Over the Rainbow
He's clinging to me again. That energetic, superball brother of mine actually has his arms around my waist, jumping up and down behind me as if I had started a conga line. He's happy, hopping along his own bunny trail, just so pleased with himself that he ambushed me while I was typing on my laptop. I never get used to his childish behavior. Sometimes, I even curse it in my sleep. But, more often than not, I find myself encouraging the immaturity rather than resenting it. That's the real heart of my dreams, where I see him playing tag with me on a bright, green meadow, chasing butterflies and picking wildflowers until the sun joins the moon in a game of hide-and-seek. How lucky he is to be the age he is now, ten years old, young enough to have a breakfast of Skittles and Starburst, climb trees like a little wildcat, use a jungle gym as if he was a great Russian gymnast, and still have enough vitality to run laps in a field until he passes out from lack of breath. That's exactly what I'm so captivated by, his vigor for life, the bottomless reserve of enthusiasm he has for living. I have to admit it, he's everything I want. He's everything I need. He's got everything going for him that I wish I could grow to be. And I wouldn't have it any other way.
A weird thought crosses my mind, one I had only pondered during late night hours at home. What if I could join him?
My fingers hesitate over the keys of my computer. The limbs reflected the surprise that my face refused to show. What could possess me to bring such a ridiculous notion to life? Teenagers don't wonder whether or not they can relive childhood fantasies at recess!
At least the responsible ones don't. my inner voice lectured. They are conscientious workers, striving for goals, trying to reach for the stars, always grasping for something...
Something. What was that something I was looking for? Certainly not the daily grind of interviews, bills, checking accounts, car repair hassles, all those boring, grueling jobs that interfered with-
Another voice replaced the dull, teacher's tone, a glimmer of hope shining into my existence like an angel banishing an evil spirit.
Fun! squealed the self-indulgent nature. Go on! Stop ignoring the boy and let him show you how to breathe, how to live!
My eyes drifted to the light of my life, pulling on the back of my trench coat. Grey threads, barely noticeable against the pearly satin backdrop, fluttered in the breeze. In a matter of minutes, the fabric would let go, creating a hole in yet another one of my tailored sets. I couldn't say that I cared much about that now. At the moment, all I could see was his eyes, those big, beautiful blue eyes begging me to follow him to a candy store, falling into sugary riches that lied somewhere over the rainbow.
Be sensible! ordered the adult side of me. You can't afford to be distracted from your job!
No! He needs to show us what it's like to feel alive again! protested my inner child.
Where's your sanity?
Where's your sense of entertainment?
Don't be so frivolous!
Don't be so stuck up!
You—you juvenile!
Pretentious wannabe!
Finally, the grownup folded. Just a bit, though. Just an itsy-bitsy bit.
Why? whined the dreary tone wearily. Why do you insist upon being such a stubborn pain?
A giggle echoed in my head, a warm, light-hearted sound that was closer to heaven for me than any sermon I've ever heard.
Because I want to live. was the wanton reply that followed the laughter. I want to live, let us live, I just want us to-
Suddenly, almost as if on cue, Mokuba asked, "Come with?"
I gazed at him wildly. Could he somehow have peered into my soul and read the secret pages of its diary?
Impossible. I told myself. That's so far-fetched that I can't believe I—
Small hands cupped my cheeks, raising my head to meet the largest Precious Moments-style expression I had ever seen.
"Please?" he begged earnestly, holding my stare, bordering on the edge of tears. "Please, Seto, please?"
I can't, Niisan. I just can't.
Unknowingly, I started to assume my businessman posture. The back straightened. Shoulders became unnaturally squared. Hands curved over the grey buttons, ready to lose themselves in a frenzied fury of rapping. Tenacious tapping. Always with the constant, repetitious, tapping-and then I heard it. The cry of someone whose desires had been isolated for too long. It was the passionate screaming of my own sheltered, secluded personality, longing to bust free from the doldrums I had self-induced. I know what this identity dreamed of. It wished for shooting stars to carry me away on their long, sparkling tails. Its ambitions reached beyond the tangible, corporate crazy world I had invented. It prayed that someway, somehow, I would transcend my shallow, greedy plane to enter into the place my brother was in. The same place that offered him endless joy. The same place that would, if I just gave it a chance, would give me the same delight.
"Because I want to live." I murmured dreamily. "I just want to live."
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Mokuba blink. "What?" he asked, restlessly shifting his weight, his round, cherub face full of questions.
"I want to live." I repeated, my tone more giddy than it had ever been.
"But-"
Pushing my notebook aside, I shot him a mischievous grin.
"Seto?" he queried cautiously. "What's gotten into you?"
"This!" I cried impulsively.
Before he could comprehend my attitude change, he discovered that he was having great difficulty keeping up with me.
"Why though?" sputtered the boy.
Flicking my head in his direction, the wind tossed a sheet of auburn hair out of my sight, allowing me to meet his worried face head-on. "I told you already," I yelled to him, "I want to live, Niisan. I just want to live."
His expression went from appalled to thrilled. I swear I had never witnessed a happier face than his before. I doubt that I ever will again.
"I love you, Seto!" he shouted unexpectedly, enjoying the rarity of the moment. "I love you!"
Sharing a blissful smile with him, we turned our attention to the playground ahead of us, eager to catch in our mouths the Skittle we were sure to catch somewhere over the rainbow.
He's clinging to me again. That energetic, superball brother of mine actually has his arms around my waist, jumping up and down behind me as if I had started a conga line. He's happy, hopping along his own bunny trail, just so pleased with himself that he ambushed me while I was typing on my laptop. I never get used to his childish behavior. Sometimes, I even curse it in my sleep. But, more often than not, I find myself encouraging the immaturity rather than resenting it. That's the real heart of my dreams, where I see him playing tag with me on a bright, green meadow, chasing butterflies and picking wildflowers until the sun joins the moon in a game of hide-and-seek. How lucky he is to be the age he is now, ten years old, young enough to have a breakfast of Skittles and Starburst, climb trees like a little wildcat, use a jungle gym as if he was a great Russian gymnast, and still have enough vitality to run laps in a field until he passes out from lack of breath. That's exactly what I'm so captivated by, his vigor for life, the bottomless reserve of enthusiasm he has for living. I have to admit it, he's everything I want. He's everything I need. He's got everything going for him that I wish I could grow to be. And I wouldn't have it any other way.
A weird thought crosses my mind, one I had only pondered during late night hours at home. What if I could join him?
My fingers hesitate over the keys of my computer. The limbs reflected the surprise that my face refused to show. What could possess me to bring such a ridiculous notion to life? Teenagers don't wonder whether or not they can relive childhood fantasies at recess!
At least the responsible ones don't. my inner voice lectured. They are conscientious workers, striving for goals, trying to reach for the stars, always grasping for something...
Something. What was that something I was looking for? Certainly not the daily grind of interviews, bills, checking accounts, car repair hassles, all those boring, grueling jobs that interfered with-
Another voice replaced the dull, teacher's tone, a glimmer of hope shining into my existence like an angel banishing an evil spirit.
Fun! squealed the self-indulgent nature. Go on! Stop ignoring the boy and let him show you how to breathe, how to live!
My eyes drifted to the light of my life, pulling on the back of my trench coat. Grey threads, barely noticeable against the pearly satin backdrop, fluttered in the breeze. In a matter of minutes, the fabric would let go, creating a hole in yet another one of my tailored sets. I couldn't say that I cared much about that now. At the moment, all I could see was his eyes, those big, beautiful blue eyes begging me to follow him to a candy store, falling into sugary riches that lied somewhere over the rainbow.
Be sensible! ordered the adult side of me. You can't afford to be distracted from your job!
No! He needs to show us what it's like to feel alive again! protested my inner child.
Where's your sanity?
Where's your sense of entertainment?
Don't be so frivolous!
Don't be so stuck up!
You—you juvenile!
Pretentious wannabe!
Finally, the grownup folded. Just a bit, though. Just an itsy-bitsy bit.
Why? whined the dreary tone wearily. Why do you insist upon being such a stubborn pain?
A giggle echoed in my head, a warm, light-hearted sound that was closer to heaven for me than any sermon I've ever heard.
Because I want to live. was the wanton reply that followed the laughter. I want to live, let us live, I just want us to-
Suddenly, almost as if on cue, Mokuba asked, "Come with?"
I gazed at him wildly. Could he somehow have peered into my soul and read the secret pages of its diary?
Impossible. I told myself. That's so far-fetched that I can't believe I—
Small hands cupped my cheeks, raising my head to meet the largest Precious Moments-style expression I had ever seen.
"Please?" he begged earnestly, holding my stare, bordering on the edge of tears. "Please, Seto, please?"
I can't, Niisan. I just can't.
Unknowingly, I started to assume my businessman posture. The back straightened. Shoulders became unnaturally squared. Hands curved over the grey buttons, ready to lose themselves in a frenzied fury of rapping. Tenacious tapping. Always with the constant, repetitious, tapping-and then I heard it. The cry of someone whose desires had been isolated for too long. It was the passionate screaming of my own sheltered, secluded personality, longing to bust free from the doldrums I had self-induced. I know what this identity dreamed of. It wished for shooting stars to carry me away on their long, sparkling tails. Its ambitions reached beyond the tangible, corporate crazy world I had invented. It prayed that someway, somehow, I would transcend my shallow, greedy plane to enter into the place my brother was in. The same place that offered him endless joy. The same place that would, if I just gave it a chance, would give me the same delight.
"Because I want to live." I murmured dreamily. "I just want to live."
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Mokuba blink. "What?" he asked, restlessly shifting his weight, his round, cherub face full of questions.
"I want to live." I repeated, my tone more giddy than it had ever been.
"But-"
Pushing my notebook aside, I shot him a mischievous grin.
"Seto?" he queried cautiously. "What's gotten into you?"
"This!" I cried impulsively.
Before he could comprehend my attitude change, he discovered that he was having great difficulty keeping up with me.
"Why though?" sputtered the boy.
Flicking my head in his direction, the wind tossed a sheet of auburn hair out of my sight, allowing me to meet his worried face head-on. "I told you already," I yelled to him, "I want to live, Niisan. I just want to live."
His expression went from appalled to thrilled. I swear I had never witnessed a happier face than his before. I doubt that I ever will again.
"I love you, Seto!" he shouted unexpectedly, enjoying the rarity of the moment. "I love you!"
Sharing a blissful smile with him, we turned our attention to the playground ahead of us, eager to catch in our mouths the Skittle we were sure to catch somewhere over the rainbow.