls and bright blue eyes that had always been hidden behind frames when I had seen her. If I didn't have Jenna, if I never had Taylor, if I wasn't on the football team.
My life was full of ifs. Ifs that I would never get to explore, not when I was here.
"KC?" Jenna's voice called from the next room, the crying hushed enough that I could catch her voice, even when my mind was only halfway there, stuck in a realm of dreams.
"Yeah, Jenna?" I called back, pushing a hand against the ground, shaking my textbook off, the pencil on top rolling off to the carpet as I stood up, flicking my hair to the side to look around. I soon noticed Jenna, leaning against the door frame, holding Taylor in her arms, who had finally settled down. She watched me, her eyes a bit concerned.
I shook my head, knowing my hair must be disheveled, I hadn't gotten any studying done, I'd been daydreaming, my eyes probably looked distant too. Jenna decided to assess that instead of what she had been thinking of before. "KC, what's wrong?"
She walked a bit closer, holding Taylor with just one arm as she reached a hand up to me, flattening a side of my hair which was probably pointing every which-way. As her hand moved back I shook my head, trying to convince her that I was just being a bit dreamy, that I wasn't focusing as I should. "No, I was just daydreaming a bit, no worries."
She raised an eyebrow, not being quick to accept that explanation. I avoided her gaze, wondering how well this girl could read me, and then figured that if she couldn't, that was indeed be a bad thing, in itself. I focused on Taylor, instead, her blue eyes staring up innocently, her small hands reaching. "Okay," Jenna finally muttered thoughtfully, although I could tell by the sound of her voice, she wasn't really believing me. Why would she?
It's a good thing mind-reading is just an element of fairy tales. Jenna would be disappointed, or maybe upset, upset that I've been wondering what would happen, if I had taken the other side of those what ifs.
It's too late anyway.
Clare's with someone else, she's in love with someone else. I am too.
No sense in wondering...