Hey Just a quicky I don't own Grey's Anatomy unfortunately especially not McSteamy because if I did Meredith would so ditch Derek for good and get with Mark - MerMark shipper
She sat at the bar, a line of empty shot glasses littered the already crowded bar, a million thoughts whizzing though her head, she had royally screwed up this time, she made a real mess and there was no getting out of it
Before she even opened her mouth another shot appeared in front of her, she gave Joe a grateful look and downed it, the burning sensation in her throat caused her body to give a little shake
She sat quietly musing over the days events and what had led her to be at this bar, alone and so consumed in her thoughts
He'd been leaning against the wall outside the gallery when she'd approached him
'Dr Sloan'
His eyes met hers, she saw the sadness, an emptiness that she knew reflected her own
'What happened in there'
Mark lowered his gaze again, she noticed the shake of his hands as he clasped them together, reaching forward she wrapped them in her own
'I'm not judging you, I have no right too but I'm here for you if you need me'
She felt him pull himself off the wall before linking his fingers with hers
'follow me' his voice was low and gruff but she did exactly what he commanded
Entering her house later that night, very unsteady on her feet, she swayed against the front porch as she struggled with her keys
Falling through the door, she let out a stifled giggle, getting drunk certainly had it's perks
She looked up as she attempted to walk towards the stairs when she saw Izzie and Alex giving her a death glare
'McSteamy rang like a hundred times' Izzie's voice was soft but with a touch of frustration
'He did why did he ring you' Meredith's words were slurred as she tried to hold Izzie's hard gaze
'He said he needed to explain, sounded drunk to me'
'Oh' it was all Meredith could say, all she could muster without revealing her secret
'What did you do Mer' Alex's questioning almost sent Meredith into a fit of giggles
She ignored the question and made her way up the stairs before slamming her door
Slumped on the bed, Meredith wondered why he'd rang, why he needed to explain, hadn't he explained so very clearly before
'Ass' she yelled to no-one in particular
'Where are we going'
He pulled her into a lift and pressed the 'B' for basement, their fingers still interlinked
'Mark'
He squeezed her fingers tightly
They entered the basement and he pulled her to sit on a bed, the beds they used to hide away from all their troubles
She sat next to him and glanced towards him
'I messed up in there Grey'
'Everyone messes up once in their lives, look at me biggest screw up going'
He half smiled at her
'I froze when I should have been on top of my game'
'you're human Mark, human and flawed like the rest of us'
'She could have died'
'But she didn't'
'Meredith'
'She didn't die Mark and it wasn't your fault'
'In New York a similar thing happened, I froze during surgery, suddenly panicked and I can't even remember why, my patient died
'What happened'
'I opened my own practice, I couldn't do the hospital thing again, until I came here, I thought it'd be different here I guess I was wrong'
'You can't keep running away Mark, you need to face this head on, you froze today, why'
She jumped down from the bed and stood in front of him
'I don't know ok, I just suddenly felt not in control, like this was it, this was my life'
'So you're scared what of commitment, your job, family what'
'I don't know I just... it was something she said before the surgery and it hit home, she was over forty, no kids or husband and listing off these regrets'
'So you thought about yourself and you felt...'
'Like I was gonna die one day full of what ifs and alone'
Meredith woke with a start, bloody Tequila, hateful Mark Sloan
Her head was throbbing, she felt the first wave of nausea hit her
She'd been dreaming of him, God she needed help, she needed, what did she need
Meredith jumped up and rushed to the bathroom and threw up
Meredith slumped to the floor next to the toilet, she needed to see him
Pulling herself up Meredith went into her bedroom, found her car keys and made her way out of the house
Minutes later she pulled up outside his hotel, a familiar haunt of hers over the last five months, she knew it well, she also knew Mark was in Room 598
Pushing the hotel door open and made her way to reception
'Miss Grey, he went up about an hour ago, would you like a key so not to disturb him'
'Thanks Maria'
Taking the key, she entered the lift and pressed the '5' button
She found herself outside his room, and she realised she was still in yesterday's clothes and she looked like she'd spent four hours at Joe's drinking
Using her key card to open the door, Meredith entered the hotel room and quietly pushed it shut, he was fast asleep, a bottle of whiskey next to him, taking her place beside him
She walked over to him and lent over and kissed him gently on his left temple
'I'm sorry Mark, I'm so sorry' she kissed him again before climbing onto the bed and snuggling up to his chest, she felt safer here with him like this than she ever had before, and she just hoped she hadn't messed it up completely
'I love you Meredith, I know it wasn't in our rules, but I do love you and if I'm gonna die, I'd rather be alone than not have you in my life'
Meredith just stared at him, a mixture of emotions hit her, he loved her and he wanted her
'Meredith say something please'
'You love me after all we've been through, you still love me'
'Mer I'm not Derek and I don't care that you're not perfect, who is, me, I'm far from perfect'
'But...'
'I know we didn't plan this, I just helped you deal with Derek moving on, and then the pregnancy'
'I really wanted that baby, she...was part of me and us'
'I know'
'We can't work Mark, because...'
'Because you're still in love with Derek, I get it ok'
'No you don't get it, I don't love Derek, I love you, it's you that I love but love isn't enough, that baby was our future, six weeks ago I was pregnant and it was scary, now I'm not pregnant I don't think we have a future because we'll be haunted by our baby, the baby that wasn't meant to be, maybe it wasn't the baby that wasn't meant to be, maybe it was us'
'Mer'
'Addison had an abortion and I had a miscarriage, that's what's really haunting you isn't it, not that you're scared of dying alone, you're scared that something is poisoning everything you love'
'It's poisoning you isn't Mer, you love me but we can't be together'
'No that's not what I meant, I'm terrified of loving you, terrified of what that baby signified, I loved something that was growing inside me, a new life and then one night it was gone I'm the poisonous one, Meredith Grey doesn't get her happy ever after, again'
'what are you more scared of Mer'
'What do you mean'
'Are you scared of letting me in, just in case you get your happy ever after, because shock horror Mer that you're actually happy, maybe you like wallowing in your own misery and self pity, well good luck with that Meredith, good luck being miserable, because when you decide to live for a change I'm not gonna be there to pick you up again
Meredith could only stare at his retreating back as he stormed away
He was her lifeline and he'd taken it away and now she was all alone, she had to deal with their loss and she wasn't sure if she could
When she awoke in the bed she found herself alone, pulling herself up far too quickly, she glanced around and saw him standing by the window
'Baby, I am sorry'
He turned to face her, his face barely readable
Mark- you're sorry
Meredith nodded
Mark- you're sorry
Meredith- I love you
Mark- why are you sorry
Meredith- I didn't deal with it all very well
Mark- I should be the one saying sorry Mer, I had no right saying those things, you are the best thing that ever happened to me
Meredith- it needed saying baby and I'm so sorry for me and for the baby because you're hurting too and I love you
Mark walked over and sat on the edge of the bed next to her
Mark- you came over last night
Meredith- can't sleep well without you
Mark- I needed a bottle of whiskey to help me out
Meredith- I dreamt that I lost you and I couldn't find you and I knew I had to see you because baby or not I'm in this for the long hall
Mark squeezed her hand tightly then brought her fingers up to his lips
Mark- we have years and years for babies and there will be lots of babies
Meredith- how many are we talking here
Mark- at least four
Meredith- at least what am I some kind of baby making machine, think again man-whore
Mark grinned- just think of the sex we'll get to have making these gorgeous babies, my beautiful, crazy and very slutty Intern
Meredith- excuse me I'm a Resident now or have we forgotten
Mark- how could I Dr Grey, you remind me every day at work
Meredith- we will always be like this won't we
Mark- yeah, fun banter, loads and loads of sex, good looking, best surgeons in the world and did I mention the sex
Meredith grinned and kissed him hard on the lips
Mark- did I tell you Dr Grey how much I love you right now
Meredith- no but...
Mark- but what
Meredith- I was thinking we could try the loads of sex thing, you know just in case I'm not satisfied with what I'm getting
Mark- are you asking for a test drive
Meredith- maybe
Mark- because if I remember rightly you've already tried and buyed
Meredith- so I have, maybe I just need a little reminder
She gently slid across his lap and straddled him
Mark- I like this testing
Meredith kissed him hard on the lips, relieved they had pulled through the toughest of challenges in their relationship and it was just beginning, they were just beginning, this was it, this was her time and Mark was her one and it terrified her and excited the hell out of her but she didn't care, Meredith Grey was bright and shiny, Meredith Grey was happy
A Huge thankyou to all who read my last two Grey's fanfics I do love you all dearly and am grateful for all your comments this one is for you guys!!!!!!!