Alice POV
Oh my god. I swear that list gets longer every time I look at it. These Cullen's are out to get me. Grr… I march angrily over to the new list that has been stuck to the wall with pretty pink tack. I think I might eat the list this time. Or tell them that I can't follow these rules because the Martian law tells me otherwise… Hmm… I stare at it, not really reading it at first. I gawk at the size of it. I HAVE ONE HUNDRED AND FIVE RULES AND FACTS I MUST FOLLOW AND UNDERSTAND?!
I don't think they want me to have fun anymore.
Stupid freaking vampires… I don't even think they're real…
Might do some cloning later… or find Mike Newton… yum.
I scan down the list quickly, reading at supahquickvampyahspeed.
Rules and Facts Alice Must Follow and Understand:
You are to follow these rules, despite what Emmett says
You are not a bunny
Nor are you a pixie
You must not hide in your closet for three days, pretending to be in excruciating pain and then tell everyone you were trying to grow wings
Nor must you hide in anyone's closet, for any reason
Yes, that includes Bella's
Jasper is your husband, not your Barbie or Ken doll
Emmett is not gay, he is happily married to Rosalie
Rosalie is not a lesbian
Either is Edward
You are not allowed to be seen with Emmett in public
You are not allowed to be near Emmett, period
Edward is not Lestat, aka Blondie, from Interview with the Vampire
And you are not Claudia
Sunlight does not hurt you
Neither does garlic
You should not pretend that these things do hurt you
Rosalie is not to be attacked by 'Alice the Glitter Monster'
You are not to be trusted with scissors, after what happened the last time
Bella is now a vampire, you should not try to drink her blood
You are not to imitate drunk cats
Or any type of drunk animal for that matter
Twilight is not the time of day to throw rocks at people
Nor is any time of the day
You are not to play seven day marathons of The Sims 2 Double Deluxe
Edward and Bella are not Sims
Yelling at them to eat food or go to the toilet will not make them do so
Renesmee not a toy, you are not allowed to poke her 24/7
Nessie is not to be worshipped as a god, it makes Edward feel bad
Edward is not a god either, it makes Bella feel jealous
Praying for twelve ours a day will not make the world flood with chocolate
Mojo Jojo is a fictional character from the Powerpuff Girls
You are not to try to convince little kids he's real
You are not Bubbles
Rosalie is not Buttercup
Emmett is not Blossom
You should not stare at Carlisle while he watches porn, it makes him uncomfortable
Talcum power is not be used as a toy rocket
And you can't blame Emmett for 'sperm-ing' up the carpet when you drop glasses of milk
No, Coca Cola does not contain magical powers
Either does hairspray
Stalking Paris Hilton will not make you famous
You mustn't write all the Cullen's cell phone number's in the boy's bathrooms
Playing pirate in the bathtub is not permitted
Mars does not have an outer space parliament
And no, you can't ignore these rules because the Martian law says otherwise
Vampires are real
Jasper is not to be used for super fun time
Because his pelvis hurts for days afterwards
You must not try to count all his battle scars
It makes Jasper feel emo and self conscious
Emmett is not a ballerina
Mike Newton is not a sex toy
Either is Eric Yorkie's Pokemon Manual
You are not permitted to sneak onto private jets and steal celebrities clothing
You are not permitted to steal anyone's clothing
Edward doesn't appreciate it when you try to give Bella 'a good time'.
Toast is human food. It doesn't possess any blood
Broccoli is not Satan
Chocolate is not a life source
Making clones is illegal on all planets
Videoing Edward and Bella having sex then putting it on PornTube is not a good idea, therefore it is forbidden
You may not eat this list
Tampons are not meant for vampires
Sticking a towel in you pants will not make you menstruate
Eating babies will not make you pregnant
Carlisle is not to be made fun of because he sucks his thumb when he's happy
Shooting Edward will only annoy him
Rosalie is not the person to talk to about picking noses
Sneaking up on people and tying them in dental floss is not a turn on
Making Bella draw you naked will not make her a lesbian
The CSI team is not out to get you
Either are the evil fairies
Asylums are not places you leave children during the day
Bella does not have balls
Nor does Rosalie
Nor does Esme
Carlisle won't let you get a bunny, deal with it
Offering to wax Edward's chest is an insult
Trying to give Emmett a bikini wax will only make him giggle, not scream
Tanya is not a witch
Nor does she fly on a broomstick and cackle at night
You are not allowed to prank the Volturi
Speaking with a Texan accent will only make Jasper horny. You are not permitted to speak like that in front of the family or in public.
Blood is red, not blue
Your eyes are not green
Lying about the future only scares people. Don't do it
Dogs don't appreciate it when you try to seductively rape them with hand puppets
Either do the rest of the Cullens
Or the Volturi
Lying on Carlisle's desk naked and smoking pot is not permitted
Hippies are not trying to take over the world
You can't run to Pluto
Making aerosol cans explode in peoples gardens isn't funny
Nessie isn't the Loch Ness Monster
Jacob can't shape shift into a space ship, no matter how hard he tries
Making fun of Jake's gullible-ness isn't permitted at any time
Emos cannot fly
Nor can you
100. Hiding a bucket of KFC in Edward's closet will not attract cooties
101. Singing High School Musical songs is not sexy
102. Edward will kill you if you drool whilst thinking about Bella
103. Emmett is not hot for you
104. Neither is Edward, Carlisle or Bella
105. You are not allowed to add anything more to this list
*Alice gets out a pen anyway adds rule one hundred and six*
106. It is opposite day.