A hero's stumble

by LoriRose1400

All it took was a memory to awaken the demons' in his mind. To ignite the hunger for punishment. It was the demons' whispered words that made his knife draw his blood. WARNINGS INSIDE! READ THEM!

Hello lovely people. I don't really know where this came from but here it is. For some reason, Adam is alive.

Time frame: After season six.

WARNING! SELF-HARMING AND SUICIDAL THOUGHTS! THIS MEANS BLOOD!

Don't yell at me- you have been warned.

Keep happy and reviewing!

Much love!

…...

When hero's stumble.

Dean Winchester.

Welcome to my worthless life.

Mistreated. Misunderstood. Underestimated. Cast aside. Misplaced. Look can't you see what I'm doing? Ridiculed. Broken down. Used. Forgotten. Sick. Insane. Don't you care what I'm doing to myself?

My feet pounded against the wooden steps, logic was leaving my mind. The past's devious, pointed fingers had a suffocating grip on me. I couldn't shake the guilt the nightmares brought. I could taste death on my tongue. All it had taken was a memory. My brothers' falling away from me, into an endless hell, without me to help. The earth that swallowed them whole and the damned Angel's that tumbled with them.

Michael and Lucifer.

The beings that called themselves Angels. The creatures that ripped my world apart. The younger brother that slaughtered Sam. The older brother that stole Adam.

The wretched, murderous nightmares that left me behind.

I dashed past Bobby, twisting my body effortless out of his reach. Reaching my room, I slammed the door shut, listening to it vibrate the house. Seeking out the dark, I huddled in a corner, allowing the nightmares to flow. Too weak and much too tired to resist. My hands clasped the knife that caused my blood to flow.

"Dean? Are you OK?" My youngest brother's fists beat against the door. I ignored him, tilting my head back against the cold wall. Adam continued to call through the wood, rattling the door handle. "Open the door, Dean! DEAN!"

I pushed his voice aside, blocking it from the part of my mind I was caught in. The darkness pressed on me, feeding the doubts whispering inside me but I didn't want to banish it. I brought my knees to my chest, holding them against me and burying my head in them. Grasping my arms, I felt the slick crimson liquid, coating the skin. A bloodied knife rested beside me, taunting me. I knew what I had done. I wished I could avoid the consequences. Guilt was bubbling inside me, already I could hear my family's disappointed words and angry glares. Logic told me the self-inflicted wounds were wrong, that my family had every right to spit anger fuelled words at me.

You can't deal with the fallout, can you?

…Why did you do it if you can't?...

Imagine what happens when they see Big Brother bleeding from cuts administered by his own hand.

…I'm not Superman…I'm allowed to fall…I just didn't think I'd fall this hard…

"Dean, please! What's wrong with you? Let me in, Dean!" Adam's voice was growing in panic.

"I-I'm fine, Adam." I knew I was falling without wings when the lies began. When the blood kept flowing.

"Bullshit!" He snapped, I flinched against the wall. "Open the door, Dean. I want to help." Suddenly his voice was soothing.

"NO! Go away!"

"Please, Bro. Talk to me."

I let my silence speak for me, let it drill fear and urgency into his head. His hands hit the door harder, shaking the frame and he screamed for me. But I turned away from him, hiding my face in blood stained hands.

Failure. Always second best. Murderer. Demon. Betrayer. Victim. Lover. Brother. Son. Broken. Running. Falling. Screaming in the darkness.

Worthless.

You let your brothers die. You couldn't save them.

I whimpered, protesting weakly against the voices, struggling feebly in their tightening grip. I trembled in the corner of the locked room, cringing against a paint flecking wall. I swallowed past the lump in my throat, feeling the unfamiliar burn of tears. Stubbornly, I pushed them back, snarling at myself.

They don't need you. They'll leave you behind. Watch them. Sam's already leaving you and Adam's two steps behind him.

Pathetic.

You can be replaced. You already have been.

I startled myself when my fingers wrapped around the hilt of the bloodied knife. I brought it to my face, watching as it glistened in the lights flooding in through the window. Dried blood cracked under the fresh, old and faded but still a new scar on my flesh. The first day I had raised this knife against myself had been controlled, one simple slash horizontally across my forearm. Not to kill. Too punish. The blood had seeped away from me and I'd nearly drowned in guilt.

Days slipped into weeks. Weeks became months and the knife has been my constant companion. Always I'd been controlled, calm. Aware of the edge of the knife against my flesh. Able to stop before I slipped out of control.

But today was different. Today I was wild. I wouldn't be able to hide the marks anymore.

Defeated, I hung my head and let the knife slip through shaking fingers. Rage was burning through me, disbelief that I had become this. Anger that the world had caused my fall but hadn't tried to save me. I lashed out at the wall, driving my fist into the plaster, feeling the vibrations shake around me. Pain fizzled through bones and muscle but there wasn't enough in me to care. A sick part of my mind welcomed the pain as payment for mistakes.

Filled with so much hatred.

"Dean! Please, just open the door." I heard the tears in his voice. I wanted to comfort him but couldn't let him see the mess I'd become.

"I can't."

"Why? You're scaring me."

"I'm sorry."

I'm sorry you died.

I'm sorry you're stuck with me.

I'm sorry you're tainted.

I'm sorry I'm so weak.

I'm sorry I'm broken.

I'm sorry for everything.

I surged to my feet as crystal tears escaped my eyes. I stalked across the room, turning my back to the door. It was the antique desk that suffered my wrath. I slammed my body weight into it, sending it crashing to the floor with enough force to jolt the house. Outside Adam begged for me again. Begged for the madness that had taken hold of me to calm. But I didn't listen. I didn't register what I threw next, I heard it shatter against the floor.

"STUPID! WORTHLESS! YOU ALWAYS FAIL! NO WONDER YOU'RE BARELY HANGING ON!" I screamed sentences that punched out of me. "DAD NEVER LOVED YOU! SAM DOESN'T! AFTER LISTENING TO THIS NEITHER DOES ADAM! YOU'RE GONNA CHASE YOUR WHOLE FAMILY AWAY!"

"Stop it! STOP IT! OPEN THE DOOR!" Adam's voice was partially lost to tears.

I wailed in torment, a broken, chilling cry that echoed around me. Crashing to my knees, I sobbed under strangled unrestrained emotions, buckling under the weight. My weeping increased Adam's fear and he struck the door with more power and frantic shouts. My shoulders jerked with the force of the tears, they left me breathless and sore but I couldn't stop.

There's too much. I can't take it.

Oh, God! Make it stop.

Heavy footsteps pounded on carpeted wood. Recognising them, I cringed on the floor, crying harder than before.

"SAM! Oh, Sam, thank God!" Adam's voice was almost breathless with relief but I could still hear the fear and urgency.

"Hey, Adam. What's wrong?" The brotherly concern I heard in Sam's voice was touching and ripped a new flood of tears from me. You almost lost this because of me. "Dean?" Concern was now thrown my way and I stifled my cries with my hands.

"Make him open the door, Sam! He's been in there for hours."

Sam was tugging on the handle, twisting it madly. "What's happened?"

"I don't know. He was fine earlier, then something snapped. Now, he won't calm down. He's been throwing things and screaming. He won't listen to me. Maybe he'll listen to you?"

"Dean, it's Sam. Let me in right now!"

A laugh bubbled from my lips. "Orders not going to work, Sam. I'm nobody's bitch." But the words were wrong and the sound was forced.

"You have to let me in. Please, let me help you."

"I won't! You can't see!"

"I've seen you cry before. Just talk to me man."

"You don't understand."

"Make me. Dean…please…stop scaring us."

"NO!"

Curled tightly on the floor, arms stinging with a thousand wounds past and present, I screamed. Louder than I had done in hell and with more agony than I had when Sam was dying in my arms. My throat was raw and my chest ached when the sound finally faded into silence.

I think I need help!

Sammy, help me. I can't help myself.

The knife. A blessing. A curse. Severed life with just one cut…

Get it away from me! Before I destroy myself!

"DEAN! DEAN! OPEN THE DOOR! OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR!" Sam's hands had joined Adam's in assaulting the wood.

"I…can't…" I moaned pitifully, finding a corner to hide in.

"Adam, get the lock pick. We're breaking in."

Adam's feet retreated and I braced myself for my sibling's reactions.

The handle jiggled and the lock clicked, suddenly my brothers rushed into the room. Someone snapped on the light, flooding the room, blinding me.

And I knew they could see.

I heard them gasp.

The cool hands on my face sent a thrill of shock around me but I shied away from them in shame. Uselessly, I tried to hide my ruined arms but someone caught them gently. The fingers wrapped around my wrists shook and I tried to turn away.

"D-Dean? W-What…?"

Sammy…

"Not so impressive now, am I?" I whispered mockingly. " Not so handsome."

Arms snatched me in them, pressing my head against a chest, shielding me from a world designed to hurt. I recognised the scent and frantic breathing.

A brother returned to me.

"Sammy."

"That's right. What happened, Dean?"

"I happened. Knife."

"You did this?"

"Sam…I've found the knife…" Adam's voice was horrified.

I tensed. "Get it away from me! Sam! Away from me!" I struggled in his arms.

"All right, shh. Get rid of that thing."

Adam hurried away, I caught a glimpse of a pale face and wide eyes. Guilt hammered inside me and I pressed my face to Sam's body. Gentle fingers carded through my hair, seeking to calm the raging doubts inside me.

"Talk to me, Dean."

"Let you die. Both of you. All of you."

"Dean, we've been over this. We're not angry."

I raised faded emerald eyes to his. "But I failed you. I couldn't save you."

"And I couldn't save you."

I shook my head, knowing his argument was invalid and he never stood a chance of saving me. "But I could have saved you. I should have saved Adam."

Adam crept back into the room, first aid kit in hand, he sank down quietly before me. With childlike innocent, he stared into my face.

"You didn't know me, Dean. It's not your job to save us."

"Yes it is! D-Dad made me promise to look out for my brother and that means you Adam. I'm so sorry!"

Adam leant forward, embracing me from the other side, encasing me completely in my brothers' arms. Sam's breath ghosted over my face as my breath hitched and Adam held me tighter.

"We love you, big brother." Adam whispered "You've done nothing wrong."

"But I let you die. I let everyone die."

"You didn't. You fought so hard for us." Sam reassured "What brought this on, Dean?"

"Too much. Got too much and I had to let it go."

"So you picked up a knife?"

I stiffened, a wail of shame and heartache building in my throat. My brothers' grasp became more possessive, their voice mixing together.

"You can't keep doing this, Dean. You'll kill yourself."

Adam tugged gently on my arm, slowly I glanced at him. "Do you want to die?"

Sam stiffened, holding me tighter like he thought he could prevent me slipping away. Adam's eyes didn't leave mine and I felt the pressure on my arm.

Afraid. They're afraid I'll leave them alone.

I loosened one of my arms to hook it around Adam's shoulders and pull him toward me. He offered no resistance and fell against my side, his face finding my neck. I tugged Sam toward me, letting him curl against me. Both sets of eyes stared up at me, desperate for an answer.

"No. I don't want to. I just wanted it to stop."

"Talk to us. Make us understand. We want to help you." Sam instructed.

Adam nodded wildly, pressing his body closer to mine. "Don't you ever hurt yourself again! You're not allowed to, I forbid it!"

I chuckled weakly. "All right, kid. We'll play by your rules."

"You're perfect to us, Dean. We love you." Sam whispered against my neck.

"Don't give up."

"I'll try not too."

Sam took my hand in a gentle grasp, his fingers soothing against torn skin. I watched with intrigued shame as he wiped away the blood and bandaged the bleeding wounds. But there was no disgust in Sam's face and I only saw love in Adam's eyes.

But I failed you.

…Lord, I don't understand…

Sam's breathing was rhythmic, comforting against my side as he worked the pristine bandages. But the blood flowed quickly, saturating and staining the white fabric, even though he'd built up layers. Adam's fingertips were an uncomfortable pressure against my knee, but I had no will to remove them. We were keeping each other grounded, whilst our brother fought with my blood. I sensed the moment Sam's control slipped, felt the catch in his breath. He trembled against me before hiding his face in my neck.

"Don't do that again. You hear me?" He drew back to gaze at my face with piercing eyes

Forgive me, Sam. It wasn't my intention to frighten you.

…Are you strong enough to fight my demons with me?...

Is it right for me to ask for help?

"I sent you both to hell, Sam. How can I just forget?" I mumbled.

"Because of me YOU went to hell."

"For forty years. You were there longer. I broke in four stupid decades." I swallowed thickly against Sam's forehead and his response was instant.

"NO!" He threw his arms around my neck, dislodging Adam with a careless shove. He was raw fear and panic as he clung to me. "No! I won't let you think that. I won't let you leave me behind again. You promised me we'd be OK. Lilith manipulated you. She used you. You were angry and hurt and you knew I wasn't coming. It doesn't matter that you broke. The world's saved. Adam and I, we're safe and it's because you never gave up. It's OK." He pulled away and stared at me with a younger brother's terror. Frightened I was hurt. Terrified I was going to say goodbye.

"Sammy."

"Let's get Dean of the floor, Sam. I'm sure he'd be more comfortable in bed." Adam suggested.

"You're right. Of course. C'mon, Dean."

He climbed to his feet, long limbs uncontrolled, wild but completely my brother. He grasped under my arms, supporting me as I staggered. I felt his fingers find grip on my belt, steadying my swaying when nausea crept up on me. I let him lead me across the room, navigate our way through the mess my fall had created. Adam hovered beside the bed, folding the edge of the blanket down, indicating for me to slip beneath it. I wanted to protest, to fight for my independence but my brothers' were unrelenting and I found myself nestled protectively beneath crisp sheets. Adam clambered on the bed, sitting crossed legged by my feet, his hand grasping my ankles. I jumped slightly when Sam stretched out beside me, throwing his arm over my chest, his chin digging into the hollow of my shoulder.

"I'm OK, Sam. Really." I assured.

"No, you're not." He disagreed. "But you will be."

I nodded silently, holding him closer to me and reaching out one hand to ruffle Adam's hair. He smiled gently and curled up against my legs. I felt Sam's body relax, sleep tugging on his mind, his breath ghosted across my neck.

"I'm sorry.

I lost my way today. Let reality push me too far. I couldn't find my way out. I forgot I wasn't alone.

…I stumbled today…But was caught before I could fall…