Jack's Return

Aranel; 2004

Chapter I

Elizabeth Swann surveyed the sleeping figure sprawled on his stomach in the hay of the stable. He appeared to be of an uncultured sort; his clothes and hair were ragged, and he wore a few beads and small medallions on a crimson scarf tied about his head. She thought he looked familiar, but couldn't be certain. A nocturnal instinct roused the man and he stirred from his repose and turned over, squinting up at Elizabeth groggily.

She recognized him at once. "Jack!" she gasped, laughing suddenly.

"By the code," said Jack, yawning. He quickly donned his famous tri-cornered hat. "If it isn't Elizabeth darling! Fancy dress. The whelp's been takin' care of you, I see."

"What are you doing here, Jack?" said Elizabeth, unable to contain her surprise. "I would have thought that since the last time—"

"Well," began the swashbuckling pirate, holding up a finger to stop her, "I thought I'd like to visit me old mate, your fiancé that is. And what could be a more opportune and appropriate moment than his wedding, aye? And things were getting right nasty on the Pearl, what with that creep losing his eye every fifteen seconds and all. I needed a…diversion."

"You're on time," said Elizabeth. "The wedding's tonight." She watched Jack as he staggered to his feet and briskly whisked the straw off his mud-encrusted clothes. "Why did you sleep in the stable? It isn't as if we wouldn't have let you in if you'd knocked."

"Ah, that's alright," said Jack, still swiping at his clothes. "I didn't want to bother you and the whelp— I mean Will. Besides, I'd rather taken a liking to the donkey. Fantastic company!"

"You took a great risk in coming," pointed out Elizabeth. She was clearly astonished at Jack's incongruent behavior: going so much out of his way (and risking his neck) to attend a wedding, of all things. "You mustn't be seen."

"Right you are, darling," said Jack, gesturing with an index finger, as he often did. "And on that note, where's your fiancé?"

"Will! Will!" exulted Elizabeth, fairly flying through the shop door, her slender hands grasping her long gown to prevent herself from tripping as she ran. "Will, guess who is here!"

Will looked up from the ornate rapier he had been polishing. "Who?" he guessed playfully. "The Pope from Rome?"

"Even better," said Jack, entering the doorway, "though not so good at rattling off the benediction or sprinkling holy water. Captain Jack Sparrow, at your service," he said with a bow and a flourish.

Will stood up quickly from his stool and set the sword on the cluttered workbench, grunting in amusement. "Why, you old scoundrel," he said, a look of mingled wonder and happiness in his deep brown eyes. "What are you doing here?" He hurriedly stepped forward and pulled Jack inside, shutting the door. "If you're caught—. I don't want to have to plan another elaborate rescue attempt. Once was enough."

"In answer to your first question," said Jack, lightly pushing Will's hand from his wrist and taking a step back, "I came for your wedding. Oh, and I resent the part about me being a scoundrel. I prefer 'distinguished pirate captain'. Give it some importance!"

"That's uncommonly kind of you to attend our wedding," said Will, quite pleased, but trying to hide it.

"What?" said Jack, feigning shock. "Don't predict me. Like I said once before (slightly modified, but still matchlessly effective): I'm unpredictable. And you can always trust an unpredictable man to be unpredictable. Predictably, it's the predictable ones you've got to watch out for, because you can never predict when they're going to do something incredibly…unpredictable." Quick as a flash, he reached down and pulled the thick woolen rug out from under Will, who subsequently fell backward on his rear. Elizabeth put her hand to her mouth, trying to stifle a giggle. Jack continued. "Like that. Tisk, tisk… You should have seen that coming. Honestly, dear William."

Will laughed good-naturedly and got to his feet, rubbing his sore backside. "I see. Well then, thank-you. I am happy to be proven wrong. And yes, you are very unpredictable."

"Right, so don't try to predict me." He dropped the rug and tried to smooth it out with his boot. It wouldn't smooth out that easily. "Ahhh… bloody." He gave up. "So… why are we just standing here? We ought to be celebrating your wedding!"

"All right," said Will. "Any suggestions?"

"Just the thing, mate," said Jack. "Break out the rum!"

"I'm sorry, Jack," apologized Will. "I had rum, but Elizabeth—"

"—disposed of it, I know," finished Jack, crestfallen. He mimicked Elizabeth's voice. " 'It's a vile drink, which turns even the most respectable men into complete scoundrels!' "

Will glanced at Elizabeth strangely.

Jack continued. "I do hope, dear William, that you realize you are being joined in holy matrimony with Rum Public Enemy No. 1. It's bloody unfortunate really."

"How are we going to get him into the wedding unnoticed?" Elizabeth pondered to Will with a whisper.

Jack slept soundly against the shop wall, having just consumed two entire bottles of old brandy that Will's employer had donated to a nearby dusty shelf. After making a toast to Will and his fiancée, Jack had, without stopping, gulped down an entire bottle of brandy, claiming it lacking compared to rum, yet still palatable. After this, he downed the other bottle and fell into a drunken repose, leaning against the wall.

"He could wear a disguise," suggested Will.

Elizabeth stared at him, thinking. "Hmmm… The only thing that would work would be… Yes, it's possible. He might go as a friend of yours from somewhere, kind of 'upper-crust,' " said Elizabeth, her eyes wandering to the snoring pirate. "All the fancy frills and curls would definitely weaken recognition possibilities."

"Unless the Commodore is in attendance," Will pointed out. "He's not one to fall for disguises."

"Right," said Elizabeth. "We'll just have to hope that he's not. I know he was invited, but I'd think he'd still be feeling snubbed about his…suit of marriage with me that went cold. He probably won't come."

"Let's hope not, for Jack's sake. Elizabeth, do you think we should risk it?" Will was having second thoughts. He certainly didn't want Jack in any danger on their account. But he knew that Jack had obviously made up his mind to attend, so who was he to interfere?

"Alright, Will," Elizabeth said, pointing at Jack, "imagine him in one of my father's wigs, a frilled waistcoat, glasses, and no eye-paint. I can get what we need from my father before the wedding tonight. How about that?"

"Worth a try," said Will. "You best go now. The wedding is in two hours."

Elizabeth got up and tip-toed to the oaken door, put a hand on the latch, and looked back.

Will knelt down beside Jack and met eyes with Elizabeth. He smiled and looked down again at the pirate. "I hadn't chosen a best man," he mused. "But now, I think I've found one."

"That's fine with me," responded Elizabeth, turning the door latch. "As long as he isn't caught and spoils the wedding."

Will laughed. "Spoiling the wedding would be the least of my worries. As long as we got to 'you may kiss the bride' beforehand."

"So, what's happenin', Will ol' mate?" asked Jack with slurred speech. "Didn't miss anything exciting while I was asleep, did I?"

Will shook his head "no."

Jack leisurely pulled himself to his feet, using the wall for support. As he stepped away from it, he lost his balance and nearly sprawled headlong, but righted himself in time. "Bloody whiskey gives a good kick," he stated, swaying groggily.

"It was brandy," corrected Will, setting a finished sword on a low wooden stanchion by the worktable.

"Where's Miss Swan gotten to?" asked Jack, regaining some sense of location. Will told him where she had gone. "I have to wear a disguise?" questioned Jack skeptically. "Ooo, I love disguises! Who do I get to be?"

"A wealthy relative of mine from England," replied Will, slightly amused.

"Don't mind the 'wealthy' part, but a relative of yours?" Jack questioned. "Me related to the whelp? Implausible and extremely disturbing. But, as it is your wedding night, let's go with that, shall we? Later, we can just pretend it never happened."

Will nodded. "Alright. Fair is fair. But I have another request. Would you object to being my best man?"

"Me the whelp's relative and best man?" said Jack. "Isn't that going a bit far? Speaking realistically and with little to no jocularity? However, just for the implicit humor of the situation, I may have to take you up on that ravishing offer, dear William, as long as me crew never hears a whisper of it."

"It's not as if it's you," said Will. "It's your pseudonym and alternate personality for the night. So how about it?"

"Alright, William," said Jack, collapsing back on the straw and leaning against the wall, fingers intertwined behind his head. "I shall be your best man. Only because I'd really hate to see you have to pay somebody else to do it. Only joking." He absently hummed the wedding march. "Why is no one coming in this shop?" he asked finally. "You're open aren't you?"

"The shop is closed today on account of our wedding," answered Will, "which reminds me, Elizabeth should return soon with your get-up or we will miss our wedding."

"Right you are, Will," said Jack. "And not to worry. I'll be the best illustrious pirate captain you could ever desire for a best man. And you only get one, you know. Unless, of course, you divorce and remarry several times. If that were, in fact, the case, you could theoretically have over fifty best men in your lifetime, assuming that the ladies didn't get wise to you after your twenty-fifth divorce and realize it was all a sham to acquire as many best men as possible in your lifetime, a questionable goal, in which case—"

"I understand," Will interrupted, smiling in wonder. "Don't worry; I have faith in you. But you may want to practice your acting for the part. That way, it won't be so easy to identify you."

"What?" asked Jack, surprised. "I have to act? Well, that's all very well and good… but acting isn't exactly my forte."

"Just do your best, Jack," sighed Will. "Try to behave stuffy and non-pirate-like. Act low-key. Alright?" All this sitting about was making him rather sleepy. He wondered if there were time for a quick nap before they departed for the ceremony. He yawned discreetly.

"See, that— that—," said Jack, yawning in reply. "Mr. Turner, now you've really done it. And I just woke from… Ah, blast. I give up." He closed his eyes. "Wake me when your very resourceful fiancée returns."

Presently, Elizabeth arrived, bringing several items of clothing, including a silver wig, draped over her arms. "Sorry about the wait," she said. "You have no idea what I've been through to get all these things! It was easy enough to get the clothes; I just asked my father for them. He wanted to know why, so I said they were for a visiting friend of yours (true enough). The wig was more difficult. He has only two: The one he wears and an extra. I took the extra and hid it under the clothes. Hopefully, he will not recognize it."

Jack sleepily opened a painted eyelid. "Oh, Miss Swann," he said, "you're finally back. I was getting concerned. Need to keep you under wraps." He yawned prodigiously and somehow made it to his feet.

"It's easy!" Elizabeth explained to a dubious Captain Jack Sparrow. "You simply put these stockings on like they were boots, and then you put on the shoes."

Jack doubtfully sat down and deliberately proceeded to don the stockings. "Bloody fancy. Worn by a bigwig," he grumbled. Soon, he was completely dressed in the extravagant clothes borrowed from Governor Swann. He peered abashedly down at his reflection in the donkey's water barrel. "I look like a blasted cream puff," he said. "Will, can't I wear some of yours? This is degrading and slightly painful."

"You look fine," consoled Will, nearly unnoticeably stifling a chuckle. "It helps make your disguise even better; Captain Jack Sparrow would never dream of wearing something like that."

"Then what is he doing in this bloody outfit, I'd like to know?" Jack quipped, but was agreeable. "Just as long as none of my crew sees me like this. First they would laugh. Then they would mutiny. And then I would find myself, once again, the proud captain of a dinghy."

"Now for the face," broke in Elizabeth. "We'll need to wash off your eye paint." She produced a rag and dipped it into the donkey water trough.

"Me eyes, Elizabeth," said Jack, not much for washing.

"We have to wash your entire face," she said.

Jack looked vexed.

"It's alright," said Elizabeth. "You can get as dirty as you like after the wedding."

Jack's face visibly brightened at the thought of escaping from the floury clothes. He felt like an idiot (and who could blame him?).

Elizabeth somehow managed to stuff Jack's entire long, coarse mane underneath the silver wig. Now he felt even more foolish. Elizabeth was going wild, primping and preening and touching his face up with powder. The pirate didn't know how much longer he could stand it. At long last, she pronounced that he was ready.

"And not a moment too soon," said Will, buttoning his own best shirt. "We're expected at the wedding in twenty minutes."

"I am definitely hoping that I'm not discovered," said Jack. "I wouldn't want to be hanged in this ridiculous outfit."

Will nearly rolled his eyes. "You will not be discovered," he said. "That disguise is so good, I can hardly tell it's you."