It's been years. He's not sure how many. You can't keep track of time on an island very well. It was all so much. All the loss and the pain, he couldn't take it anymore. He didn't want it anymore. More than that though, he didn't want them to have it anymore. Felicity and Dig and Roy were too good for him to keep dragging them down.
Now he was back. Because as much as he couldn't take being there, being away was even worse. Because this girl was all he could think about.
He's standing there, straight off the boat, staring at her doorbell. She probably hates him. Or has forgotten about him. Or doesn't live here anymore because she's living in a mansion with stupid Ray Palmer.
But damn it, he's Oliver Queen. He's the Arrow. He has survived worse than Felicity Smoak breaking his heart, again. All he has to do is knock. Then, maybe, he can finally get her voice out his head.
For the past two years, every time there has been a knock at the door she has expected it to be him. Or hoped. Or wanted it to be him. Something like that. Usually, it is just Diggle checking in. Or it's Roy, who comes by for dinner a few times a week. They never talk about Oliver, but she knows he wants to. Sometimes it's Barry, dropping by to let her know he's alive. Every so often, it would be Ray Palmer needing her help with something. But it was never Oliver.
So, her doorbell rings and for the first time in two years, two years, she doesn't think it will be him. She's proud of herself. Maybe she'll get Diggle to go out and get her a burger to celebrate.
She opens the door and there he is. She laughs, hoping to cover the sound of her heart shattering. Oliver is just standing there. Kind of dirty, overgrown facial hair, and a guilty smile. Felicity can't feel her legs. She isn't even sure she's still breathing.
"Hi." Oliver says.
"Hi," he says, just glad to see her. Her hair is pulled up in a tight ponytail. She has changed her glasses since he last saw her.
The first thing she does, besides laughing in his face, is slap him. He isn't sure if the slap or when she laughed at him standing there hurt more. It's probably the laugh.
"Ow," he says.
"Two years," she says. "Two freaking years, and all you have to say is hi?"
"It's rude to jump into excuses before saying hello."
She rolls her eyes as she moves aside to let him through. He tries to make himself as small as possible, crossing his arms over his chest, trying his best to look sorry. He can count the number of times he's been her apartment on one hand. It looks exactly how he remembers it, though.
Felicity moves quickly into her small kitchen and pours herself a large glass of wine. She very pointedly does not ask him if he wants anything. There is a long silence as she takes a big gulp. He doesn't sit, he doesn't even more, he's not sure he should be breathing.
She takes one big sip and sits down on the couch, "So you said something about excuses. Talk."
The wine does not work fast enough.
He is standing there, awkwardly, and not looking directly at her.
"Oliver-" she says, after he doesn't say anything.
"I'm sorry," he says. "For leaving. For everything. I just…."
"You just what? Got scared? Some superhero you are."
He winces. She knows she sounds mean. Maybe she is mean now. It's been years. She's been lonely and bored without him. Once you've hung out with Oliver Queen, everyone else seems dull. She's lost hundreds of hours worrying about whether or not he was even alive. Missing him. It's taken a toll on her. She is not the bumbling the Felicity Smoak he used to know. She is now the seriously pissed off Felicity that will not take his bullshit.
"You're right."
That breaks her. All her previous inner bravado shatters at those words. Oliver is not the type to admit other people are right. Especially not when he has screwed up so royally. She just stares at him and then takes another big gulp of wine.
He takes a deep breath. He has practiced this a hundred times.
"I was scared, Felicity. Everything was going to hell and I couldn't fix it. I couldn't keep people safe. It was getting harder and harder to keep my feelings out of it."
She sets the wine down on the table. Her hand shakes a little, he can tell by the way the wine sloshes around in the glass.
God, he missed her.
"But mostly, I left because I couldn't stop my feelings for you."
She makes some sound between a choke and snort of disbelief. "Oliver, you've got to be kidding me."
Felicity has always been good at blindsiding him. "What?"
"You disappeared, Oliver. For two years. Did you expect me to just be here waiting for you? Granted, I was actually here but—"
"No, that's not what this is about. I didn't think," he pauses to let out a frustrated groan. "I fully expected to come here and not have you waiting. I know you're with Ray—"
"I'm not with Ray."
He is still standing, so it's probably obvious when he starts toward her. He stops himself immediately. Not with Ray. He crosses his arms in front of his chest, physically restraining himself from moving. What he wants to do is kiss her. What he wants to do is promise that he has figured it out. What he wants, more than anything, is her.
"Oh," he finally says. "Well, I still…that isn't what this is about. I need to explain to you why I left."
"Because you were scared. You said that already."
"I was scared of you."
She looks up at him. "Gee, thanks."
Like it wasn't totally obvious that Oliver was scared, like he wasn't the biggest coward she knew. All these things run through her head, like lines of code that are burned in her brain. The reasons she has gone through a million times. Still, him saying it and her knowing it are very different things.
"I'm serious, Felicity." And there it is. That exasperated voice, classic Oliver. That way he tries to keep his cool. God, she missed him.
"You're always serious, Oliver."
"Look, if this is all some big joke to you—"
She actually laughs out loud. She really laughs for the first time in ages, so hard that it hurts. For something so unfunny, she can't stop laughing. Oliver Queen has never, not once, been a joke to her.
"It's just that," she says through her giggles. "You think that I don't already know all this. Like I haven't spent two years thinking all this through. I'm smart, Oliver. Like, really smart. And I'm way better at understanding emotions than you. So, you come in here like I don't already know and it's just hilarious."
"Oh." He finally sits down on a tiny, floral printed, chair. He looks too big to be here.
"What I want to know is, why you came back."
That's the question she needs an answer to. She doesn't care where he's been or what he's been doing. That stuff is easily enough figured out: 1. On some far-away island, probably. 2. Brooding, definitely. All she wants is for him to tell her why he's come back after all this time. Why he's here at her apartment. She wants him to just tell her why.
He smirks. "If you're so smart, how come you haven't figured it out yet?"
For a smart girl, she sure can be clueless. She's got him all figured out, but she still can't see it. She watches him, waiting for him to speak. She wants him to say it.
Well, it's now or never.
"I came back because I missed you," he says. "Because I love you, Felicity."
Her whole body freezes. He can't help but smile. One day, he might tell her all the times he had to practice saying it out loud. But now, he'll just enjoy the speechlessness.
She moves quicker than he's ever seen her go before. Before he can blink, she's in front of him. Felicity grabs his face and really looks at him.
"Your beard is terrible."
Diggle is worried when he finds Felicity's door unlocked. He drops by now and again to make sure she's okay. It's what Oliver would want.
There's no noise from inside the house, just a tiny crack of light shining through slightly open door. He wonders, with an inward sigh, what trouble Felicity has stumbled upon. Sometimes watching after her reminds him of being Oliver's bodyguard.
He pulls his ever-present gun from its holster, and moves quietly through door.
It's a testament to his training that he doesn't laugh or cheer. Oliver Queen and Felicity Smoak are wrapped up in each other, kissing like there's no tomorrow. He didn't think such a disgusting display could make him so happy. But he can't help smiling. Not just because of the twenty bucks Roy and Lyla are going to owe him.
He holsters the gun and makes a slight cough. Oliver breaks away first, muscles tensing in case he needs to fight. Felicity makes a small yelp, her face turning bright red as she realizes they have been caught. Diggle can't remember ever seeing Oliver smile so big before.
"Well it's about time," Diggle says. "Lock your doors, Felicity. Hey, Oliver, welcome home."
And with that Diggle leaves them to their business.