Falling Apart
I'm sitting here in my best friend's house, in a bedroom I'm sharing with his sister Ginny. I've been here many times before. But this time is different. This time, everything's falling apart.
Voldemort rose again last year. More evil, darker stuff happened during our fifth year. Scary stuff. Awful, horrifying stuff that I don't even want to think about. The darkness from that year is still spreading out, blocking our view of the sun, killing us all down deep.
Poor Harry. He's the one most affected by this. He never wanted to be the "Boy Who Lived." I think if given a choice he would have stayed with the Dursleys, rather than have everything he has now and be who he is. Ever since the end of our fourth year, Harry's gotten quiet. He's never told us about what happened to him. Never said what had affected him so. He seemed nervous around us, and especially around Ginny. Not afraid of us, of course, but afraid for us. He wants to protect us.
But I can see the bruises that still haven't faded on his face and shoulders. He won't say how he got them, but I think we all know. Ron, Ginny and I all know how he thrashes in his sleep, the fear in his eyes whenever someone startles him, and the way his hands jump about when we're too close, as if he wanted to throw his arms up in defense. But he can't be scared, and it kills him to know that he's feeling fear.
All I want to do sometimes is hold him in my lap like the little boy I know he is, and tell him that everything will be all right. But I can't, because he'd never be able to accept that. He's always been a strong person, something I admired in him. But you can be too strong, too long. He's lasted too long, and if he shows a bit of weakness now, he thinks he'll collapse, and let everyone down.
I wish he could just stop being strong for a while, and realize that he has a cushion of friends and family to fall into. But even I realize that he can't. Until Voldemort is defeated, we need him to be strong, to bear it all, to drive himself insane with worry, guilt, and strength. He's the pillar that holds us up. That fact makes me sick.
But Harry isn't the only one affected. Ron-
Ron was always jealous of Harry, ashamed of his family's position, and prideful in whatever he can do, whatever he can be. But last year he tried out for the Quidditch team… and didn't make it. But Ginny did. He's the only Weasley to not make the team, besides Percy. His pride is a little animal, inside him, and as long as he feeds it with accomplishments and courageous deeds, it is satisfied. But now that everything's falling apart, his pride is hungry, and so it's eating away on his soul. It's mental torture for him, seeing how awful Harry's feeling, how everything is collapsing around him, and yet still feeling jealous and bitter. He knows it's wrong, but he can't help it. Harry is brave, has proved himself through circumstances that Ron and I will never have to face. But Ron hasn't had the chance. He knows he'd be brave, strong, and heroic, but he'll never have a chance to prove it, because of Harry. Harry is taking care of him, is taking care of us all. But Ron can't stand that, and it kills him.
Ginny isn't doing well either, although she's probably the best of us. Ginny's been infatuated with Harry all her life. Now her love has become an obsession. It's a very well kept secret now, I'm the only one who knows, that she still loves Harry with all of her soul. Her love keeps her happy and content, even though it isn't returned. But if anything happens to Harry, Ginny is the first one I'd worry about.
Even I, the one who can see that things are falling apart, am affected. I used to think that because I could understand what was happening, I was above it somehow. But I'm not.
All that studying I did, all that work, and I still can't do anything. My studies are the only thing I have going for me. I'm not a freedom fighter, I can't become an Auror, or slay Death Eaters. I can translate Ancient Runes, I can change tigers into titmice, computers into cardinals, and willows into woodpeckers, but what good will birds to against the enemy who wants to kill us all? I have to keep studying. I know it won't help anything, but I keep thinking… what if? What if there's something I could have learned, something I could have done, and I didn't know it, and Harry or Ron died? I have to be there with the knowledge to help them out. I've wasted to much time to be good at anything else, I have to keep studying. Getting an A on my next test may decide what position I get with the Ministry of Magic, if I decide to work there, and where I am at the Ministry may decide how much help I am to my friends. I have to keep studying.
Everything's falling apart for us.
And yet, there are times when even I forget about that. There are small snippets of memory that act as the glue to hold everything together for one more year. Knowing that I gave Harry the information about the Basilisk. My time turner helped to save Sirius. I figured out Snape's defense when we were racing for the Sorcerer's Stone. Knowing what I did helped Harry defeat evil.
Ron's helped, too. Ron is Harry's best friend. Ron is the one who comes through in everything I can't. Ron gave Harry memories of friendship I never could. The flying car incident, which I still disapprove of, by the way. Ron was the one to go into the Chamber of Secrets with Harry. Ron agreed to be a hostage, unconscious underwater with very creepy merpeople watching and leering at him. Ron kept Harry laughing and thinking, more than I could ever do.
Ginny has always provided Harry with someone to protect. Some people may think that that is the thing he needs least right now. But Harry needs someone to respect him, to look up to him, to be his reason to keep fighting. Harry's much too modest to do it for himself, and thus Ginny become vital to all of our existences. It may seem like Harry doesn't notice her, but he does. He isn't her best friend, but he knows she's there, and he loves her like a sister.
And there are times when all of these things come together, and make a nice life. All these things point to a time when Harry will kiss Ginny after destroying the hideous evil that will harm her, Ron will be an admired hero, and I… I will watch my friends, and smile, knowing that I, too, am part of that life.
We need each other. We are the four pieces that will stick together, even when everything around us is falling apart.
I'm sitting here in my best friend's house, in a bedroom I'm sharing with his sister Ginny. I've been here many times before. But this time is different. This time, everything's falling apart.
Voldemort rose again last year. More evil, darker stuff happened during our fifth year. Scary stuff. Awful, horrifying stuff that I don't even want to think about. The darkness from that year is still spreading out, blocking our view of the sun, killing us all down deep.
Poor Harry. He's the one most affected by this. He never wanted to be the "Boy Who Lived." I think if given a choice he would have stayed with the Dursleys, rather than have everything he has now and be who he is. Ever since the end of our fourth year, Harry's gotten quiet. He's never told us about what happened to him. Never said what had affected him so. He seemed nervous around us, and especially around Ginny. Not afraid of us, of course, but afraid for us. He wants to protect us.
But I can see the bruises that still haven't faded on his face and shoulders. He won't say how he got them, but I think we all know. Ron, Ginny and I all know how he thrashes in his sleep, the fear in his eyes whenever someone startles him, and the way his hands jump about when we're too close, as if he wanted to throw his arms up in defense. But he can't be scared, and it kills him to know that he's feeling fear.
All I want to do sometimes is hold him in my lap like the little boy I know he is, and tell him that everything will be all right. But I can't, because he'd never be able to accept that. He's always been a strong person, something I admired in him. But you can be too strong, too long. He's lasted too long, and if he shows a bit of weakness now, he thinks he'll collapse, and let everyone down.
I wish he could just stop being strong for a while, and realize that he has a cushion of friends and family to fall into. But even I realize that he can't. Until Voldemort is defeated, we need him to be strong, to bear it all, to drive himself insane with worry, guilt, and strength. He's the pillar that holds us up. That fact makes me sick.
But Harry isn't the only one affected. Ron-
Ron was always jealous of Harry, ashamed of his family's position, and prideful in whatever he can do, whatever he can be. But last year he tried out for the Quidditch team… and didn't make it. But Ginny did. He's the only Weasley to not make the team, besides Percy. His pride is a little animal, inside him, and as long as he feeds it with accomplishments and courageous deeds, it is satisfied. But now that everything's falling apart, his pride is hungry, and so it's eating away on his soul. It's mental torture for him, seeing how awful Harry's feeling, how everything is collapsing around him, and yet still feeling jealous and bitter. He knows it's wrong, but he can't help it. Harry is brave, has proved himself through circumstances that Ron and I will never have to face. But Ron hasn't had the chance. He knows he'd be brave, strong, and heroic, but he'll never have a chance to prove it, because of Harry. Harry is taking care of him, is taking care of us all. But Ron can't stand that, and it kills him.
Ginny isn't doing well either, although she's probably the best of us. Ginny's been infatuated with Harry all her life. Now her love has become an obsession. It's a very well kept secret now, I'm the only one who knows, that she still loves Harry with all of her soul. Her love keeps her happy and content, even though it isn't returned. But if anything happens to Harry, Ginny is the first one I'd worry about.
Even I, the one who can see that things are falling apart, am affected. I used to think that because I could understand what was happening, I was above it somehow. But I'm not.
All that studying I did, all that work, and I still can't do anything. My studies are the only thing I have going for me. I'm not a freedom fighter, I can't become an Auror, or slay Death Eaters. I can translate Ancient Runes, I can change tigers into titmice, computers into cardinals, and willows into woodpeckers, but what good will birds to against the enemy who wants to kill us all? I have to keep studying. I know it won't help anything, but I keep thinking… what if? What if there's something I could have learned, something I could have done, and I didn't know it, and Harry or Ron died? I have to be there with the knowledge to help them out. I've wasted to much time to be good at anything else, I have to keep studying. Getting an A on my next test may decide what position I get with the Ministry of Magic, if I decide to work there, and where I am at the Ministry may decide how much help I am to my friends. I have to keep studying.
Everything's falling apart for us.
And yet, there are times when even I forget about that. There are small snippets of memory that act as the glue to hold everything together for one more year. Knowing that I gave Harry the information about the Basilisk. My time turner helped to save Sirius. I figured out Snape's defense when we were racing for the Sorcerer's Stone. Knowing what I did helped Harry defeat evil.
Ron's helped, too. Ron is Harry's best friend. Ron is the one who comes through in everything I can't. Ron gave Harry memories of friendship I never could. The flying car incident, which I still disapprove of, by the way. Ron was the one to go into the Chamber of Secrets with Harry. Ron agreed to be a hostage, unconscious underwater with very creepy merpeople watching and leering at him. Ron kept Harry laughing and thinking, more than I could ever do.
Ginny has always provided Harry with someone to protect. Some people may think that that is the thing he needs least right now. But Harry needs someone to respect him, to look up to him, to be his reason to keep fighting. Harry's much too modest to do it for himself, and thus Ginny become vital to all of our existences. It may seem like Harry doesn't notice her, but he does. He isn't her best friend, but he knows she's there, and he loves her like a sister.
And there are times when all of these things come together, and make a nice life. All these things point to a time when Harry will kiss Ginny after destroying the hideous evil that will harm her, Ron will be an admired hero, and I… I will watch my friends, and smile, knowing that I, too, am part of that life.
We need each other. We are the four pieces that will stick together, even when everything around us is falling apart.