Chasing Melodies
Authors Notes: I've only seen the dubbed version of Digimon
on Fox, and this takes place through Tai's POV, after he and Matt are going to
highschool, but before the Digimon Emperor is defeated. This story is shonen ai, which means a
guy&guy romance. Standard
disclaimer, I don't own Digimon, and I'm making no money from this.
I sometimes wonder why I fell in
love with him.
We have practically nothing in
common besides our love for our Digimon.
We're complete opposites. I'm
sporty, assertive, and make my opinions known.
I can be clumsy sometimes, true; and I am a bit of a loudmouth. And I get into fights real easy.
More than once I tried to bait him
so I could have the chance to kick his ass in front of everybody, but he never
took it. Always shook it off like I
wasn't worth his time or energy. Only
when we were looking for T.K. in the snow with the snowman digimon, did he
finally take me up on my offer. I'm
kinda glad to say that we came out even, mostly 'cuase our digimon stopped us. Don't know who would've won if we had been
allowed to finish it. I'm not sure if I
should be ashamed that he didn't go down as easy as I thought he would, or
impressed that he didn't. Guess I'm a
little of both, because I didn't think he had it in him.
He was always so quiet, so
temperamental that you couldn't be sure what he was going to do. When we first came to the Digiworld he would
sometimes greet me in the mornings by telling me to get off, that I wasn't the
leader of the group, that I was going to get us all killed now that I had
gotten us all lost. Other times when we
all had almost been killed, he told me I was doing the best I could, that it
wasn't my fault. I asked him if he were
crazy. He laughed, and said, "Yeah, but
don't tell anyone. It'll ruin my master
plan."
He could be cold too, a frigid
bastard, and so arrogant. The only
things he really seemed to care about was T.K., Gabumon, and his
harmonica. He would walk around like he
thought he was better than anybody, even better than me, for crying out
loud. It wasn't until later that I
learned that it was just a mask, to hide how much pain he felt inside. The pain he had been carrying ever since his
parents split. There's been dozens of
times that we walk to school together, and we'll see some kid getting dropped
off by their mom, who rushes off again to take her husband to work. His eyes cloud up, and for a split second
all the pain in his soul is reflected in those azure mirrors. Every time I see him like that, I just want
to reach out and strangle his mom and dad.
Or better yet, sic Wargreymon's terraforce on them, because they made
him hurt. Or just hold him in my arms,
and tell him he's not alone anymore.
Given the chance, I would never leave him. Ever. He hides his
feelings gracefully; unlike me who can't even hide my tears. Or my anger.
I'm always thinking of him. I can't look at the ocean and not see his
eyes, startled and little afraid like a deer caught in headlights. Anytime I travel back to the Digiworld with
Kari and her friends, I can hear his harmonica, whistling mournfully through
the air.
Music is the best way he knows how
to express his feelings, which is maybe why I go to so many of his
concerts. Hoping to hear somewhere
among the garbled racket a note, a lyric, something that calls my name,
the way my soul screams his. Some hint
or clue, that whispers that he cares about me too. I haven't heard it yet though, maybe because I'm not sensitive
enough to pick it up.
That's one of the reasons I haven't
told him how I feel.
He's so subtle, so receptive to everything that goes around
him, that I'm afraid I'll screw up terribly.
I hate feeling afraid. I have
the crest of courage, I faced down the Dark Masters and Apoclamon without
flinching, but I can't tell I guy that he means worlds to me. He has multitudes of girls fawning on his
every move, Sora among them. It's not
like he's lonely. It's not like I stand
a chance.
I'm really confused. I want him; I need his smile in my life, the
sympathy and compassion that just seem to leak out of him in every move he
makes.
Also we're both boys. I know it's wrong, and I really do think
girls are cute and stuff, so I don't know why or how I feel this
way towards another guy. It's wrong,
it's not a normal thing, it's not a guy-thing, it's not a me thing. I'm sure he's not like that, even if he
could love me beyond a friend. Even if
he was, I'm not even sure he could love me.
I always get what I want, because I'm not afraid to
after it and I don't give up until I do.
But this is different. I've
never wanted anything else as desperately as I want him, but I can't go after
him. My sanity, my existence, my
happiness all depends on his love.
But I can't do it.
I guess I'm chasing a melody. Beautiful, haunting, and cold.
The kind that won't get out of your head, but won't stay in your heart.
~Owari~
Flames welcome, comments craved.
