Title:Standing Still
Fandom:Torchwood
Prompt: 'Fear of the Fall' from 500 prompts
Rating:PG-13
Disclaimer: Don't own Torchwood, or Alice Through the Looking Glass.
Summary: Ianto's thoughts right before the kiss in 'To the Last Man'.
Standing Still
"I… know you get lonely."
Yes, I know you get lonely, because I see the same feelings reflected in my own eyes when I look in the mirror. Is it just this loneliness that draws me to you? Or is there more to it? Sometimes I think I might feel more for you beyond the pulse of desire in my pelvis when I look at you. But then I think that what I feel for you is nothing like what I felt for Lisa, so how can it be the same?
I've never been good at expressing, or even understanding, my own emotions. How can I know what you feel so easily, when I can't figure out how I feel at all.
I was hurt when you left, I know that much. But was it because I thought you cared about me and then felt abandoned? Was it because you are my captain and you deserted us? Was it because I'm in love with you and can't bear to be apart from you?
Owen would say I was pathetically in love because I'm so needy and desperate. Tosh would say I am enamoured and devoted because Jack is a hero. Gwen would say I'm sweet but foolish. Lisa would say I'm too loyal for my own good.
What would I say? What would you say?
I have no idea.
"Going home wouldn't fix that. Being here, I've seen things I never dreamt I'd see. Loved people I never would have known if I'd just stayed where I was."
You have loved and lost before, I know that. So have I. Lisa, my mum, my dad, all my friends at Torchwood One.
We're a right pair.
"And I wouldn't change that for the world."
What does that mean? You're looking right at me when you speak. Does that mean you're trying to tell me how you feel without saying it? Are you trying to say you love me? No, that can't be. You don't love me. You can't possibly.
Messing with my head again, you must be.
But you look sincere.
Could you really want more from me beyond my arse and cock?
I would never dare think it before. Safer to imagine this was just a physical thing.
Except…
Except it was never just physical with you. Always there was some sort of emotion. A spark of affection and joy, as if you can appreciate the here and now in a way I cannot. You can exist now, while I am running from the past and pushing away the future. I'm unable to stand still, jogging in place while you can just stand there and smile at me.
I suddenly recall a line from Alice Through the Looking Glass.
"It takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as that!"
I'm not even sure why that occurs to me, but it seems important now. But I don't want to run anymore. I'm sick of running.
I want to stand still.
Maybe if I cling to you I'll be able to stand still for a while.
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Night's Darkness