The Thin Line Between Love and Hate

                   Part One    

The foolish games that I play,

Now seem to have caught up with me.

I never thought that I would end up

Playing the fool for all to see.

So proud and yet so unsure,

Never knowing just how I feel.

Always saying the wrong things,

And never knowing how to deal.

And yet here I sit watching you.

Unable to explain the feeling inside.

What is it about you,

That makes me want to run and hide?

Is it the way that you move?

The way that you speak?

The way that you touch me inside,

That makes me want to freak?

I cover my feelings with those of hatred,

But really all I want is for you to smile.

A smile that is for no one but me.

I try but I am always met with denial.

So instead I try and hurt you,

To make you feel something for me if only pain.

And that makes it better for a while,

But then I realize that what I'm doing is insane.

I can't seem to stop though,

No matter how hard I try.

I just keep on hurting you,

And making you cry.

The fact that you cry is one that I know.

Even though I have never seen it,

You try and hide it but I know.

It's something that you would never admit.

Even now as I watch you,

I can see your pride.

And sometimes I wonder if you don't know,

What it is that you do to me inside.

It makes me angry that you can do this to me,

Without even trying.

And the only thing that will make me feel better,

Is to watch you leave crying.

There I have done it,

I have done the bitter deed.

But even as I beat you,

I wanted to spill my seed.

I never quite succeeded in making you cry,

But you left just the same.

And now I'm feeling empty.

And very ashamed.

But what can I do?

It's not fair that I have to feel this way.

When you are near all I feel is anger,

But when you leave I feel dismay.

Why can't you like me?

Why can't you be my friend?

Why can't I just tell you?

And let that be the end.

It always ends the same way,

And it's always shameful.

You going home hating me,

And me so hard it's painful.

I don't understand it I don't think that I'm gay.

I tried being with another man.

But I ended up beating the crap out of him,

I guess no one can turn me on like you can.

The same goes for girls too,

Even though I completed the act,

The only way I could was to think of you.

And that's a very sad fact.

She reminded me of you,

With her dark hair and gray-blue eyes.

She was your height too,

But boyish for her size.

I went back to my room that night,

Feeling better than I have in a long time.

I killed her with my lovemaking,

But I ask myself if that was such a crime.

In my heart and mind I know she wasn't you.

You would have been able to survive.

You could have handled all of me.

You and only you could have walked away alive.

So here it is, the reason I stay,

When I know that I'm not wanted.

And it is in my pursuit of you,

That I will remain undaunted.

Maybe someday I will be able to tell you the truth.

To tell you about these feelings that are killing me.

And maybe you will be able to forgive and forget.

And then and only then can I be free.

Free to forget all the torture and pain.

Free to forget all the despair and loneliness.

Free to show you how much I truly love you.

Free to revel in happiness.

I've given up all hope now.

I've resigned myself to fate.

Doomed to walk the thin line,

Between love and hate.

Author whining: well here it is. …Don't know how good it is or isn't as the case may be. Feel free to leave comments and praise, which will be held in the highest regards, flames will be used as cannon fodder.

Zen