Neville Longbottom winced as the alarm clock sounded. Seven-thirty
already, and he felt like he had just barely closed his eyes.
The fact was, he practically *had* just closed his eyes. He hadn't slept very well, and kept waking up about every hour, with the result being that he had only fallen asleep for the last time at about seven. He sighed, rolled over onto his stomach, and firmly decided to sleep for ten more minutes.
There was a particular reason he had slept only fitfully, and dreaded getting up now. Professor Lupin had asked him to come and talk to him before class today. Of course, he hadn't phrased it exactly that way - it was more of an invitation for tea than a command, as it would have been coming from Professor Snape...
Snape. He was actually the main reason Neville dreaded talking to Lupin alone, after what had happened in class yesterday. Although Neville liked Professor Lupin and had a good feeling about him, he wasn't sure that he wanted to talk to him about anything really personal - not yet, at any rate. And Neville was positive that Lupin wanted to talk to him about his boggart.
Neville gave an involuntary shudder. Thinking about the boggart still made him a bit queasy. He knew that other students were probably feeling the same today. Having to face your greatest fears, even if they *were* made to look ridiculous just a few minutes later, was enough to rattle even the bravest students.
But Neville was embarrassed about his boggart. The others', he felt, were relatively normal, truly frightening things that were perfectly understandable for a thirteen-year-old to fear. But a professor? His greatest fear? His cheeks starting turning scarlet again, as they did all too easily. And to have to admit that in front of everybody? Neville never liked being singled out for attention, and to have to be the first to face the boggart had shaken him up more than he cared to admit. He simply wanted to forget the whole episode had ever happened, and he certainly didn't want to talk about it with the professor who had been the indirect cause of his embarrassment.
He was starting to doze of again when he was jolted awake by something hitting him in the back of the head - specifically, Seamus Finnigan's pillow.
"Come on, Longbottom, you'll be late for breakfast, and Weasley will eat all the pancakes!" called Seamus, who was already on his way out the door.
"I'm coming," Neville replied drowsily, resigning himself to getting out of bed. He was going to have to get up eventually, and if he had to talk to Lupin, he at least didn't want it to be on an empty stomach.
Defense Against the Dark Arts was in the afternoon, and Neville first had to suffer through Potions in the morning. Neville was unusually inept in Potions, even for him. Picturing Snape in his grandmother's clothes didn't help matters, either.
Neville had arranged to meet Lupin half an hour before DADA. He made his way to Lupin's office, and once he got there stood outside the door, taking three deep breaths before knocking.
"Come in," came a voice from inside.
Neville opened the door, and found Lupin putting away a book. "Ah, hello, Neville. Please have a seat. I was just catching up on some reading...The tea is just about ready."
Neville was impressed with the contrast between Lupin's office and Snape's. Snape's was cold and forbidding; Lupin's was comfortable; with big, soft chairs, open curtains to let in the light, small knickknacks, some bars of chocolate, a few flasks, and books scattered everywhere. And the tea set, of course, a cup from which Lupin now handed to Neville.
The two sat quietly, each sipping their tea. It was several minutes before Lupin spoke.
"Well, Neville, I suppose you're wondering why I invited you to tea today. I hope to ask all the students eventually, but I especially wanted to talk to you first. I apologize if I've made you nervous at all."
Could he see that Neville was nervous? Neville could only shake his head no, even though he was now even more anxious than before.
"Good, because there's really nothing to be nervous about. I only wanted to tell you what a wonderful job I thought you did facing the boggart, especially being the first. And because you were the first, I thought you should be the first student I had to tea.
"But I do have to admit, Neville, that my picking you to face the boggart first was also not completely random - though you've probably gathered that by now?"
Neville *had* been wondering why he had been chosen first, and therefore had realized that there probably was a reason. What that reason was, he hadn't been able to decide, but he had a feeling he was about to find out.
"Yes, I did realize that," said Neville, speaking for the first time since entering the room, "but I don't know why you did it."
Lupin looked at Neville and nodded, as though he had been expecting to hear him say that. "Well, Neville, the truth is, I got the feeling from what Professor Snape said that you were someone who needed a boost in confidence, and also - and this I can't completely explain - that facing a boggart would be something you could do well. So, I decided to give you a try first." "But, Professor," Neville blurted out, "it didn't boost my confidence! I mean, I did all right with the boggart, but...but..."
"Everyone knows now that Snape is your greatest fear?" Lupin said gently.
Neville sighed and nodded. Was he that transparent?
"Neville, I don't think there's anything embarrassing about having your professor as your greatest fear...particularly Snape, after seeing how he treats you. Spiders and mummies and things like that are scary, but how often do we run into them? Doesn't it make sense that the thing you fear most is something that you have to face and conquer every day? And that it's a fellow human being, who can do more harm to you than any other creature?" His voice suddenly took on a bitter note, and he looked away from Neville to stare out the window for a moment. Neville remained silent.
Lupin turned back to Neville, and Neville noticed how tired and pale he looked. Had he looked like that when Neville came in? In class yesterday? For whatever reason, if he had, Neville hadn't noticed.
"I don't think the other students see it that way, Professor. They seem to think it's funny, because they know how bad I am at Potions. They think if I would just study and work harder at it, I would have no reason to be afraid of Snape. They seem to think it's *my* fault he treats me the way he does!"
Lupin took another sip of tea. "Between you and me, Neville, even if you were the best student in the class, he would still treat you badly because you're in Gryffindor. I'm sure most of the students realize that he has...certain prejudices.
"And, Neville, you know that courage isn't absence of fear, but mastery of fear. Every time you go into that classroom, no matter how poorly you do, you make an effort to face your greatest fear. You don't hide or run from it. I suppose that's why I thought you would be a good person to face the boggart first - you're one of the relatively few who faces yours in real life, on a regular basis."
"Then you could tell I was afraid of Snape, just because of what he said?"
Lupin scratched his chin thoughtfully with his quill. "Well...let's just say I had a feeling. Obviously his little remark showed that he treats you pretty badly in class, and just from watching your face, I could tell how you felt about him."
Neville felt his cheeks getting warm again. Blast his face, it was *always* giving him away!
"But besides your cheeks, I could see a determination in your eyes. Maybe you're not even aware of it yourself - but it is there. It's a determination to do the best you can - not to show anyone else up, or even so much to prove anyone wrong, but to prove to yourself that you can persevere. And from watching you in class after that, I was sure of it.
"And you don't have to tell me anything you don't want to, or even if I'm wrong or right, but unless I'm very much mistaken, you've already overcome some adversity in your life. And I admire people, not who are the best at everything, but who just simply do what they can with the difficult circumstances they were given, and manage to keep going. That's something I'm still learning how to do, and I always feel I can learn it even from students." He looked out the window again, and an odd look passed over his face.
Neville, meanwhile, was twitching in his seat. Lupin's remark about adversity had brought back uncomfortable memories.
Suddenly Lupin turned back to Neville, and Neville was surprised at the sudden feeling of kinship he had with him. Neville never thought of himself as being particularly intuitive, but in a flash of understanding he realized that Lupin was so empathetic because he, too, had some painful memories. Somewhere, in his past, or maybe even present...
Lupin put his cup down hard on the tea tray. The sound broke Neville's train of thought and made him jump a bit.
"I don't want either of us to be late for class, and I still have one more thing to do before I get there, so why don't you go ahead. I'll see you there. And thank you for coming, Neville. Feel free to stop by anytime."
"I will," Neville said, and he realized he meant it. He had a feeling he would be making many more visits to Lupin's office. And perhaps...one day...he would do more of the talking.
Neville shook Lupin's outstretched hand, grabbed his books, and quickly left the office.
As Neville climbed into bed later that night, he was relieved to think that he would surely get a better night's sleep than last night. He lay awake for a bit, thinking over the day. He realized that not only had Lupin told him not to be ashamed of being afraid of Snape, he hadn't told him to simply get over his fear. He also had not told him to study harder in Potions, as if that would solve everything.
He sighed as he felt himself drifting off to sleep. He could still hear Lupin's voice in his head, as he remembered snatches of their conversation."...needed a boost in confidence... something you could do well... a fellow human being, who can do more harm to you than any other creature...not absence of fear, but mastery of fear... one of the relatively few who faces your boggart in real life, on a regular basis..."
"Boggart...on a regular basis..." When Lupin had faced the boggart, what shape had it taken? Neville rolled over onto his stomach and buried his face on his pillow. The boys had left the curtains open in their room, and the light of the waxing moon was shining brightly through the window. He yawned one last time. Boggart...regular basis...moonlight....Lupin's boggart...wasn't it the...?
Neville's last thought was unfinished as he drifted off to sleep.
The fact was, he practically *had* just closed his eyes. He hadn't slept very well, and kept waking up about every hour, with the result being that he had only fallen asleep for the last time at about seven. He sighed, rolled over onto his stomach, and firmly decided to sleep for ten more minutes.
There was a particular reason he had slept only fitfully, and dreaded getting up now. Professor Lupin had asked him to come and talk to him before class today. Of course, he hadn't phrased it exactly that way - it was more of an invitation for tea than a command, as it would have been coming from Professor Snape...
Snape. He was actually the main reason Neville dreaded talking to Lupin alone, after what had happened in class yesterday. Although Neville liked Professor Lupin and had a good feeling about him, he wasn't sure that he wanted to talk to him about anything really personal - not yet, at any rate. And Neville was positive that Lupin wanted to talk to him about his boggart.
Neville gave an involuntary shudder. Thinking about the boggart still made him a bit queasy. He knew that other students were probably feeling the same today. Having to face your greatest fears, even if they *were* made to look ridiculous just a few minutes later, was enough to rattle even the bravest students.
But Neville was embarrassed about his boggart. The others', he felt, were relatively normal, truly frightening things that were perfectly understandable for a thirteen-year-old to fear. But a professor? His greatest fear? His cheeks starting turning scarlet again, as they did all too easily. And to have to admit that in front of everybody? Neville never liked being singled out for attention, and to have to be the first to face the boggart had shaken him up more than he cared to admit. He simply wanted to forget the whole episode had ever happened, and he certainly didn't want to talk about it with the professor who had been the indirect cause of his embarrassment.
He was starting to doze of again when he was jolted awake by something hitting him in the back of the head - specifically, Seamus Finnigan's pillow.
"Come on, Longbottom, you'll be late for breakfast, and Weasley will eat all the pancakes!" called Seamus, who was already on his way out the door.
"I'm coming," Neville replied drowsily, resigning himself to getting out of bed. He was going to have to get up eventually, and if he had to talk to Lupin, he at least didn't want it to be on an empty stomach.
Defense Against the Dark Arts was in the afternoon, and Neville first had to suffer through Potions in the morning. Neville was unusually inept in Potions, even for him. Picturing Snape in his grandmother's clothes didn't help matters, either.
Neville had arranged to meet Lupin half an hour before DADA. He made his way to Lupin's office, and once he got there stood outside the door, taking three deep breaths before knocking.
"Come in," came a voice from inside.
Neville opened the door, and found Lupin putting away a book. "Ah, hello, Neville. Please have a seat. I was just catching up on some reading...The tea is just about ready."
Neville was impressed with the contrast between Lupin's office and Snape's. Snape's was cold and forbidding; Lupin's was comfortable; with big, soft chairs, open curtains to let in the light, small knickknacks, some bars of chocolate, a few flasks, and books scattered everywhere. And the tea set, of course, a cup from which Lupin now handed to Neville.
The two sat quietly, each sipping their tea. It was several minutes before Lupin spoke.
"Well, Neville, I suppose you're wondering why I invited you to tea today. I hope to ask all the students eventually, but I especially wanted to talk to you first. I apologize if I've made you nervous at all."
Could he see that Neville was nervous? Neville could only shake his head no, even though he was now even more anxious than before.
"Good, because there's really nothing to be nervous about. I only wanted to tell you what a wonderful job I thought you did facing the boggart, especially being the first. And because you were the first, I thought you should be the first student I had to tea.
"But I do have to admit, Neville, that my picking you to face the boggart first was also not completely random - though you've probably gathered that by now?"
Neville *had* been wondering why he had been chosen first, and therefore had realized that there probably was a reason. What that reason was, he hadn't been able to decide, but he had a feeling he was about to find out.
"Yes, I did realize that," said Neville, speaking for the first time since entering the room, "but I don't know why you did it."
Lupin looked at Neville and nodded, as though he had been expecting to hear him say that. "Well, Neville, the truth is, I got the feeling from what Professor Snape said that you were someone who needed a boost in confidence, and also - and this I can't completely explain - that facing a boggart would be something you could do well. So, I decided to give you a try first." "But, Professor," Neville blurted out, "it didn't boost my confidence! I mean, I did all right with the boggart, but...but..."
"Everyone knows now that Snape is your greatest fear?" Lupin said gently.
Neville sighed and nodded. Was he that transparent?
"Neville, I don't think there's anything embarrassing about having your professor as your greatest fear...particularly Snape, after seeing how he treats you. Spiders and mummies and things like that are scary, but how often do we run into them? Doesn't it make sense that the thing you fear most is something that you have to face and conquer every day? And that it's a fellow human being, who can do more harm to you than any other creature?" His voice suddenly took on a bitter note, and he looked away from Neville to stare out the window for a moment. Neville remained silent.
Lupin turned back to Neville, and Neville noticed how tired and pale he looked. Had he looked like that when Neville came in? In class yesterday? For whatever reason, if he had, Neville hadn't noticed.
"I don't think the other students see it that way, Professor. They seem to think it's funny, because they know how bad I am at Potions. They think if I would just study and work harder at it, I would have no reason to be afraid of Snape. They seem to think it's *my* fault he treats me the way he does!"
Lupin took another sip of tea. "Between you and me, Neville, even if you were the best student in the class, he would still treat you badly because you're in Gryffindor. I'm sure most of the students realize that he has...certain prejudices.
"And, Neville, you know that courage isn't absence of fear, but mastery of fear. Every time you go into that classroom, no matter how poorly you do, you make an effort to face your greatest fear. You don't hide or run from it. I suppose that's why I thought you would be a good person to face the boggart first - you're one of the relatively few who faces yours in real life, on a regular basis."
"Then you could tell I was afraid of Snape, just because of what he said?"
Lupin scratched his chin thoughtfully with his quill. "Well...let's just say I had a feeling. Obviously his little remark showed that he treats you pretty badly in class, and just from watching your face, I could tell how you felt about him."
Neville felt his cheeks getting warm again. Blast his face, it was *always* giving him away!
"But besides your cheeks, I could see a determination in your eyes. Maybe you're not even aware of it yourself - but it is there. It's a determination to do the best you can - not to show anyone else up, or even so much to prove anyone wrong, but to prove to yourself that you can persevere. And from watching you in class after that, I was sure of it.
"And you don't have to tell me anything you don't want to, or even if I'm wrong or right, but unless I'm very much mistaken, you've already overcome some adversity in your life. And I admire people, not who are the best at everything, but who just simply do what they can with the difficult circumstances they were given, and manage to keep going. That's something I'm still learning how to do, and I always feel I can learn it even from students." He looked out the window again, and an odd look passed over his face.
Neville, meanwhile, was twitching in his seat. Lupin's remark about adversity had brought back uncomfortable memories.
Suddenly Lupin turned back to Neville, and Neville was surprised at the sudden feeling of kinship he had with him. Neville never thought of himself as being particularly intuitive, but in a flash of understanding he realized that Lupin was so empathetic because he, too, had some painful memories. Somewhere, in his past, or maybe even present...
Lupin put his cup down hard on the tea tray. The sound broke Neville's train of thought and made him jump a bit.
"I don't want either of us to be late for class, and I still have one more thing to do before I get there, so why don't you go ahead. I'll see you there. And thank you for coming, Neville. Feel free to stop by anytime."
"I will," Neville said, and he realized he meant it. He had a feeling he would be making many more visits to Lupin's office. And perhaps...one day...he would do more of the talking.
Neville shook Lupin's outstretched hand, grabbed his books, and quickly left the office.
As Neville climbed into bed later that night, he was relieved to think that he would surely get a better night's sleep than last night. He lay awake for a bit, thinking over the day. He realized that not only had Lupin told him not to be ashamed of being afraid of Snape, he hadn't told him to simply get over his fear. He also had not told him to study harder in Potions, as if that would solve everything.
He sighed as he felt himself drifting off to sleep. He could still hear Lupin's voice in his head, as he remembered snatches of their conversation."...needed a boost in confidence... something you could do well... a fellow human being, who can do more harm to you than any other creature...not absence of fear, but mastery of fear... one of the relatively few who faces your boggart in real life, on a regular basis..."
"Boggart...on a regular basis..." When Lupin had faced the boggart, what shape had it taken? Neville rolled over onto his stomach and buried his face on his pillow. The boys had left the curtains open in their room, and the light of the waxing moon was shining brightly through the window. He yawned one last time. Boggart...regular basis...moonlight....Lupin's boggart...wasn't it the...?
Neville's last thought was unfinished as he drifted off to sleep.