Red Dwarf-
New Friends and Old Enemies
It is another
day in space. The crew are in Starbug's Scanner Room; Dave Lister is eating
while the others are discussing what to do about the supply situation.
Kryten:
We've got back down to the bare minimum Sir.
Cat:
What is the bare minimum?
Lister:
doesn't look up from the foil dishIf it's lichens again, I'm gonna
drown myself in this curry.
Kryten:
Oh no, it's not as bad as that, yet. Besides, what's wrong with my fungal
dishes?
Lister:
Nothing. It's just that you shouldn't get constipation from eating
fibre.
Kryten:
sighing Don't worry; there's enough supplies for the next 6 months.
Cat:
So what're you worryin' for?
Lister:
Surely we can wait for a few months before we worry about the supplies?
Kryten:
Well, Space Core Directive….
Rimmer:
Oh yes Lister, you really should have read your Directive before you joined up.
That way you would know that we have to consider Space Core Directive
571990342, not that you'd understand what it states.
Kryten:
571990342?
Rimmer:
looks smug Yes.
Kryten:
"Any crew member eating a Pot Noodle in the Gourmet Restaurant will be placed
on toilet cleaning duty for seven months"? A very important Directive sir…
Lister:
Too smegging right!
Kryten:
But I fail to see how this corresponds to this situation?
Rimmer:
ignores them No, you're wrong Kryten. I think you'll find that
571990342 states that: "The supply situation aboard any vessel, must be dealt
with before any problems arise."
Kryten:
That's Space Core Directive 571990343 sir.
Rimmer:
still ignoring them Where are we going to get supplies from?
Cat:
If it involves going back in time again, you can forget it.
Kryten:
I agree Sirs, causality is too important to ignore this time.
Cat:
Caus- what? I meant that if I have to wear another one of those brown suits
with matching hat, I will attack someone!
Kryten:
I suggest that we go looking for a desolated ship, so that we can retrieve food
supplies from it. Perhaps we could also gain some some other supplies too.
Lister:
Like what?
Kryten:
Well, some work tools are getting rusty and some kitchen utensils are breaking
as well. Mr Rimmer could do with some backup batteries too.
Cat:
But more importantly, our 'Cluedo' game has run out of those little checklists.
Kryten:
As you can see, we are getting into quite a desperate situation.
They
all agree and start to search for a shipwreck. They are now in the Drive Room.
Cat:
I can smell somethin'.
Kryten:
There's nothing on the scanner, are you sure Sir?
Cat:
Look Bud, my nasal hairs are vibrating faster than a box full of faulty sex
toys.
Kryten:
Ok, I'm not questioning your nasal potential, but there's nothing being read.
Lister:
What does it smell of any way?
Cat:
It's kind of…. Evening airish, with a subtle hint of plum blossom, fish, tomato
ketchup and diesel oil.
Rimmer:
Got new aftershave on have you Listy?
Lister:
No……… sniffs t-shirt neck Errrr, on a completely different subject, I'm
gonna go and have a shower.walks off quickly
Cat:
Hey! It's gone. I wonder what it was?
Rimmer:
At least we know that he does wear aftershave.
Kryten:
looking at his console Mr Cat are you smelling anything now?
Cat:
No. Why?
Kryten:
Because there's an object the size of Barry Manalow's nose heading straight for
us!
Rimmer:
Suggest we take evasive action.
Kryten:
I disagree Sir.
Rimmer:
Why!?
Cat:
Because you're a smeg head.
Rimmer:
How dare you question a senior crewmember. Mutiny! I can have you dismantled
for this.
Kryten:
Don't get on your hologramatical high horse! I was just about to tell you that
the object has disappeared.
Rimmer:
Where?
Kryten:
I don't know Sir.
About
an hour later Kryten is still looking for the object, and a deserted ship.
Lister has finished in the bathroom and enters the drive room. Cat and Rimmer
are somewhere nearby.
Lister:
Found anything?
Kryten:
No. The object has disappeared like a bowl of soup in a hostel.
Lister:
Do you know what it was?
Kryten:
No. The sensors didn't get enough time to analyse it. I can't even tell if it
was alive or not.
Lister:
Don't worry about it man, it's just going to another one of life's mysteries.
Like 'what's the meaning of life?' and 'why do you always spot the spider after
you come out of the bathroom?'
Kryten:
Yes, I suppose you're right Sir. looks up for the first time Is that a
new badge Sir?
Lister:
Hmmm? Oh, yeah. I found it when I got out of the shower. It's quite cool isn't
it? I had to find a back for it though.
Kryten:
Where was it?
Lister:
It was sitting on the side in our sleeping quarters; I'm surprised that I
hadn't seen it before.
Kryten:
Mr Cat, Mr Rimmer, will you come in here please.
Rimmer:
What is it you jumped up fax machine?
Kryten:
Do you recognise Mr Lister's badge?
Both:
No.
Kryten:
I think that we may have found our object.
Cat:
But how's that the huge object you saw? And how come it's in here?
Kryten:
I think that it may be a navigation chart.
Rimmer:
That's what I was going to suggest. A chart for navigating. Kryten you're a
mind reader!
Lister:
A chart for where?
Kryten:
Lets put it into the navicom and find out, shall we?
All:
Ok.
Kryten
put the small disc into his console. He presses a few buttons and a woman's
face appears on the screen.
Rimmer:
A woman!
Lister:
Another human!
Cat:
A date!
Woman:
This is a message from the Discovery Ship "Columbus". My crew are dead. Aboard
we have many supplies and new technologies, which I am willing to trade for my
safe rescue. Co-ordinates are enclosed. The disc you are watching is a homing
device and will take you to my ship, if you wish. Please help me.
Kryten:
Ahh, we can get some supplies now.
Rimmer:
Yes. Supplies. Plot the course Kryten.
Lister:
Yes… we can't have her being alone too long can we?
Cat:
How long is the journey gonna take?
Kryten:
About 4 hours Sirs.
Cat:
WHAT!? 4 hours?! I'm first in the bathroom. gets up quickly
Lister,
Cat and Rimmer are dressed in their finest. They are nearly at the woman's
ship.
Rimmer:
wearing a smart uniform I can't believe that you really expect a woman
like that to fall for either of you. Ridiculous.
Lister:
Why's that then?
Rimmer:
She's obviously got class. She won't be persuaded by your gimpish looks or your
smeg awful tastes in….. everything.
Lister:
I can remember the last time something like this happened.
Kryten:
Really? I can't.
Cat:
Neither can I.
Lister:
It was your ship Kryten. We thought we were going to meet three gorgeous girls.
Instead we saw three very dead skeletons.
Cat:
So?
Lister:
I'm just saying that we shouldn't get our hopes up. Plus, even if she is alive,
she may be another psychotic person who tries to kill us.
Rimmer:
Well, that's better than some of the dates you've been on before, eh Listy!
The
Dwarfers board the ship. It's very quiet and everywhere has been raided. The
guys look down hearted.
Rimmer:
I knew this would happen. There's no one here.
Kryten:
That's not true Sir, I'm reading one life sign.
Lister:
She's alive then?
Kryten:
Someone's alive. Not necessarily her.
They
make their way through the ship, picking up supplies as they go. They come to
the lounge room, which is tidy and clean. The next few rooms are also tidy. The
guys look hopeful.
Cat:
This looks good. She must be around here somewhere.
Rimmer:
calls out Hello? Miss…… miss?
Kryten:
We found the homing disc…. We've come to help.
As
the Dwarfers pass under a doorway and person in a tight red cat suit jumps from
above, landing on Rimmer. She grabs him around the neck and holds a gun to his
head.
Rimmer:
Help.
Woman:
Anyone makes a move and he dies.
Cat:
Really?
Woman:
Yes really!
Cat:
goes to walk forwards Lets move then!
Woman:
Who are you?
Kryten:
We are the crew of the transport vehicle Starbug. We found the homing device
and have come to help.
Woman:
How do I know that I can trust you?
Kryten:
Because, if we wanted to harm you, we wouldn't tell you what I'm about to tell
you.
Woman:
What?
Kryten:
Not only have you jumped on the most cowardly of our group, you have also
jumped onto the hologram. If my weapons chip is correct, that gun will not harm
Mr Rimmer, or his light bee.
Woman:
looks concerned Oh. lets Rimmer go I'll trust you then.
Cat
and Lister point their bazookoids at her. She looks very concerned.
Woman:
I though I could trust you, you bastards.
Lister:
You can trust us, but can we trust you?
Woman:
Ok, then. My name is First Officer Gemma Andersson. I used to live in London
before I joined the Space Core. I have been here for a year or so, but I was
cryogenically frozen before that. My crew are all dead, you can have any
supplies you wish and I have killed 20 people who tried to 'help' me. Oh, and I
haven't eaten any chocolate for 7 months.
Kryten:
Do you have an ident-chip?
Gemma:
Yes. holds her arm out
Kryten:
Gemma Andersson…. 3,000,024……. English……. Rise in aggression as a result of no
caffeine.
Cat
and Lister put their bazookoids down.
Lister:
Well, Gemma, shall we get you back to our ship then?
Gemma:
Sure, I'm bored with this place anyway. Take what you want.
Cat:
You're only talking about supplies aren't you?
Gemma:
Yes.
Cat:
looks at the others So was I! Very unconvincing voice
The
five of them head back on board Starbug. They take off from the planet having
replenished some supplies. Gemma is sitting in the galley eating chocolate.
Empty rappers and more chocolate bars surround her.
Lister:
walks in Hungry?
Gemma:
No. Chocolate. Mine. Eat.
Lister:
Do we have any chocolate left at all?
Gemma:
ignores him and carries on eating
Lister:
Is that it? The last of our chocolaty treats? You've scoffed your way through
it all?
Gemma:
No. There's a few boxes left. Besides, we can raid some off of a deserted ship
when we find one.
Lister:
Raid? How do you know that we're that kind of salvage vessel?
Gemma:
looks Lister up and down, frowns at him I don't know where in the world
I could have got that impression from. If I'm wrong then I apologise.
Lister:
Nice to hear it.
Gemma
stands up and flushes the empty wrappers into space. She turns to look at
Lister.
Lister:
All right all right! Enough with the 3rd degree!!!! We do sometimes
go on board ships and take the bare essentials that are desperately needed for
the normal running of our lives.
Cat:
running in from the drive room Hey, type- writer breath has found a
ship we can hack into! It means we can get some more Mr Men puzzle books for
our games evening!
Gemma
stares at Lister.
Lister:
What?
Gemma:
The bare essentials?
Lister:
goes to say something
Kryten:
from in the drive room Mr Lister Sir…
Lister:
shrugs and goes into drive room What is it Krytie?
Kryten:
A ship.
Gemma:
Class?
Cat:
Unknown.
Gemma:
Crew?
Cat:
Unknown.
Gemma:
Supplies?!
Cat:
Unknown.
Gemma:
What do you bloody know then?
Lister:
From their ident computer I can see they've got the entire collection of
Collin's Encyclopaedia.
Gemma:
And we need these because…?
Kryten:
The scanner room table is a little wobbly and as the encyclopaedias are made
from exceptional paper, we can…
Gemma:
Is that the only reason why we're going there?
Kryten:
No ma'am, our toilet paper is running out and the encyclopaedias are made from
exceptional paper...
Gemma:
OK! No chocolate, no survivors, no weapons, no… no nothing!
Rimmer:
entering and trying to look intelligent Ahh yes, but Space Core
Directive 5519203 must be carried out at all times.
Gemma:
I think you mean 5519202 Rimmer.
Rimmer:
looking a little peeved No, I think you'll find 5519203 is particularly
relevant in this situation.
Gemma:
getting pissed herself Rimmer, 5519202 is what you are thinking of.
Rimmer:
very peeved Look you stupid woman, I am enforcing Space Core Directive
5519203 as the situation is DEMANDING IT!
Gemma:
I fail to see how "Any male crewmember found singing the 'YMCA' in the communal
showers will be discharged without a trial" is at all related to this
situation.
Rimmer:
looks at Kryten who nods back at him
Gemma:
If you weren't so much of a smeg head then you would realise when a senior
crewmember is not only right, but also is wiping your sorry bum so hard in your
own mistake that you can see your face in it! breathes in deeply Now
Kryten, please explain to Rimmer why 5519202 is relevant to this situation and
why he is a smeg head, while I eat the last of the chocolate. walks out
Lister:
I'm in love.
Rimmer:
What does she mean by senior crewmember?
Kryten:
It's true Sirs, Miss Andersson out ranks us all. She's a First Officer with the
Space Core.
Rimmer:
Brilliant. Perfect. Out ranked by a woman.
Lister:
Most women out ranked you back on Red Dwarf.
Rimmer:
Yes, but the thing is with her… the problem is… she's… so damn attractive.
Other
three: WHAT?!?!
Rimmer:
She is!
Lister:
Yeah… but… she'd never go with you.
Rimmer:
Why?
Cat:
You really want an answer?
Rimmer:
Why? What's wrong with me? How do you know that she isn't sophisticated,
intelligent, sexy and… well… brilliant?
Lister:
You've just listed all the reasons why she wouldn't go out with you.
Cat:
She's more likely to go out with curry brain, than with you!
Lister:
What do you mean, "more likely"?
Cat:
When I'M here? I'm irresistible!
Kryten:
Well, she's resisted you so far. I've never understood that saying… maybe it's
because us mechanoids…
Cat:
Shut up keyboard teeth. She'd never go with you, so keep out of this
conversation.
Kryten:
I'll have you know that my designers won the "most attractive head" award the
year they built me. So don't be so quick to assume that just because you have
unfunctionable nipples, she wouldn't go for me.
Rimmer:
All right then… a bet. I bet my Reggie Wilson collection saying that I will not
only get a date, but a kiss on the first meeting.
Lister:
A bet? That would be so degrading for her if she found out.
Cat:
I'm in. One of my suits, on the same bet on ME.
Rimmer:
Just one?
Cat:
Hey hey hey! A big commitment for me.
Rimmer:
Do you think you'll lose then?
Cat:
No. I bet t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t…. t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-w-w-w-…
tw….ttttttttwwwwwwooooo.
Kryten:
Spare heads 2 and 3. With their eyes already inserted.
Lister:
KRYTEN!
Kryten:
You were the one who taught me to break my programming.
Rimmer:
Listie, you'll have to be quick.
Lister:
But it's so degrading for her… my zero-g football poster and my…
Others:
Guitar.
Lister:
No way!
Cat:
Scared you'll lose?
Lister:
Ok. My guitar.
Rimmer:
Sign on the line to make it official. they do so Well gentlemen, happy
hunting!
Gemma
is in her sleeping quarters sewing her new out fit together. Lister enters.
Lister:
Hi.
Gemma:
Hi.
Lister:
trying to look casual What are you doing?
Gemma:
looks up slowly Making a new outfit.
Lister:
Oh. Cool. What are you doing later?
Gemma:
looks suspicious Why?
Lister:
I just wondered if you'd like to come out for a beer with me.
Gemma:
looks amused Don't we do that every night? It's the only thing to do in
a tiny rust bucket like this.
Lister:
looks unsure Yes… but… erm… do you want to make it official?
Gemma:
Lister…
Lister:
Ok then, I'll meet you at 8.00. Don't be too formal; the scanner room isn't
very glamorous is it? Oh, and I'll bring my batman costume if you bring…
yourself!
Lister
disappears around the corner and walks extra-quickly down the corridor. Gemma
remains fixed in her seat, a very puzzled look on her face. Cat goes in to see
her.
Cat:
Hey Officer BB!
Gemma:
still stunned Hey, Cat.
Cat:
How would you like to spend an evening of feline fetish with the most
attractive creature on board the ship?
Gemma:
I…
Cat:
Ooooooooowww! Yeah! See you at 8.00; bring a mirror and a comb! makes a
growling noise in the back of his throat
Cat
disappears off in the same direction as Lister and Gemma looks even more
scared. Rimmer appears in the doorway.
Rimmer:
Hello ma'am.
Gemma:
Oh, hello Rimmer. looks relieved
Rimmer:
walks over to her Well, you certainly are very talented. Your fingers
are very… useful.
Gemma:
Thank you ignores him, as he's Rimmer
Rimmer:
Do you like candles?
Gemma:
suspiciousYes, they're very relaxing.
Rimmer:
Well now I've got that settled I'll see you at 8.00, I'll supply the wine.
Belgium ok? Marvellous.
Gemma:
Huh!?
Rimmer
runs down the corridor and Gemma is left, yet again, looking petrified and
confused. Kryten appears, wearing an unfortunate wig.
Gemma:
KRYTEN! Thank goodness! hugs him
Kryten:
Miss…? Gemma….?
Gemma:
I have just experienced something even scarier than one of Lister's fry-ups.
Kryten:
What? Was there another spider in here? Because I can deal with it, if
you want me to.
Gemma:
No, nothing like that! It's really hard to explain. I don't understand what's
gone on!
Kryten:
Would you like to explain it over dinner? I can cook up a lovely chocolate
cake. I know I'm just a mechanoid, but I can be just as interesting as the
others. I'll see you at 8.00 then.
He
runs off and Gemma looks scared, puzzled, confused and petrified. The men are
in the drive room and Gemma is staying away. They are nearing the wreckage.
Lister:
So… any luck with Gemma? looks smug
Rimmer:
Wouldn't you like to know?
They
all look pleased with themselves and keep the secrets from each other. They
land the ship on the wreckage and all go looking for anything they can salvage.
Kryten:
Sirs, I'm getting a life sign. It's not far from here, but I suggest we move
quickly.
Cat:
What a mess, don't these people ever have any ideas about interior design!
Lister:
It's wreckage; of course it wouldn't look good on the inside.
Kryten:
Yes, but they could make an effort, knowing that someone's going to come and
rescue them. It's courtesy!
They
walk over to a large pile of twisted metal and rubble. A pair of legs are sticking
out of the pile.
Rimmer:
Well, they're obviously dead, so lets go!
Lister:
No! We have to dig him out.
Cat:
With my hands!? No way. I have fine hands; I'm not going to cut them just on
the suspicion that someone's alive. How selfish of some people!
The
others start digging and uncover Ace Rimmer
Rimmer:
Oh yippy! It's my hero.
Ace:
Thanks lads, it was a bit cramped under there and I thought I was going to be
girlie and die. Thanks to you brave guys; I'll live to see another day.
Rimmer:
Oh, vomiteration.
Lister:
What were you doing here?
Ace:
Well, I thought that there was a young woman stranded on this wretched wreck.
So I decided to come and free her. I was lured onto this ship and it collapsed
around me. Luckily I was able to create a makeshift oxygen generator and have
survived for several weeks under thee.
Kryten:
Well done Mr Ace Sir; but lets head back on board Starbug. I'm worried that the
ship might collapse again.
They
head back on board Starbug, Ace is able to walk (despite his twisted ankle) and
Gemma greets them.
Gemma:
Did you find a survivor?
Lister:
Yes, Kryten's taken him to the Medi- Bay.
Gemma:
I'll go and help him.
Gemma
walks into the Medi-Bay and meets Ace. There is an instant 'ping' between them.
Kryten:
Ah, Mr Ace, this is Miss Gemma.
Ace:
Hello.
Gemma:
Hi.
Kryten:
Mr Ace has a twisted ankle and a few cuts, would you mind dealing with him
while I start cooking dinner?
Gemma:
still looking at AceYes. Sure. Fine.
Kryten
exits and goes to cook the dinner for two. Time passes onto 10.30 and the guys
all meet up in the Scanner Room. Lister is there wearing his best pair of jeans
and a t-shirt with only a few stains on. Rimmer comes in wearing an Officer's
uniform.
Rimmer:
Well Lister, what are you dressed up for?
Lister:
Oh… erm… nothing. You?
Rimmer:
I was playing 'Risk', haven't had a chance to change.
Cat
comes in wearing a purple spandex outfit (with matching cod-piece).
Lister:
What is that you're wearing!?
Cat:
It's my new suit.
Kryten
comes in wearing his Tuxedo and he still has the wig on his head.
Kryten:
I've just been shining the silver. I find wigs make excellent shammy leathers.
Rimmer:
And the tux?
Kryten:
Can't I look nice while I do it?
Lister:
We don't have any silver Kryten.
Kryten:
Ok, I've been stood up. By Miss Andersson.
Rimmer:
How sad! Stood up by the only woman alive! You're pathetic Kryten, do you
really think that those bangles and ball-balls would impress her?
Lister:
Stood up as well?
Rimmer:
Yes, so?
Cat:
I was as well. I don't know why, I'm gorgeous and everything any woman would
want.
Lister:
I was stood up too.
Cat:
That's not surprising.
Rimmer:
Well, the question is that if we are all here…
Lister:
And she's not in her room.
Rimmer:
Where is she?
Ace
runs into the kitchen and goes into the fridge. He picks up some squirty cream
and turns around. He starts when he sees them, but does not seem to be
embarrassed about being in his 'Large Love-Truncheon Alert' boxer shorts.
Ace:
Well, hello. Nice night for it isn't it?
He
starts to run off, but returns to the fridge to get some ice cubes. She smiles
at the others and runs off.
All
except Rimmer: What a guy!