I AM SO SORRY THAT I HAVEN'T UPDATED MY OTHER STORIES. WITH MY CONCUSSION, MOST OF MY ENERGY HAS BEEN POURED INTO SCHOOL WORK, LEAVING LITTLE TIME TO WRITE. I'VE ALSO BEEN DEALING WITH OTHER PERSONAL ISSUES. TO TOP IT OFF, I HAVE A COLD. SO YEAH. THAT'S BEEN MY PAST MONTH OR SO IN A NUTSHELL. ON A BRIGHTER NOTE, LET'S GO PATRIOTS TOMORROW!
Snow briefly wondered where Emma got her golden locks from as the moonlight hit it from her position at the stern of the Jolly Roger, but as quickly as the thought came, it passed. She'd thought about it many times before and waiting another night to sit down with Charming and draw out the family tree wouldn't hurt. She slowly made her way to the bench Emma was sitting on and gently rested a hand on her daughter's shoulder. To her surprise, or maybe it was just wishful thinking, she thought she felt Emma's head lean slightly toward her arm.
"Hey." The brunette said. She wasn't talking loudly, but with the only noise being the sound of waves crashing against the ship, she might as well have been using a megaphone.
"Hey." Emma replied.
"I'd ask if you want to talk about it, but I think your answer goes without saying. So I'll skip to 'do you want to be alone'?"
"Nope." Emma's lips twitched up into a small smile. With that, Snow lowered herself onto the wooden bench, her hand closing over Emma's. "And actually, to your first question…" The blonde chewed her bottom lip in hesitation. "I never even looked at Henry." She blurted, her voice halting and eyes filled with unshed tears.
"I'm sorry?" Snow asked, confused.
"After he was born, the doctor told me I should hold him, that I –that I still had time to change my mind." She paused, swallowing the lump in her throat. "He said I should hold him, to make sure it's what I really wanted. But I didn't. I didn't even look at my own son, never mind hold him. And that just… it makes me so mad. Like, I should have held him and I didn't and… God, I don't even know what he looked like. Does he look any different? What was he like? Did he put Regina through Hell?" She trailed off, running her hands over her cheeks to swipe the moisture away.
"You didn't want to?" The brunette blinked tears of her own back. She had to be strong for Emma right now, no matter how painful it was to see her daughter hurting so much.
"I wanted to, more than anything. But I knew that if I even looked at him," she took a shuddering breath, having given up on keeping her face dry, "that I wouldn't be able to give him up, and I knew his best chance wasn't with me. I don't know, maybe I was wrong." She laughed humorlessly, and ran a hand through her hair. "But then I see him now, and Regina did a damn good job raising him."
"Just like someone else did a good job of raising herself when she shouldn't have had to." Snow squeezed her daughter's hand. Emma seemed to be as good at changing the subject as she was at raising herself.
"Did you ever see him when he was a baby?" At that, Snow's face fell. She had been debating with herself over whether or not to tell Emma that she had held Henry and even consoled him when Regina hadn't been able to.
"I held him." She finally said after a few beats. "Regina was talking on her cell and Henry was crying. She had brought him to Dr. Whale to make sure nothing was wrong because he just wouldn't stop crying. He was fine, just a crying baby. Nothing unusual. She needed me to take him for a minute while she talked and, well, Henry just quieted. I guess it's what all babies do in their grandmother's arms." She shrugged a little.
"You held him?" Emma peeked up from under her lashes, almost embarrassed to have sounded so child-like.
"If I could transfer the memory to you, I would." Snow said honestly.
"What did he do?" She whispered.
"He just kind of laid there… his eyes were a little bluer than they are now, but… something about them felt familiar."
"Because they're just like ours." Emma said quietly, returning the squeeze her mother had given her earlier.
"Ours?" Now it was Snow's voice that dropped in volume.
"Yeah… they're the same. Yours and mine." The blonde shrugged.
"Yours were so blue when you were a baby…" Snow trailed off as her throat closed up.
"Like David's." Emma finished for her.
"And I felt an instant connection to him." Snow said after a moment. "Like I did with you. When we were both bent down picking up those books and our eyes met, I just knew you and I had met before. It was a stronger sense of familiarity than it was with Henry because, obviously, you're my daughter. Thinking back, I don't know why I never put two and two together."
"Because you were cursed." The blonde replied, her tone indicating that she in no way felt bad about her mother not recognizing her.
"But I still feel like I should have known who you were to me, especially after you called me your family." At that, Emma rolled her eyes.
"I already told you, I meant–"
"Deny it all you want but you loved me." Snow said in a teasing tone.
"I still do." Emma said quietly. Her mother's eyes lit up. "It's just… I know it doesn't seem like it. But I do. Both of you. I think that because I know, deep down, you're always going to love me, no matter what I do. You're not gonna leave me." Emma's voice hitched. "And I feel horrible because all you and David have been trying to do is love me and be there for me but all I do is push you away and get mad at you and I'm so, so sorry. I feel so vulnerable on this damn island. And that makes me uncomfortable. I've never really done the 'vulnerable' thing and it was the wrong time for it to start, you know? Henry was missing and–" to stop her daughter's ramblings, Snow squeezed her hand.
"I know." She said. "Neverland brings out the parts of people that they hate. For David, it was his pig-headed tunnel vision and innate need to be a hero. For you, it was your repressed feelings of abandonment and vulnerability."
"And for you?" Emma asked cautiously, afraid to reverse the roles and scare her mother away.
"For me," Snow started, "Neverland brought out my feelings and fear of not being a good mother."
"W-what?" The blonde's jaw dropped.
"Emma, I don't know how to comfort you!" The dam Snow had built against her tears broke, and the water poured from her eyes as her voice rose a few octaves. "When I was Mary Margaret and we were just friends, I knew exactly what you needed and exactly what you were feeling, but now I don't. A mother is supposed to instinctually know how to make her child feel better, but I'm not even doing a good job of that!" Despite her concern for Snow's emotional well-being, Emma found herself laughing. "Is this funny to you?" Snow did her best to glare through puffy eyes.
"No, it's just…" The younger woman paused to catch her breath. "When August confronted me about my destiny or whatever the Hell you wanna call it, I was fighting like Hell to be Henry's mom and to try to get him back… not that I ever really had him in the first place…" she sighed. "But when August wanted me to be the Savior and wanted me to believe, I told him I couldn't because all I could handle was being Henry's mom and that I wasn't even doing a good job of that. Same wording."
"Wow." Snow laughed, too.
"But you need to know something, and then this will be the last we ever speak of this because it's stupid and mushy and I'm probably going to start crying again."
"Agreed." The brunette smirked.
"You're not a good mom." Emma said seriously, forcing Snow to meet her eyes even though both pairs were filling with tears. "You're the best freakin' one. Ever. You love me and that is all any kid could ever ask for. Just by being there and never walking away from me –never leaving me– is knowing me and knowing what I need because what I need," Emma angrily swiped at a tear, "is for my family to never walk away from me again, even if you think I'm better off for it. I know why you wanted to stay here with David. You thought I was better off without you. But I'm not. I need a mom. I need a dad. Maybe not necessarily a mommy and a daddy to teach me how to tie my shoes, but I need my parents to teach me a lot."
"I'm sorry, am I still talking to Emma-I-don't-need-anyone-I-do-better-on-my-own-Swan?" Snow quipped.
"Shut up." Emma rolled her eyes.
"Emma, we missed everything. What could you possible need us to teach you now?"
"First of all, how to swim." The blonde said.
"You jumped off this ship without knowing how to swim!?"
"I knew one of you guys would jump in after me." Emma shrugged. "And see, you did. Well, not you, but David. Same thing."
"Don't. Ever. Do. Anything. Like. That. Again. Do you understand me?"
"Loud and clear. Seriously, you didn't have to yell it…"
"Emma," Snow sighed, exasperated, "we just got you back, do you really think we want to lose you?"
"Then listen to me. Despite my rash and stupid actions in the past, I'm actually smart."
"Of course you are, you're my daughter." Snow removed her hand from Emma's, only to wrap it around the larger woman's shoulder. After a few moments, the blonde said,
"You know, I'm glad that Henry was at least held by one of his biological relatives. I mean, Regina's a good mom, but still…"
"He's gonna be hugged so much by all of us he's going to be sick of it."
"Probably." Emma chuckled.
"Hey, can I ask you a question?"
"Shoot."
"Are you naturally blonde?"
"Um… yeah. Why?" Emma looked at her with a confused expression.
"It's just, I can't figure out why." Snow explained. "It's random, I know–"
"It's something I'd like to figure out, too. Maybe once we're back home, together, we can sit down and have a conversation like normal people. Well, as normally as people from fairytales who are practically related to everyone can."
"I'd like that." Snow smiled.
"So," Emma cleared her throat, "do you think you've had enough talking so that you can go back to bed and let me resume my watch?"
"What are you watching for?"
"At this rate? A parade of Aladdin on a flying carpet, Dumbo, and Regina's monkeys seeing as, you know, uh… we're on a flying boat."
I WON'T FISH FOR REVIEWS AND I KNOW YOU ALL ARE VERY BUSY WITH THE HOLIDAYS COMING UP, BUT IF YOU FEEL INCLINED TO LEAVE A COMMENT, IT REALLY DOES MAKE MY DAY XOXO