Liars and Saints
By Ara May

A/N: Due credit is owed to Maile Meloy's novel of the same name. It is through that book that the overall tone and some influential lines of this story were extracted/adapted. To that end, it's different from my usual writing. Tenses are skewed and characters actions are muddled under the influence.

Of course, A big thank you to lost0and0found who had been helping me bounce around ideas for this story for months and was a beyond amazing beta throughout the duration of that initial process. Not to mention, simply bearing with me for the last couple of years while I practiced my Jimmy Hoffa impression.

Chapter One:
Responsibility

August 2008

Breakups create war zones and only ghosts of former selves are willing to get back into the trenches. Nobody said choosing between what you think you need and what you know you want was going to be easy.

It was that particular fact of life that brought Rory Gilmore to her current location.

With a twitch of confusion floating across her companion's features following her spontaneous arrival, the planes of Jess Mariano's face returned to their usual stoicism.

They both made quick work of their greetings and before any time was devoted to small talk, Jess offered Rory a drink as if she were just an unexpected visitor from out of town.

With his question, she tilted her head to the side and offered him a grateful smile, "That's what I always liked about you. You never need any reasons. You just accept things the way they are and go with the flow."

He raked a hand across his chin before handing her a freshly poured glass of something strong. It was a light caramel brown. "I'll admit, I am curious."

Rory gave Jess a weak smile before looking down at the liquid in her glass. After making quick eye contact with Jess, she returned her gaze to the container in her hand before downing its entire content in a single gulp. She coughed then spoke her earlier thoughts, "Wow. Strong."

Jess cocked an eyebrow, more than a little worried about her, but still managed to form a casual smirk. "Huh," the single-syllable word escaped his lips in near-silence.

He took a step away from her and noticed her eyes were clouded with something. He made himself believe it was the alcohol that was now coursing through her; but her tolerance couldn't be that low, could it?

Rory crossed her arms across her chest as some sort of protection. He watched as slow tears began to trickle down her face. "Rory, what's going on?" he asked quietly. "Why are you here?"

She looked down at her shoes ashamed before bluntly stating, "I'm getting married tomorrow."

"Well, you sure know how to bury the lead." His eyes grew wide as he continued to stare at her.

She was stubbornly refusing eye contact in any way possible.

"Why come here?"

"I don't know," Rory answered honestly.

Jess pinched the bridge of his nose. "I don't know what that means, Rory." His jaw tightened as he simply looked at her and waited.

There was a pause.

"Why did you come here?" Jess asked again and Rory faltered. "You came here. To Philly. And you're getting married tomorrow," he noted as if she needed a reminder.

Maybe he was reminding himself that perhaps tonight was simply a moment separated from reality.

"I…I just needed to see you," she finally admitted.

"Who's the lucky guy? Logan?" Jess asked casually. The large amount of alcohol he just consumed made him brave enough to ask.

Rory smiled sweetly. "No."

"Really?" he was genuinely surprised. "Someone else? Or Dean? Please tell me, not Dean."

She erupted into a fit of giggles. "No. Not Dean either."

"New guy then." He nodded in acknowledgement and started tracing the rim of his glass with the pad of his index finger.

"Yeah."

"Great. Another one of your boyfriends poised to hate me."

She laughed and tried to shake the whisky-induced smile off of her face so she could frown and come to her senses. "He doesn't hate you. He doesn't even know you exist."

"What happens when he finds out you came here tonight?"

Rory scrunched her face. "Oh, that."

He smirked against his better judgment. "Yeah. That."

"God. How am I even going to explain this?" Rory began to panic and kept tugging on her hair distractedly. Her actions caused it to come out of the perfect curls she had spent an hour on earlier that morning.

Jess shrugged. "You just came to see an old friend. Nothing's gonna happen."

She bit her lip. "Yeah. That's a good answer. You're right."

Jess finished the rest of his drink and stood up with his empty glass. "So…refill?" He swirled his remaining ice around so that it chimed against the glass.

"Yes, please." She reached up to him with her glass.

His fingers grazed the back of her hand as he took it from her grasp.

She watched as he walked toward the kitchen and did her best to ignore the rising goose bumps.

The bottle of Jack Daniel's that Jess had only opened upon Rory's arrival was near empty. As he stood in the kitchen, he held it in the air toward the light. He looked confused. "Hm…"he muttered.

Rory slid across the tile floor in her socks as she came out of the bathroom. When she was within feet of him she managed to stop and looked up at the bottle in his hand. "Empty," she commented with a frown.

"Seems so." He set the bottle on the counter.

Realization quickly drowned out her features, "I need to drive back to Connecticut." She grew more panicked. "I'm getting married tomorrow!"

Jess crossed his arms across his chest and smiled smugly. "Still going through with that?"

"Jess!"

"Yes? You did just cross state lines to get away today. It's a valid question"

She bit her lip. "He's a good guy." Her voice came out quietly.

He shrugged and leaned back against the counter. "I'm sure he is."

"I actually think you'd like him." She stretched her arm and put a hand on his shoulder.

Jess simply nodded and stuck his hands in his pockets to keep from doing anything he might regret.

Rory took a step back.

"I'm not gonna let you leave." The words came out of his mouth faster than he had time to think them.

So much for not doing anything stupid.

The words caught Rory off guard. "What?"

Thinking of a quick save, he reasoned. "We just split a fifth of Jack. I'm not going to be held responsible for letting you drive."

She looked at him seriously for a moment. "Responsible," she said as if trying out the word for the first time. "Good…right."

"You're welcome to crash here. I am the reason you're shitfaced right now. It's the least I could do."

"I am not 'shitfaced.' I'm fine!" Rory gestured animatedly causing her to lose her balance.

She stumbled into him as he caught her.

His hand was placed delicately on her waistline.

Her eyes darted to his mouth. "Well, this is cliché."

His eyes quickly drifted to her lips before he took a breath and let go of her opting to subdue the rising tension. "Why don't you call your mom? Tell her where you are."

"That'll go well," she propped herself on his kitchen counter. "'Hey Mom. I just felt like driving to Philadelphia to get drunk with Jess. I'll be back in time for my wedding. Try not to worry!'" Rory sarcastically mocked.

Jess shook his head in false disbelief. "I'd leave out the coming to Philly thing. And the getting drunk thing. And it'd probably be wise if you didn't mention me at all either," he chuckled.

"So just tell her I'll be back?"

"Sounds good."

Rory raised an eyebrow. "And when she asks me where I am?"

"Tell her you went to a spa?" he suggested.

"Without her?!"

Rory sat on the edge of Jess' bed dressed in his sweatpants and her own T-shirt. She tapped lightly on the comforter waiting for him to get back from brushing his teeth. She took the opportunity to look around his room and it was exactly as expected: A large bookshelf overflowing with books, more books all over the floor, and a desk by the window with a laptop and stacks of paper. There was an overwhelming neatness to his room that she didn't expect. Rory was considering getting up to see if any of those papers had any samples of what he might have been currently writing when Jess appeared in the doorway. "You can take my bed if you want. I can sleep on the couch."

"Jess, no. You've done enough. I can take the couch."

"I don't know when Chris and Matt are going to be back. They'll probably wake you up in the middle of the night." He thought of more reasons and continued, "You should get some good rest. Big day tomorrow." He glanced at the clock on his nightstand. It was now past midnight. "Today, actually."

She smiled weakly at him. "Wow. I'm getting married today."

He stopped leaning on the doorframe and move to sit next to her. "Can I ask you something?"

Confusion flicked in her eyes for a mere moment. "Yeah, of course."

"Why here?"

"Honestly?"

"Please."

She inhaled deeply. "I was trying on my wedding dress this afternoon and when I looked at myself in the mirror, I heard your voice." She let out an uncomfortable laugh and continued by mimicking the voice in her head. "'This isn't you, Rory. You know it isn't.' Over and over again until I couldn't even concentrate." Jess watched her closely as she seemed to be talking to herself. "I know things are different than they were back then, but a part of me needed to know if I was making the right decision. If it was me, making the best choice for myself. Not a version of me." She looked at him straight in the eye and gave him a simplified answer. "You were in my head, Jess. You're always in my head."

He made no judgments but asked, "Find your answer?"

"I don't know," she whispered.

He nodded knowingly and nudged his head toward the living room. "I'm gonna take the couch."

As he began to stand, Rory's hand softly gripped his wrist. Her blue eyes were still bright. Jess looked at her confused. "Stay," she said quietly.

He gave her a serious look before standing up anyway. He felt a pang as he watched her face fall but still took a few strides away from her.

Jess glared at her. "Please tell me this is not why you came here." His temper was rising quicker than he could think.

"No!" No, no, no, no, no! "Of course not," she tried to remain calm as she continued to sit. She crossed her legs at the ankles.

"That's not fair, Rory. I can't be the fucking asshole that you come to every time – and I mean every time – there's a problem with your boyfriend!" He was pacing wildly in his room. "I don't deserve it."

"Oh, give me more credit than that!" she too was now yelling.

"Then why are you here?" his voice seemed to come directly from his throat. "What's going on with you and…fuck, I don't even know his name!"

"Ben," she muttered quietly, twisting her engagement ring on her finger. He only just noticed it. "I'm here because I missed you. I wanted to see you," she finally answered the question she had ignored. "I already told you that."

Jess stiffened but seemed to get a grip on his anger.

"Nothing is going on with us," Rory continued. "He's good to me, he treats me right, he's everything I ever imagined needing."

"Good to know," he recited resentfully, though after a deep breath he became significantly calmer. He gave her one last look before making movements toward the door.

That's when Rory admitted the one secret she promised herself she'd never say out loud: She'd been pining. "He's still not you, though."

By the door, he turned around and gave her another look. He blinked apprehensively as if she were going to disappear when his eyes reopened. "I'm right here."

"And so am I," she smiled at him pathetically. "Have you ever wondered if this was something we needed?"

Bitterly, he laughed. "I don't know about need, but I can tell you plenty of times where I know this is exactly what I wanted."

"So what's changed now?"

He pursed his lips together so they formed a straight line. The truth was, nothing had changed. What she was offering was exactly what he would want had this been some sort of alternate universe where everything wasn't so fucked.

He's afraid going through with this will sting; but maybe that's really all he wants. Not her, but the feeling of closure: A goodbye to solidify (finally) that there is no them, just the remains of a building that had taken all of the damage in the battle that was their ill-fated romance.

He nearly has himself convinced.

He doesn't answer her question.

Instead, he commented, "You're really testing my self-control, Rory."

She stood up and stared right at him, unashamed of what she was asking.

Jess raked a hand across his forehead. She cupped his face in her palm while he subconsciously leaned into her touch.

His eyes closed and her voice came out soft, "Then stop trying so hard."

Her lips brushed against his and in a swift movement the door was closed and the light was switched off.

All thoughts of responsibility floated out of mind.

The bed shifted as their bodies collapsed upon it.

With both hands she held his face between palms and crashed her lips into his.

Minutes later Jess pulled back, trying to catch his breath. Rory tilted her head to the side. "What the hell are we doing?"

"Tying up loose ends…" Rory murmured into his neck before coming face to face with him once more.

"So, this is closure?"

He needs her to say 'yes,' more than anything, even if she has to lie.

Deep down, he knows he should stop things before they got out of control.

"No," Rory answered honestly. "This is you and me." She began to tug on Jess' bottom lip with her teeth.

All Jess could do was understand; what else was there to say? Everyone has his or her tragic flaws and in that moment he was certain that she was his. Instead of pushing her away, he moved his arms around her and pressed their bodies together until no space remained.

In the next moments, their actions became a confused rush of images and they suddenly found themselves wearing next to no clothing. Jess rolled off of Rory and propped himself up on his elbow. His mind was still clouded from the whisky and he could only assume hers was too.

He waited for his vision to adjust in the dark and looked at her seriously. "You sure?"

She nodded and he began to make love to her then.

(Was it right to even call it that?)

She was nervous, he could feel it in her body.

Hell, he was nervous too.

It was never supposed to be like this.

"What do I do?" she asked later as he lightly traced incoherent patterns across her flat stomach.

"If you love him, you should marry him." Love was as simple as that, right?

"And what about us?"

"It is what it is," he repeated his words from two years prior. It was the only answer he could come up with when it came to the two of them. He'd be the first to admit he put a lot of thought into it. "I can't be your second choice."

"Jess, you were never—"

He gingerly pressed a finger against her lips effectively cutting her off. "This doesn't have to mean anything. We can keep it between us. Pretend it never happened."

She snuggled closer to him and closed her eyes. "I don't think I could do that."

They both started to drift to sleep.

Rory managed to return to Stars Hollow by two in the afternoon. Lorelai was frantic. "Where've you been?" Rory only caught her mother's voicemail the night before and wasn't able to come up with a quick excuse.

"Just thinking things through." Rory shrugged off her absence as she walked through the foyer of her mother's house and into her childhood room.

Lorelai followed closely behind. "Are we still having a wedding?"

Rory shot Lorelai a look as she walked toward her room. "Of course. Why wouldn't we?"

"I don't know. You're suddenly 'thinking things through,' and Luke got a mysterious call this morning."

That caught Rory's attention. "From who?"

"I think you know."

Rory struggled from rolling her eyes. "I'm not psychic…"

"Luke won't tell me anything about it. So, anything you'd like to share, sweets?" Lorelai made herself comfortable on Rory's bed.

"Not really."

"Where'd you go last night?" Rory bit her lip and Lorelai continued, "C'mon. You can tell mommy."

Rory grabbed her robe off of her desk chair. "Jeez. You already know, don't you?"

"Well, not officially!"

"Are you gonna be mad?"

"Depends."

"Fine! I went to see Jess." Lorelai gave her a knowing look. "Nothing happened," she lied.

"Are you sure?"

"I was the one who was there, Mom."

"You're going to have to tell Ben."

"Tell Ben what?" Rory was getting defensive. "That I went to Philadelphia to see an old friend last night?"

Lorelai narrowed her eyes, "There's more to it than that."

"Nothing happened!" Rory insisted.

"Well, hun. I meant there's more to it between you and Jess than being 'old friends,' but sure, keep on insisting that 'nothing happened,' you've almost got me not believing you."

"Mom…"

Lorelai raised her hands. "Hey, I'm just saying, if my fiancé went to visit an ex-girlfriend the day before our wedding, I'd want to know. You and Ben haven't even known each other all that long. Maybe you should tell him about Jess. That he exists at least. He is Luke's nephew after all."

Rory rolled her eyes, "What do you want me to do? Call him up right now and tell him that Luke has a nephew? Because that won't be weird."

"I think you're missing the underlying point."

"Which is?"

"That you and Jess have a history."

"Yeah, we dated five years ago. Big whoop." She was getting annoyed.

"Rory, my angel child, you know I'd be the last to admit it, but there's more to it than that."

"I…I don't think there's a way I could tell him without ruining everything."

"I just don't want you going into a marriage with a guilty conscious. It's bad karma. Trust me." Lorelai reasoned, referring to her short-lived marriage to Christopher.

"There's nothing to be guilty about," Rory stated with a sense of finality. "I need to start getting ready." She wrapped her robe around herself.

"Okay," Lorelai relented.

Rory exited the room.

In the shower a few minutes later, she let herself cry.

Rory didn't get any cold feet the rest of the day. After her shower she pulled herself together and stubbornly decided that she was making the right choice. Rory, Lorelai, and the ivory dress made their way to the Dragonfly to prepare for the big event.

As Lorelai managed a few last minute alterations to the dress, Lane helped Rory with her hair and makeup.

The outdoor ceremony made full use of the crisp autumn weather. The trees were just beginning to change color. Rory walked down the makeshift aisle without tripping. Christopher was the one who gave her away (though she had told Luke earlier in the week that it seemed wrong that it wasn't him).

Ben in his tuxedo was a glorious thing and made Rory beam as she stepped closer to him.

The look he gave her in return made the sparkle in her eye disappear, it was then that she pictured herself tangled in the sheets with Jess.

Her guilt made her smile falter so she tried too hard to put it back. She looked deranged for but a moment before she was able to convince herself that a life was Ben was exactly what she needed.

The ceremony was perfect and when it was time to repeat her vows they sounded formal and strange. Her mind was elsewhere and it was as if someone else were saying the words.

When Rory and Ben were in the middle of their first dance at the reception, Jess' voice echoed in her mind for the second time in as many days. 'I can't be your second choice."

Her stomach dropped.

She frowned.

Ben suddenly looked concerned. "What's the matter?"

She looked up at Ben. His gray-green eyes were glowing. He looked happy and there was no doubt in her mind that he loved her with everything he had. She smiled and placed her head in the crook of his neck. "Nothing. Everything's perfect."

"I love you," he whispered in her ear.

"Love you, too." Rory pecked him quickly on the lips and they began a life together that suddenly felt like a compromise.