Summary: My tribute to Severus' birthday 2015. Angsty Snarry with happy ending.
Author's note: Wanted to do something nice for one of my favorite fantasy friends. No beta. No native English speaker. I just want to post it in time. So….don't grill me ;)
Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns the wonderful Harry Potter world and its characters. I own just this plot and my own imagination.
Warning: Rated M because I always do that. Oh yeah and boy loves boy. So don't like, don't read.
Le Miserable- or- Harry Birthday Severus.
Severus Snape was miserable. Not that this was something new. But he had still hoped. Severus had never assumed he would survive the war. But he always thought for the slim chance that he did and that the Dark Lord would find his end, when and if- that's when things would get different. He would be happy or at least content. Free of his status of a double spy, free to be the person he liked to be. But no. He had survived, the Dark Lord was gone, but old habits die hard and Severus had bottled up hatred, pain and desperation for such a long period of time, that now he could not feel anything despite it.
Not only had nothing changed for the better it even got worse. And that was entirely Harry-bloody-Potter's fault. Of course.
When the Dark Lord sent for him during the final battle at Hogwarts, Severus knew it meant his death. He had been desperate. Not because of the prospect of dying that was rather freeing, no it was because he failed. Failed to deliver the most important message. Failed to give Potter the information he needed to conquer the Dark Lord.
Severus lay dying on the filthy floor of the Shrieking Shack when the impossible happened: Potter was there, his green eyes – so much like Lily's- starring down at him with something that was different from the hatred and anger Severus had expected. And Severus had let go. Of his memories, his hatred for James Potter's son and his pride. Unashamed he had begged the boy to look at him, so Lily's eyes would be the last thing he would see in his life. But it had not worked. They no longer were Lily's eyes, but Harry's. But it soothed him nevertheless.
Annoyingly they had also been the first thing he saw when he woke up weeks later in the infirmary. Tired, worried but happy green eyes. Eyes that seemed to be happy to see him- Severus.
He couldn't stand it. It made him feel weak, exposed and pitiful. The boy now knew him better than anybody else alive or dead. And it freaked Severus out. That sudden intimacy was too much for him, and as soon as he was able to use his vocal cords again he had reinforced his barriers and told Potter to get lost and mind his own business. Of course the boy had protested. So he had snarled at him to `go fuck himself` something he had never said before to anybody. Potter had always forced emotional reaction out of Severus. The boy had been hurt, Severus could tell for there had been tears shining in his eyes.
Severus body recovered almost fully, his heart however did not. And almost indiscernible Harry Potter had made himself comfortable in that rotten place that was his heart. Because the imbecile boy didn't give up on him. From time to time Harry tried to talk to him, and Severus pushed him away. Severus knew that he was in love and yet again unrequited. Because there wasn't even a slight chance that the boy felt the same. How could he? Severus was ugly, mean and –yeah- old.
He endured the official events to which Potter showed up with Ginerva Weasley. See him kiss her, or hold her hand almost ripped him apart and he made sure to be extra nasty to cover it up. The fact that the relationship did not last wasn't of great relief. Severus knew there would soon be the next pretty girl in the savior's arms. So when Potter ended his Auror carrier to come teach at Hogwarts four years prior, Severus had been sure he would not survive that forced proximity for very long. But he did.
And in a couple of seconds it would be his 55th birthday. No one knew of course. And that was both good and bad. Good because no one bothered him in his misery. Bad because no one bothered him in his misery. Fifty-five. There were so many things he never experienced. A proper kiss. Waking up to somebody he cared for. He never felt Harry's hair under his fingers or Harry's hand in his.
Severus watched the grandfather clock as it chimed the last of twelve chimes- he gripped the glass of fire whiskey in his hand hard and instead of at least wishing himself a happy birthday, Severus Snape just murmured: "World go fuck yourself!"
Then he cried.
…..…ooooo0ooooo….
He awoke the next morning still slumped in his armchair. His neck and back felt sore and stiff and his eyes puffy and icky. He didn't bother changing clothes; he just dragged himself out of his quarters as he was. When he closed the door behind him and his gaze travelled along the opposite wall his jaw dropped.
All over the dungeon wall somebody had painted in large bloody red letters: Happy Birthday Severus. The potion master stared and stared. Hundred questions ran through his mind: Who? When? Why? WHO? At least the how could be answered. It was magical paint- no one other than the addressee and the addresser could see it.
Hesitantly he started to walk towards the stairs that connected the dungeons with the ground level. And there on the first step was another message: I wish you the happiest of days. And a few steps above: Full of sunshine. And above: Full of laughter. And on the last steps there was another message: Not too many exploding cauldrons. Severus almost chuckled. Almost.
When he entered the Great Hall he gasped. Every surface on his way to the head table was painted. Flowers and animals. Gemstones and herbs. Only at second sight he recognized that all of these without exception could be used as potion ingredients. Severus was stunned. Someone had spent the whole night painting the castle for him- and him alone for nobody else could see the work of art.
He felt like his head was wrapped in cotton and his legs felt shaky. He stalked to his seat at the head table and sat down. Potter was already in his seat next to Severus'. Nodding courtly at the man like he had come to do after Severus made it crystal clear that even a 'Good Morning' was out of place when directed at the Potions Master. Severus didn't react at all he was drawn in by the message that was scrabbled right above his plate: You look so beautiful today, Severus.
Even though it was of course not true it felt so good. A warm wonderful feeling started to grow inside him. He didn't want it to be a cruel joke. He wanted it to be true. He wanted to know who and why. Severus completely missed the hopeful gaze and the almost sharp intake of breath beside him when a smile formed on the Potions Master's lips- a smile he wasn't even aware of smiling.
The students of Hogwarts thought that something was seriously wrong with their Professor. Severus Snape was never distracted and he never ever zoomed out before. But this day he did both. What the students didn't know as they sat in the Potions classroom: They were surrounded by secret messages. The one on his desk Severus was recently eying read: Just ignore them. It was accompanied by a helpful little arrow towards the students. Everywhere he went to in the castle the messages were already there. Many of them just reading: Hi Severus or I am thinking of you Severus. But they were like friends popping out their heads from the crowd and waving at him. Severus probably smiled more than in the last twenty years put together and when he walked back to his quarters in the night he felt so- so…light. Yes. Light.
Severus reached his door where he could see what he hadn't in the morning. Here too the message writer had left something, a single word this time: Excited?
How could a single word create so much feeling? Severus' stomach knot and unknot. His heartbeat tripled and his skin began to prickle. With a feeling of falling he entered his quarters and his eyes scanned the room quickly.
On the coffee table. His legs moved on their own accord. This time the message was written on a piece of parchment. Like the notes on the walls it was in an elegant handwriting, Severus didn't recognize.
Who am I? To find out go into your bedroom.
Severus gulped and his gaze flickered to the door. Was there someone behind it? Did he want to find out? Slowly he moved towards the room. The bedroom was empty of course. But on the covers of the bed lay another message. And it was the longest so far:
Who I am is what I gave
What I gave you deserve
What you deserve is what I want
What I want is who you are.
Find me at the room that is a forest.
The hand holding the parchment shook. Severus took a deep breath. He had never gotten such a letter. A riddle. A poem. It was awfully written though, but somehow that did not anger him. The meaning of it all was easy to grasp, but the problem was it didn't solve any riddles. Just created more. Find me at the room that is a forest. That much was clear though. That had to be Firenze's classroom. Was the message writer waiting there for him or was it just the next part of the riddle? Despite the fact that Severus was telling himself that he did not care he quickly cast a cleansing charm over himself and ventured out of his chambers and towards the divination classroom.
Severus paused in front of the door and took a deep breath. He could just go and leave it all alone. But to be perfectly honest today had been so…so grand and he quickly got addicted. He wanted to know and he wanted more. So he opened the door. The first thing he noticed where how bright the transfigured stars shone. The second that there was another person in the room who sat on a small rock right opposite the door.
Harry.
Severus initial reaction was disappointment and humiliation. It had just been a cruel joke. But then he saw Harry's face and Severus was astonished to see fear, doubt, longing, hope. And it all fell into place. It was no joke. Harry was here for him.
Harry smiled shyly and shrugged slightly: "Ahm…yeah. Hi. I- I had a speech and everything but- It's me. So…" Harry stopped his rambling to look at Severus who did not say a word just stared. Harry gulped and looked very much like the seventeen year old boy and not like his mid-thirty self.
"Okay how shocked are you?" Harry tried again. Severus cleared his throat and answered a bit raspy:" Very much so."
Harry cringed. "Positive or negative?" Severus looked at him thoughtfully.
"That depends on what exactly you want from me. I would suggest you collect your thoughts and tell me." Harry nodded and stood. He took a dramatic deep breath.
"I am in love with you I want to be with you." Harry said blushing. Severus' heart jumped.
"Just like that?" He whispered.
"Just like that." Harry confirmed. Severus met his eyes and his indifferent mask crumbled and he sighed.
"Oh, Harry-" He had wanted to list the reasons why he wasn't good for Harry, but that one softly spoken sign of weakness of longing had been enough confirmation for Harry Potter because he threw himself at Severus and flung his arms around the man's neck.
He hesitated only for a moment then he closed the remaining gap between them and lightly, tenderly brushed his lips over the older man's. Severus stood completely frozen for a moment then with a low cry of surrender he wrapped his arms around Harry's waist and kissed him back fiercely and bruising. Tasting him. He was kissing Harry. And he felt Harry's hair on his own face. Tomorrow Severus would hopefully wake up beside him and perhaps just perhaps there would be enough times to hold Harry's hand.
Harry broke the kiss and pressed his cheek against Severus'. His lips grazed Severus' earlobe and he whispered:
"Happy Birthday Severus"
Severus just buried his face into Harry's shoulder and let himself be held. For once.
AN: Thanks for reading. This story got many (for me) clicks. Also a few people added it to their favorites. Thanks so much! I really appreciate it. If someone is interested in Harry's and Sev's first time together ;) don't hesitate to PM me or leave a short review.