Author : Nemainfothewater

Title : Top Gear does Orson Wells

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. I seriously don't. I mean, I own even less than usual. That is to say nothing at all.

"Somehow," says James May, "I just know that this is your fault Clarkson."

"Oh come on!" Jeremy protests, "I mean, even if I knew how, why the hell would I transform myself into an orang-utan?"

"I dunno mate," says Hammond cheerfully, taking a break from where he's been running in frantic circles, "I can't see much difference. Grumpy, and likes to scratch his own balls. If we shaved you, nobody'd be able to tell it wasn't you."

"Oh shut up," retorts Clarkson, "At least my one goal in life isn't to find an exercise wheel in which to pointlessly spin around, and around, and around in. "

"You're just jealous."

And Hammond actually has the nerve to scurry up Clarkson's arm, until he's perched precariously on his head, where he does a twitchy head nod thing that might be constituted as a wave to where May is sitting, looking disdainfully down at them from his perch on top of a parking meter.

"I mean, I'm basically a cute bundle of fur, so not much has changed there, and James gets to be this symbol of wisdom and stuff, but you, you're basically an animal whose defining feature is flinging its own poo around."

Clarkson shakes his head irritably, knocking Hammond to the ground. Not that he minds, and he tries to scurry up the parking meter, despite failing numerous times.

"I think you'll find that many people find that cool," he replies heatedly, "And I can do something interesting that doesn't include throwing up my own meals."

May manages to look even more supercilious than before, and mere turns his head a full 360 degrees.

"…Fine, you win," says Clarkson sulkily, "But you have to admit that I'm definitely more interesting than a bloody hamster!"

And with that pronouncement, he sits himself on the ground with a thump.

"EEEKKK!" says Hammond.

"Clarkson you utter cock!" shrieks May, "You've sat on Hammond!"

He swoops down, and gently cradles the small hamster in his claws. Luckily he wasn't that squished, and indeed only seemed to be slightly dazed.

"Aren't you meant to be his natural predator or something? Or would be if he wasn't utterly useless at being anything but a pre-pubescent girl's birthday gift, one that'll eventually get eaten by the cat?"

May stared at Clarkson in a way that only owls really could, with his large unblinking eyes, but also with a tinge of May's patented 'you're an idiot, and I'm not sure why I put up with you, because the money's not that good' look.

"Unlike some people, I haven't succumbed to my animal instincts. Mind you, you've been an ape for years, so I suppose it isn't much of a stretch for you."

"Oh yes?" says Clarkson, lunging forward suddenly, and knocking Hammond out of May's claws. He then leans down and shouts, "RUN Hammond, RUN!" straight into his ear.

Hammond, a little confused does so.

"Damn it Clarkson you idiot!" May cries, and then takes off after him, centuries of predatory habits overwhelming him.

Clarkson just laughs. Neither of his co-presenters have worked out that he's the only one with opposable thumbs, and therefore the only one still able to drive a car.

It really is amazing what you can find on the internet.