The X-file
For Shawne
This isn't a cross-over story – it just came into my mind.
No offence is intended….but then the authors of the book in question didn't intend it either.
If you don't have a sense of humor…STOP HERE! Beyond this line I am not responsible for your reactions.
Starsky dropped the file on Dobey's desk and stared at the "You have to be kidding," he said in a low, even voice. Hutch heard the barely suppressed anger in his partner's voice; Dobey heard it too.
"No Starsky. It is a legitimate complaint from a citizen of Bay City and it is our job…your job…to protect our citizens. And the Chief want you two to deal with it."
"Protect them." Starsky repeated. "Protect them from what, Captain?"
Dobey sighed and glanced at Hutch who made a 'don't ask me to do it' face and leaned back in his chair pressing his fingertips together.
"The complaint is quite clear, Starsky."
"But Cap…. "
"Just get out there and deal with it. Both of you!"
Starsky stood up carefully. "This is bloody ridiculous!"
Hutch followed him out of the room. "Starsky we have to do our job; you know that; suppose this book got into the wrong hands – a kid might read it…the complaint said there are illustrated versions too."
"It's dumb. That's what it is. We are supposed to go and bust a bookshop because it is selling this book because some nut thinks is violent and obscene. Hutch they'll be telling us to burn it next!"
Hutch touched him on the shoulder and Starsky stopped and looked at him. "You're gonna reason with me, right?"
"Maybe; let's go talk about it over a beer."
"No I wanna get this dealt with now."
"OK so where's the bookstore?"
"Santa Monica…some place called Nobes and Barnacle or something like that."
Hutch grinned; he knew Starsky was doing it on purpose and he decided to leave it alone.
___________________________________________________________________
The bookstore was busy and Hutch made his way to the desk. "We need to speak with the manager." Hutch said quietly. He turned to see that Starsky had wandered over to a bookshelf in the fiction section. He was leafing through books and placing some of them in neat piles on a table beside him. Hutch smiled at the clerk, who went to find the manager and, and joined Starsky.
"What are you doing?"
"Well I thought I'd just take this to its logical conclusion Hutch. This pile is the one with people indulging in – uh – intimate behavior."
.
"This is the pile for books with violence. Listen to this: 'he swung a left and his fist made contact with Ben's nose – he heard it crack and saw the blood…' disgusting huh? Sounds like a normal day for us."
Hutch swallowed a giggle
"These, ah these are the worst of the lot….they have what some people call 'adult language' in them…you know saying the kind of thing you and I both say when we're angry…," he lowered his voice, "like I am now." He swore under his breath.
The manager arrived and Hutch explained that they had been sent to investigate a complaint about books on sale in his store.
The manager stared at him.
"You can't be serious officer."
"That's what I said to our Captain, sir." Starsky said quietly, "but you know how it is sir; someone has made a complaint and we are obliged to investigate."
"Are these the books?"
"No sir. These are just books I picked at random to show how dumb this assignment is!"
Hutch shot him a warning look.
"I mean think about it sir. Your clients come in here looking for a good read. They come over here to the fiction section – it isn't marked 'children's books' so what do they expect? Should you maybe have a shelf over here with a notice "careful people have sex in these books." And over here "warning, swearing" and over here "people get beat up in these books or even shot or and sometimes killed. Holy Shit if someone picks up a cop story and doesn't expect a little violence he's in the wrong section!"
The manager looked confused. "If that's how you feel officer, why have you come on this case?"
"Because my Captain told me to. Now where's this book, the complaint said 'gratuitous acts of violence culminating in a gruesome death scene'; where am I going to find it?"
The manager shook his head. "I r-really d-don't know officer."
Hutch suddenly realized what was gong on…"Starsky; maybe we should just drop the subject."
"No; the Chief of Police of this fine county want us to bring in this book that has so offended a member of the public and that is what I'm going to do."
"But Starsk…"
"I know; it isn't meant to be offensive but I have to tell you something Hutch, I kind of understand what the complaint is about, especially the bit about the violence leading to a gruesome death."
He walked into the philosophy section of the store and selected a soberly black bound copy of the book in question. "Let's go Hutch."
He turned to the Manager and winked; "don't worry about it, sir. Your store is just fine the way it is – anyone who wants a book can look at the cover and decide if they want to read it; right?"
Starsky and Hutch walked into the Chief's office and Starsky plunked the book down on his desk.
Hutch said, "we've both read it sir…the complaint is maybe a little overstated, after all it is set a long time ago when things were different."
Starsky grinned. "You've read it too sir."
The Chief of Police picked up the book. He stared at it and scowled up at them.
"You are kidding aren't you?"
"That's what I said sir," Starsky said quietly, "but it's all in there in black and white. The poor guy gets a whipping then he's forced to march for miles with a heavy weight on his back and finally…."
"That's enough Starsky! Write your report and make sure that the person who put in this complaint is told what wasting police time means."
"Yes sir."
Walking back down the corridor Hutch said. "You know put like that it certainly isn't a book you should leave where kids can get at it."
"Suffer little children," Starsky said with a grin.