you won't be mine

Disclaimer: Lyrics written by the wonderfully multi-talented Rob Thomas of matchbox twenty.

Dedication: Once again, this is for Gorgeous B. (aka 'my clone' – weird, isn't it?)

you won't be mine

take your head around the world
see what you get
from your mind
write your soul down word for word
see who's your friend
who is kind
it's almost like a disease
I know soon you will be

I love kids, I really do, but the thought of being a father never really crossed my mind. I figured that in a few years time, maybe when I'm seeing less action in the ring and more in the bedroom, it would happen and I would welcome a baby into my life. A baby, a wife – a family.

But it's actually here, now. A family. My family. A little baby boy, the most beautiful baby in the world. And I'm not just saying that because he's ours. He is truly gorgeous. He's the toast of the WWF. Nobody can get enough of him, and I'm probably the proudest father you'll find anywhere in the world at the moment. The second I laid eyes on him, I fell in love with him.

We named him Alexander Michael Helmsley.

over the lies, you'll be strong
you'll be rich in love and you will carry on
but no – oh no
no you won't be mine

I watch the 'happy family', and it's a bittersweet feeling. They are sitting closely together on the couch, with the baby cradled in her arms. She's a natural mother, and it shows. I've never seen her quite so radiant and happy as when she's holding her baby boy. And he truly is gorgeous. He gets it from his mother.

But it's hard, because now she really is his wife. She had told me about her pregnancy a couple of months after she found out, and my first feeling had been of intense joy. All I could think of was 'We're having a baby!'. And then I panicked, thinking 'We're having a baby!'.

What she told me next hurt the most. It wasn't mine. It was his. And now that they had a baby together, she was also his.

I love her. Those few short months we had together, I'll never forget it. I'll never forget her.

I love her. But she was never mine.

take your straight line for a curve
make it stretch, the same old line
try to find if it was worth what you spent
why you're guilty for the way
you're feeling now
it's almost like being free
and I know soon you will be

I'm a mother. And I love it. It's the most incredible feeling in the world, and I'm not sure it's possible for me to come down from the high I've been on ever since I gave birth. Well, yet. I'm sure I'll probably be cursing motherhood the second Alex enters puberty. But that's for later.

As for now… Now, I'm enjoying every second I spend with him. And with my husband. He calls it our baby. Not my baby, or your baby, but our baby. Always. Although it's not surprising, he's an amazing father. If there is someone who spoils Alex more than me, it's him. And not just with presents, but with time and love. We have put aside at least two hours everyday to ourselves, just the three of us. Family time.

I get the sudden feeling of being watched, and I look up. I see him. He catches my eye, but then quickly turns away and walks past.

over the lies, you'll be strong
you'll be rich in love and you will carry on
but no – oh no
no you won't be mine

She gently places Alex in my arms and stands up, saying that she has to go to the toilet. I force a smile, and watch as she walks away. I know where she's going. To him. She wasn't the only one that noticed someone was watching us.

It hurts. When we became a family, the two of us grew even closer. For awhile I was under the impression that we could work things out, that we could be 'real' husband and wife. And I found myself looking forward to it. I know she loves me in a way, and having our baby only deepened those feelings. But I'm not the man in her heart.

I love her. Much more than she'll ever know. Probably much more than I'll ever admit.

I love her. But she'll never be mine.

take yourself out to the curb
sit and wait
a fool for life
it's almost like a disease
I know soon you will be

There's a light knock on the door. I look up expectantly, a smile of greeting already on my face. But I freeze. I wasn't expecting her though. Luckily, no one else is around for the moment. Nobody knows, and nobody will ever know.

She smiles at me. 'Hey.'

My heart rate increases. She has that effect on me. 'Hey, yourself.'

'I haven't seen you in awhile.'

I don't know what to say. I do know that it wasn't because of lack of wanting to see her. 'No.'

A pause. 'I wanted to see how you were.'

'I've had better days visiting my dentist.'

She hesitates for a moment. I don't want to hurt her, but I can't help it. I want her to know how much this is killing me. 'Chris-'

'Don't. Just don't, okay. You have a baby now, and he's what's important.'

She gazes at me in silence for the longest time. Then she turns around, and with a final 'Goodbye', she walks away.

over the lies, you'll be strong
you'll be rich in love and you will carry on
but no – oh no
no you won't be mine

I often wonder what would have happened if my marriage to Andrew had eventuated. Would I be where I am now? Would I be a mother now? Would I have still fallen in love with another man? So many questions, and they will never be answered.

Just before I reach the room where my husband and our baby are waiting for me, I stop. I can't help but look towards the direction I had just left. Nobody else ever got to me like he did, and I know that nobody ever will again. But he was a dream. I know that now. And only a few steps away, where I'm heading, is reality.

It was a bitch, really. Out of the billions of people in the world, I managed to find him. My soulmate.

Too bad he isn't mine.

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