He was in my dream last night. I hadn't dreamed of him in so long. His eyes were glowing green, dragging me in, just like they always did. In the dream I think I was in LA at a medical conference with my husband Mike, only Mike wasn't with me when I saw him. I'd been wrapping up my notes from the conference when I walked out into the glaring Southern California sunshine and there he was. He was just sitting there in a rickety folding chair outside, facing the door and staring at me with that depthless green. To say I was shocked to see him would have been an understatement. It had been years since we'd run into each other, and last I'd heard, he'd gotten married and moved out of state. He was thinner than I remembered, looking almost airbrushed, ageless. It turned out he was there for the same conference as Mike, and actually one of the presenters. I'd never remembered him wanting to be a doctor, and without thinking, I blurted out, "Why are you here?" He looked slightly offended and rolled his eyes at me before saying, "Because I'm on the panel." I felt the need to explain myself, saying, "It's just that I never knew you were into medicine." He hadn't been. He'd been a musician all those years ago. Who knew he'd become a doctor? I hadn't meant to insinuate he wasn't capable. He shrugged at me as a few other people started filtering in, and I left him to walk along the concrete concourse that ran along the beach.
The sun was a brilliant bright white, and made a stark contrast to the dark palms lining the path. As I made my way past the joggers and rollerbladers, I pondered where he'd been and what had caused him to become such a different man from the one I knew. The one I'd loved. And his eyes, good lord they hadn't changed a bit. I could get lost in them forever. Why was he here? Why now, after all this time? And why at Mike's conference of all things? I thought with a bit of surprise how I didn't feel what I might have once expected to feel from such an encounter. That was good. I loved Mike. I certainly didn't need any ghosts from the past needling their way back into my heart and messing up my life. I just felt a stillness, and I focused on that as I kept walking.
Sometime later in the dream, he came after me. He came to talk to me, to catch up. I couldn't remember what we talked about, other than my brief apology for insulting him and his quick explanation of how he came to be where he was. And suddenly things were easy. Easy and light and free, like I hadn't felt in years. I felt alive, on fire. There were other people there and he was playing with them in the waves, just laughing and splashing with them, and maybe putting on a bit of a show for me? Then I was laughing along with him. It was a deep, joyful, freeing laugh. And that's when I felt it…the heart strings began their tugging, pulling at my long unfelt repressed yearning for him. It was making me feel love for him again, making me want to be with him again. There was the beginning of a twinge of guilt beneath it all, and then my alarm went off, pulling me out of the sick joy.
I woke up in a cold sweat, confused and alone. Mike really was in a conference in LA. Perhaps that's what spurred my subconscious into toying with me so cruelly. What was it trying to tell me? Perhaps it was that although I thought I was long over him, no matter what had since eclipsed the love I once felt for him, it would always lie latent in my heart. The dream had felt like the beginning of something, like the beginning of the end? It was like the tugging was pulling me down onto the precipice of an abyss that I both wanted with an ache I hadn't felt in years, and feared with an equal intensity. I feared it because of the pain it would cause the man who actually was in my life. But there was no denying it, and I realized then that I answered my own question. He would always be there holding the strings to my heart, and I knew without a doubt that if he really were to walk back into my life I would be powerless to walk away. Even now, after all these years I still loved him. I would always love him. Forever.