All It Is And Ever Was Is A Countdown

Pairing: LaviYuu

Warnings: Yaoi, BoyXBoy, Sexual Themes

I do not own D. Gray Man or any of its characters

If there are any spelling/grammar mistakes I apologize.

I hope you enjoy and wish you a Happy Holidays!^^

Once again he sat on his floor in the darkness. It was the middle of the night and like most nights sleep evaded him. The coldness from the stone brick wall bit at his skin through his white shirt. Harden sapphire eyes gazed intensely at the hourglass across from him. Not once did the Japanese exorcist look away. The image of the lotus flower was imprinted in his mind from hours of watching it.

He knew every inch of that lotus. He could even spot any change on its petals. So when a lone pink petal fell away and slowly drifted down to the bottom of the hourglass all he could do was sigh. Keeping his harden gaze hidden behind pale eyelids the Japanese exorcist turned his head causing long black locks to brush his cheek. It was almost an automatic response when his teeth clenched together, tightening up his jaw muscles.

He was angry, irritated, and impatient. This wasn't what he should be doing. A growing gnawing sensation took over him. Plenty of times the Japanese exorcist got this sensation. He knew it well as it always came after the second day from coming back from a mission. Ultimately it was this sensation or feeling that drove him to demand another mission. The sound of metal moving rang throughout the quiet room as he shifted Mugen. This exceed his limit greatly and Kanda was running out of patients.

Six days.

Its been six days since Komui gave him a mission.

Six days, he was about ready to snap.

He couldn't stand being cooped up in this tower especially with a certain idiot that insisted on following him around everywhere. Turning his head Kanda's eyes were met with the sight of the lotus floating in the hourglass again. Narrowing his sapphire eyes the Japanese exorcist stood quickly and gracefully. Grabbing his long exorcist jacket he pulled it on, switching Mugen between hands to pull his arms through the sleeves. Without looking back at the lotus and the three fallen petals resting on the bottom Kanda walked out of his room.

The halls of the Black Order were empty and quiet as was expect of the late hour for everyone rested in bed. Shadows danced along the walls without the fear of being caught and tiny fairies twirled with them. The only sound, the only exception, were whispered raised voices coming from the library doors.

"This has to end. You cannot afford any attachments, Lavi." An emerald green eye stared at the old man in front of him with angry, sadness, and understanding.

"I know, Gramps...I didn' ask for this to happen. It just did." Lavi shook his head causing his red hair to move with him.

"I can tolerate your 'friends' because those are the easiest ties to break through still hard, but your strange obsession with that samurai has to stop." Bookman sighed as he finished talking and watched Lavi. The apprentice bookman tightened his grip on his sea-green headband causing his knuckles to turn white.

"He has a name and if I had a better understanding on what was happening I be able to control this!," the redhead breathed heavy as his voice rose. "I have been trying really hard to stop this!"

Anger and frustration were clearly voiced in everything he did. His green eye was downcast, staring at the floor. Red locks fell over his face. Hiding seemed to be the best option then he wouldn't have to deal with this or Bookman.

"Lavi I understand some of the things you're going through..." Lavi's head shot up with his mouth open ready to protest. "DON'T even try to say I don't. You may forget, but I was an apprentice and was your age once. I know what it's like to try to stay unattached. But we have a goal. One that cannot be forgotten, Lavi."

The redhead looked away turning his head to the side. Purposely he puts Bookman on his blind side. The emerald green of his uncovered eye was looking at the floor covered by bright red locks.

He did not want to look at Bookman.

He couldn't...not without seeing.

That's what the redhead didn't want; he did not want to see the feelings that shouldn't be there but understandably were. The disappointment, the frustration, and the anger. Bookman did not care he just didn't want to train a new apprentice. Lavi heard a sigh, but did not move. Muscles tensed under pale skin as the silence continued for a while.

"Lavi, never forget." The hammer wielding exorcist gave a short nod before speaking.

"Don't worry...Its nothin' and never will be."

Quietly and without another word Lavi left the library with the door banging after him. The redhead walked through the desolate dank corridors with his head fully occupied. Only one destination was in his mind as he just walked. It was the only other place where he could think besides the library. The one place he went when the redhead didn't want to be bothered by anyone.

Solemnly moving through the halls and walking up the countless stairs the hammer wielding exorcist let himself fade into the background.

He didn't watch or record.

He didn't think or try to come up with solutions to his problem.

Lavi just let himself be, let himself live in the shadows like a normal person. And it worked for the most part; he had to fight off some memories of the fight with Bookman here and there, but he was able to just be. The redhead even locked away his emotions for right now because he just didn't want to deal with any of it. Just like how no one wanted to deal with the war at times.

Being so lost inside himself Lavi forgot to step over the lip in the doorway. He fell flat on his face, groaning as the pain exploded in his head. Rolling onto his back Lavi let his senses come back full force. Taking in deep breathes he let his emerald eye wander around the surrounding area. It was dark and empty or so it seemed. The wind was cold as it ripped through his thin shirt. Lavi had wanted to leave so badly that he had forgotten his jacket, but then again it was in his room. So it really didn't matter any way.

Long black locks tied in a high ponytail sailed through the air as a constant breeze blew. The quarter moon was lighting the small jutted out roof along with a few stars. Muscles contracted in lithe arms as the Japanese exorcist heard the other. Lavi watched with a hooded eye while his back become even colder as the metal nipped at his flesh. A slithering poison ran through his veins the more he watched the other. Emotions ran wild causing his body to burn and itch with need.

'Why can't I figure this out?' he screamed in his head. He fisted a handful of his wild red hair, a few strands stung his scalp as they were pulled out. Slowly the redhead pushed away the raising frustration and pulled on his unbreakable mask. Not even attempting to get up he called out to the long haired exorcist.

"Yuu-chan."

Kanda froze at the soft call, his hands tightened their hold on the small railing. A growl bubbled up in his throat as he clenched his teeth; grinding them together in an unhealthy habit. This was not possible! That Baka Usagi was not here right now!

"Yuu-chan!"

'Ignore him and he will go away, just ignore him.' Kanda thought to himself. He breathed in deeply and slowly let the air out. Soft caresses of midnight black hair brushed along his skin as the wind blew.

"YUU-CHAN!"

Grinding his teeth a snarl tugged at his lips. It was becoming harder and harder to ignore the idiot rabbit as he continued to get louder and louder. He continued to look over the railing at the night sky.

"YUUUU-CHAAAAN!"

The Japanese exorcist grew angrier as the other's yelling shattered his precious ear drums. Lavi sat up slowly before standing, dusting the dirt off his white pants.

"WHAT!"

Pale fingers clenched at his side making a fist that cut into his skin. Glaring at Lavi he watched the redhead flinch and face fall into a dishearten expression. His chest twisted in a guilty fashion when he realized it was not an act, but genuine hurt. With a sigh and huff Kanda crossed his arms, lessening his glare.

"What."

The redhead fidgeted in place; hands wringing his sea green headband. His head was downcast causing free falling red locks to hide himself. Shrugging his shoulder Lavi looked off to the side. Emerald green eye looking into the dark depths of the forest below then stared at the sheer cliffs surrounding them. Now that he had the long haired exorcist's attention he didn't know what to do or say. It actually drove him nuts trying to come up with something when usually he did not have to try this hard.

That thick mucky venom was sticking inside of him. The itch became more insistent and he lightly shook in place. Another sigh entered the unnerving silence before it was followed by the shuffling of feet. Lavi, trying to look everywhere other than where Kanda stood, focused on him with a glazed eye. Fingers twitched as he saw those long locks swing back and forth.

"Argh!"

He threw his hands up in frustration, gripping his hair again.

"Lavi."

Fingers pulled at his hands guiding them to his side with a gentleness that did not match Kanda's personality. They didn't stay longer then they had to as each nimble finger let go. He stepped away turning to look back out at the scenery spread out before them. And then a question popped into Lavi's head, one that he was almost certain the Japanese exorcist would answer.

"What are you doing out here?"

"Why are you here?"

Lavi laughed humorlessly; he should have guessed Kanda would throw his own question back in his face. That usually how it worked nowadays. Ask Kanda a question and he might answer. Depends on the question through and if it's not personal in any way he will answer without hesitation. It was almost like a game with any other question. You had to figure out which ones the Japanese exorcist found answerable. Some required you to answer a question first.

If your answer was suitable then Kanda would answer yours. It was fun at times when Lavi like nothing better to do then bother the other, but now it just seemed annoying. Especially with the hot burning feeling of Kanda's touch still radiating from his hands.

Burning and clawing a path up his arms digging into his body. The redhead was desperate to get this sensation off of him, but not because it was unpleasant. He didn't understand it and that alone caused him to start freaking out internally. Hoping to distract himself from this deadly poison, this fatal disease Lavi talked. Praying that he can push all these feels away and get Kanda to start a conversation.

"I had a fight wit' Gramps an' this is the one place I can think."

The Japanese exorcist nodded in what seemed like a quiet understanding. A tranquil expression was on his face replacing the scowl that was always there. Raising a hand Kanda brush back his long bangs that floated with the constant wind. The itching was back with an urge to move forward. Lavi couldn't take his eyes off the other, so drawn he was to this dark beauty. Howling winds broke the unnerving silence that was settling between the two. The redhead fidgeted even more making his body shake with tremors.

"I was tired of watching..."

It was so quiet Lavi almost didn't hear it over the wind. He took a couple steps closer, hands clenching at his sides. The sludge moved slowly through his veins; sticking to the walls of his arteries. His heart thudded wildly within his chest.

"Tired of watching what Yuu-chan?"

Kanda glared at him with an icy sapphire gaze, but said nothing about the hated name. Lavi stepped even closer. He was standing right next to Kanda now. The itching became worse and he couldn't think of anything to make it go away. Slowly, with a mind of its own, Lavi lifted his hand to run his fingers through Kanda's long bangs. The other stiffen just a bit, but made no move to push him away. And again the Japanese exorcist quietly spoke.

"The lotus."

Lavi's fingers paused for a spilt second before resuming their caress. The color drain from his face a little bit at the mention of the eerie flower. He knew about it, he knew that it was the ghostly silent countdown to Kanda's end. The thing he feared the most and yet again couldn't figure out why.

It was a couple of months ago when Lavi found out about the lotus. Snooping in Kanda's room was not the best idea he had, but he was curious to see what the other was keeping in there. The way the Japanese exorcist always locked his room tugged at the Bookman in him that was always curious. What he didn't expect to find was a burden room with a glowing lotus that gave off a creepy aura that made his skin crawl.

It wasn't long before he started asking Kanda questions, who may have punched him in the face for going into his room. Everyday to every other hour to every hour to every minute Lavi kept asking until the other broke. Grabbing him by the collar of his jacket the Japanese exorcist shoved him against the wall. Before angrily whispering in his face through clenched teeth.

"When the last petal falls so will I."

Lavi shed the memories away to be in the present with the other. Long black silky locks still flowed through his fingers as he absentmindedly stroked them. An emerald green eye watched Kanda, slowly taking the other in. He seemed almost sadden in a way that made him look delicate. Those dark blue eyes glowed with a hidden sorrow begging to be let out. Thoughtfully the hammer wielding exorcist wonder if Kanda ever cried. If he ever let that sorrow that was in grain so deep in him out.

"Did a petal fall?" Lavi asked in a quieted tone filled with care. Kanda quickly looked at him out of the corner of his eyes before looking back at the moon. He softly nodded making his chin brush Lavi's fingers. The quick skin on skin contact sent a flame sparking over the redhead's flesh. Moving swiftly over his whole body and exiting with a haunting feel that tickled his skin.

A fog muddled the clear emerald of his eye. Pulling his hand away from Kanda's hair he cupped the Japanese exorcist's cheek briefly. Stroking it with the back of his knuckles Lavi felt that flame again. It made the poison in his body thicker and he could feel it clawing him from the inside out. The panic started to come when he realized that Kanda had answered yes to his last question.

"Yuu-chan"

Kanda turned his head to look at the other. Sapphire eyes were once again blank. The redhead's heart twisted in his chest causing his argument with Bookman to be remembered. These unexplainable feelings that were driving him to do strange actions beat at him with everything they had. His emerald green eye searched the other's face trying to find anything that could help.

A twinkle on pale porcelain skin captured his eye and on closer inspection Lavi saw it was a crystal tear. It ran one lone track down Kanda's expressionless face, glittering in the moonlight. The redhead's eye crinkled at the side in a mournful manner. He wiped the tear away as he took the Japanese exorcist's head in both hands. The fire burned and twirled in a creative dance on his skin curving patterns on his flesh. Lavi closed his eye at the sensation and rested his forehead against Kanda's.

"Yuu" he said softly, breathe ghosting over the other's lips.

"I'm not going to survive this war, Lavi." Kanda voiced solemnly. The hammer wielding exorcist felt his insides constrict and he briskly sucked in a breathe. He shook his head and whispered a quiet protest. Lavi didn't want to believe the other would be gone even if he was being selfish. At the end of this war Lavi would leave with Bookman off to another battle ground.

It seemed like he was burning to the ground on the spot as the flames on his skin rose higher. A craving, an addiction, a drug, a disease, or a poisonous venom that was eroding his insides. He couldn't figure out what was inhabiting his body and soul. It was a little problem, at least that's what he thought at the time. Just a little problem that could be solved if he ignored it and acted like 'Lavi' would. An attraction to a similar soul, but as his lips pressed down onto Kanda's he knew deep down that this went deeper than he thought.

Breathing became so much easier as his body gave a huge exhaled. Muscles lessened, his mind cleared, and the venom turned sweet. Leaving one hand on Kanda's cheek the redhead brought the other to the back of his neck. Fingernails dug into the Japanese exorcist's skin causing him to gasp slightly. Lavi drank it in, swallowing it down his throat as he pulled back just a hair.

It did not last long, that brief pause, as the redhead pressed his lips against Kanda's again. Molding them together with a perfection that said it all without the words. So soft and pliable were Kanda's smooth lips. He licked them in a quick sweep of his tongue, tasting them. Kanda opened his mouth slightly and let out a quiet moan.

It was that opportunity that Lavi wasn't going to pass up. Dipping his tongue into that wet cavern the redhead tasted nothing, but the Soba Kanda ate everyday. It curled around his tongue like a delicious wine. Shyly the Japanese exorcist rubbed his own wet muscle against the other. Elegant lithe fingers dragged their nails up and down Lavi's chest before finally resting on his hips. Small rips appeared in the hammer wielding exorcist's thin shirt.

Teeth gnawed at his lips in a playful demeanor. A fight, a dance name it whatever you like, Lavi did not care. All that matter was the slick friction that sparked more flames to the roaring fire that surrounded them. Hands were all over the place, massaging skin, ripping off clothes, or just resting in place. Throwing Kanda up against the slanted roof, both of them were bare from the waist up now, the redhead ground his hips into the other.

Groans spilled from redden lips and pants were constantly circling them in the silence. Sweat gathered on their bodies. Lavi hastily unbuttoned the Japanese exorcist's pants while Kanda worked on his. Long ebony locks cascaded down Kanda's back as the redhead pulled out his hair tie. He was not the only one feeling that sweet poison now. Kanda savored it as it flowed through his limbs. Shocking his entire system to life as the flames from Lavi's body licked his flesh.

The Japanese exorcist could feel the cold wind wrapping around his bare body. Lavi had rid him of all his clothes as Kanda in turn removed the redhead's. Turning the other around to face the tiled roof, Lavi pressed his chest against a bare back. Moans broke through their throats as hands continued to explore. Pleasure was heighten to an unknown degree. Lavi caressed the long haired exorcist's member and licked the nape of Kanda's neck.

A whimper was muffled into the roof. Fingernails scarped the dark tile as he held himself up. Hips rolled against the redhead in impatience. Head swimming, body burning, and poison tainted him, but he felt so much better as he indulged in these feeling, urges. Each taste made Lavi craved the other more. He was beginning to understand more clearly now, beginning to understand what was happening to him. What this 'obsession' as Bookman called it was.

"R-Rabi."

He almost didn't recognize that voice with the heavy accent as it called out to him. It was addicting just like the other's taste and smell. Slowly, so as not to hurt the other, Lavi began to prepare the long haired exorcist.

"Just do it already."

The growled words almost made him pause in his actions, fingers still preparing Kanda as the others threaded through long black locks. Another moan followed by pants had the redhead closing his emerald eye relishing in the sounds. He did not know what Kanda specifically wanted so with strained words he asked.

"Do what Yuu-chan?" Whimpering the Japanese exorcist pushed back against Lavi's fingers making the picture clear.

"I can't jus' do it, you'll get hurt."

"I don't care." Kanda growled with frustration.

The cold wind nipped at their skin and howled in their ears, but was lost to them. Biting the other's shoulder blade the redhead tried to think, it wasn't easy with Kanda's insistent rocking. He pulled his hand away from the other's hair to run his nails down the long haired exorcist's chest. Licking away sweat from in between shoulder blades the redhead fully immersed himself in his feelings that coursed through his veins as that venom. And just like that he was lost and impatient; Lavi needed to feel the other now.

Pulling his fingers out he muttered a quick 'I'm sorry, Yuu-chan' for he knew the Japanese exorcist was not fully prepared. Lavi slowly entered Kanda fully intent on not hurting him as much as possible. Sweat ran down from his hairline to his jaw causing a slight tickling sensation. Kanda grit his teeth at the pain, but was otherwise silent. Just like Lavi he needed this, he needed it like he needed more time. For if he calculated his time correctly all he had left was a year maybe two. Awful thought to think and yet it haunted him everyday, hour, and minute.

Kanda moaned as the redhead rocked against him hitting a spot that ignited the venom in his body to a burning fire. The cold December wind brushed their naked flesh causing goose bumps to raise on their skin yet they did not care. To caught up in each other they were as pleasure shook their cores reaching deeper than either of them expected. Hearts wavered, fluttered, stuttered, skipped a beat, and pounded fast and hard inside their chests. One was cold and closed off while the other was supposed to be nonexistent.

Souls shook, cried out, reach out, and twined together. Their bodies warmed as they panted and moans slipped from redden lips. Voices calling the other by name yet one was heavy accented which caused the redhead to love it more. A tightening curl squirmed inside him and Lavi gripped the long haired exorcist's chin. Placing a bruising sweet kiss on supple lips that he craved as the redhead stroked the other.

A tongue traced sugary skin before entering an even more delicious craven that mixed odd tastes into one perfect treat. With a muffled cry of the usagi's name Kanda climax and moments later Lavi did as well in a similar fashion. Lips still locked they opened their eyes staring at one another with a deep beginning. Tiny snowflakes fell from the sky melting on their flushed skin yet neither care at that moment, nothing matter.

I finally understood what was happening; what I was craving from Yuu-chan. Though Bookman would be against this, indulging in this poison was the best thing for me. I finally knew what my 'obsession' was and I relished it, craved it with my whole body.

I loved him.

I loved Kanda, Kanda Yuu.

My Yuu-chan, my moody samurai.

And knowing that, it was easier to deal with and yet not. For I could not get enough of him. My heart existed again when it should not; it call to me, yelling at me over and over again. I gave in every time, every time I wanted him, needed him. Every time I wanted to kiss him, I did. To wrapped my arms around him, to hug him I did. With no thought to punishment.

I just wanted him to be happy just like I was happy. My eye could see what others could not. It showed me the love in his stone cold sapphire eyes. Picked up on the tiny smiles he gave me. Which warmed me to the core just like everything he did wrapped me in a comfortable warmth. At times I saw the haunted look in his eyes and wanted to take it away. Forever, I wanted to banish that look from his face because it tore at me just as it tore at him.

That lotus will be the end of us if Bookman did not do it first. The poison burned in me begging to try to change our lives, but I could not do it. I was one person, only one person who had a duty and knew nothing else. Having been with Bookman since I was a child gave me zero options if I was able to leave. Though I have no doubt Bookman would kill me before he allowed me to leave; in fact he would take me away if anything else for he still needed an apprentice.

This poison, this love, did not understand that I couldn't change our futures. I was going to become a Bookman and Yuu was going to die. Unavoidable duty and death. That was all there was nowadays because that's what the war demanded. And I'm not saying I wouldn't try to change this if I felt I could, but I knew I couldn't. So till the time comes were we must part I will protect Yuu-chan and love him.

I will stay be his side to ease the pain the lotus gave him.

I will watch it with him to suffer the blow of a fallen petal just like he would do in silence.

I will comfort him when needed and let him come to me when he is ready to talk.

That is all I feel I can do yet somehow I know it is enough.

I know it is enough to love him no matter what.

I thank you for reading and hope that you liked it and Please Review^^

And again I wish you a Happy Holiday!

~XxSebastin'sXLittleXRobinxX